Amateur Improv: Johnjay and Rich - War of the Roses

So Ando and I drove around the SD/Wyoming/Colorado area (pictures forthcoming) and eventually we listened to some Johnjay & Rich / War of the Roses podcasts. If you're not familiar, check some 'casts here. Trust me, it will add to the ridiculousness below.

Eventually our love/hate for this segment could not be contained and we engaged in some grade-A first take amateur improv. It was so good we got pulled over for DWI - driving while IMPROV'ING! BOOM! No no no, no arrests. The cop let us off cuz it he thought it was gd hilarious! Zing! I kid I kid. Here goes nothin' ...

The Bachelorette Musings - Hot Dog Jillian - Season Premiere

Well ... here goes nothing. It's my BS bullet points against the Sports Gal's tweets. (2,000 followers already!) You be the judge. This should also be interesting cuz I only know what I skimmed regarding the most shocking season in Bachelor history!

• Jillian, I don't even know you, but 1) you run weird and 2) you drop the cliches with the best of them: "open my heart", "let my walls down", "I don't give an s what he puts on his hot dog." Er. Wait.
• Just re-read last season's premiere blog. Looks like I was then referring to Jillian as 'Canada.' I think we can do better than that this season.
  
• Who had 9 minutes in the breakdancing footage pool? You win.
  
• We're 5 dudes in and they're all douches. One of them just said "I'm a catch because I just graduated from law school and I'm an attorney at law."
  
• Look, people. If you think Jake is trying to be an average pilot ... well, I mean, you're just dead wrong. He's looking to be an artist pilot ... or a pilot artist. I don't quite get it but he's trying to make art out of flying single prop planes I guess.
• See, the problem with being named Kiptyn ... is that Google has you by the balls. Case in point. And just in case he deletes it, I screen capped the pig shot.
• I just spent the entire Harrison interview Googling Kyptin. I assume it was the standard bs: looking for Mr. Right, how did it feel to get owned by Jason, hyperbole hyperbole hyperbole.
  
• It's not flying, okay? It's aviation. Only average pilots say flying.
• First impression by John from Boise in a word: hammered.
  
• What are you saying about yourself when you're Brad the financial advisor and your first move is to dust your shoulders off? Dandruff problem? Fan of Jay-Z?
• Okay, the word of the day is ... cool. Jillian says cool 0.9 times per meet and greet.
• I like how the spray down of the side walk for dramatic effect has ruined Jillian's dress. I blame you, Harrison.
• Holy shit. I thought I had ABC on a typo, but apparently not: restaurateur is a word. Are there other words where I can just leave out random letters while maintaining the word's meaning?
• Jillian, seriously stop saying cool.
• Kyle, I think I already said it once, but you're a douche.
• Steve, YOU'RE a douche. I take back everything I said about Kyle.
• If I ever appear on the Bachelorette and get my own Spanish guitar riff as I emerge from the limo, kill me. My life is complete.
• Greg, YOOOOOOOOU'RE a douche!!! Kyle and Steve, you've been entirely out-douched.
• How much would I pay for Harrison to go hyperbolic with the word "douchiest?"
• Her dress is fully ruined. It's like she's wearing a mop around her feet.
• There's a developing epidemic on the Bachelor/Bachelorette: the "I don't mean to be rude, but can I steal him/her" move. Is there anything that can be done about this? Should anything be done about this? There may or may not be hours of debate waiting for us.
  
• This guy's name is Tanner F? 1) Giggle. 2) Does this mean there's two dudes named Tanner on this show?
• That's Juan from Santa MONicaaaaaaaaaa!! (This joke was not meant for everyone.)
  
• One of the out-douched just drew on Jillian's finger. And she's eating it up. I did not see that coming.
• Guitar guy kinda makes me miss LeeLee from way back and all her horrificness.
  
• Okay, look, I'm a man. I'm 40. Come at me, etc. With all that said, Breakin' 2: Mike from Astoria seems to be a legit cool dude. But actually cool, not the played out cool that Jillian keeps using.
• The guy with the worst first impression ever knows random ass stats about first impressions? In all seriousness, what are the chances?
• Speaking of stats, the most insignificant twist in Bachelor history gets an unreasonable response. Your chances dropping from 1/25 to 1/30 does not equate to bombs being dropped.
• I just realized I am directly in the age range of all these dudes. I just stared at a blinking cursor for 60 seconds here. There are no words.
  
