Another Day, Another T-Shirt

"What t-shirt am I gonna wear? Can't decide! Brain anneurism!"

-Tenacious D

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Awkward Proposals

Well, here we are. Another season almost in the bag. And all we need to do is stomach our way through 2 hours of awkward interaction with the family that raised what grew to be Jake. Oh yeah ... and helicopter arrivals for the big decision. Aviation.

• Jake goes with "so in love" for both of the ladies? WTF, Jake.
• "My family just shut down their lives to come out here and help me." The whole St. Lucia thing probably didn't hurt, dude.
• "Both laugh at my stupid jokes," says Jake. Mom's reaction: "Wow." So far I love Mom.
• LOVE Mom. "Is she the girl everybody hated?"
• First commercial break. I'll agree with Ando's logic that he's gonna pick Vienna due to a) lack of previous marriage baggage, b) the Hooters girl factor (aka rocked Jake in the bedroom) and c) the fact that she has nothing going on besides being in love with Jake.
• Tenley, cool it on the mmhmm's, yeah's and uh huh's with Jake's mom. Just let her ask the damn question.
• You know what Tenley's good at? Conversing while crying.
• I'm pretty sure this all means that Vienna's time with the fam is going to be a fracking train wreck.
• "You need to tell her how goofy you get," says Mom to Jake. Yeah, tell her, but whatever you do, don't show her.
• Chances of Jake coming up with the idea of jumping in the pool himself? What number is lower than 0%?
• The train wreck is off to a ridiculously fast start. Vienna is like a train wreck engineer. Every move she makes brings this date to a new disastrous level.
• Okay. Every girl on The Bachelor and every girl in Jake's family and every girl I know can't all be wrong. Vienna is like rabies for women. Within 20 minutes, every girl in earshot is approaching foaming at the mouth rage.
• The female in-laws talking to Vienna: "You and Tenley are so different. Like night and day different. Like you're the day ... and like ... I'm a vampire. Like Jake chooses you and I'll burst into flames and die." Not verbatim, but I think the conversation went something like that.
• What just happened? Mom changed her mind and one of the in-laws is crying for judging Vienna? Did I black out over the last 5 minutes? I have no idea how Vienna turned the tide. Seriously.
• So Jake opens the Vienna date with "how do you feel about sulphur?" If I were to ask a girl this question at the beginning of a date in an alternative universe, here's the descending list of answers I'd most like to hear. A) "Uh. What? You're weird." B) "I hate sulphur." C) "I LOVE sulphur!!"
• It'd be a lot more fun if these 2 were using this mud to hide from the predator. In fact just about anything would be better than this date.
• Vienna was married for 3 days? When/how did I miss out on this fun fact?
• If nothing else, the bachelor is a vehicle for people to say every cliche they've ever heard out loud and feel like they actually mean them.
• No one has ever said "Tomorrow, one of these girls is going to be my fiance" with a frown on their face ... until Jake.
• "You captivated me deeper than I've ever been," says Jake about Tenley. I don't even know what that means. I think it's a compliment, but I'm not sure.
• My new greatest hope for the finale is that Jake proposes to Tenley and then she says no. Please please please please please.
• Grey's Anatomy is still on ... huh.
• Tenley and Jake just talked for a long time. I have nothing interesting or funny to add.
• You know what I could go for? A lot of cliched voice over from Jake with an extended shot of him sitting like this:
• 
  
• Perfect.
• Obligatory ring choosing segment -> obligatory selection of a horrible tie and it's time for chopper arrivals.
• Last minute prediction: he goes with Tenley cuz he still feels bad about whatever he said on the boat and just cuz breaking up with Tenley would be so much more of a dick move. And if there's anything we learned this season, it's that Jake is the opposite of a dick.
• Woops. So much for my last minute prediction.
• Ho. Leecrap this is even worse than I imagined.
• And then it got worse when Tenley somehow thanked him for rejecting her. And took crying while conversing to a new level.
• Sign of how horrendous the last segment was: I stopped busying myself with the Internet to pay attention to the DWTS reveal. Erin Andrews, HELLO!
• Just thought of something that made me physically smile. How pissed is Ali right now?
• Well everyone, what have we learned? Being one of the most hated females in Bachelor history pays off in the end. That's what.
• I have 3 words for you, ABC, Jake and The Bachelor franchise regarding this season: Fail. Epic Fail.

