The Bachelor Diaries, London Calling, Week 7

Ok, I'm fresh off the houseboat trip (pictures coming soon) and I'm still sporting the mustache from the challenge (more pictures coming soon), but let's delay sleep for a bit and get into this oddly-timed 52 minute episode.

Oh and I should probably mention that this is a now recurring segment (renewed for a 2nd season!) where I watch the glory that is the ABC reality show The Bachelor and then record my snarky comments about the episode onto this here blog thingy. That's all there is to it. With that said ...

• Can't believe we lost Noelle. Just as she hit her apex. Oh well.
• Ah, yes, I forgot, Barbaydawsssss.
  
• Hey Matt, you, uh, you got something on your pants there, dude. It seems to be the ocean.
  
• Shayne, uh, that's a swimsuit all right. Wow.
• Oh and for the record, kids, I do not endorse riding wave runners at such close proximity. That's a ticket on Lake Powell. 50 yards, people!
• Lamas can do the splits. Great. Moving on.
  
• And now for the question that did not need to be asked by anyone ever ... "Do they have palm trees in London?" No, Lamas. No.
• Lamas puts on a gold, poofier and longer version of her swimsuit for dinner. It also has a metal loop or a buckle or something.
• I'm honestly a little fascinated by the information Lamas is bestowing on all of us about stage kissing. You just fake the tongue by opening your mouth? Consider my mind blown.
• Is Robin back on this show? Lamas just said "if you know me, you know me." Accent on the second "me".
  
• If I'm being honest (trademark Simon Cowell and Matt Rosy Reds), I'm kinda into the whole Lamas thing right now. She's being kinda funny and then she transitioned into a little serious talk time.
  
• Oh! Well, what's this!? What's that you say, Matt? Chris Harrison has given you something? Well, open that $#*% up and let's get to the bottom of this mystery right now! Seriously, Matt, one thing that Big Swayze did that you could handle skipping ... is pretending like the format of the show isn't pre-determined.
• Let's give props to the fact that even Harrison's written material hasn't changed in years just like his spoken material. "If you choose to forego your individual rooms--" Woah, woah, woah! I'm gonna stop you right there, Chris and I'm gonna go ahead and choose to forego my individual room, thanks.
  
• Just noticed Lamas' peace sign neclace. I'm gonna say nah, Lamas. Nah.
  
• Based on the previews of the next 2 dates and thinking about Lamas being the 1st draft pick two weeks in a row now, Lamas is the crazy front runner at this point.
• Little break for some commercial commentary. Made of Honor. My Best Friend's Wedding. Same movie with the gender roles reversed, no? Let's check the synopses on IMDB: Made and Best Friend's. Same movie by me.
  
• Meeps wears a slightly less revealing outfit than Lamas.
  
• "There's something very sexy about conquering our fear of heights together." Really, Matt? Really?
  
• Kudos to the ABC music supervisor for drumming up a tune that sounds eerily similar, but not exactly the same as the music from the lobby scene in the first Matrix movie.
• I don't think Matt calling Meeps "honey" is a good sign for Meeps. You better jump on a trampoline and rock some splits, girl!
• "I think the sexiest part of dating is when you can sit and look up at the stars and have a real conversation," says Meeps. Sexy for Rosy Reds = conquering heights. Sexy for Meeps = real conversation. Maybe these two are meant to be.
• I honestly forgot her name was Amanda until just now when she said "Amanda, stop!" in reference to when she finds herself saying "dumb" things and not expressing her emotions.
• I also forgot that she got the first first impression rose. I should make a note to do a mid-season review of the Week 1 blog next season. Contrast and compare, ya know?
• "... Please use this key to stay as a couple in our fantasy suite and bone like there's no tomorrow." Just making sure you're paying attention.
• We're looking at some serious make out time for these two here. Get in there, you crazy kids.
• Oh, and now, thanks to Lamas, I'm trying to discern if they're stage kissing or if tongues are actually escaping their mouths. Gross.
  
• Look, I'll say it. Matt walks weird. That's all there is to it.
• "Captain Chris" is taking Chelsea and Matt on the boat. Tell me it's Harrison. Dang. Must not be.
• Tell me some more fun geological facts about Barbaydawsssss, Chelsea. Captain Awkward has arrived!
• So, a la Seinfeld, Matt just did the biggest face touch I've ever seen while discussing the date. In other words, "I gotta get out!" If Chelsea isn't gone at the end of this, Matt is as confusing as any bachelor ever.
• Tell me they don't even bother with Chelsea at the ceremony and they sub in that turtle. Just imagine it for a second. Matt walking and standing weird. Lamas. Meeps. Pan down to a sea turtle. Glancing around all nervous. Just give it a second. It's funny. Especially if you imagine the turtle approaching Matt to receive a rose.
• One thing Chels has on her competition. She knows how to rock the cleav.
  
