John Mayer at Cricket Pavilion in Phoenix

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Apparently, there are rules

Okay, so I think enough time has passed that I can post this without worry of the female in question perusing it and then going postal on me. What I'm going to present to you is an email from a female I spoke on the phone with a couple times and went on one (singular) date with. Let's start with the back story ...

• We meet via Yahoo! Personals. I've been known to meet girls via the Internet from time to time. It's 2008.
• We "break the ice" and then commence emailing via the Yahoo! Personals email service.
• Eventually, we transition over to emails using our own actual email addresses. (Sadly, this is usually a big step in the world of online dating.)
• Between Yahoo! and real email, we have nice a little exchange over the course of a couple weeks.
• Then I get a little bit busy and end up not emailing her for 22 days (trust me, I did the math).
• She responds to my belated email with a snarky response indicating she's not happy with how long I took to email her. Somehow though, I'm able to reconcile the situation and get this girl's phone number.
• I then even somehow arrange an in-person meeting ... lunch, no big deal. This was on a Friday.
  
• I thought lunch went fine. I didn't look back at it as my best effort, but then I got a text from the girl later that night saying something to the effect of "good times today."
  
• I texted back saying "Call you next week."
• "Next week" ended up being Thursday (6 days later if you're counting).
• Come Monday, I hadn't heard from her so I dropped her an email echoing the sentiments of Thursday's call: "Hey, how's it going? Care to get together again for another date? etc."
  
• A week later I get the email below.
  
• My commentary in blue. Enjoy.

"Hi Luke

Sorry I just got this email. I don't check this account much anymore. Sorry I did not reply to your phone call. I just didn't see much point. When you didn't call me for over a week (6 days if you're into the whole accuracy thing) after not emailing me for over a month (again, 22 days if you really wanna split hairs), I decided that things probably wouldn't work out for us. Most guys make that call in 3-4 days max if they had a good time (for future reference) (noted) and the call is never made on a Friday or Saturday night (I called on Thursday ... again, accuracy is more important to some than others) if the plan is to go out on Friday or Saturday night. If you call at least 2 days in advance it is always greatly appreciated and much less offensive. (Always assume that she has plans on the weekend. (Strange change of tone coming up ...) I had a great time meeting you! I hope that you don't take offense to the constructive criticism. On first impression, I think that you are a really great, well-rounded, fun, and interesting person. (Uhhhhhh, bonus?) You shouldn't miss out on the right girl just because you may not have realized these unspoken rules. (Thanks for speaking the previously unspoken, I s'pose.)

Good luck finding Miss Right :) "

Pretty impressive, no? I mean, if you're looking to reject somebody, that's how you do it.

• Step 1: Point out all their wrongdoings (while paying no attention to accuracy of timing, mind you).
• Step 2: Offer "constructive criticism" in the form of steadfast rules that seemingly must be applied for success in dating of all things.
  
• Step 3: Tell the dude how great he is and how much you like(d) him.

Good times all around. If I'm being pessimistic ... uh, really? I miss your "call window" by 2 days (6 days instead of the recommended 4) and that's it? Such a mistake indicates that there are certainly no good times that could possibly be found in the future?

If I'm being optimistic (which I am) ... Assuming I had somehow recovered from this email and efforted my way into conversing with this girl again, it's pretty great to think that I'd basically be the dog house coming into date #2. Can't imagine what rules would apply in that scenario. You think she'd drop the latest in "constructive criticism" before or after desert?

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Just go. Please just ... go.

The title of this entry goes out to everyone that is found in either of the situations below. And I really didn't think these situations happened very often, but they've happened enough recently that I felt compelled to lay them out here.

Don't wait for that pedestrian, just go. Please just ... go.

Let's say you're waiting to turn right at a light and the light turns green and a pedestrian on the other side of the street starts heading your way, just go. Please just ... go.