I got nothing. I'll see about doing "After The Final Rose" at a later date. It was all downhill after they booted Roslyn.

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Roslyn's Infidelity

It is on. What is it, you ask? It. Harrison. Roslyn. Arms folded grudge match. Is on. It. Plus some more crying from Ali I'm sure.

• Reliving Elizabeth's insanely awkward note reading ... coulda done without that.
• Just in case you can't tell what's "live" and what's not, the super duper not live stuff is the stuff where they've turned up the contrast so much that you kind of have to squint and everything is blurry. The really not live stuff is at normal contrast ... oh and is all happening in the fracking studio with the audience. Bungie jumping. Two dudes on a couch. Top of Coit Tower. Live studio audience. I wouldn't know which was which without the contrast.
• Oooooh, past season catch up when we get back. "You won't believe what happens when these people get together," says Harrison. Unless they combine forces to create the super large hadron collider, I'm probably gonna believe it.
  
• Jesse! My boy! GNARRRRRRR, dude!
• Nikki, I was so happy to have forgotten you.
• Did Wes just say nipple? I ran it back 4 times and can't say for sure that he's saying nipple. He uses nipples to quantify his good times?
  
• To recap ... nope. No super large hadron collider. Just drinking, flirting and making out.
• Oops, wait apparently "with great success comes ..." the need to work with 5th graders and paint life guard stands. Not exactly as quotable as Uncle Ben, but I guess it works.
• The Bachelor and someone named Mike Fleiss gave money to Ellen? Who's Mike Fleiss? Oh.
  
• Harrison says "the most memorable women are here tonight." Which girls watching at home just started crying?
• Ashley, I haven't forgotten about you.
  
• Did Gia just say that Tenley shits rainbows? Where was this personality during the season, Gigi?
• These stories about Roslyn are easily the most interesting stories from the whole season. The season has been that bad.
• Pot shots Harrison has taken at Michelle tonight ... at least 5. Don't pick on the crazy ones, Harrison. They don't know you're making fun of them half the time.
• All things considered, props to Michelle's crazy ass. She defended herself well against Harrison, Ali's "look at me" interruption and her own condemning footage.
  
• How many more viewings before Jake double closing Ali's limo door is not funny? 100? 1,000?
• What the hell is going on? Ali just apologized to Vienna and asked others to stick up for her.
• Looks wise, I'll say it. I'm not mad at Ashleigh or Elizabeth.
• Of all the cruel ironies, why did they reunite Roslyn with her steamy staffer during the walk through the back halls of the studio?
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• Harrison, we see that ring on your finger. No reason to try to score points with Roslyn.
• "Son, isn't the simplest story the truth?" Yes. Yes it is, Dr. Phil.
  
• How in the hell do they not have any footage of this?
  
• I know what would settle this once and for all. Have her try on the glove!
  
• How great would it be if Roslyn really was telling the truth and all the girls met late one night and formulated this conspiracy? At this point, that's my greatest hope for the outcome of this story.
• "Back by popular demand, your bachelor, Jake!" You go to hell, Harrison. You go to hell and you die!
• "When we were sitting on that bench, my heart was crying." I loathe this man.
• 
  
• Most unexpected tears of the night: Kathryn. No question. Did you WATCH the show? This guy sucks! What are you crying about?
• 
  
• I told you you blew it with Christina, Jake.
  
