The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 3

It's worth mentioning that the primary advertiser if you watch The Bachelor on ABC.com is Dr. Scholl's Custom Fit Orthotic Inserts. Are there a lot of guys and gals with flat feet that LOVE manufactured love and psychology-experiment-driven drama? Marketing continues to amaze me.

• Tonight on The Bachelor - more movie making fun. How jealous is Jake Pavelka right now?
• Also worth mentioning that Ando has been doing his research and makes a decent case for Hot Mom being a plant.
• Don't miss Hot Mom's blockbuster movie out soon! Featuring the worst tag line ever: "With Love, There Are Always Second Chances." Also in the running were "With Cheeseburgers, There Are Always Second Chances" and "With Death, There Are Always Second Chances."
• And REALLY don't miss her Twitter picture.
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• Ashley gets the first date this week and the honor of trying to look comfortable in the convertible whilst her hair flies absolutely everywhere.
• What's great about having to not only sing on the most pressure-filled date of your life is that you have to do it IN FRONT of a bunch of random MUSIC ENGINEERS and the song they chose for you is insanely difficult to sing ... AND they're going to bring in the actual singer to rub it in your face later.
• AND they both have shit for rhythm.
• Fun fact about Seal: he loves Aspen and visits often. I look forward to murdering Kiss From a Rose for him at Karaoke some day soon.
• Another fun fact: Ashley was ten when Kiss From a Rose came out. Ten! Ten years OLD!
• Date card says "Love Hurts." I'm guessing you're going to be taking turns kicking each other in the crotch. Or laying on beds of nails. Or maybe it was just a dumb cliche that the producers continue feel compelled to use and has nothing to do with pain at all.
• Group date time. The fun thing about episode 3 is you still swear this is your first time seeing some of these ladies. Sarah P ... did they sneak you into the show just for this scene?
• "Steven Ho: Action Director" ... I'm using that title at the next random party I'm at.
• Also, the fake camera cross hairs and timing clock are adding NOTHING to these scenes. What's even better is I guarantee that had to put this crap back in in post.
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• Someone please shut Hot Mom up. We get it. You don't like group dates. Stop explaining it in ridiculously stupid and timely ways.
• Did they just do a SECOND confessional where Michelle described fireworks during her and Swayze's first kiss? F this show. And Hot Mom.
• Chantal O's daddy confession paired with Ashley's ... was there a question on The Bachelor app that explicitly asked "How long has it been since you've seen your real father?" and they only accepted answers that were 5 years or greater?
• The make out session after the daddy confession is a strong move ... by Brad and Chantel both.
• Speaking of confessionals, it's time for Emily to send me straight to hell. Honestly I'm surprised I'm still typing right now.
• Okay really strike me down now. This is the saddest story ever. I need to go listen to "I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't" to cheer up.
• Shawntel the dark horse is my new girl. I'm pulling for you, young lady.
• If I were to name someone Chantal, I think I'd go with ... Shantall? Chauwntehlle? Schwaun'taull? I think every girl in the country could be named Psh'e'ntoh'll and we could never have a repeat spelling.
• Holy crap, there's a typo in their shitty fake movie poster.
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• Time for Emily's date and the first thing Brad does is put her on a plane. Maybe I'll have a partner on my way to my eternity of burning.
• Actually that was the second thing Brad did. The first and third things he did were mess up Emily's hair thoroughly via two convertible rides. He hates well sculpted hair.
• Meanwhile, Vampire is having a bad day. But hey at least her skin isn't smoking while sitting out by the pool. It's also not shining like diamonds. Lesson learned: Twilight and True Blood are full of s.
• Wow Emily is down to earth and likeable. Really wow. Super crazy wow.
• And the other girls really are right about her likeness.
• My take away from Brad's shrink session: "Bingo." Wise words, sir. Wise words.
• More insanely wise words ... this time from Brad: "I'm gonna use tonight's cocktail party ... to talk to these ladies." You know what Brad is? He's an innovator.
• Chantal wears way too much make up. Not to be confused with Shawntel ... who is still my dark horse and has perfected the art of make up ... relatively.
• My dislike for Michelle has been upgraded to ... severe.
• I don't remember any convos like Vampire's and Ashley H's in previous seasons ... where both parties basically agree to not give/receive roses later. Bizarre.
• Hey Britt! Look at you. Your face made it onto this episode! Awesome.
• Hmmm, the rose ceremony is starting and there are 2 breaks left. Prepare for drama.
• And go. Vampire takes her exit. Back to modeling and odd dental choices I guess?
• Now ABC.com is showing commercials for The Bachelor ... during The Bachelor. Maybe they read my snark about the Dr. Scholl's ads?
• PS it seems pretty damn likely that Brad's possible final hug of the show is with Emily ... based on the fact that she's the only Barbie-haired girl left.
• Someone named Lindsey just got a rose. I love episode 3.
• Horrible Shoes again! Big Swayze is killing me.