Here's what I'm talking about:

When this happens, and you're in the car in front of me, just go. Please just ... go. I've seen about a billion people in the situation above and what do they do? They wait. They wait until the pedestrian has cleared the street entirely. Using my small sample size, this takes between 20 and 400 seconds (normal brisk walker vs. homeless person with their shed-sized shopping cart). And by this time the crosswalk is completely free of pedestrians, the light is no longer green and only a couple cars can make their right turn on this cycle of the light. I understand you're trying to be courteous to the pedestrian and all, but let's get serious. What you're really being is discourteous to all the motorists behind you (specifically me).

Look, you've got a minimum of 10 seconds before you're even going to be close to even gusting some drive-by wind on that pedestrian. Unless the walk signal fires up and this guy breaks into an olympic-qualifying level sprint, you are in no danger even attracting this pedestrian's attention, much less actually executing any level of vehicular manslaughter.

I'm serious. The light turns green. Take a moment and look at the pedestrian and realize how long it will be before he/she even gets to the middle of the road. Assess the 100% lack of danger and just go. Please just ... go.

Once again, don't wait for that pedestrian in the parking lot, just go. Please just ... go.

This situation is pretty much exactly the same, but in this example, I'm the pedestrian. And this situation seems to be exclusive to parking lots. Here it is.

I'm approaching a throughway in a parking lot and I see a car that is going to intersect my path. I recognize this and stop to wait for the car to pass me. If you're driving that car, just go. Please just ... go. Illustration:

So, once again, in the situation above, I think the motorist typically has this innate sense of courtesy so they stop and wait for me to go. The problem is that I was going up until I saw you. And then I stopped very deliberately and am purposefully not looking in your direction in hopes that you'll keep going. But inevitably you don't. And then what do I have to do? I have to do the f'ing courtesy jog (when I'm likely carrying a soda and a bag of lunch food). End result: you had to wait to get where you're going. I had to do the courtesy jog and the whole thing took about 10 seconds.

Let's recap:

• I stop
• You stop
• I go "Oh! You want me to go?"
• I courtesy jog
• You wait
• You go
• 10 seconds gone
  

In my preferred alternative scenario, here's what happens. You're approaching my position in the parking lot. I stop. You recognize that I just stopped walking and so you just keep on rolling. Why? Because you're in a car. By default, you're already executing your own courtesy jog. I kindly and happily wait while you swiftly move past me. And then I go. And the whole thing takes about 5 seconds. See how nice that was?

Let's recap:

• I stop
• You go
• I go
• 5 seconds gone
  

Next time, just go. Please just ... go.

Did I just spend a half hour drawing pictures and writing up something that will save me a max of 5 seconds per encounter? Yes. Yes, I did. Some day (roughly 360 encounters from now), it will all be worth it.

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Google Street View of My House

You can gander the Google street view of my complex here. Or check it below.

Some great things to note:

• The "For Sale" sign - I've lived in this complex for almost 3 years and this sign has been there since before day one. Apparently, there's been an empty condo the entire time I've lived here.
• The SUV - This car has been broken into at least twice since they seem to leave valuables in their car and we live across the street from not-the-nicest apartment complex.
• The open garage door - For some reason or another (and in spite of all the car break-ins), someone seems to leave their garage door open for an extended period of time at least once a day. And most times the open garage door reveals no car which, to me, says that not only is the garage door open, but no one is home. We've got some real safety-conscious home owners is what I'm saying.
  

These are the Olsen Townhomes. And I live here.

A few thoughts about the iPhone 3G and iPhone cases

So the new iPhone (the iPhone 3G) launched today. Let me start by saying this. I don't NEED a new iPhone at all. I already have an 8GB 1st generation iPhone that I put to use quite nicely. And, since I already have an iPhone, all I'm really getting by purchasing the new one is faster downloads and GPS. Still, though ... me wanty. I have plans for that extra 8GB I'll have with a 16GB phone.

So I choose to wait out the long lines and hit the Apple store around 2pm. I find out they're out of 16GB black iPhones. So I find myself thinking "I can do white. I have fond memories of owning white iPods and I'm actually sad I can't buy white iPods anymore. A white iPhone will be like a nice little renaissance." So then I gander the white iPhone in person and ... it just looks funny.

