The Internet remains awesome

My quest to keep stats on absolutely everything I do is one step closer to complete now that Berg clued me into gyminee.com.

My self made Google spreadsheet ...

Has officially been replaced with my gyminee.com profile.

This site is what iTunes is to music management, what mint.com is to financial management. Plus it's got an iPhone version of the site for on-the-go tracking.

The Bachelor Diaries - The Jason Edition - Episode 5

After a 10 minute break to collect myself and realize I'm going to Hell for not saying a single nice think about Nikki, I'm back.  Who's up for casual making out ... now with Ty sleeping in the next room?  Bonus!

• Nervous Texas keeps all her roses in a zip lock baggy?  I'm not only NOT weirded out by this, but I'm amazed it took this many seasons to see it.  Every chick on the show ever has done this, right?
• I'm 14 minutes in and this is all I've got.  It's the most boring episode of The Bachelor ever!
• When Nervous Texas asked if she could bring her stretchy pants, I couldn't help but think of this.  
• Never before have 4 girls been jealous of a girl who drove herself to a dude's house, did the dishes and then sat on the couch waiting.
• I think Stephanie is wearing a white fur vest hoodie ... for those times when your arms are warm, your chest is cold, and you know you won't be coming in contact with any PETA types.
• A blind kissing test?  We've reached new heights in casual kissing for The Bachelor.  
• And then he nails the test?  As a woman, are you happy or pissed that he knows your kiss and 2 other woman's kisses that well?
• They're openly (and amicably) discussing their jealousies of the other girls?  It's weirding me out.  Apparently Nikki took all the cat claws with her when she left the show.
• Jillian really says "aboot".  I'm having a hard time speculating how I'd feel about being face to face with the #1 go-to Canadian dialect cliche.
• When Jason asks "if we go to your hometown, who would I meet?" ... I mean, you're in, right.  He may as well have just given you a rose, no?
• Did Naomi the flight attendant from Carlsbad, CA just pull out "un poquito"?  
• I really should have an "amazing" count going with Jason.  He's picked up on The Bachelor tradition.  
• Wow, Naomi really liked her date.  Single-prop planes and rock walls are the key to Naomi's heart.  Either that or she's so desperate for a 1-on-1 date that she would have taken a trip to Taco Bell and reruns of Carpoolers.
• This season is suddenly from the twilight zone.  Four of the ladies are sitting in the bathroom drinking beer and (again) amicably discussing all of their pros and cons when it comes to landing Jason.  I bet the producers are pissed.
• I'm glad that Jill and Jason got scones and lattes prior to just chatting and making out the entire time.
• Seriously, what is with that shirt/tie, Jason?  It looks like "Pink Elephants on Parade" ... except more psychadelic.
• Okay, I'll say it.  I will happily date Jill, Melissa or Molly if Jason guns them down.  Am I wrong or are they all generally the bee's knees?  See?  This season just turned crazy.  I'm talking about how much I LIKE the girls ... 3 of them!
• Seriously, they're cheering each other on DURING the rose ceremony!  Up is down.  Down is up.  This season on The Bachelor: Anarchy Reigns!
• Since I'm bored, have you heard Christian Bale's freak out?  And the remix that followed?  Masterpieces both, says I.
• Awwwww, sorry, Steph.  You got the boot.  But hey at least he got your hopes up by saying yours was the best date he went on!  Misdirection FTW!
• Okay, even I'll give it up.  The chick is amazing ... if only for genuinely saying thank you to the most ridiculous compliment-while-being-dumped ever: "You're the most amazing person I've ever met."  Yeah, clearly, Jason.
• Please!  Someone at least mention the shirt/tie.  It's like the circus puked all over his chest, right?
• It's official, Stephanie the Medical Marketing Manager from Huntsville, AL, you have the best outlook on life ever.  You are ... the anti-Nikki.

Wow, next week (and by next week I mean tomorrow) is looking up.  Thank you, Naomi's crazy mom and her dead dove that is in need of a wake.