• Attention, everyone. I have important news. The other Tanner's last initial is P! Best Bachelorette season ever.
  
• Here's what those hamsters jamming out in that Soul car haven't considered: keep up the cruising and all your peers are gonna be in way better shape than you.
• Trying to look at it objectively, I think being one of the last 5 proved to be decidedly advantageous.
• Apparently the Sports Guy lied about the Sports Gal's twitter binge.
• Number of rose ceremony shots of dudes I swear never got out of the limo: 5.
• Number of guys that received a rose that I swear never got out of the limo: 10.
• Yes! F and P both make it to next week! F! P!
• The first time ever where I might have actually needed Chris' help with the rose count. That was a shit load of roses.
• All 3 of the douches get the axe. Well done, Jillian. I guess Jillian has good douche-dar? Too far? Probably.
• Man, Steve is a douche. He would have left a better impression if he ripped his shirt off and howled like a coyote.
• I spent the entire happy portion of "this season on The Bachelorette" looking forward to the moment when the music turned ominous. You're so lovably predictable, Bachelorette.
  

Summer TV, people. It's pretty good okay.

The Mrs. Buttersworth Name Contest. It's About Time.

Kevin and Bean recently turned me on to this: http://mrsbutterworthsyrup.com/namecontest/

Let me start by saying yes, I'm as excited as you are. Let's just compose ourselves though and look at this rationally, shall we?

1. This is the best URL you could get?

Typically "vanity" URLs like this are meant to be quick and short so that people can type it in from memory. With that in mind, you went with mrsbutterworthsyrup.com instead of just mrsbutterworth.com (which you own)? And on top of that you went with /namecontest instead of just /contest or /name? My curiosity led me to my 2nd point ...

2. This isn't their only active contest.

They have not one, but TWO other active contests. What does this say about their target demographic? Apparently if you love syrup enough to go to a syrup website, you are extremely likely to then want to a) burn calories on stories about a bottle of liquid sugar, b) do arts and flipping crafts on behalf of Mrs. B and c) "guess" the name of a fictitious animated talking female glass bottle with no legs. One of these ridiculous wastes of time just isn't enough to satisfy people that love syrup so much they have to turn to the Internet in between trying to induce themselves into a sugar coma every morning.

3. Win BIG!

What's "BIG!", you ask? Lucky for you, I read the rules.

BIG! = A year's supply of syrup + $500 = 1 case of syrup ($550 value) + $500

In other words, "BIG!" is a grand except it's as though you are required to spend half of your winnings on flipping syrup.

And while we're here, a year's worth of syrup = a case? Isn't that something like 24 bottles? 24 bottles of syrup? In a year? Holy balls, people. Can you imagine the average weight of the people entering this contest if they're taking down 24 bottles of syrup per year? No wonder they have time to enter in 3 syrup contests. They can use their 3 hours per day on the treadmill to "guess" Mrs. B's name.

4. "Guess" Mrs. Butterworth's first name? Honestly.

I did a little more research and found that Mrs. Butterworth was originally created in 1961 and, according to the marketing geniuses that created this contest, she had a name this whole time, but I guess they felt they'd sell more sugar sauce if Mrs. B maintained a certain sense of mystery? And now, I guess, is the time to give everyone what they've been waiting for. Now that she's 48 and well into the cougar era, it's time for Mrs. Butterworth to become ... Tina Butterworth? Jane Butterworth? Esther Butterworth? Charisma Butterworth? Whatever the name is, I know I'll be lining up for more sucrose juice and I'll be telling my kids about 2009, the year that the 48-year old mystery was solved.

5. Read the rules or you might get burned.


Who is entering a contest about naming a cartoon food product and using obscene language? "Dear Mrs. B, Thanks for all your f'ing awesome syrup. Seriously pancakes would be s without your gd complimentary f'ing goodness. S. Seriously, Mrs. B. You're the s. F. Is your first name Gertrude?"

