In the words of Bill O'Reilly ... F it. We'll do it live! We'll do it LIVE! Tonight features Brad's worst Oprah impression, the most awkward and insensitive date in Bachelor history (that's me saying that, not Harrison) and more freak outs from pretty much everyone involved. Freak out!- Things you learn while watching live - schools are closed in Denver. All of them. But that doesn't stop ABC from scrolling every school name in existence across the ticker. Seems like this data would be pretty well convyed via a website.
- "The dreaded 2-on-1 date" ... how great is it that they advertise the date as horrible. Guaranteed.
- Your first destination on this journey ... is a town roughly 5 hours away by car that I bet you've all visited on your own. Please freak out like they're sending you to Dubai.
- I'm amazed they could craft all these shots of Aria and City Center in Vegas without featuring any of the cranes and construction that is entirely on hold all around their casino.
- Hey look, everyone. It's Marissa. She like sports! And she's still on the show. Crazy on both counts, right?
- As if "... end tonight with a bang" wasn't forward enough, I hope Shawntel N's card said "Let's 'N' tonight with a bang." Nothing pairs better than puns AND sexual innuendo.
- Brad has traded in his hoodie for a vest. Count me not into it.
- Shawntel describes her shopping spree as "little kids in a candy shop ... or adults in a mall ... yeah, that's probably more accurate."
- Brad's "this is yours" routine really could have been better.
- Kudos to the producers ... show and tell after the shopping spree ... I'm surprised no one has been thrown through one of those giant plate glass windows.
- Brad is "fascinated" with embalming. Really, Brad? Really?
- So many quotes from this date: "Where would this leakage occur?" "Think of all our orifices." "I'm gonna have to meet Peaches."
- Oh I get it. They N'ded the night with a bang ... cuz fireworks make sounds. Good one, ABC.
- It's time for some serious Ashley on Ashley violence via the 2-on-1 date, but first let's get awkward.
- I take it back. Let's not get awkward. This is too horrible to even comment on.
- Holy crap, Emily is the greatest female ever (next to my mom and sister of course). She prefaced her story about her husband's death with "I don't want you to think I'm ungrateful."
- And then she drives the car! And likes it! How does Brad not take her to the final 2 after this?
- Even Michelle has put her hate away for this one. Maybe she does have a soul.
- Oh boy. Alli just stamped her ticket to H-E-double-hockey-sticks with 4 words: "We all have problems."
- This date is about ... feelings. Unfunny feelings.
- Oh wait, Michelle put her sole away, bashed the other girls and made the move on Brad. We're back.
- Did anyone else notice the Ashleys perfectly matched their steps coming out of their room? What the H. Distinguish yourselves, ladies! Distinguish yourselves!
- Brad is going to make Ashley perform again? First Seal and now performing in Vegas. She's the one girl where non-date days are more fun than date days.
- I think Ashley just said "perfact." BTW I've stopped trying to differentiate them ... since they have too.
- Now that they're on wires, I'm suddenly wishing Michelle was on this date.
- I know what would calm these ladies' nerves before they perform in front of 2,000 people and then potentially get sent home: dinner!
- And the loser is ... Ashley. Awww, that makes Ashley the winner! Congratulations and sorry, Ashley.
- Ashley: "I feel like I just got punched in the stomach ... and the heart." I think I saw that move in Enter The Dragon.
- Today's therapy take-away: Brad's therapist has a wired land line phone! Was there a bigger message I should have received?
- Living in a Subway-free town, I feel like these $5 foot long Subway commercials are punching me in the face ... and the heart.
- Now Chantel is bitching about Emily's alone time ... do these girls not understand the situation? Imagine if Shawntel was a widow whose husband died at a mall. Do you think they'd get it then? Too far? Fine, I'm sorry. There's just not a ton to work with on this ep.
- Hey, Britt! I miss you. Hi, Britt. Hey there.
- So wait ... does Michelle think these other girls are right for Brad? Or no? She's very wishy washy.
- Can a lady help me out with these new commercials for Beyaz ... is this that other product I remember called Yaz? And now it's decided to be ... yaz? Beyaz? Is it like when a caterpillar turns into a butterfly? Except with birth control?
- Do you think Brad still reads all of Marissa's little notes even after not giving her a rose? Do you think each note has a fun fact about sports? Marissa likes sports!
- And the other person that didn't get a rose was someone named Lisa. Lisa ... you won't be missed. Woops -- will ... will be missed! What'd I say, won't? Wow.
- The walk out of the gigantic hotel room, down the hallway, into the elevator, down the elevator, through the casino, into the lobby and into the parking area is probably a lot longer than the walk out of the Malibu house ... just a guess.
Next week: somewhere to actually get excited about - Costa Rica! It means rich coast in English. It also means Michelle's giant boobs in Polish and awkward looking cliff dive in Mandarin. And apparently Michelle gets to hang out with her own kind in a later episode: sharks! (See cuz she's mean ... and can't get cancer.) Until next week.
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