P.S. This is officially the bizarro-season.  The outtro just showed two of the girls re-enacting the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene.  There are no cat claws, the girls cheer each other on, and the girl that got the boot just left with more dignity than she came in with!  What is going on!?

The Bachelor Diaries - The Jason Edition - Episode 4

Well here I am after putting in a crap load of hours at work over the last month.  I was ready to do a marathon and get all caught up before I discovered that neither my DVR nor ABC.com has the week 3 episode available ... so we're jumping straight to week 4.

Let's start off by seeing what I missed.  I'm guessing a combination of kissing and cat claws ... hopefully not at the same time.

• Nervous Texas had a breast reduction?  I have no idea what that means.  I mean, I understand the effect of the procedure that she took.  But I don't know what that means.  Ya know?  (what I mean?)
• Woah! Natalie just said that only the big man upstairs is eligible to not be attracted to her?  Wow.  Unrelated note: have you ever heard someone say something not conceited after saying "I don't mean to sound conceited"?  No.  It's the one guarantee that you are about to hear something COMPLETELY conceited.
• Looks like Stick-Up-Her-Butt girl is maintaining the status quo.  Well done.  I can appreciate consistency.
• Beyond all that, it looks like I missed some boobie silhouettes.  Shoot.

Aaaaaaand I'm all caught up.