I stared at it for 20 minutes and just couldn't do it. So I ended up holding onto my cash and leaving the store with plans of picking up a black 16GB iPhone at a future date.

But before I left the store, another customer had the same dilemma as I did. He wasn't into the white iPhone either, but he was turned quickly when the clerk said "well, if you just get a black case, then you won't even see the white." And that was all it took. He was headed for the register. I could tell from his reaction that the white-masking case made more sense to him than the sky being blue and Tucson being hot. I mean, the concept of him not getting a case was right out. First comes iPhone, then comes case, then comes a baby in a baby carriage. Bing bang bong.

Here's my question: why?

It seems to me that the main concept of a case is protection. Cell phones are expensive. Cell phones are fragile. Protect your expensive fragile merchandise, right? Well here's the thing. The iPhone cases don't protect the fragile part of the iPhone. By definition, they can't. The iPhone requires you to be able to see and touch the screen. So the cases can't cover that.

And as far as I can tell that's all you'd want to protect. But you can't. Cuz then the iPhone would be worthless. And yet, iPhone cases sell like mad. There are tons of iPhones out there where the hard plastic backing is some kind of great shape. The backs of those iPhone are in mint condition, ya know? The screen might be cracked to all hell, but the back of that iPhone is like new out of the box.

In my opinion, all you're really getting with your iPhone case is a little bit of extra volume added to your iPhone. What was once thin and sleek is now a little bit bigger. And you're still on your own to protect that giant piece of glass.

I've had a case-free iPhone since launch day 1 and I've enjoyed how slim it is all the while. And my jean pocket has done a fine job of protecting my precious screen (I actually have some deep thoughts on this that I'll explain on a later post).

In the meantime, buy your precious worthless iPhone cases, everyone. Keep pumping that shadow economy.

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Grammar Quiz

This is pretty eye opening:

The Bachelorette Musings, The Finale and After the Final Rose

Well, I'm nearly 29 and this is my Monday night. I'm prepared to watch 3 f'ing hours of DeAnna, Jesse and Jason. Son of a b. Sorry to use harsh ... letters, but I mean ... with nights like this ... can't wait for 30! You know what they say? 30 is the new 20 (year old sorority girl). Oh me oh my I am lacking in masculinity ... OKAY onto the show!

• So we start with a recap which featured Jason saying "I never expected to meet someone like DeAnna." Right. You expected to meet DeAnna exactly ... which you did. Don't they know who the b'lette is when they submit their app? No?
• Holy crap, we're actually in Newnan. Nnnnnnnnnewnan!
• So DeAnna's sister ... uh ... she looks ... not like DeAnna.
• Why is Newnan sitting on the couch with her feet just barely hovering off the ground? Is she that tiny or did they buy their couch from the mad hatter?
• Ah, the Pappas' reminiscing about Big Swayze ... good times.
• Jason, in reflecting about Newnan, says "my feelings grow 100% probably every day." Probably. Some days it's only 87%. Other days 120%. But it probably averages out to 100 so we're cool.
• Does Mr. Pappas rock a cane? Or is he just going to beat Jason with it if he pulls a Big Swayze?
• OH! It wasn't a cane, it was a golf club ... that he uses in his front yard. Work on that short game, Big Pappas.
• Big Pappas says Jason is "a gem of a guy." He went on to say that Jason is outrageous, truly truly truly outrageous.
• Onto Jesse's in-house session and he's getting grilled compared to Jason. Apparently being a snowboarder is much much worse than being a divorced single dad. I'm not saying either is worse than the other. I'm just saying take it easy on my boy Jesse. Equal opportunity grilling, please.
  