On the off chance I win, anyone know if there's a market for cases of syrup on ebay?

P.S. Is Aunt Jemima / Mrs. Butterworth the first weird combination of two nearly identical products coming out at once? Did the likes of Deep Impact / Armageddon and The Prestige / The Illusionist realize there's always room for 2 of everything based on the ongoing success of two bottles of syrup modeled after motherly females?

Yes, this is what I did with my Sunday evening.

Snowboarding in Mammoth

Pardon the self indulgence. I had bigger ideas for this video, but couldn't figure out how to do it in iMovie. Instead ... non-stop sound effects!

The Internet remains awesome

My quest to keep stats on absolutely everything I do is one step closer to complete now that Berg clued me into gyminee.com.

My self made Google spreadsheet ...

Has officially been replaced with my gyminee.com profile.

This site is what iTunes is to music management, what mint.com is to financial management. Plus it's got an iPhone version of the site for on-the-go tracking.

The Bachelor Diaries - The Jason Edition - Episode 5

After a 10 minute break to collect myself and realize I'm going to Hell for not saying a single nice think about Nikki, I'm back.  Who's up for casual making out ... now with Ty sleeping in the next room?  Bonus!

• Nervous Texas keeps all her roses in a zip lock baggy?  I'm not only NOT weirded out by this, but I'm amazed it took this many seasons to see it.  Every chick on the show ever has done this, right?
• I'm 14 minutes in and this is all I've got.  It's the most boring episode of The Bachelor ever!
• When Nervous Texas asked if she could bring her stretchy pants, I couldn't help but think of this.  
• Never before have 4 girls been jealous of a girl who drove herself to a dude's house, did the dishes and then sat on the couch waiting.
• I think Stephanie is wearing a white fur vest hoodie ... for those times when your arms are warm, your chest is cold, and you know you won't be coming in contact with any PETA types.
• A blind kissing test?  We've reached new heights in casual kissing for The Bachelor.  
• And then he nails the test?  As a woman, are you happy or pissed that he knows your kiss and 2 other woman's kisses that well?
• They're openly (and amicably) discussing their jealousies of the other girls?  It's weirding me out.  Apparently Nikki took all the cat claws with her when she left the show.
• Jillian really says "aboot".  I'm having a hard time speculating how I'd feel about being face to face with the #1 go-to Canadian dialect cliche.
• When Jason asks "if we go to your hometown, who would I meet?" ... I mean, you're in, right.  He may as well have just given you a rose, no?
• Did Naomi the flight attendant from Carlsbad, CA just pull out "un poquito"?  
• I really should have an "amazing" count going with Jason.  He's picked up on The Bachelor tradition.  
• Wow, Naomi really liked her date.  Single-prop planes and rock walls are the key to Naomi's heart.  Either that or she's so desperate for a 1-on-1 date that she would have taken a trip to Taco Bell and reruns of Carpoolers.
• This season is suddenly from the twilight zone.  Four of the ladies are sitting in the bathroom drinking beer and (again) amicably discussing all of their pros and cons when it comes to landing Jason.  I bet the producers are pissed.
• I'm glad that Jill and Jason got scones and lattes prior to just chatting and making out the entire time.
• Seriously, what is with that shirt/tie, Jason?  It looks like "Pink Elephants on Parade" ... except more psychadelic.
• Okay, I'll say it.  I will happily date Jill, Melissa or Molly if Jason guns them down.  Am I wrong or are they all generally the bee's knees?  See?  This season just turned crazy.  I'm talking about how much I LIKE the girls ... 3 of them!
• Seriously, they're cheering each other on DURING the rose ceremony!  Up is down.  Down is up.  This season on The Bachelor: Anarchy Reigns!
• Since I'm bored, have you heard Christian Bale's freak out?  And the remix that followed?  Masterpieces both, says I.
• Awwwww, sorry, Steph.  You got the boot.  But hey at least he got your hopes up by saying yours was the best date he went on!  Misdirection FTW!
• Okay, even I'll give it up.  The chick is amazing ... if only for genuinely saying thank you to the most ridiculous compliment-while-being-dumped ever: "You're the most amazing person I've ever met."  Yeah, clearly, Jason.
• Please!  Someone at least mention the shirt/tie.  It's like the circus puked all over his chest, right?
• It's official, Stephanie the Medical Marketing Manager from Huntsville, AL, you have the best outlook on life ever.  You are ... the anti-Nikki.

