The Bachelor Diaries, London Calling, Week 7

Ok, I'm fresh off the houseboat trip (pictures coming soon) and I'm still sporting the mustache from the challenge (more pictures coming soon), but let's delay sleep for a bit and get into this oddly-timed 52 minute episode.

Oh and I should probably mention that this is a now recurring segment (renewed for a 2nd season!) where I watch the glory that is the ABC reality show The Bachelor and then record my snarky comments about the episode onto this here blog thingy. That's all there is to it. With that said ...

• Can't believe we lost Noelle. Just as she hit her apex. Oh well.
• Ah, yes, I forgot, Barbaydawsssss.
  
• Hey Matt, you, uh, you got something on your pants there, dude. It seems to be the ocean.
  
• Shayne, uh, that's a swimsuit all right. Wow.
• Oh and for the record, kids, I do not endorse riding wave runners at such close proximity. That's a ticket on Lake Powell. 50 yards, people!
• Lamas can do the splits. Great. Moving on.
  
• And now for the question that did not need to be asked by anyone ever ... "Do they have palm trees in London?" No, Lamas. No.
• Lamas puts on a gold, poofier and longer version of her swimsuit for dinner. It also has a metal loop or a buckle or something.
• I'm honestly a little fascinated by the information Lamas is bestowing on all of us about stage kissing. You just fake the tongue by opening your mouth? Consider my mind blown.
• Is Robin back on this show? Lamas just said "if you know me, you know me." Accent on the second "me".
  
• If I'm being honest (trademark Simon Cowell and Matt Rosy Reds), I'm kinda into the whole Lamas thing right now. She's being kinda funny and then she transitioned into a little serious talk time.
  
• Oh! Well, what's this!? What's that you say, Matt? Chris Harrison has given you something? Well, open that $#*% up and let's get to the bottom of this mystery right now! Seriously, Matt, one thing that Big Swayze did that you could handle skipping ... is pretending like the format of the show isn't pre-determined.
• Let's give props to the fact that even Harrison's written material hasn't changed in years just like his spoken material. "If you choose to forego your individual rooms--" Woah, woah, woah! I'm gonna stop you right there, Chris and I'm gonna go ahead and choose to forego my individual room, thanks.
  
• Just noticed Lamas' peace sign neclace. I'm gonna say nah, Lamas. Nah.
  
• Based on the previews of the next 2 dates and thinking about Lamas being the 1st draft pick two weeks in a row now, Lamas is the crazy front runner at this point.
• Little break for some commercial commentary. Made of Honor. My Best Friend's Wedding. Same movie with the gender roles reversed, no? Let's check the synopses on IMDB: Made and Best Friend's. Same movie by me.
  
• Meeps wears a slightly less revealing outfit than Lamas.
  
• "There's something very sexy about conquering our fear of heights together." Really, Matt? Really?
  
• Kudos to the ABC music supervisor for drumming up a tune that sounds eerily similar, but not exactly the same as the music from the lobby scene in the first Matrix movie.
• I don't think Matt calling Meeps "honey" is a good sign for Meeps. You better jump on a trampoline and rock some splits, girl!
• "I think the sexiest part of dating is when you can sit and look up at the stars and have a real conversation," says Meeps. Sexy for Rosy Reds = conquering heights. Sexy for Meeps = real conversation. Maybe these two are meant to be.
• I honestly forgot her name was Amanda until just now when she said "Amanda, stop!" in reference to when she finds herself saying "dumb" things and not expressing her emotions.
• I also forgot that she got the first first impression rose. I should make a note to do a mid-season review of the Week 1 blog next season. Contrast and compare, ya know?
• "... Please use this key to stay as a couple in our fantasy suite and bone like there's no tomorrow." Just making sure you're paying attention.
• We're looking at some serious make out time for these two here. Get in there, you crazy kids.
• Oh, and now, thanks to Lamas, I'm trying to discern if they're stage kissing or if tongues are actually escaping their mouths. Gross.
  
• Look, I'll say it. Matt walks weird. That's all there is to it.
• "Captain Chris" is taking Chelsea and Matt on the boat. Tell me it's Harrison. Dang. Must not be.
• Tell me some more fun geological facts about Barbaydawsssss, Chelsea. Captain Awkward has arrived!
• So, a la Seinfeld, Matt just did the biggest face touch I've ever seen while discussing the date. In other words, "I gotta get out!" If Chelsea isn't gone at the end of this, Matt is as confusing as any bachelor ever.
• Tell me they don't even bother with Chelsea at the ceremony and they sub in that turtle. Just imagine it for a second. Matt walking and standing weird. Lamas. Meeps. Pan down to a sea turtle. Glancing around all nervous. Just give it a second. It's funny. Especially if you imagine the turtle approaching Matt to receive a rose.
• One thing Chels has on her competition. She knows how to rock the cleav.
  
• I'll give Matt some props for openly talking about his frustration with his awesome date with the turtle.
  
• Let's just say it. Chelsea is really good at expressing herself. Wait, is that what I meant to say?
• Hey Matt, I'm confused. That card you've got there ... is it from Chris Harrison? I can't handle all these curve balls, dude.
  
• Chelsea's about to take a moment to get Matt a surprise. I could not be hoping more for Chelsea to leave and come back with the turtle.
• Woah! I mean. Woah! Chelsea! Woah! Check out my booty shorts, she says. Check out my naked back, she says. Check me out going full on COMMANDO, she says. Woah! This is the most dramatic turn around after a commercial ever. Think about the turtle segment before the commercial and where we are now after the commercial. Pretty impressive turn around, Chels.
  
• Hey Matt, Jeff Probst called. He wants his shirt back. Yeah, I went there.
• 3 weeks in a row! Lamas. First draft pick. This show is over!
• Chelsea gets the rose. Dang, Meeps. Guess you should've skipped the stage kissing. Either that or taken some time to let it be known that you are into full on commando.
• Yes! Meeps called Matt a douche bag (ear muffs, kids) to his face! This girl rules. She punks him and then drops a d-bag on him. That's how you leave the show, everyone.
• By the way, they bleeped the word "douche bag". Huh.
• F Rosy Reds, Meeps. You're cooler than him and his weird walk.
• Here we are again, everyone. The most awkward toast ever. Bachelor and the final two. Good times.
• Oh and for the record, I bet Chelsea sealed the deal and Lamas and Meeps did not. I got some inside info from the turtle. Thoughts, faithful readers?
  
• Who else missed Harrison? No play at all this episode.
• Oh and remind me not to invest in the company that makes "The Iceberg" floaty rock wall thingy.

Next 2 weeks bring the reunion and the finale where Matt drops the L-word and the proposal. There will be no Swayze badassedness this season. Dang.

And finally, shamelessly, click on any of these little links below if you're so inclined. It'll maybe get a few new readers to the bloggy here. Onwards and upwards, ya know?

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