The Bachelor Diaries, London Calling, Week 4

Just to make sure we're all on the same page ... I should probably mention that this is a now recurring segment (renewed for a 2nd season!) where I watch the glory that is the ABC reality show The Bachelor and then record my snarky comments about the episode onto this here blog thingy. That's all there is to it. With that said ...

Is it wrong that it's week 4 and I still feel like there are girls that I know pretty much nothing about? Let's solve this problem. Teach me, ABC. Who ARE these girls? Teach me!

• How early in the morning is it when purple-shirted Harrison is laying down the law? These girls look sleepy, right?
• "Perfect match", tennis racquets, tennis balls ... I'm guessing the date involves attendance of a WWE event.
• Tennis date!? Oh! Man, I did NOT see that coming!
• What the Hell? Lamas can walk on her hands for days. The girl is unendingly bizarre.
• Ooh, I think we just got a glimpse of another one of Robin's chronic-crying-confessionals. I think the CCC may be my favorite element of this season so far. I'm glad it's back.
  
• Ashleelee is horrifying. Horrifying. She may have a laugh worse than Jenni's. And I think she channeled Avril for 2 seconds during her horrible song just before switching back to full on country singer/songwriter BS. Ugh.
• Hey, Kelly. Have a drink. Have 8. A non-drunk Kelly is not a Kelly that I'm interested in. Wait. Is she drunk? She just said "care-uh-less".
• Lamas is really winning me over this week. Telling Robin that group Robin bashing sessions are gonna be an hourly event ... Into it. Triggering a CCC ... way into it.
• More CCC gold: "It is what it is. A rose is a rose. [Terrifying non-smile.]" I love you, Lamas and Chelsea. You really bring the best out of Robin's confessionals.
  
• Yes! DrunKelly talking directly to Meeps: "You are a raging slut." (Kudos to my roommate Dave for picking up on someone else randomly saying "whore" just as Kelly says "slut". Play it back if you can. Good times.)
• Okay, so let's ask. What triggers the meeps for Meeps? Apparently the '50s really put her at ease.
• Huh. So Pissed Earth loses it when she sees the crock pot. I watched her whole diatribe about "digging deep" and "really liking Matt" and I gotta say, I had no reaction. It was as though she was reading me a random page from the 2006 almanac.
• I've been trying to think of a sports analogy that resembles Holly vs. Pissed Earth and I've got nothing. There's no match up. Children's Book Author from Suffield, Ohio vs. Fashion Designer from NY. Girl that went on the fake movie premiere date vs. the girl that busted her lip while playing rugby. It's like comparing apples and skyscrapers. There's no comparison. Whoever wins, it's gonna be a blow out.
• Note to the ladies: when a guy says "you've done a lot to seriously impress me", you're not getting the rose.
  
• This just in. My previous note ... was totally wrong. My jaw is on the floor. He went with Marshana. Apparently Matt is just looking to be impressed by a lady he's courting. Seriously impressed.
• The girls in the house agree. Marshana over Holly is a jaw dropper. Or in DrunKelly speak: "That is ... something crazy."
  
• I'll say it. I don't like how Matt walks. That's probably a weird thing to say, but I don't care. I miss Big Swayze. I even miss Chad.
• You know in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, when they're in the cab and Cameron sees Ferris' dad, and Cameron clenches up his lips and mouth? Ashleelee makes me do that. I strongly dislike her.
• Woah! What just happened? DrunKelly just pulled out her boobs for no reason. She also said something that sounded like "nose her not!" Then she almost fell off the couch. I think that's about all I'm gonna get from Drunky. I'll miss her.
• I should probably comment on Marshana's outfit, right? But I really don't have to. Just look at it.
• Ashleelee misses out on a golden opportunity to sing "I just want him to want me." But inexplicably she just speaks it. Then DrunKelly sasses Meeps for meeping. Solid segue into commercial overall.
• Matt is an enigma wrapped in a riddle which is then stuffed into some kind of puzzle sack. He chooses Noelle over Ashleelee. Do we know anything at all about Noelle? I say nay.
• On the other hand, Ashleelee's horrific horrific final song which eventually fizzled into Shatner-style spoken word poetry reminds me that I love Matt because now I never have to hear Ashleelee laugh or sing/talk again.
• Sincerely, I'll miss you, DrunKelly / Stevie Nicks. I couldn't agree more with your final assessment: "Matt, you know, you're cool and all, but you're not the best." Translation: we all miss Big Swayze.

Next week, Harrison lays it down. "The most shocking confrontation in Bachelor history." I'm pretty sure Marshana pulls out an angry aggressive clap. Remind me to cover what Dave and I call "clap fighting" next week.