• So apparently we have a new tradition: the on-the-spot-song.  Great.
• What's this?  Control freak girl has trouble thinking quickly and potentially embarrassing herself?  Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking.
• By the way, Lauren saying she knows a little about making music ... you could say that (or you could let her MySpace account do the talking for you).
• Seriously, is there anything likeable about Nikki?  "That 2-on-1 date is like death."  Good times, Nikki.
• Am I the only one who laughed when Nikki said "I literally want to cry" as the started crying?  Next time, you can just start crying.  We get the picture.
• Molly was loaned some of Jason's comfy clothes ... which is apparently exactly her style.  Which style is that exactly?  Loaner clothes?  Dude clothes?  Comfy clothes?  You like comfy clothes, Molly?  A recent study revealed that 83% of people prefer clothes that are as rigid, itchy and awkward-fitting as possible.  Weirdo.
• "First girl in bachelor history to have the walk of shame."  I can appreciate owning up to that.
• Side note: why didn't Molly get her clothes before going home?  Couldn't swing by the closet on the way from the tent to the car?
• Wait. I missed out on the Tooth Nazi talking to Jason while crying and vomiting?  How did that scene not make the recap?
• Man, it would have really been something to hit Nikki with improv singing and improv acting gigs back to back.  Even though I'm looking forward to "death" on the 2-on-1 date, this would have been great too.
• I'll say it again.  Stick-up-her-butt lacrosse coach is twenty-fracking-five years old?  I can't comprehend.  Can we do some research on her Danny Almonte style?
• Oh!  Jip.  The "couple of hoo-errs" line is scripted?  I was excited to see that unfold.
• "Feels like a real Hollywood set" you say, Jason?  Probably because it is an ACTUAL Hollywood set, dude.
• Nervous Texas says "I think Naomi got to kiss Jason about 11 times in their scene and it got harder and harder and harder ..."  That's what she said ... "to watch."  Oh, you ruined it.
• Seriously, try to process this.  Nervous Texas and Stick-Up-Her-Butt are the same age.  Not possible.
• I really appreciate the cut back to the house so that Nikki can start crying about nothing.  It had been about 4 minutes.  The girl has a skill.  She can turn anything into a weepy pity party.  2-on-1 date?  Death.  11 year relationship?  Should be married with a kid by now.  Basket full of kittens?  They'll die some day.  
• Perfect response to "I only want the rose if you wanna give it to me." ... "I hear you."  I mean, you can't argue with that.  Let's go the judges: 9, 9.5, 10, 9, and an precedented 10 from the German judge.  A near-perfect score in the medal round of Question Dodging.
• Holy crap.  There's 40 minutes left in this episode?  I'm kinda glad I missed week 3.
• I actually feel bad for the Tooth Nazi.  Watching a woman totally break down ... not good times.  At least she was keen enough to realize she just got rejected.
• OMG Nikki is a downer!  I can't imagine that there's even an ounce of fun to be had with this girl.  "Get ready to dance the night away!" ... "yay."  Shoot me in the face.  And I'm just watching her on TV.  Can you imagine dating her?
• Remember, ladies, if you're looking for a dude that stays in the box, Jason is not your guy.  Don't look at me.  He said it.   Unrelated rant: the metaphorical "box" is more played out than the metaphorical "end of the day".  There is no box any more, people.  The box is gone.  No one is thinking IN the box anymore.  Hence, thinking out of the box has lost all meaning.  Just end it.
• My mind was just blown.  Apparently dancing (of all things) is a good metaphor for a relationship.  I'm having trouble following along, but apparently in both dancing and relationships ... sometimes you lead ... and sometimes ... you FOLLOW?  Huh?  I think this dance coach is some kind of transcendent mind because I'm usually pretty quick to pick up on stuff like this, but ... leading AND following?  In both dancing AND relationships?  Too clever for me.
• One thing Nikki has going for her: she can do choreographed dancing!  And all she needs is ... (wait for it) ... weeks or flipping MONTHS to prepare.  Talented AND fun loving?  I just can't get enough of this girl!
• Nikki takes a whole new angle on desperation.  She pretty much just said that Stephanie should be taken out of the running because she already had a husband.  Dead or not.  A husband is still a husband.  And once you have one, you gotsta move to the back of the line, girlfriend!  How can Jason NOT just propose to this girl right now?
• In case all my ridiculous conclusions and capital letters haven't made it obvious, re-read my last few posts out loud while applying the most sarcastic tone you could possibly imagine.  Hell, read everything in a super sarcastic tone.  It's more fun that way anyway.
• You'd think I'd be happy now that Nikki got the boot, but I'm even more angry.  "You should never ever change?"  Yes, you should.  "I loved it.  Every minute of it."  No, you didn't.  Are both of these people taking crazy pills!?
• This is unreal.  She won't stop.  "I don't know how much smarter I could get or how much prettier I could get?"  A) Yeah, he dumped you because of your lack of intelligence.  If you had just known the answer to 14-across in the Sunday crossword, you'd still be in here.  Next time, I'm sure you'll hit the vocab harder and land your true love!  B) How can you be this conceited whilst being dumped?  You don't know HOW you can get smarter?  Are you actually trying to say you have nothing left to learn?  100% unlikeable.  Nikki.
• Okay, enough with Nikki.  Back to ripping on Jason.  How is he seriously into Stephanie while also being into chicks like Lauren and Melissa?  I can't imagine more different females.
• Okay, is Jason the biggest mack (aka man-whore) that The Bachelor has ever known?  Kissing at the end of one-on-one dates used to be a big deal.  This dude makes out with each and every girl at the rose ceremony!  I can't figure out how I feel about this.
• I don't know what to say about Lauren other than ... her approach to this show is unprecedented ... Don't bother asking, just TELL the dude what to say, think, feel and do.  It's bizarre.  Again, I don't know how to react.
• Harrison!  Where ya been all episode, buddy?  Maybe your presence could have saved me from spending 90% of this blog ripping on a girl I don't even know.  
• "Ladies, Jason, in case you have the short term memory of the guy from Memento, in the last 90 seconds, you handed out 2 of the 3 roses you have to hand out ... so this is your last one.  3 minus 2 equals 1.  Got it?  Awesome."
• How about this ... Jason takes a page from Big Swayze's book and rejects them all  I'll admit it.  I didn't see it coming.
• All of their departures were unremarkable ... which I guess is remarkable since the Tooth Nazi was primed for a freak out for sure.