Next episode, Dr. Drew and my boy Psycho Mike in the hizzzzzy! So stoked. And Ashley H attempts her best stalker Hot Mom routine. Jiggins.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 2

2 episodes in one night. I'm on a Brad Bender. A Swayze Streak. A Harrison Happenstance. Shoulda stopped at 2? I agree. I'm open to other better alliteration injected synonyms for streak.

• I think Harrison was wearing acid washed jeans. Or maybe his jeans' parents were acid washed jeans.
• This is the look of a girl that isn't going on the one on one date ... and a possible murderer-to-be. Ashley on Ashley crime is becoming a real problem in this country.
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• I like that Brad felt the need to point out "we're at a carnival" after turning on the lights. Until then, I was pretty certain it was a library.
• In addition to learning a lot about himself in the last 3 years, Brad also learned a lot about not wearing horrible suits and ties. That's real growth right there, ladies.
• I'm excited to watch Hot Mom slowly melt down over the course of 3 or 4 episodes. It'll be like Natalie Portman in Black Swan. Except without all the violent nail clipping scenes.
• "One thing you should know about me is that I can't have a conversation without tilting my head to one side." -Ashley
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• Tonight on The Bachelor: the most dramatic, crescendo-filled ferris wheel kiss ever.
• Alli's title is "Apparel Merchant"? That means she works at Forever 21 or Hot Topic, right?
• Melissa has already mentioned quitting her job twice on this episode alone. Her eventual demise might be on the level of Hillary.
• Wow, Hot Mom, your 30th birthday kinda sucked compared to mine.
• Thank God for the cat sound effects when the girls were slapping each other. Otherwise I would have had no idea these 2 ladies were in a cat fight.
• I kind of like Britt. "I'm a big ol' prude - ehahaha."
• So Michelle stomps off and Brad says "If there's a problem, I'm going to address it. Check out the hook while my DJ assesses it." Or at least he said the first part.
• Meltdown #1: The Melissa Chronicles has begun. "You're acting like a 21-year-old!!" "I am seriously a 32-year-old talking to a 21-year-old right now!"
• Aaaaaand Meltdown #2: Hot Mom Hot Mess has also begun.
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• Jackie actually kinda makes me feel like I'm talking to a 21 year old ... or a 13 year old. Seriously she's still in Junior High, right?
• Oh no. The Hollywood Bowl. What sad sap of a performer is going to awkwardly perform for them? I hope it's Bieber ... or Miley Cyrus ... for Jackie's sake. Kids these days.
• Ugh, it's Train ... and not the cool Train from the One and a Half days. Would it kill them to play Sweet Rain?
• "The first night, let's face it. It was a little awkward." Big Swayze speaks the truth, people.
• I think Melissa and Raichel need to bone and get this over with. And maybe get into a hot wax fight after ... or during.
• Wait a minute. Horrible Shoes is still in the running? Come on, Brad.
• Seriously how are both Melissa and Raichel crying? You can't both be the victim, right?
• Speaking of victims, Ali and Roberto! Someone take a picture of Roberto before he starts sweating. And get a snap of Ali before she changes into something yellow!
• Congratulations to Sarah for getting a rose on the 2nd episode while somehow simultaneously making her first appearance of the season!
• I don't know why, but I'm pulling for Raichel. Team Man-scaper!
• PS I think Chantel N. is a real dark horse for going far this season.
• Horrible Shoes makes it to episode 3? Come ON, Brad!
• Yay, Britt! Boo, Raichel and Melissa! Just like paper beats rock, prude beats drama.
• Melissa, if you say "target" one more time, I'm going to make you talk to a 21 year-old.