• I'll give Matt some props for openly talking about his frustration with his awesome date with the turtle.
  
• Let's just say it. Chelsea is really good at expressing herself. Wait, is that what I meant to say?
• Hey Matt, I'm confused. That card you've got there ... is it from Chris Harrison? I can't handle all these curve balls, dude.
  
• Chelsea's about to take a moment to get Matt a surprise. I could not be hoping more for Chelsea to leave and come back with the turtle.
• Woah! I mean. Woah! Chelsea! Woah! Check out my booty shorts, she says. Check out my naked back, she says. Check me out going full on COMMANDO, she says. Woah! This is the most dramatic turn around after a commercial ever. Think about the turtle segment before the commercial and where we are now after the commercial. Pretty impressive turn around, Chels.
  
• Hey Matt, Jeff Probst called. He wants his shirt back. Yeah, I went there.
• 3 weeks in a row! Lamas. First draft pick. This show is over!
• Chelsea gets the rose. Dang, Meeps. Guess you should've skipped the stage kissing. Either that or taken some time to let it be known that you are into full on commando.
• Yes! Meeps called Matt a douche bag (ear muffs, kids) to his face! This girl rules. She punks him and then drops a d-bag on him. That's how you leave the show, everyone.
• By the way, they bleeped the word "douche bag". Huh.
• F Rosy Reds, Meeps. You're cooler than him and his weird walk.
• Here we are again, everyone. The most awkward toast ever. Bachelor and the final two. Good times.
• Oh and for the record, I bet Chelsea sealed the deal and Lamas and Meeps did not. I got some inside info from the turtle. Thoughts, faithful readers?
  
• Who else missed Harrison? No play at all this episode.
• Oh and remind me not to invest in the company that makes "The Iceberg" floaty rock wall thingy.

Next 2 weeks bring the reunion and the finale where Matt drops the L-word and the proposal. There will be no Swayze badassedness this season. Dang.

And finally, shamelessly, click on any of these little links below if you're so inclined. It'll maybe get a few new readers to the bloggy here. Onwards and upwards, ya know?

Save to Del.icio.us

Suns v. Spurs Game 2 - A Musical Journey

So, among the many things that occurred to me as I watched Suns/Spurs Game 1 on Saturday, I could not ignore the fact that the music being pumped out by ABC's music supervisor (you know, the music as they go to commercial break) and the music being pumped out the PA in the Alamo Dome was nothing short of a ridiculous. So ridiculous that I thought it should be documented. So here we are. Game 2 and I'll be keeping track of every song that comes out of my TV's speakers. I did just realize that this game is being televised by TNT and I somehow remember that their music tends to not be as horrible as ABC's, but we'll find out.

Note: After about 3 minutes, I decided to skip documenting anything that is sort of standard fare these days: the defense chant, "Let's go Spurs!", etc. Just understand that crap is basically running the ENTIRE game. Trust me, I tried to record it for the first 3 minutes of the game and could not keep up.

1st Quarter

• Tip off - some drum-heavy song I can't make out
• 11:50 - PA - Defense chant
• 11:45 - PA - "Let's go spurs" song
• 11:18 - PA - Defense
• 11:07 - PA - Charge!
• 10:50 - PA - Defense
• 10:33 - PA - That clap song ... clap. clap. clap. clapclapclap. clap.
• 10:30 - Here's where I gave up on keeping track of chants and stuff.
• 8:50 - PA - tip off song while the Suns are on offense.
• 8:45 - The TNT NBA theme song. This is why I should have done this blog on Saturday. ABC would have been playing "Even Flow" by Pearl Jam or "The Good Life" by Kanye West or, I don't know, "Nothing Compares" by Sinead O'Connor.
• 7:43 - PA - Solja Boy while the Spurs are on offense. What the PA is saying is "Man, this game is kinda boring, right? Let's roll some tunes."
• 6:45 - PA - Classic rock song I can't make out while the Spurs are on O. Duncan misses a 15 footer.
• 2:56 - TNT - Coming back from commercial - Punk/rock song I can't make out during a Ginobli 6th man montage.
• 0:51.2 - PA - That techno song where they say "Yeah-ah!" often during a time out.
• 0:51.2 - PA - "I FEEL all right, yeah, hey-ee-yeah-ah. I FEEL it! FEEL it!" 2nd song during the time out.
• End of the quarter - TNT - some bass riff type song I can't make out

Well, this blog entry might end up being a total train wreck ... especially now that I'm DVR-less. Damn Idol and Beauty and the Geek on at the same time and I'm forced to watch the game live. Who cares!? We're a quarter of the way in. Let's finish this.