Next week, Jason wears the worst tie/shirt combo in Bachelor history.  Yet ANOTHER page stolen from Big Swayze.  How dare he.

The Bachelor Diaries - The Jason Edition - Episode 2

Okay, we're back. It's episode 2 which is where Jason really starts to get to understand how many bad decisions he made. Were there any girls that Jason really shouldn't have gotten rid of? Did he judge some of his 25 possible mates too quickly? Is someone watching Ty?

Who cares!? No time to dilly dally. Episode 2. Go. Now.

• The recap of the recap features Jason scrubbing down his biceps in the shower. Should I admit to not doing this? Is this an understood staple of shower hygiene? How dirty can one's biceps get that they need specific scrubbing time.
• Also, I think Ty just winked. Kid's got skills. Or a nervous tick. One or the other. Yeah yeah, I know. I've just been formally invited to 13 Beelzebub Place, Hellburg, Hell, 66666.
• I'll steal a bit from Adam Carolla when I ask about the vision board ... why do you have to cut the words out of magazines? If you write out the words in your own fancy font, is the board null and void? Is this some strange ploy for Oprah to sell more copies of her magazines?
• Apparently later ... brace yourselves, people. The claws are gonna come out. Say it ain't so, Harrison!
• Speaking of Harrison, the dude is rocking a blog that puts mine to shame. Seriously, you must read this.
• So after the ladies check out the house (and Nervous Texas tries out the bath tub with no water and full clothes), Chris asks "So what did you think of the house?" ... Ladies: "ye-wow-woo-gre-beau-awe-wee-oooo". "Is it gonna work out for ya?" ... "sur-ye-uh-defi-blur-you-dammit-big-time-jlar-yep." I'm pretty sure that's an exact quote.
• Step 1: hot dog topping test. Step 2: chicken fight in the pool. Step 3: marriage. Just try to deny that logic. It's like ready, set, go. Or uno, dos, tres. Or 29-year-old male, dating reality show, running diary blog.
• Ok, the default rose girl ... she needs to relax. You got your rose. The girls are threatened by you. Move on.
• Unnamed blonde girl quizzed Jason on the 3 branches of government? This is what constitutes stimulating conversation? Hey Jason, ready to get crazy? What's the capital of Vermont? No wait. Let's notch it up. A squared + B squared equals what? OMG, we are off the chain, right? This is B-A-N-A-N-A-S bananas! Quizzes!
• So you girls actually use the hold-the-article-of-clothing-up-against-your-body as an actual way to determine the level of flattery of said article of clothing? What can that possibly accomplish?
• I'll give it up for Robin Thicke's band. They are feeling it considering they're performing for a raging audience of ... two. People. Two people. Seriously, though, as an audience member what do I do when I represent half of the entire audience? Do I make eye contact with the band members? Do I not? Do I bob my head? Do I need to make sure I split time looking at each band member?
• I'll say again. Wow, Robin Thicke. You are perFORming for 2 people like no one ever has.
• Wait. Default pissed off rose girl is a LaCrosse Coach? Is there a profession that could tell someone less about what to expect from someone's personality? Perfume developer? Wig shop owner? Marine Biologist?
• So, when the Goodyear blimp appears on the Bachelor and becomes the most complicated and expensive magic 8-ball ever, who's paying who? Does Goodyear pay the Bachelor for the exposure? Or does ABC pay Goodyear to stoop to such a low? Or is this some sort of shot across the bow of the Firestone clan?
• Hey Jason, Seacrest is gonna be pissed when he sees you wearing his t-shirt/vest comboooooooooo. All 4 feet 8 inches of him is gonna go into a little miniature rage all over you. (Oh, c'mon, everbody's doing it. Try it. It's fun.)
• I'll say this for Nikki, the girl who is coming off an 11-year relationship and has only kissed that dude since she was 17 ... if she takes kissing as seriously as she says ... well, Jason takes kissing ... jokingly ... [cough]-he'skissingeveryone-[cough]-ahem!
• P.S. I just blew my own mind when I realized I'm the same age as Nikki. Is that how I'm supposed to act as a 29-year-old?
• Okay, the girl that chatted with Jason after the widower ... the girl who decided to go home to be with her family ... I've never seen that girl before. I'm serious. Who are you?

