Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The Bachelor Diaries, London Calling, Week 5

Sorry for the delay ... Busy day yesterday with some computer troubles. ANYWAY (copyright Chuck Klosterman), just to make sure we're all on the same page ... I should probably mention that this is a now recurring segment (renewed for a 2nd season!) where I watch the glory that is the ABC reality show The Bachelor and then record my snarky comments about the episode onto this here blog thingy. That's all there is to it. With that said ...

I remember the preview of this episode now. I think we get what Dave and I now refer to as a "clap fight" in this episode. I'll explain later. Let's get to it.
  • Ah, yes, another sleepy meeting with casually dressed Chris Harrison.
  • Wow, they woke up fast at the idea of Sun Valley. Wait, Lamas already has an f'ing jacket? She's crazy, but I think I've decided I really like her. She actually acts like a 22 year old. Which she is. And so is Robin. See the difference?
  • Matt drops maybe the first "amazing" of the season. Maybe he's coming into his bachelordom finally?
  • Oh no! No! Spontaneous snowball fight! No! Oh this is just too much! Don't throw Noelle in the snow! Oh, no, she's doused. She's doused and covered and doused in snow! Look out, Marshana, you're going to be doused! Oh, you weren't fast enough! Oh that is just so much snow! These Brits and just crazy! Wait, no they're not.
  • Is Marshana's cute routine for real? "Actually it was quite sexy because I do like being close to him." Did she mean to say that?
  • You know what sucks? So many of our characters from this season are gone. I'm not gonna say I miss Ashleelee, but I really do miss Stevie Nicks. She would have been doused in snow and DRUNK. And I would have loved it.
  • Onto the one on one date with Chelsea, "I'm sorry I believe I ordered a LARGE cappuccino. Campbell's Cup-o-ccino." Mike Myers, anyone? No?
  • If Chelsea were to define herself via human touching, apparently it's "the arm link, that's me." Hand holding is out of the question.
  • In case you missed it, Marshanna said "Ah-tollllljyooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" when the "hit the slopes" group date was announced. Yikes.
  • Is Matt auditioning for skinny Santa? Calm those rosy cheeks down, bro.
  • Chelsea says "you put me in a romantic situation, I'll embrace it." I think she meant to say "I'll link arms with it."
  • The first self-made fantasy suite card in Bachelor history. What's next? The girls announcing the final rose in unison with Harrison? Actually, that would rule. Let's do that.
  • 3 skiers, 2 snowboarders. Keep it spicy, kids.
  • Marshana's never been skiing before. Let's just say I'm not surprised. Also, Matt, it's not "snow plow" any more, dude. It's "pizza" and "french fries" and as we all know, if you french fry when you want to pizza, you're gonna have a bad time. Too much french fry, Marshana.
  • Lamas can snowboard. I really am coming around on this girl. Although, that is some seriously pink lipstick, girl.
  • So Lamas asks of Robin ... "You wanna be known as the one that always interrupts the dates?" I really think that's EXACTLY what Robin wants.
  • Little Brit-ism for everyone ... Matt says "one to one date", not "one on one date". Although that brings up an interesting question about that George Michael song "I Want Your Sex". Doesn't he say "sex is best when it's one on one"? Isn't he Brittish? Is sex NOT best when it's "one TO one"? What's that you say? Couldn't have brought up a more random tangent? Agreed. What do you want me to do though? Robin and Matt are going on and on about family.
  • There's a theme to this episode ... uncoordinated females! Noelle is not much of an ice skater. Wait, was she sand bagging? She's really movin' all of a sudden. Dump her, Matt! She's gonna hustle you, ice skating style!
  • Okay, so this massive fight started with Robin saying "uh, hey Marshana, you kinda sorta haven't seen how he lives, right? I mean, this isn't exactly normal day to day stuff here. Cameras and all and pre-planned dates. Right?" Marshana: "NO! I played rugby! I swam! I KNOW how Matt lives! You will NOT misquote me! I will not have it. I will not have it. I will not have it. I will not have it. I will not have it. I will not have it. I will not have it. I will not have it. I will not have it."