2nd Quarter

• 8:50 - TNT - "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC as we go to commercial. Suns lead has gone from 14 to 5. Bring back Solja Boy!
• Note: Dave points out that all of the Spurs' 33 points have come from Duncan, Ginobli and Parker.
• 'Nother note: that scene from "The Closer" they keep showing ... is not dramatic. It's comical.
  
• 8:50 - TNT - some acoustic feel good song during an NBA Cares segment featuring Finley.
• 7:08 - PA - Some hip hop song I can't make out while the Spurs are on O. Offensive foul called on Thomas.
• 6:19 - TNT on NBA theme song. Suns back up by 10.
• 6:19 - TNT - some random beat while they compare Shaq and Duncan coming back from commercial.
• 3:11 - PA - That techno song: "No no! No no. No no! No no. No no! No no. NO NO NO NO!" as we go to time out.
• 1:38 - PA - They bring out Day-O. Day light come and me wanna go home.
• 1:38 - TNT - random techno beat during a "hack-a-Shaq" montage.
• End of the half. Suns by 7.
• TNT goes to commercial with their wailing guitar riff song.

Half Time Notes

• TNT runs a bunch of random tunes during highlights and such.
• Spurs have all but 3 of their 54 points from Manu, Duncan and Parker.
• This blog entry might really suck.
• PA is pumping the "Yeah-ah!" song again. "YeahYeahYeahYeah! Yeah-ah!"
  

3rd Quarter

• Personal note: I like David Aldridge. That is all.
• 7:03 - TNT - Mariaci band playing as we go to commercial. Suns are friggin' scoreless for the quarter! Frustration reigns.
• 5:34 - Nash scores the Suns' first points of the quarter.
• 5:32 - PA decides to fire up some guitar riff song I don't recognize. Spurs turn it over.
• 3:07 - PA - back to "Yeah-ah!" Spurs are on a 6-0 run. This game is insanely frustrating. We're looking at a 17-2 quarter right now!
• 2:50 - Not even the "She was IN! YOUR! VAN!" Closer preview can get a smirk out of me.
• 2:50 - TNT - Hip hop drum beat during a Spurs championship montage
• 1:20 - We're into the second possession of Hack-a-Shaq. Shaq is 3 of 4.
• 1:14 - PA - Some weird jungle like percussion beat. Spurs turn it over. Seeing a trend here? We need more crappy tunes.
• 0:49.3 - The number of Suns missed lay ups in this game is insane. Shaq is 5 of 6 on 3 hacks.
• 0:41 - PA - Mm-mmmmm. Mm-mm. Mmmmm-mm. You know that song, right? Probably not, but they just played it.
• End of the 3rd - TNT - Rock song I couldn't make out. This game, blog blows.

4th Quarter

• Personal note: watching this game is significantly less fun than Game 1. It's pretty much no fun.
  
• 11:20 - TNT on NBA as we go to commercial
• Music/commercial note: Meatloaf's son is a bad lip-syncer.
• 9:21 - PA - Some classic rock song that, again, I can't make out. I really didn't think it would be this tough.
• Trying to salvage something positive out of this ... let's make fun of the announcers! Doug just said "myriad of pick and rolls".
• 7:27 - PA - some kind of frantic drum/rock anthem. Brick for the Spurs. Nash then hits a 3.
• 6:24 - PA - Weird drum beat tune. Manu misses a 3. I'm NOT selectively listing these.
• 6:08 - PA - Another hip hop song I can't make out. Duncan turns it over. Too bad Amare has gone anemic offensively.
• 5:28 - PA - "Back in Black" by AC/DC. Foul on Shaq.
• 5:20 - PA - "Everybody clap yo hands!". You guessed it. Turn over. And you guessed it again. Diaw misses another lay up on the other end.
  