Woops, my DVR thought that the 8:30-9 block was "Samantha Who?" I'll have to finish this off when they post it online tomorrow. Until then ... kisses are serious business, people. I'm 29. I should know.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're back. I believe I signed off just as the cat claws were being extended ...

• As far as drama goes, this was pretty weak. I did enjoy that what's-her-face declared that she wanted clarification because she "deserved it." Talk about stating the obvious, Megan. You're entitled. You're entitled to ... clarification. Don't you let anyone keep it from you, girl!
• Jason just used the word "alluded". I'm pretty confident in saying this is a Bachelor/Bachelorette first.
• Who was the one girl that actually responded to Harrison's "good evening"?
• Ugh! Megan gets a rose and sorta keeps up the tradition with "stop it right now". I really would have preferred "burn in hell, fatties!" Another week of her projecting general malaise at everyone. Great.
• I don't think the widower has moved her head yet -- oh wait, she got a rose and then showed us every tendon she has in her neck.
• In terms of presenting himself to America, Jason seems to be doing a good job of picking all the young cuties while peppering in some single moms and other good "stories". Right? While we're here, I think Ando makes a point that kissing 4 girls in one episode may be a record ... especially this early.
• Oh. The job quitter bites the dust. That's gotta sting. Hopefully unemployment covers the flight home. Try this on your next job interview: "I quite the Bachelor to come to this interview!"

Next week. Shocker! Default Rose is still pissed. At everyone. Great. Plus, what's that running down the beach? It's your kid, widower! Just the drama I'm looking for in an online dating reality show.

I miss Big Swayze and Hillary.

Prelude to a Marathon

Warning: this post is entirely self indulgent.  There's a 98% chance this will only be interesting to me.

So I have my 4th marathon coming up in a week - The Phoenix Rock 'n' Roll Marathon.  Most of last year's training was done in Peru.  This meant my lungs got a great work out, but the number of long distance runs I could do was lacking.

This year's training has been hampered by ... well, general laziness.  I haven't done one run prior to 9am in order to avoid the cold (i.e. no week day runs) and I've been working a lot (60-65 hour weeks) and I had a badly timed (as far as marathon training is concerned) trip to Aspen.

With all that said, I'm going to be extremely interested to see how things go next week.  For now, let's have a look at ...

Last year's "long" training run 2 weeks before the marathon:

This year's "long" training run 1 week before the marathon:

And a total comparison of the 3 months leading into the race:

I'll post again in a week-ish to compare the actual marathons.

The Bachelor Diaries - The Jason Edition - Season Premiere

So I didn't even think I was going to have time to do this thing. In fact, I thought I had missed the premiere because I hadn't set my DVR. But then it turns out my DVR loves me and had taped it. And then I started the thing while eating dinner. And I wasn't 15 seconds in before I was bitching about Newnan to my roommate Dave. I paused it, ate my dinner and here we are.

You know the drill. Snarky snarky here we go.

• "Are we Greek?" F Newnan. F that girl. "Are we Greek?" No, WE are not. You are, Pappas. P.S. did you hear that Jesse shredded his last gnar all over her face? Yeah, they broke up.
  