Wow, next week (and by next week I mean tomorrow) is looking up.  Thank you, Naomi's crazy mom and her dead dove that is in need of a wake.

P.S. This is officially the bizarro-season.  The outtro just showed two of the girls re-enacting the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene.  There are no cat claws, the girls cheer each other on, and the girl that got the boot just left with more dignity than she came in with!  What is going on!?

The Bachelor Diaries - The Jason Edition - Episode 4

Well here I am after putting in a crap load of hours at work over the last month.  I was ready to do a marathon and get all caught up before I discovered that neither my DVR nor ABC.com has the week 3 episode available ... so we're jumping straight to week 4.

Let's start off by seeing what I missed.  I'm guessing a combination of kissing and cat claws ... hopefully not at the same time.

• Nervous Texas had a breast reduction?  I have no idea what that means.  I mean, I understand the effect of the procedure that she took.  But I don't know what that means.  Ya know?  (what I mean?)
• Woah! Natalie just said that only the big man upstairs is eligible to not be attracted to her?  Wow.  Unrelated note: have you ever heard someone say something not conceited after saying "I don't mean to sound conceited"?  No.  It's the one guarantee that you are about to hear something COMPLETELY conceited.
• Looks like Stick-Up-Her-Butt girl is maintaining the status quo.  Well done.  I can appreciate consistency.
• Beyond all that, it looks like I missed some boobie silhouettes.  Shoot.

Aaaaaaand I'm all caught up.