  • Okay, the claps are coming out. Clap fight time. The clap fight, as far as I can tell is a big up and coming trend in reality TV. And here's how it works. Let's say you're on a reality show. Doesn't matter what show it is, one rule across the board is, you can't hit anyone else on the show. So, if you get in a confrontation with someone and you sorta kinda want to intimidate them, what you do is you clap your hands sort of aggressively in their general direction. Sound ridiculous? It is! Which is why it's awesome. Check out this minute of footage for some of the best clap fighting ever. Jameka and Dick from Big Bro 8 knew how to do it.
  • Matt says he has "a lot" of feelings for Noelle? Are these good feelings? Bad ones? Or is it just a mish-mash of feelings: happy, sad, angry, hungry, flustered, sneezy.
  • Harrison bails on his game again by saying "most dramatic rose ceremony YET" instead of "ever." I think that settles it. Even ABC has conceded that the Hillary rose ceremony is the king of all ceremonies.
  • Did Noelle and Matt kiss? I really wasn't paying attention and don't seem to care.
  • Marshana is a weird conversationalist. She randomly shifts from seemingly laid back, sorta nice girl to full-on-pageant-queen i-have-a-big-vocabulary-girl to i'm vulnerable and cute mode to "I have the absolute right to defend myself" girl. I would have no idea how to handle her swings during a convo with her.
  • In other news, Chelsea really goes for the, uh, open mouth kiss. Yowza. I guess she's trying to make up for her arm linking intimacy issues er somethin'.
  • I just found myself my new MySpace quote: "Call it what you will, honey, but I sleep ... EVERY night. And I'll drink to that." Thanks, Marshana. Also worth noting, this may be the first thing Marshana and I have in common. I too sleep every night Marshana. Maybe we could get along after all.
  • As if the quote wasn't random enough, it seems the quote was a direct response to Robin saying "Well, I guess your logic is impenetrable." Firstly, nice choice of words. Secondly, Marshana is now officially nuts. "This girl's going to sarcastically imply that I'm illogical? Oh yeah? Well, I'll have you know that I sleep EVERY night. Suck on that, Robin."
  • Holy crap, please please please pick Lamas. Cuz then we get to meet Lorenzo next week. And maybe Lorenzo will bring out the laser pointer and point it at Matt's crazy cheeks.
  • Matt, also, I don't know if you're ready, but if you pick Lamas, her 17 year old sister is gonna make you fall in love with ... her. Not so much Lamas herself, but Lamas' 17 year lobbyist sibling. Some strong words about love and caring from Shayne's sister is what you'll be getting ... but only if you pick Lamas. So pick her.
  • Anyone else notice the two-handed handshake Matt laid on Harrison? Made me a little uncomfortable.
  • Shocker: Matt finds family important. Great speech, Matt. Really.
  • Jackpot, we will have Lorenzo on the Bachelor next week.
  • No meeps from Meeps this week. How disappointing.
  • Woah. Marshana drops one of the most pained faces I've ever seen during the ceremony. With all that sleep, you figure she could perk up a bit.
  • Meeps snags the final rose and look out for the wraith of Robin. That 22-year old is gonna kill someone. I'd run out of that room, too, Chris.
  • Marshana goes out in some kind of impressive fashion as she does the awkward Tom Cruise / Oprah two-hand clench instead of a hug, then slips on her way out of the room, and then reminds everyone how she took an elbow to the face for Matt.
  • Robin, on the other hand, switches to French and goes for the one-hand hand shake. And then killed a bunch of squirrels with her eyes outside. She's evil.
Seriously, I couldn't be more excited for Lorenzo. What else do we need? Apparently we need Meeps' Mom fondling Matt's nipple. Wow.

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