Next week, more fun with movie making! And something short of fun with music making. Save us, Seal! And my one-way ticket to Hell gets triple-stamped as Emily tells us more about her husband. Awesome.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 1

Well, better late than never, right? I don't know how I kept myself away from my favorite bachelor ever for this long ... there must be something in the air up here in Aspen.

Y'all know that Brad = Big Swayze, right? Just making sure.

Onto the ep ...

• Let's get our recap on! How did Harrison avoid hyperbole when mentioning the end of Swayze's last season? "One of the most controversial finales in Bachelor history?" One of them? We're off to a rocky start, Chris.
• Swayze has lost some weight, yeah? Not as Big Swayze? Slightly Smaller Swayze? Three Quarter Swayze?
• We're one break in and I've had enough of Brad with his shirt off to last me all season.
• So far so good, Brad. Your first choice is a dentist that spends her time talking to statues in the park. Status of Ben Franklin no less.
• AND she likes to have fun. Shocking!
• Chantal O? More like Shakey O. Heyoooooooooo! (Rhymes with shakey o.)
• So wait ... Madison is a real vampire? How is this not a bigger story?
• Emily's husband was a race car driver named Ricky? C'mon now. Don't make me say it.
• As if Brad and Harrison's interview wasn't already awkward enough, here come Jenni (aka the over laugher) and DeAnna (Nugs, Jesse. Blow it up.)
• Chris' interview skills remain top notch: "DeAnna, what was the worst part about that final episode of The Bachelor?" The man sleeps and breathes awkwardness.
• "Walls" count is at 3 ... in this segment alone.
• Listening to DeAnna and Jenni, my support of Brad's double dumping is stronger than it ever was before. Dis. Like.
• Chantal opens the season with an impromptu slap? No way that s was a) real or b) unprovoked by the producers or c) amped up in post.
• Meghan, your shoes are the worst thing I've ever seen. And I know the definition of hyperbole. And I'm a guy.
• Ugh, I dislike the vampire more than Meghan's shoes ... maybe.
• I can already barely watch Big Swayze and his insane nervous sandwich ... and then Jackie requests a pinky swear. And Brad grants her request.
• When what's-her-name rolled down the window and "beckoned" Brad over, I wondered how no other girl had done that before. Then I realized how lame it is.
• Is it possible J (the birthday girl) is a normal, cool, non-weird, non-nervous chick?
• Keltie's teeth weird me out. And she's on the season with the vampire.
• Strapless dress adjustment count during Brad's opening speech: 3.
• Brad ends his speech with the phrase "Collective Toast." Aren't they playing night 2 at Coachella?
• If this "have you changed" montage is any indication, I'm not surprised that the first bachelor/bachelorette nights typically approach sunrise before they're done. Brad hasn't said "walls" in long time though so he's got that going for him.
• Ashley S drops about 1.5 "like's" per sentence.
• "2 weird things about me. 1) I'm a 'man-scaper' and 2) there's an 'i' in my name." -Raichel
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• Jackie, no. No singing, Jackie. No. Not. Nil. No.
• Another thing I can't believe hasn't happened in the previous 14 seasons ... the "Can I steal you?" show down. Well played, Alli, Renee and that other girl.
• "It's better to be home alone than to be home and wish you were alone." I think Emily just said something actually a little profound. No way she learned that from Ricky Bobby.
• This is why they re-cast Brad: "the girl has fangs."
• Chris just rang the wine glass buzzer. Not looking good for my girl, J.
• I think Michelle aka Hot Mom aka "I'm a woman, not a little girl" is going a long way on this show.
• "The girl has fangs" and a rose ... and just bit Swayze. I'm confused more than anything.
• The man-scaper, Brad? Really?
• Keltie gets a rose too? Brad has a thing for weird teeth - both vampire and normal human.
• "Brad. Ladies. The majority of you have admitted to watching the show and Brad's already been on the damn show before. It's never been more apparent that you all know what I'm about to say ... so really what's the point?"
• Shakey O gets the final rose. Lesson learned: slapping pays, ladies!!
• Oh, J. I knew so little of you. Not even an exit interview. May you live on in normal, non-weirdness in my mind.