• ANOTHER pot shot at Michelle. Chris is ruthless tonight.
• For those scoring at home, it's 9:48pm and Steve just went upstairs and put himself to bed. Night, Steve.
• These outtakes are tremendously tremendous. (USA! USA! USA!) Harrison's response to what he uses on his teeth is my fav. And Ashleigh's send off.
• And someone get Corrie and Tenley their own show.

Next week on The Bachelor, we find out who's on the next DWTS!!! Oh and Jake picks between "sugar and spice." Which one's which exactly?

More importantly, the guy that watched Roslyn why she packed her bags and walked her to the studio tonight ... is named Paulie. And he's single!

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Fantasy Suites

Okay, it's time for the episode where all the actual dates are just prelude to a phone call from Ms. Career Woman Ali. So much for Eyes On The Prize. Oh and I forgot about the fantasy suites ... probably because the idea of Jake making a move on these chicks is about as natural as a jet planes. Aviation.

• The throwbacks to night one are kinda fun. Tenley's name is "Tenley ... like the number ten." Cute.
• Holy crap Vienna was the girl that asked to see Jake's abs straight out of the limo. I can't even imagine all the other ladies watching that episode back.
• "So I've watched about 5 minutes of this season and I hate this dude." My ever-wise roommate Dave, everybody.
• Ali is back "home" which looks a lot like a hotel room ... and sleeps with pictures of Jake by her bed. What do you call someone that puts food on the shelves at a grocery store? A stalker, that's right. (Wrong spelling, but go with me, people.)
• 2 thoughts about Gia and Jake's time in the city. 1) There's not even a word for how annoying Gia is. 2) Jake can not dance. At all.
• Wait a minute. Leap of faith ... jump of the dock into the ocean. Oh. Oh I see what you did there. Not even close to clever or charming.
• Ugh. Jake dons the necklace.
• Here's a sampling of convo during dinner. Jake: "You're very deep." Gia: "... Like, more than I would ever open up, like, really, like you don't even -- you don't even know." Deep indeed, Jake. Deep.
• Somehow the men's snowcross on the olympics has pulled me away from this deep conversation. This course is insane.
• "Eh ha. I'm ready to use the key. Eh ha!" She's deep and not shy ... and annoying beyond words.
• Tenley arrives just in time for 1,000th helicopter ride in Bachelor history!! You figure they would have rolled out some balloons or some confetti or something.
• Tenley thinks Jake loves to dance? Someone roll the Gia date for her.
• Fantasy Suite? More like Can't-asy suite! Cuz Tenley has only been with one man ... in case you hadn't heard Tenley the first 489 times. What? No recycling of jokes allowed?
• "This came from Chris Harrison ... and I'm really excited about it," says Jake. Holy crap, you sold her, Jake. I might actually be impres -- nah, can't go that far.
• Euphemisms for sex learned during tonight's show ... Tenley: "moving forward." Gia: "Ready to use the key."
• Oh no, they've shifted to pairs figure skating on the other TV. I'm forced to watch the rest of this date.
• Onto Vienna's date ... Putting an eye patch on Jake is like putting a birthday hat on a dog. He's immediately disoriented and he's gonna squirm uncomfortably until he figures out a way to get it off.
• "I don't care if we're in St. Lucia or Texas, I just want to be with him." What are you trying to say, Vienna? What are you trying to say?
• Well this date is mostly unbearable. Hey look, I was a one-year-old lush!
• Gist of the dinner date as best I can tell ... there will be no suspense when it comes to fantasy suite choice time.
• Tenley's euphemism for the evening: "show him another side of me." No real need for euphemism in this case.
• Uh, so much for suspense of the next segment ... looks like Ali's headed for Lucia.
• Why do they even bother asking for bachelor and bachelorette nominees on the website? How long has it been since we've had a newcomer as the main character? If only I had the past 5 or so odd seasons documented somehow ... shit.
• Key quote from the Jake/Ali phone convo: "Ehhhhhh." Ali's got a real way with words. I can see why he asked her back.
• Wow, looks like the damn editors at ABC got me again. Jake makes a stand. In your face, Ali! Aviation!
• That was a really really really long segment to end up right where we were at the end of the last episode.
• Gia's head tilt during her video diary makes me want to jam handfuls of marbles into my eyes.
• For the sake of drama, I hope he drops Vienna mostly cuz I think her freak out would involve the most acting out. Gia would probably cry and do an annoying whimper very similar to her annoying laugh. And dumping Tenley at this point would just be too cruel for words.
• This has to be one of the most numbing episodes in Bachelor history. I'm averaging 0.67 comments per segment over the last 4 segments.
• First draft pick - Tenley. Very impressive turn around for her.
• Oh Gia. Gia Gia Gia. Your mom was way off, right?! Lesson learned: don't listen to your mom after she's only known a guy for 2 hours.
• Did anyone else catch the giant smile on Harrison's face as he walked in to give Gia the boot? Dude was downright giddy.
• Gia's complete acceptance of all this is ... bizarre. Sad and bizarre.
• Oh and I just noticed she's wearing the necklace thing on her wrist. Please take it off for your own dignity. Good gravy.
• What is this dirt road they're taking Gia away on? Are they going to ... take care of her? Seems like the airport would be on a paved road.
• Jake puts the cherry on top of the most awkward toast of the season with not only a group hug but talk of how hard it was to get rid of Gia. Smooth as always.
• Be proud, ladies. Jake thinks you're "the best of the best."