• So apparently we have a new tradition: the on-the-spot-song.  Great.
• What's this?  Control freak girl has trouble thinking quickly and potentially embarrassing herself?  Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking.
• By the way, Lauren saying she knows a little about making music ... you could say that (or you could let her MySpace account do the talking for you).
• Seriously, is there anything likeable about Nikki?  "That 2-on-1 date is like death."  Good times, Nikki.
• Am I the only one who laughed when Nikki said "I literally want to cry" as the started crying?  Next time, you can just start crying.  We get the picture.
• Molly was loaned some of Jason's comfy clothes ... which is apparently exactly her style.  Which style is that exactly?  Loaner clothes?  Dude clothes?  Comfy clothes?  You like comfy clothes, Molly?  A recent study revealed that 83% of people prefer clothes that are as rigid, itchy and awkward-fitting as possible.  Weirdo.
• "First girl in bachelor history to have the walk of shame."  I can appreciate owning up to that.
• Side note: why didn't Molly get her clothes before going home?  Couldn't swing by the closet on the way from the tent to the car?
• Wait. I missed out on the Tooth Nazi talking to Jason while crying and vomiting?  How did that scene not make the recap?
• Man, it would have really been something to hit Nikki with improv singing and improv acting gigs back to back.  Even though I'm looking forward to "death" on the 2-on-1 date, this would have been great too.
• I'll say it again.  Stick-up-her-butt lacrosse coach is twenty-fracking-five years old?  I can't comprehend.  Can we do some research on her Danny Almonte style?
• Oh!  Jip.  The "couple of hoo-errs" line is scripted?  I was excited to see that unfold.
• "Feels like a real Hollywood set" you say, Jason?  Probably because it is an ACTUAL Hollywood set, dude.
• Nervous Texas says "I think Naomi got to kiss Jason about 11 times in their scene and it got harder and harder and harder ..."  That's what she said ... "to watch."  Oh, you ruined it.
• Seriously, try to process this.  Nervous Texas and Stick-Up-Her-Butt are the same age.  Not possible.
• I really appreciate the cut back to the house so that Nikki can start crying about nothing.  It had been about 4 minutes.  The girl has a skill.  She can turn anything into a weepy pity party.  2-on-1 date?  Death.  11 year relationship?  Should be married with a kid by now.  Basket full of kittens?  They'll die some day.  
• Perfect response to "I only want the rose if you wanna give it to me." ... "I hear you."  I mean, you can't argue with that.  Let's go the judges: 9, 9.5, 10, 9, and an precedented 10 from the German judge.  A near-perfect score in the medal round of Question Dodging.
• Holy crap.  There's 40 minutes left in this episode?  I'm kinda glad I missed week 3.
• I actually feel bad for the Tooth Nazi.  Watching a woman totally break down ... not good times.  At least she was keen enough to realize she just got rejected.
• OMG Nikki is a downer!  I can't imagine that there's even an ounce of fun to be had with this girl.  "Get ready to dance the night away!" ... "yay."  Shoot me in the face.  And I'm just watching her on TV.  Can you imagine dating her?
• Remember, ladies, if you're looking for a dude that stays in the box, Jason is not your guy.  Don't look at me.  He said it.   Unrelated rant: the metaphorical "box" is more played out than the metaphorical "end of the day".  There is no box any more, people.  The box is gone.  No one is thinking IN the box anymore.  Hence, thinking out of the box has lost all meaning.  Just end it.
• My mind was just blown.  Apparently dancing (of all things) is a good metaphor for a relationship.  I'm having trouble following along, but apparently in both dancing and relationships ... sometimes you lead ... and sometimes ... you FOLLOW?  Huh?  I think this dance coach is some kind of transcendent mind because I'm usually pretty quick to pick up on stuff like this, but ... leading AND following?  In both dancing AND relationships?  Too clever for me.
• One thing Nikki has going for her: she can do choreographed dancing!  And all she needs is ... (wait for it) ... weeks or flipping MONTHS to prepare.  Talented AND fun loving?  I just can't get enough of this girl!
• Nikki takes a whole new angle on desperation.  She pretty much just said that Stephanie should be taken out of the running because she already had a husband.  Dead or not.  A husband is still a husband.  And once you have one, you gotsta move to the back of the line, girlfriend!  How can Jason NOT just propose to this girl right now?
• In case all my ridiculous conclusions and capital letters haven't made it obvious, re-read my last few posts out loud while applying the most sarcastic tone you could possibly imagine.  Hell, read everything in a super sarcastic tone.  It's more fun that way anyway.
• You'd think I'd be happy now that Nikki got the boot, but I'm even more angry.  "You should never ever change?"  Yes, you should.  "I loved it.  Every minute of it."  No, you didn't.  Are both of these people taking crazy pills!?
• This is unreal.  She won't stop.  "I don't know how much smarter I could get or how much prettier I could get?"  A) Yeah, he dumped you because of your lack of intelligence.  If you had just known the answer to 14-across in the Sunday crossword, you'd still be in here.  Next time, I'm sure you'll hit the vocab harder and land your true love!  B) How can you be this conceited whilst being dumped?  You don't know HOW you can get smarter?  Are you actually trying to say you have nothing left to learn?  100% unlikeable.  Nikki.
• Okay, enough with Nikki.  Back to ripping on Jason.  How is he seriously into Stephanie while also being into chicks like Lauren and Melissa?  I can't imagine more different females.
• Okay, is Jason the biggest mack (aka man-whore) that The Bachelor has ever known?  Kissing at the end of one-on-one dates used to be a big deal.  This dude makes out with each and every girl at the rose ceremony!  I can't figure out how I feel about this.
• I don't know what to say about Lauren other than ... her approach to this show is unprecedented ... Don't bother asking, just TELL the dude what to say, think, feel and do.  It's bizarre.  Again, I don't know how to react.
• Harrison!  Where ya been all episode, buddy?  Maybe your presence could have saved me from spending 90% of this blog ripping on a girl I don't even know.  
• "Ladies, Jason, in case you have the short term memory of the guy from Memento, in the last 90 seconds, you handed out 2 of the 3 roses you have to hand out ... so this is your last one.  3 minus 2 equals 1.  Got it?  Awesome."
• How about this ... Jason takes a page from Big Swayze's book and rejects them all  I'll admit it.  I didn't see it coming.
• All of their departures were unremarkable ... which I guess is remarkable since the Tooth Nazi was primed for a freak out for sure.

Next week, Jason wears the worst tie/shirt combo in Bachelor history.  Yet ANOTHER page stolen from Big Swayze.  How dare he.