The best 3 words in television ... "this season on." The first season ever with no helicopter rides!! Just kidding. I counted at least 3. PS my prediction about Hot Mom is looking good ... black eye and all. And it looks like we learn that vampires don't actually cry tears of blood. Finally the truth! And Seal! Seal caps off "the most controversial season of The Bachelor ever." We're back, baby.

The Mad Men Problem

I get it. Mad Men is a wonderful program. Draper, Campbell and crew have really outdone themselves. Peggy represents all working women. Sterling is as charming as a cheating SOB can be and Cooper is everyone's favorite super rich weirdo.

Here's the issue: Mad Men is interfering with my enjoyment of other shows.

This is not an issue of "I just can't watch the Jersey Shore any more because it just doesn't stack up against Mad Men." I think it's clear that The Shore and Mad Men are two entirely different animals. If Mad Men is a graceful swan, then The Shore is a disgusting pig that gets shit-faced every night and probably has a couple diseases that it tries to keep under wraps. But there's a time for swans and a time for diseased pigs ... as far as TV shows go.

The issue is that most of my favorite podcasts can't stop f'ing talking about Mad Men. I'm talking to you, Nerdist, Daves of Thunder, Bill Simmons and even Kevin & Bean from time to time. I've skipped near entire podcast episodes from Simmons and I've outright stopped listening to Daves of Thunder due to the never-ending Mad Men "spoiler alerts." Is the show so good that these entertainers can't bother to come up with their own material for the 'casts? I'd like to listen to your shows ... but I can't because you won't shut up with the spoiler alerts.

I'd like to enjoy the show I'm enjoying ... while I'm actually enjoying THAT show. Not some other show. This doesn't seem like a ridiculous request to me.

I don't know who to blame so I'm blaming everyone. Suck it, Mad Men. And suck it, all you entertainers that have to leech off Mad Men's popularity.

No One Doesn't Love To Have Fun

Another phrase we can all agree to stop saying: "He just loves to have fun." This is a phrase I've often heard people use to describe others and it drives me crazy. At the end of the day (winky frowny face), this may be the most redundant sentence ever. I can actually use science to prove this. Enter proof by contradiction.

Let's imagine for a second that someone hates having fun. In such a case, they would seek out activities that most of us consider not fun: root canals, filing taxes, watching The Tyra Banks Show. So our subject wakes up one day, picks out his desired activities and then jumps into the dentist chair, flips Tyra on the tube and goes to town. In doing so, he's doing what he wants to do and enjoying himself. Ergo, having fun. Unless someone is doing something someone else has forced them to do at all times, they have to choose something to do ... and no one's going to choose something to do that they hate ... and in the process you'll be having fun.

I think we can now officially strike "likes to have fun" from our collective lexicon. It's science.

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Roberto Chris Drama - The Finale

Somehow I've done it. I've gone an entire week without knowing what happens on the finale. And I heard this shiz had 12 million viewers? Is that for real? People are actually watching this show to find out what happens and not just laugh at Roberto's out of control sweating? Huh. Who knew.