Next week, good times with the return of the crazies from this season. And enough non-verbal reactions from Vienna and Tenley to keep us all guessing.

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Self Loathing

Well here we are again. Looks like we're in for another week of interaction that leaves you wondering "what exactly do they see in this guy besides the aviation and the abs?" At least we get some funny accents and a lot of dramatic leaning.

• Fashion question - long sleeve shirt while wearing shorts and flip flops ... better than a hoodie leather jacket?
• "That's the empire state building with the thing on the top." Really, Gia? Really?
• Amazing conversationalist moment #1: "So this is where you're from."
• Good news! The mega-annoying laugh has been upgraded to hyperultra-annoying.
• "He always as they say 'has my back.'" Who's they, Gia's mom? I don't think anyone knows what you mean.
• Gia's brother Erick's hair takes the blowout to new levels. In your face, Pauly D.
• 
• Gia's mom is a cliche machine. She's a multi-conglomerate cliche factory. "Reach for them stars, but keep one foot on that ground." She likes to throw in her own little twists though ... obviously.
• Onto Ali's town ... full leg and arm clasp hug count: 2. Are they coached on these greetings?
• Amazing conversationalist moment #2: "There's a lot of leaves."
• Ali: "My mom is not an easy lady ..." she says "... to impress." Whew. That was about to get awkward there.
• I'll confess to spending the majority of the Ali family dinner date trying to figure out what was wrong with Gretzky during the Olympic opening ceremonies last night. Did that dude have to use the restroom or something?
  
• Just got snapped back into focus when Ali said she'd marry Jake today. I'm guessing Jake would like to see her open up a bit more. It's gonna be tough when she has all these walls up.
• Hmmm, looks like Tenley's date is not going to be a big upper and it looks like Ali loses it later.
• Aaaaaaand the streak is broken. No leg clasp from Tenley. Damn your walls, Tenley. Damn them!
• I wonder what Mia would have to say about Tenley's routine? Or even Jill?
• Unlike Gia's mom, Tenley isn't interested in Jake having her back, she just hopes that "We'll be a we." Tenley's a cliche innovator.
• If you ever want Jake to say the word "aviation" just say something like "You saw what Jake loves" and then pause for 0.25 seconds. Guaranteed he says "aviation" with an especially pompous tone.
• The Tenley dinner in a word: eeeeeemotions.
• Jake to Tenley's dad: "I guess what I'm asking is ... can I marry your daughter ... assuming I pick her from the 4 girls I'm currently dating that is."
• Tenley's dad, thanks for playing along. Really, we appreciate it, but c'mon you're not really granting your marital blessing after 2 hours, right?
• Onto Vienna's date. Of course she lives in Florida. Reminds me of a segment that Carolla used to do on his radio show called "Germany or Florida" where someone would read a news article about some crazy person doing something insane and then Carolla would guess if the story originated in Germany or Florida. Vienna is one giant game of Germany or Florida.
  
