Monday, April 21, 2008

The Bachelor Diaries, London Calling, Week 6

I'm back on schedule. On schedule doing what you ask ... I should probably mention that this is a now recurring segment (renewed for a 2nd season!) where I watch the glory that is the ABC reality show The Bachelor and then record my snarky comments about the episode onto this here blog thingy. That's all there is to it. With that said ...

It's home town week. And when I say home, I mean Lorenzo Lamas. What else do we need?
  • Oh no! This episode is on! Harrison just dropped his biggest hyperbole of the season. And he did it with some real conviction: "It's the most romantic season finale ever!" Looks like we're getting a proposal for sure. No Big Swayze shake down this time.
  • Has Matt been doing some Lamas homework? He's rocking some kind of Tom Brady stubble. Looks like he's trying to acclimate himself to being a renegade.
  • This just in. Lamas wears his phone in one of those pouch things on his belt. Keeping the phone in the pocket is just too tough to access for Lamas. The renegade has to quick draw that phone, ya know? Jerry!?
  • Dang, Dad. Kinda sellin' yer little girl up the river, no? "She wants to be a star"? Ouch.
  • Man, Matt's rosy reds really remain rocking. I tried for more Rs, but I ran out. Weak effort, I agree. The point remains. Matt Klaus is in the house. Stubble and all.
  • Excuse MY language, Matt, but dang, you really seemed to have charmed the buhjeezuz off that rapscallion Lorenzo. By golly, I think he knows now that you aren't going to screw with his daughters gawl darn feelings.
  • Getting a little misty in the Lamas household. Nice little moment there, but seriously, where's the laser?
  • Something's in the air tonight: "craziest home town ever" says Harrison. Excuse my language, but wowzers! This episode is gonna be downright scrantabulous!
  • Holy crap, Matt. If you pick Lamas, keep her face out from under the knife. That crap is not working.
  • The Pocahontas headband on sister Lamas? This is a trend I think I'm glad I missed.
  • For serious, everybody. I can't even look at her. One might call her a "20 times intense firecracker." Or more accurately, that's how Lamas would describe her. Cuz I think it's clear I could never come up with that.
  • The stereotypes in this house cannot be stopped. Sister Lamas: "Okay, wait, so tell me, are you -- like, are you in love with him?" Luyk, oooohmaiGAW!
  • I've never been so happy to NOT be hugging someone.
  • Matt says "the British touch was amazing"? What'd we miss?
  • Fun fact, everyone: Chelsea is from Durango, Colorado, a town I lived in for 2 years. My formidable 8th and 9th years. Be sure to stop by the Shred Shed and don't miss the 2-screen theater.
  • "It's on the surface of my tongue to tell him how much I love being with him," says Chelsea. You wanna take that one again there, Chels?
  • Looks like the scruff is here to stay. Either that or Matt Klaus has deemed Durango a rough town where he needs to be rugged to fit in.
  • Kudos to Chelsea's family for being the most boring and nicest family ever. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm sure Matt loved it. And maybe he deserves it considering what Meeps' mom is gonna be offering up.
  • You think Matt rode on the back of that truck all the way from Durango, CO to Loveland, CO? Who are we trying to fool here, people?
  • Okay, so, uh, Noelle. Where have you been this whole season cuz dang, that outfit is working. Werr. Keeng. Rowrr.
  • Aaaaaand then shey showed her microphone pack. Brought it down a notch, but we're still cool.
  • I hope Matt kept that stubble cuz Papa Larry has one hell of a goatee. Wow.
  • Yep, the stubble forges on.
  • The stubble though cannot make up for Matt's form when it comes to horseshoes. Don't wing it, Matt. Just step and throw. Easy on the wrist action, brah.
  • Note to self: Papa Larry is not into jokes involving homonyms. Flexible meaning "I can move anywhere" and flexible meaning "I can stretch my body" ... not funny. The ladies of Loveland on the other hand, well they love a good homonym. Oh, look at that, love in Loveland. This is just great. I'm moving to this wonderfully named place tomorrow.