• So far so good. I have nothing to say after Roberto's entire montage.
• And the same for Chris' montage. It's gonna be a long night. Or a short night. Depending on how you look at it.
• I guess I can't complain about the ab / chest focused establishing shots of Ali in her multiple bikinis.
• Well if anything, the room that Ali's family got should have them buttered up at least a little bit. Holy shit.
• Ali doesn't know the name of the Tampa Bay MLB team? "The Tampa Blue Rays?"
• Wait a minute. Ali and Raya are related? Has the adoption question been asked by one of them.
• Okay. Ali's mom speaking speaking Spanish ... How do you say "I am cringing" in Spanish?
• When you ask for dad's blessing, what you're really hoping to hear is "I don't have a problem with that." That's pretty much the ideal non-negative but certainly not overly positive result.
• In case you've forgotten, Roberto can salsa dance. He can also play baseball, speak Spanish and sweat profusely. That much we know for sure.
• Onto Chris' date ... a little bit breezier, but Dad's poker face remains strong. Looking forward to his response to Chris' question. Will he downgrade to "That wouldn't be the worst thing in the world" or possibly upgrade to "I would not hate it if you married my daughter."
• Ali looks a lot like her mom. A lot.
• Apparently the idea of french toast for dinner is drop dead hilarious in the Ali househould. Really way too much laughing at that concept.
• So Ali's brother ... or brother in law? I can't tell cuz I don't think he's said a word yet.
• Also I really hope that 85% of their conversations revolve around the room they have. They are actually staying in this room. That crap is crazy!
• Quote of the night from Ali's dad so far: "It is huge." No context needed.
• EXACT same response for Chris: "I would have no problem with that." Ali's dad = poker face.
• You know what's more fun than salsa dancing? Swimming off the end of the crazy room they have. Advantage Chris.
• Time for some straight talk from Poker Face. Advantage Roberto. Hands down according to Dad. Wild.
• And Raya straight talks entirely in favor of Chris. Looks like it's gonna be a grudge match all the way to the end. Or at least that's what the producers would like you to think. One or the other.
• Ali just said this and I've always had an issue with anyone who says "likes to have fun." Is there anything that needs to be said less? Are there people out there that DON'T like having fun? Assuming you're into not having fun, wouldn't you then like that and in essence be having fun? Logically speaking, I think not liking to have fun is literally impossible. Oh and Ali and Roberto hung out with sting rays.
• The Roberto night time date hasn't even started and he is sweating like mad. Are there no fans at this Hilton?
• I got you a present. Looks like it's a picture in a frame at first, but it's actually got a second use.
• Well at the end of the Roberto date, it's hard to say anything other than "Advantage Roberto."
• The Chris date is starting and I have to ask ... is something happening right now? What's with the sit down, Ali?
• Oh boy, Ali's at a loss for words. Not good, Chris. Not good.
• This is the most high profile "we're better off as friends" speech ever. Brutal.
• Could she at least mope or cry? She cried her eyes out with Frank and now nothing for Chris? Pretty weak sauce there, Ali.
• I guess props to Ali ... sorta. At least Chris doesn't have to get on one knee and then get pulled up by his hands. That's always the worst.
• So now the real grudge match begins. Chris vs. Kirk vs. Craig R for the next Bachelor.
• Little double rainbow all the way for Chris. Now he feels better. Good. I like Chris.
• One advantage to this change in format: no ring choosing montage. Cuz that's not total BS every time.
• Didn't Roberto get the first impression rose? And now he's got it all wrapped up? What are the chances?
• Son of B! Spoke too soon. Stupid ring montage begins now.
• Did that mother f'er finally tighten his tie!? F you, Roberto. What are the odds he tightens his tie at the wedding? Answer: slim cuz the wedding likely won't happen. It's just a matter of odds, people. The winners bracket: Trista and Ryan. The losers bracket: every other Bachelor/Bachelorette couple ever. Good luck, Ali and Roberto.
• They really shouldn't have made Roberto travel so far after getting dressed up. He spent most of the walk up the stairs wiping sweat from his brow.
• Wow he is really really sweating ... a lot. Brow sweat has moved onto lip sweat. Honestly how hot can it be? It looks like there's cloud cover.
• Nice job with the product spot on the ring box there, Neil Lane.
• Music montage courtesy of the Lion King soundtrack? I miss "On The Wings Of Love" immediately.
• Well it's all down hill from here. I doubt you can afford The Hilton Bora Bora on a minor league baseball salary. Congratulations to the happy couple ... for at least the next 4 months or so!

Well it's been real. It's been fun. It hasn't been real fun. Another finale that doesn't outdo the Big Swayze finale. But things are looking up. Bachelor Pad tomorrow, yow!!