• While we're going down memory lane ... You're my boy, Jessie! Gnar! We miss you Big Swayze. So. So. Much. Okay, on with the Jason edition.
• Wow, dude is veiny. Gah.
• "Ty's not gonna be around for the whole thing, but he'll be here for the start. We'll probably send him home before I start sealing all kinds of deals. Chicks love veins."
• How many times in his life has Ty been called "buddy"? I put the over/under at 47 billion.
• Whoever had 2:48 in the pool for the first Harrison hyperbole, you win ... "the most romantic season ever."
• There is no way that any less than 100% of these girls worked out on the day of the first party.
• "I'm a tooth Nazi. Ha ha ha ha." Uh, yeah, okay. Glad one of us is laughing.
• Dominique. It was over before it started.
• Melissa (Cowboy cheerleader) ... uh, nice work, camera 2. Good gravy, don't make it obvious or anything.
• Yes! We have our first drop-dead-obvious nickname: Vision Board! BTW, did you hear that Oprah's fat again? OMG it's crazy times! Right!?!? She was fat once. And then skinny. And now fat again!
• "I handle bitches with a slap," says Naomi. Well, I mean, duh. As if anyone ever handled bitches via some other method.
• I'll give it to Jason for being original. He's somehow both nervous AND excited about the party. Is this guy dynamic or what?
• Yes, drink, ladies. Drink that sweet, sweet champagne. We'll all thank you kindly for it in a few hours.
• Carrie from Kansas is wearing pink eye shadow. There's just no getting around it.
• The salsa dance has me cringing like mad. It's too much. Too much, salsa girl.
• Stacia, the 24 year old mother of 2 from Utah ... no comment.
• Nikki from Chicago ... eyes up here, Jason! Up here!!!
  
• The cringing returns with golfing girl from Michigan. Thanks for that.
• So when a Brazilian girl laughs awkwardly after you tell her you know a little bit of Spanish, that's her way of being too embarrassed to tell you they speak Portuguese in Brazil.
• Wow, I really dislike Dominique. Her puff piece had the 100% opposite effect than I imagine the producers would have hoped.
• And the Tooth Nazi claims the cringe grand prize with the fake teeth. Great work.
• "The most shocking twist in Bachelor history" is apparently upcoming. Breathe it in, people.
• Great moments in local news: "A rocker is helping out a politician ... at 10." I'm not making this up, people! Who could possibly turn away from such a story?
• These ladies are serious. They just did a tequila shot with pops Jason.
• Fun fact, Jason has the same birthday as my boy, Lubs. Thanks for the knowledge, Tooth Nazi.
• Jason, if you and your veins ever want to do anything for me ... boot Dominique. Boot her now. How about the first impression booting? Can we install that as the new shocking twist?
• Anyone wondering how to immediately weird out a dude, here's your answer: "I actually resigned from my job to be here."
• Canada is actually making hot dogs? What is that all aboot? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh I kill me. Good times.
• I will say this with no sense of irony at all. Mustard is exactly the right choice. No one needs Canada to tell them that.
• See what Lauren the teacher did differently from Sharon the teacher? She did NOT quit her teaching job prior to coming on the show. She also wore a leopard print dress that is not exactly cut high. Ya know!? Jerry!!!??!?!?!
• "We got a box. It's a box, we got a box." How much would I have lost it if someone quoted Brad Pitt in Se7en when they presented the box? "What's in the f'ing box!?"
• I'll say it. I like nervous girl from Dallas.
• I'm pretty sure Natalie just asked if Melissa is ready to be a "mendor" to a child. When it comes to mendoring, I have to say I too am unsure if Melissa is qualified.
• "I mean he's 14 months so he's still learning," says Megan the mom. Uh, when exactly do you expect your child to stop learning?
• First impression rose? More like first im-breast-ion rose! Heyo!!!
• Let's give it up for Megan being the first person ever to say "you a-holes" while walking to receive a rose. I really hope this becomes a trend. You must utter a blanket insult to all the other ladies after Jason calls your name at the ceremony. "Erica." "Take that, you hookers!" "Will you accept this rose?" "Of course I will, Jason. Thank you."
• At least one more week of the Tooth Nazi. Get your cringes ready.
• Unemployed lands a rose? Chick is weird beard.
• Drunky who gets engaged and married and divorced on a whim, Dominique (booyah!), Vision Board, 24-year old mother of 2 from Utah and others get the boot.
• Whoever keeps saying "whore" but turning it into a 2-syllable word is my favorite. She's my favorite.
• Oh, Newnan. I look forward to building on our history of hate with your reprisal this season.
• Also, is Jason trying out for a soap opera with his crying on the balcony routine?
• Spoiler alert! The winner has a French manicure!

