Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 7

Time to play some catch up. What exotic location are they in this week? Oh yeah. Anguilla (pronunciation optional). Get it on!
  • Anguilla loves steel drums. Or it's pronounced stayl drums? Stee-ahll drums? Seriously someone figure out how to say Anguilla.
  • Holy shit! 4 dates! This is crazy town!
  • Can we take Britt on a sandwich date? Or 4? Cuz that girl needs to eat. Did this just happen? Or did it take me this long to notice her Skeletor body?
  • Helicopter. Oh joy. Excitement. Thrills. For real, at this point, Brad going on a helicopter should received the same emotional reaction as when he runs out of toothpaste. Or buys cereal at the grocery store. Or moves his left arm. Who really cares.
  • Outside of the helicopter ride, Brad and Emily's date involved sitting in one spot on the beach for hours? I guess that's true love?
  • Oh, change of venue. Good. Otherwise this date really would have sucked as far as Bachelor dates go. They all have helicopter rides so that's a moot point. No shopping spree? No repelling? Emily should be pissed.
  • Word of the day ... is "huge." This adjective can be applied to ... 1 on 1 dates, meeting families, meeting Emily's daughter, Michelle's ego and Britt's appetite. Well maybe not the last one.
  • Brad drops the rose guarantee on Emily during the date. Is this a Bachelor first? Where's Harrison when you need him?
  • Onto Shawntel's date ... somehow Farmer's Markets make Shawntel "trip out a little bit." Embalming dead bodies on the other hand ... no problem.
  • Shawntel's evening date features near-matching purple shirt and dress. I'm gonna say not into it.
  • Props to Ando for a sneak peek of Shawntel's family and family business. Apparently Shawntel cut bangs at one point. Bangs are huge. What? Huge doesn't apply here? Damn. I thought I was onto something.
  • "We are about to have a concert by none other than Bankie Banx," says Brad. My response: "Huh." If I could cue Bald Bryan's "WHO!?" drop, I'd do so now.
  • "Probably the most famous singer in Anguilla ... if not the entire Caribbean." Whatever you say, Swayze.
  • Are the other people at his party paid extras? Where did they all come from?
  • I agree with Ando ... Shawntel's super giant tattoo makes for nice symmetry with Brad's super giant tattoo.
  • No place to graciously fit this in ... Shawntel's sister did not cut bangs ... and is blond ... and thinks posing on top of bars is huge.
  • Onto Britt's date ... swimming out to a yacht sounds like a good time. No, wait. A huge time. Yeah. Swimming out to yachts is huge.
  • Michelle says she couldn't even see Brad and Britt being friends on Facebook. Can we just have her host the show at this point? She gets all the confessional time as it is.
  • Is this a muscle or a bone? I think Britt might be some sort of anatomical case study.
  • Let's just say ... Britt is not getting the rose guarantee during this date.
  • Uh oh. They're playing the somber guitar tune during dinner ... usually reserved for the rose ceremony aftermath.
  • Oh it's awkward. Brad's honesty is insane. The dude is honest ... and huge. Am I using it right yet?
  • "I think it's time to say goodbye. Now let me guide you off the yacht to the rejection boat." Bszzzhhbbbbbbbbbbbbb. (That was my attempt to type out the sound of a outboard motor boat. Trust me it played in my head.)
  • Ashley says "I think from here on out, there's going to be a lot of heartbreak." From here on out? Have you or have you not been on the show thus far?
  • Hey Ashley, it's 2am. And you're indoors. There's really no need to shield your eyes from the sun.
  • In case you missed it on the news stands, here's the end result of the shoot.
  • Did they booze Ashley up? Cuz she seems ... uninhibited.
  • I believe all Michelle convos go like this. Good times / flirty times -> discussion of some serious flaws in the idea of Brad and Michelle as a couple -> Michelle agrees with the flaws -> Michelle somehow twists the flaws into a positive that Brad totally buys into.
  • You know what I like about Ashley most? Her confidence. Her confidence is huge. Still not right? C'mon now!
  • Chantal's confidence is also huge.
  • Michelle, Emily and Shawntel have this thing locked up. They've maintained their cool all season. How can Brad possibly pick Chantal or Ashley after all this mess? Imagine Brad picking Ashley or Chantal. And then he spends all his days convincing Ashley and Chantal that he actually likes them. No way. That's not the Swayze I know.
  • I wouldn't mind talking to Brad's shrink after this disaster of a date. What's the time difference in Anguilla?
  • Barefoot cocktail party ... cancelled! Please tell me he sends Chantal home. Please, Brad. Don't make me beg.
  • Chantal opened the season by slapping you ... and by my count has spent the rest of the season crying. Real catch, that Chantal.
  • I can't believe I'm rooting for Michelle.
  • Holy crap, the unofficial host of The Bachelor is out. I think the lesson we can all take away here is ... when given the opp to take your top off in a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue photo shoot ... in Anguilla ... while also filming The Bachelor ... you should probably do it. That opportunity is huge.
  • I kid I kid!
  • Let's hear it for the shortest farewell word count in Bachelor history.
Next episode: let's get creepy in the mortuary! What else could you ask for?

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