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Drama Tellin' All

Big night here for the blog. We got Dave and Lubs on board for the double feature starting with the guys tell everything they've ever had to tell in their lives about this show and everything else. Or ... The Men Tell All.

• Let's start with a crazy loud song that kinda reminded me of The Shout Out Louds
• Dude in the audience count: 0 so far.
• Ali starts the night off with a black sparkly dress. Silver sparkly dress yet to come.
• How did I forget about Bubble's line: "It's just my heart ... jump in. Stay a while."
• This interview is actually kind of redeeming for Ali. She actually seems like she had a decent handle on what was going on during the season. I like that she kept Bubble along as long as she did all the while kinda knowing he was crazy.
• Blooper reel! Roberto nearly blinds Ali when he pops his cork ... yowza.
• Is Ali wearing a giant watch ... or just some sort of bracelet that looks like a watch?
• Fair to say that the range of Ali's jokes when it comes to astronauts begins and ends with ... Houston, come in.
• Chris H had his own internal nickname? And it was Phantom? No wonder we never ever saw him speak. Come to think of it, is he even eligible for this show seeing as how he can't talk?
• Derrick, 2 questions. 1) Who are you? and 2) pew pew pew pew pew right back at you, dude.
• I like that Harrison openly pretty much just said "Frank's not here, but we're gonna talk all kinds of shit about him anyone."
• Weatherman, the leather jacket ... not working, man.
• If I was Harrison, I'd prefer to be surrounded by about 18 more candles than are already there.
• All this "let me finish" talk during their confrontation of The Weatherman is giving me wonderful flashbacks to Jake and Vienna's swan song. I'd mail The Weatherman $100 right now if he said "again with the interruption ..."
• Okay, I skipped it the first time, but I can't let it go twice. Phantom has said the phrase "self promote himself" multiple times now. Does his newness to talking make him not understand that there's no one else you can self promote other than yourself?
• The dudes are sticking up for Frank? Break up or no break up, I stand by the idea that Frank sucks.
• The "guard and protect your heart" count or the GAPYHC on this episode alone is already well past double digits.
• Bubble's singing makes me physically have to turn away from the television. I literally cannot watch it.
• Ali's dismissal of Bubble might be my favorite vote off ever. The sigh and "I'm gonna give Justin the rose" ... it just says so much. It wasn't "Justin, will you accept this rose?" It was "Bubble, I can no longer handle your crazy and I have no choice but to give this rose to the other dude."
• Oh! I spotted a due in the audience. I think he's accompanying his daughter. He's wearing a sweater vest.
• Kirk, thank you. Thank you for not liking Frank. We should start a club or something.
• Most disinterested person on the entire set: the wilderness guy from the first episode that did the fishing thing who has got absolutely zero play tonight.
• Well hey, Jessie. Why do I have no recollection of you from your original season? And what is this "social networking" site you're on?
• Wow, Craig R loves that Rated Inj has no car. Loves it.
• Audience dude #2 sited. He also appears to be quite old and probably being dragged along to this event.
• 3rd audience dude sited and he is f'ing PUMPED about Ali coming up after the break. I hope he had to answer for that at work the next week.
• Yay, Ali's here and she's super sparkly yet again. Woo ... pee.
• Her hair looks like a bird's nest.
• Didn't Bubble say he's not a singer. I am again forced to physically look away from the television.
• Bloops! Wow, these guys weren't all drama all day after all. Except for the jokes about the barking dogs. Those were not funny at all.
• Dave, Lubs and I just spent the majority of the Roberto/Chris montage discussing the possibilities of how/if/when/whether Ali's had relations with these dudes. This element of the final 3 or 4 weeks HAS to play in more to the big picture of the actual relationships that these pairs are forming than ABC lets them talk about, right? I mean the thought of the other dude has to pop into the other dude's mind at some point during those dates, right?
• Bachelor Pad. Seriously. Seriously. Initial thoughts: Tenley is not cut out for this show. What's her name does NOT look better as a blonde. And I haven't heard Gia's horrible laugh yet so I've again been tricked into being attracted to her.

Somehow the finale still hasn't been spoiled for me so we'll see you for the finale live blog shortly. From the real bachelor pad ... out.