• Big Pappas says "I have a nephew that's 6'5" 300 lbs. and we'll come hunt you down." Jesse's response: "Nice." Honestly what else CAN you say to something like that? You're my boy, Jesse!
• Oh no! Jesse didn't ask the permission. Safe to say he didn't kill it. Didn't kill it.
• Hyperbole is back! Harrison says "it's the most awkward family visit ever." Good times.
• Wow, so I don't think I heard her right but apparently the extended family visits involves meeting Zhahj, Yaya, Papoo and Uncle Blue Tarp. Or Clutark. Or Flulark. And of course Tina. There's always a Tina.
• So Jesse shows up and then Jason shows up and we basically have this on our hands.
• Just what this season needed ... another big ladle full of awkward sauce. Jason, DeAnna and Jesse on the same couch in front of Yaya and Papoo and Tina. Drink it in, everyone. It's probably our last helping.
• Jesse shows Yaya and Papoo how to "blow it up". Good times. Later he shows them how to huck a rodeo hambone steal grind! There was one casualty, but trust me, it was worth it ... and rad.
• Yaya chooses Jason?! What the gd? He didn't show you how to blow it up!
• Well at least Jesse is killin' it with the sister and sis-in-law while Yaya and Papoo are fawning over Jason. Killed it with the sisters!
  
• Wow, let's hear it for the music director. As Jesse asks for Big Pappas' blessing, there is a dramatic crescendo, a pause and then a laid back acoustic guitar jam as Pappas grants his blessing. Listen closely, everyone. Those smooth acoustic notes are telling you everything's gonna be okay.
• And then Jesse and Big Pappas nug! AND blow it up! Oh man, he killed it! Killed it! You're my boy, Jesse! Eat that, Yaya!
• DeAnna, really? You really want this guy? Really?
• Yaya goes nugs with Jesse again? Don't do it, Jesse. She's disloyal. She's a traitor to the code of the nugs.
• Well, looks like the sisters are traitors too. They're all up on Jason despite Jesse killin' it with both of them. Not lookin' good for my boy.
• So Jeremy comes back. Looks like that previous helping of awkward wasn't our last. We get a big awkward double fudge sundae with awkward sauce sprinkled with awkward cherries! And two awkward spoons!
• Once again Jeremy and DeAnna are the most boring couple ever. I'm fast forwarding. She's rejecting him yet again. Nice work, Newnan.
• Okay, the 2-hour format is not helping here. Jesse and DeAnna get their own island. Jesse gives DeAnna a memory book. Jesse READS her the book out loud. We get it. It's great. It's wonderful. They like each other a lot.
• Just noticed they changed the bachelorette logo so that the "O" is a diamond ring. Nice touch, ABC.
• Jason and Newnan go scuba diving with sharks on their date. Get it? It's a metaphor for their whole relationship. The ocean is the format of the show: very difficult to navigate without mouthfuls of awkward salt water. The sharks are the other bachelors, specifically Greg the Coyotes guy. And the self contained underwater breathing apparatus is Chris Harrison: necessary to the show, but annoying and tough to get used to. Nah! I'm just kidding, Harrison. Lova ya, buddy!
• And then this dude makes DeAnna a flipping board game. Let me guess what it's called. CandyLAME! No, wait. Chutes and LAMERS! No no no. SORRY, I'm a Tool. Stretch on the last one? Okay.
  
• So the dudes pick out their respective rings and I get how it's special and all ... I guess. But honestly, is there a ring that one guy could pick out that would cause DeAnna to say "Hmmm, you know what? Nah. I can't be with a guy that picks that ugly giant diamond." What's that? I'm totally insensitive? Dang it.
• Also, Jesse has cut off a chunk of his hair since the start, no?
• While we're here, Jesse is rocking some emotions. Near hurling at the ring choosing and crying in the confessional. We've come a long way from the 3-step hand shake at the start.
  
• Well, Jason is the first out of the limo. The show's history tells us this is typically a bad sign for Jason and a gnarly/rad sign for Jesse. Jason is also wearing an orange tie.
  