• Jake goes 2 for 4 with leg clasps. You can't win 'em all, Jake.
• Jake also goes 2 for 4 with dates involving boats which leads to this exchange ...
• Vienna: "You do know how to drive a boat, right?" Jake: "Aviation. Er, I mean. Yes."
• Hey, Vienna's dad, I've got 2 words for ya. Consider Lasik.
  
• 
• Is Vienna adopted? Honestly she looks nothing like these people.
• So Ali has to go home cuz of her job? But she checks her email on the weekends, what more do these corporate slave drivers want!?!? Probably for her not be gone for weeks at a time dating a pilot.
  
• This is the look of a chick that just remembered how much she hates her competition ... and is ready to jet.
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• Also, is this a hair style that Ali is rocking? Or is it just ... hair?
• Crap I just remembered a clip from "this season on the bachelor" with Ali that hasn't happened yet. So much for the suspense. See you on the exotic date.
• This is why I watch the Bachelor. I think this is why we all watch the Bachelor. She held this pose for a good 15 seconds.
• 
• Huh. I guess my memory failed me. Later, Ali.
• I hope that Gia, Vienna and Tenley have all stood in silence this whole time. Possibly an occasional laugh out of nowhere from Gia that makes the other two roll their eyes.

Next week, Jake puts on a necklace. I think some other stuff happened, but I was too thrown off by the necklace to notice.

A thought about the (not) free Grand Slam at Denny's

Stories like this make me crazy. In case you missed it, Denny's announced free Grand Slam breakfasts to all takers today, 2/9/10 between 6am to 2pm. I realize this sounds like the unimaginable free meal at first glance, but ...

It's not.

Chipotle did something similar in Arizona last year. Pouncing on the Cardinals heading for the Super Bowl, patrons that wore red got a free burrito on 1/31/09. Again, this meal was far from free.

But Luke, it's literally free. How can it not be free? What part of "free" don't you understand?

Look at the lines in these shots. I actually tried to participate in the Chipotle promo and the line was out the back door when I arrived. Same happened today at every Denny's in the universe.

Lines = time. Time is not free. Let's do some quick math.

• Assume you make $10/hr.
• Assume you have to spend 2 hours standing in line (aka not at work) to get your free meal and then an hour sitting at the table.
• $10/hr times 3 hours = free! Woops, nope. Actually it's $30.

You just gave up $30 of your time to get a free meal that costs you $5 under normal circumstances.

On the other hand, if you go to Denny's tomorrow on your lunch hour ...

• No wait (cuz it's Denny's) = $0.
• Lunch hour meal = $0 in lost wages.
• $5 Grand Slam plus soda and tip = $10.

$30 for a free meal today. Or $10 for a not free meal tomorrow. Hope you made the right choice.

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Reeeeveeeenge!!

Well I just did some yoga and now I'm sitting down for a nice bachelor blog. All elements of masculinity have left my being. Awesome. The title of this week's blog is in the hopes that Eyes On The Prize Ali really lays the smack down ... on everyone. Harrison has my hopes high via "this week on The Bachelor." Get it on!!!