  • WHAT!? Meeps hired actors to play her mom and dad!? Give her the final rose now. It's over. Give her the million from Survivor too. Meeps has beaten the reality game. And I haven't even seen the segment yet. All bow to Meeps.
  • Okay, as I was typing that last note, my DVR ventured into commercial land and I can't resist. The latest marketing ploy from KFC: "When you're on the go, you need a one-handed snack with a two-handed taste." So you're telling me that we're specifically marketing based on how food is eaten now? What the marketing geniuses said was "Look, we've saturated the market when it comes to breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacking and fourth meal. We've gotta let people know that they don't even need two hands to stuff their faces in between meals (because after all, it's a snack). This is the most productive piece of fast food out there. And productive people are going to buy this crap. Becuase we're marketing geniuses. Where's my spot bonus?" This meeting happened, right?
  • I say again. Holy crap, Meeps. I knew you were clever, but you've defeated us all. You win. Meeps wins. She wins the Bachelor.
  • Meeps arranged for the cougar move! She's running the damn network right now! MEEPS! I'm using real swear words here!
  • I think "You're a good boy, aren't you?" will haunt Matt's dreams for a while to come.
  • Okay, maybe I kinda feel for Matt at this point. What the hell does a man do if that crap actually went down?
  • In other news, Meeps' actual parents are super nice and great and funny ... or at least I assume they are cuz they got about 4 seconds of air time.
  • Well, it's that time again, everyone! If you have some free time, you know you could always use some of your rollover minutes to call up 866-739-31350 and nominate lil' ol' me for the next Bachelor. If selected I'd feverishly combine the confusing dialoge of Big Swayze, the rosy reds of Matt Klaus, and the horribly horribly awful over-laugh of Bob Guinea. It'd be the best season ever! And bonus: we'd learn just how many of the girls actually do the deed in the fantasy suite. Here's a prediction: all of them! BOOYAH!
  • Aaaaand we're back and Chris is rolling out some new speech here. It's new adventures in obviousness with Chris. "I was gonna tell you what an important nigh this is, but I can see in your faces ... you all get it." Yeah, they get it, Chris. 4 chicks. 3 roses. We've all played musical chairs. No face reads necessary.
  • Shayne with the #1 draft pick again. Don't telegraph it or anything, Matt.
  • Also, nice touch, Lamas with the whispery "hiieeeee."
  • Meeps had a hell of a face rocking before that rose got her smiling.
  • Harrison is laying it DOWN tonight. The pause between "ladies" and "Matt" was his best ever!
  • Ouch, Noelle. I didn't see it coming. And judging from your eye roll, neither did you.
  • Who IS this Noelle girl? She's all hot and cute and reasonable and normal. I was joking before but now I really might move to Loveland.
  • Nice. My favorite somber song is back. Feel the sadness in the limo, people. Feel it.
  • Noelle is a revolutionary! Wasn't it this time last year that we were saying goodbye to Hillary? And this year Noelle is "taking the blame to an extent"? I love this girl.
  • Matt says "that was exceptionally hard." Easy, Matt. She still isn't crying. Roll the Hillary tape and see if you want to re-assess the difficulty of Noelle's farewell.
  • Next week, in Matt's words, we're going to "Barbaydawss". Not Barbados, mind you. Barbaydawss.
  • Oh and apparently Matt and Shayne get "sexy" ... and Chelsea seriously does not like holding hands. Big time.
Looking forward to some hard core arm linking next week in Barbaydawss!

Oh and a little shout out to "Old West Photos" in Durango. It's a must see next time you're in Durango. I'm serious.

And finally, shamelessly, click on any of these little links below if you're so inclined. It'll maybe get a few new readers to the bloggy here. Onwards and upwards, ya know?

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1 comment:

Jutah said...

Man...this show is orders of magnitude better because of this blog.