• Man, DeAnna is cold as ICE! Jason drops to a knee and before he can even say a word, she says "no". Big Swayze taught her well.
• Can't believe Jesse killed it! He killed it! Check my quote from this entry: "Do you think Newnan knows what it means to 'shred the gnar'? Me neither." I sit corrected, Newnan. I sit corrected.
• Also this proves that being first out of the limo means doom on all incarnations of this show.
• What the hell is up with the switching of sides after the rejection? It's happened before and it happened just now. Newnan lines up on the right for the rejection and lines up on the left for Jesse. Bizarre, I say.
• Well, Newnan does NOT pull a Big Swayze and she accepts the MADE coach's proposal. Killed it.
• You know, the music montage was cheeseball, but I remember that it's not as bad as all that monkey talk during the last finale we saw.
• Nugs, Jesse. Blow it up. Can't believe I watched the whole damn season. F.

Onto The Bachelorette: After the Final Rose. I mean, why the hell not? Right?

• There seem to be quite a few more dudes in tonight's audience.
• DeAnna and Jason chat and it all actually seems to conclude pretty dang well. Good work, all.
• We're 25 minutes in on my 3rd bullet point. Clearly this is some gripping TV.
• Well if it isn't Matt and Shane (aka Monkey) ... and Lamas is wearing a giant ass belt. I've seen some belts in my day, but wow. That is an undercarriage for the ages.
• Man, that Matt/Lamas season really blew. This montage can't end fast enough. F it. I'm fast-forwarding. I can't handle it.
• I guess we should speculate on the "surprise" announcement ... I'll be obvious and say preggers? I mean, that'd be something. But it's probably something lame like "we're moving to Denver!" or "DeAnna bought a snowboard!"
  
• One entire (ly non-gripping) segment later and we get the announcement. They set a date. Let's all say it: fannnnnnnnnntastic.

Well, that last hour brought the show to a screeching halt. And then dragged out that screech for another hour. Shoot me in the face. "Hi, I'm ABC and we have ZERO summer programming." Nice to meet you, ABC. Good luck filling your Mondays now!

P.S. Hi, Big Swayze. You're still awesome.

And finally, shamelessly, click on any of these little links below if you're so inclined. It'll maybe get a few new readers to the bloggy here. Onwards and upwards, ya know?

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Cherish these moments

You know what moment is a special big ball of awkward? It's the time when you pull up behind a pick up truck ... and there's a guy sitting in the back of the truck ... and your car and his truck come up to a red light.

The situation is tailor made for the most amazing male on male eye contact awkwardness imaginable. It's engineered so you have to make efforts to not look at each other. He's in the back of the truck. And obviously the most comfortable sitting position in the truck bed is with his back against the cab and his legs extended out so that he's facing directly backwards. And you're driving so you have to face forward. End result: 2 dudes pretty much situated like this:


This just happened to me and I've never worked so hard at avoiding eye contact. I'm looking at the truck's license plate. I'm looking sorta past the truck and at whatever is ahead on the right. I think it was an electronics supply store. I'm adjusting my cap and messing with the radio. But at the same time I have to continue looking generally forward. If I commit to avoiding eye contact by re-organizing the junk in my center console, I run the risk of missing the change of the light and having to do that awkward wave to the person behind me as I jam on the gas and try to make up the gap. And guess who's waiting for me when I close said gap? That's right: truck bed boy. Great.

And it really doesn't help that you know the dude is embarrassed about his riding situation. Not only does he seem to not have a car, but he doesn't even get to ride inside the flipping truck. He's been relegated to the same place where the truck's owner typically throws his bag, trash, dead deer carcasses, whatever. And in my particular situation, they made him ride in the bed instead of riding bitch in the truck cab. Bitch was open! And he was still forced to ride in the back. How good of a friend is the guy who is forced to ride in the bed when bitch is open? So he's hanging with friends that really don't seem to like him while sitting in the bed of a truck and sharing a giant jug of awkward eye contact sauce with yours truly. Good times, brah.

Next time, dude, just stay home and save us both from the horror, eh?

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