• This week's leather jacket mod ... a hoodie. How very Mayer of you, Jake.
• On the surface, I'll say this, Jake. Not too rough on the eyes, this crowd.
• Two responses to Tenley realizing she's having the first date. 1) She reads her name has no reaction at all. And then reads "Let's get our love on track in San Francisco" and FREAKS OUT. What the hell? Did she not recognize her own name? Why the delayed freak out? 2) Do you think Gia learned this move from her last boyfriend Carl Pavano.
• 
• Plenty more details on Gia and all the other ladies including possible spoilers here if you're interested. Good lookin' out, Ando.
  
• Yes! Ali and Vienna group date. Shit is going down. It is going down!
• F you, Corrie! You tricked me! I don't take kindly to tricksters.
• Hmmm, this cat fight is much more boring and annoying than I would have expected. They both make no sense.
• Write your own fortunes? Barf, hurl, etc. I'd be better off back on the yoga mat.
• Jake's giant wooden chest arrives. Gia: "What is all this?" Tenley: "This is a whole lot of clothes to choose from." I can see why Jake likes her sense of humor.
• Word count of the Gia/Vienna data so far. Vienna: 3,487. Gia: "This is crazy." 3 if you're scoring at home.
• On the bright side, no more horrible giddy laughter from Gia. In its place: insane insecurity. She's very dynamic, that Gia.
• Personally I could have handled more of the Vienna wanders the castle with a lamp montage. Wait, no. What's the opposite of more?
• So Vienna's eye make up during the confessional ... she was going for Skeletor?
• So Jake's got Corrie on the boat and he ... wipes crums off her face and doesn't kiss her?
• Holy balls I want to smash this keyboard this is so awkward!! Too close for missiles, switch to guns and make your damn move!
• I'd like to call into question Jake's shoes during the aquarium date. That is all.
• Not to look too far ahead, but we might as well not even set up a fantasy suite for Corrie's final date, right?
  
• Is it just me or did Ali and Corrie wear virtually the same outfit for their respective dates?
• This insanely bubbly side of Ali ... not into it. She LOVES the clenched teeth high pitch voice move. "I'm sooovvvvvexcvivvtedvvvv!!"
• "What's that? A crab? ... Well he scored on that one didn't he?" I officially hate this guy.
  
• I tried to listen to Ali and Jake's Vienna conversation, but I honestly couldn't. I'd ask what happened but I don't even care at this point.
• "You want to jump in the water? And when I say 'jump in' I mean run towards the water and then stop quickly and get our pants all wet."
• If Jake is one thing, it's well spoken. "I can't believe we have to do this again. It's just like ... gaaaa." Actual quote. Verbatim. And he accompanied it with this face ...
  
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• This is your bachelor, America. Shoot me. Shoot us all.
  
• "Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm not in touch with my sensual side," says Corrie. I believe her, yo. I don't know why but I do.
• Jake to Corrie: "You are not any different than how I hoped you would be." What. Does that even. MEAN!?!? Is this what passes for charming these days?
• So Gia says that Jake passed a test of hers. Unless I heard her wrong, the test was "what does a guy do when he has the opportunity to sleep with another girl while I'm upstairs?" You're a real slave driver, Gia.
• Aaaaaaaaand the giddy laugh is back. I'm just dry heaving at this point I've barfed so much.
• Harrison! Oh I've never been so happy to see you. Bless you, sir, for you mark the end of the episode.
• They're RE-PLAYING the "it's okay to fall" clip? All testosterone has exited my body having had to see that scene twice.
• I think Jake could have summited the Everest of awkward if he had put his legs over Harrison during the interview ... you know, he doesn't want Harrison to feel left out.
• Doh! Corrie gets the boot. I was really looking forward to the fantasy suite exchange.
• I liked Corrie. I'll admit it. She's the only one that didn't seem to go all weirdo in the environment of the show.
• I know Family Guy says to always end on a good joke, but I've got nothing. You're sucked the life out of me, Jake and co.
  

Next week, home town time. Looks like Vienna's dad and Gia's mom are NOT going to disappoint. And Harrison has more tricks up his sleeve. He better protect Gia's hawwt.