Pretty good times, y'all. I could have handled a girl pulling her version of the "coyotes" routine from last year, but at least we're rid of Newnan. Oh wait.

Biggest Movie Plot Holes, Volume 1

Okay so I like movies as much as the proverbial next guy.  In fact, unless I'm next to my roommate Dave or Harry Knowles and his crazy neck beard, it's likely that I like movies MORE than the next guy.  And because of that, I understand that they are movies.  They are fictional stories and the whole reason they're entertaining is BECAUSE they came from the imagination of some author or screen writer*.  If they were real, then they wouldn't be movies.  They would be our boring lives where we get up, eat, work, watch TV and sleep.  (Okay, so maybe that's MY boring life ... but anyway ...)  I get it.  It's not real.

With that said, I can't help but take issue with certain plot holes in movies.  Here's a couple.

The rules of Gremlins

In case you were born in the last 3 days, Gremlins is about an over zealous present-seeking father that goes into a shady-looking shop in "China Town" and pretty much steals a tiny creature from an old dude with a sweet beard.

Pops' loot from his theft is a creature (species: mogwai) that is eventually named "Gizmo" and he's the cutest thing alive.  But (shocker) we learn that it's not all fun and games with Gizmo.  Turns out you have to do more than walk Gizmo and let him out to pee before bed.  Here are the rules of owning a mogwai:

1. Avoid exposure to direct sun light.  Descendant of vampires maybe?  
2. Don't get him wet.  Interesting.  Sounds like this will be a little tricky.  Is he allowed to at least drink water?  What happens if some Jell-O accidentally drops on him?  Does that count as wet?
3. Don't feed him after midnight.  Here's where I take issue.

As I already mentioned, I understand that I'm objecting to a single innocent (and plot-driving) piece of admnistrivia within a movie about a previously undiscovered species that is a fluffy biped male (I think?) living teddy bear that was shop-lifted out of China Town ...

But still ... don't feed him after midnight?  Are we talking Eastern time?  Greenwich mean time?  What happens on daylight savings day?  We're supposed to understand that mogwais have some sort of complex internal biological clock that actually keeps track of time by the hour?  Let's say Gizmo scores some frequent flyer miles and you take a flight from NY to AZ and you land in Phoenix 1AM AZ-time.  Can I feed the guy (girl?) or no?

And moreover, it's ALWAYS after midnight if you think about it.  It's 7:38pm right now ... which is ... after midnight from last night.  When does the clock reset?  6AM?  8AM?  Maybe mogwais like to sleep in and breakfast isn't usually until after noon.  

All I'm saying is I like rules and try to follow them.  You give me a mogwai as a gift ... and this kid is going to starve to death.  

In the end, none of this matters because (spoiler alert) wouldn't you know it, all of the rules end up getting broken in the movie and dang if what follows isn't exciting.  But still ... no food after midnight?  Impossible rule to follow, I say.

Doctor Octopus' demonstration in Spider-Man 2

The super villain is Spider-Man 2 is a nuclear physicist who eventually goes bonkers and tries to kill Spiderman (er, uh, spoiler alert - sorry, forgot).  But before losing it, the movie reveals that "Doc Ock" is actually trying to use his knowledge for good.  He's trying to use nuclear fusion to come up with un-ending energy.  The key word there is nuclear.  He's trying to learn how to control nuclear-level reactions.

And how do you prove your worth to Os-Corp (the company that's funding your research)?  Well you put on a demonstration of course and invite all your colleagues and a bunch of media members.  So he puts on this demonstration where he reveals the following:

• He's developed 4 mechanical arms that are necessary to attain the nuclear reaction he's hoping to achieve.
• These arms are "impervious to heat and magnetism."  Uh, wow, that sounds pretty impressive and useful.  I chuck these things into the sun and ... it's all good?  Dang.  Wait, what?  There's more?
• The "smart arms" are attached to his body by something that appears to attach itself to each vertebrae in his spine.  You sure you're not a bio-chemist too, Doc?  Cuz that kind of interface doesn't sound easy to pull off.  Huh?  Still more?
• The arms are controlled by his brain through a "neural link".  "Nano wires" feed directly into his cerebellum.  And THIS still isn't what you want to demonstrate today?  You think maybe you could pass those plans to me then?  Cuz I pass right by the patent office on my way home.  Oh, still more to show off?  Sorry for interrupting.
• These arms will help him control a nuclear reaction inside an environment no human hand could survive in.  

Without taking a breath, Doc Ock just revealed arguably 4 scientific break throughs that would change the world as we know it.  Finally, one of the people observing this demo pipes up.  And what does this chick ask the doctor?  Well, let's list out all the questions she doesn't ask:

• With this amount of ridiculous mind-blowing technology, what the crap do you need funding from Os-Corp for?
  
• Seriously, you didn't even mention all the pins that stuck in your vertebrae.  What the hell, dude?
• It's IMPERVIOUS to heat?  You sure you know what that word means?
• So walk me through this.  You have the skill to create both a neural link and a material that's impervious to heat, but the only way you've figured out how to control a friggin' nuclear reaction is basically by MANUALLY taking control of 4 smart arms?  You have to drive this thing?
  
• Oh, and here's a related question.  How long did it take you to learn how to control 4 extra appendages?  Is there some sort of course at the annex that teaches you how to triple the amount of arms your brain can control?  And we're not talking about using them to make a sandwich or even build a car.  We're talking about controlling fusion!
• And finally, speaking of nuclear reactions, in the name of heat-impervious smart arms, why the hell are we about to try to set off a nuclear reaction in a flipping4th floor loft apartment in Man-flipping-hattan, New York?!  They didn't choose the location of Area 51 because of its natural beauty.  They picked it because they needed a place to.  Test.  Nuclear.  Reactions.

No no.  None of those.  What does she ask instead?  Something to the effect of ... "If those smart arms are so intelligent, what is to keep them from taking control of YOU?"  And THEN he points out the "inhibitor chip" that protects his "higher brain functions"!  I mean,  are screen writers taking crazy pills?!  She asks about the one plot element that will eventually be the key to Doc Ock turning evil?  It's the worst attempt at foreshadowing I've ever seen.  

Again, I know it's fake.  I know it's a movie about a guy that can stick to walls because he was bitten by a radioactive spider, but did they have to introduce the "inhibitor chip" via the most improbable question ever (given the circumstances) spoken by an extra that was probably off the set before lunch?  Not to mention that the inhibitor chip reveals that he has learned how to separate "higher" brain functions from "lower" brain functions and then translate which functions are which to some kind of computer AI!?  Was Ock going to skip over his 5th scientific revolution if she didn't ask?

What I'm trying to say here is ... know your audience, screen writers.  The people that are coming to see Spider Man 2 are not expecting to see something that resembles a documentary.  They're expecting to overpay for crappy popcorn and see some special effects.  You don't need to ground every plot point in reality.  And if you're going to try to do that, how about using some reality where all the demonstration observers freak out and run for their lives when they realize they're about to be blown to nuclear smithareens along with the rest of Manhattan?

P.S.  My favorite sci-fi movie is The Matrix: a movie based on the idea that we're all living in a big shared dream while our combined body heat is farmed to keep a civilization of robots alive.  Hypocrite?  Looks that way.

*Unless of course the movie is "based on true events," but I already ranted about that here.