• 4:05 - PA - "Life is a Highway". Offensive foul on Kurt Thomas. He's out. This is just insane. How have the Suns NOT bit into this lead?
• 3:06 - PA - Yet another unknown hip hop beat. Duncan misses a lay up. Steve hits a jumper. 14-2 run. Shhhhhhhh.
• 2:16 - TNT's wailing guitar riff as we go to commercial.
• 2:16 - TNT - Marines teamwork play of the game featuring frantic drum beat song.
• Uh, crowd footage reveals the following ... There are some fat people in San Anton.
• Uh, the game reveals the following ... Diaw is. Killing. The Suns.
• 0:22 - PA - "Mony Mony" by Billy Idol as the Suns take a time out. Suns down 8. Preeeeetty much ball game.
• 0:14 - PA - "Y'all ready for this?" techno song as the Spurs take a time out.
• 0:00 - Blarg, Suns. Blarg.
  

Well, this was a horrible idea. You win some, you lose some. Like the Suns I guess. But if we can take anything from this ...

Final Stats

• Actual tunes played during game play (not during time out) - 16
• Resulting play not recorded - 6 (38%)
  
• Spurs' missed Shots - 3 (19%)
  
• Suns' defensive foul - 1 (3%)
  
• Spurs' turn overs - 6 (38%)
  

Keep that music pumping, PA man. It's doing the Spurs no favors.

Save to Del.icio.us

The Bachelor Diaries, London Calling, Week 6

I'm back on schedule. On schedule doing what you ask ... I should probably mention that this is a now recurring segment (renewed for a 2nd season!) where I watch the glory that is the ABC reality show The Bachelor and then record my snarky comments about the episode onto this here blog thingy. That's all there is to it. With that said ...

It's home town week. And when I say home, I mean Lorenzo Lamas. What else do we need?

• Oh no! This episode is on! Harrison just dropped his biggest hyperbole of the season. And he did it with some real conviction: "It's the most romantic season finale ever!" Looks like we're getting a proposal for sure. No Big Swayze shake down this time.
• Has Matt been doing some Lamas homework? He's rocking some kind of Tom Brady stubble. Looks like he's trying to acclimate himself to being a renegade.
• This just in. Lamas wears his phone in one of those pouch things on his belt. Keeping the phone in the pocket is just too tough to access for Lamas. The renegade has to quick draw that phone, ya know? Jerry!?
• Dang, Dad. Kinda sellin' yer little girl up the river, no? "She wants to be a star"? Ouch.
• Man, Matt's rosy reds really remain rocking. I tried for more Rs, but I ran out. Weak effort, I agree. The point remains. Matt Klaus is in the house. Stubble and all.
  
• Excuse MY language, Matt, but dang, you really seemed to have charmed the buhjeezuz off that rapscallion Lorenzo. By golly, I think he knows now that you aren't going to screw with his daughters gawl darn feelings.
• Getting a little misty in the Lamas household. Nice little moment there, but seriously, where's the laser?
• Something's in the air tonight: "craziest home town ever" says Harrison. Excuse my language, but wowzers! This episode is gonna be downright scrantabulous!
  
• Holy crap, Matt. If you pick Lamas, keep her face out from under the knife. That crap is not working.
• The Pocahontas headband on sister Lamas? This is a trend I think I'm glad I missed.
• For serious, everybody. I can't even look at her. One might call her a "20 times intense firecracker." Or more accurately, that's how Lamas would describe her. Cuz I think it's clear I could never come up with that.
• The stereotypes in this house cannot be stopped. Sister Lamas: "Okay, wait, so tell me, are you -- like, are you in love with him?" Luyk, oooohmaiGAW!
• I've never been so happy to NOT be hugging someone.
  
• Matt says "the British touch was amazing"? What'd we miss?
• Fun fact, everyone: Chelsea is from Durango, Colorado, a town I lived in for 2 years. My formidable 8th and 9th years. Be sure to stop by the Shred Shed and don't miss the 2-screen theater.
• "It's on the surface of my tongue to tell him how much I love being with him," says Chelsea. You wanna take that one again there, Chels?
• Looks like the scruff is here to stay. Either that or Matt Klaus has deemed Durango a rough town where he needs to be rugged to fit in.
• Kudos to Chelsea's family for being the most boring and nicest family ever. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm sure Matt loved it. And maybe he deserves it considering what Meeps' mom is gonna be offering up.
• You think Matt rode on the back of that truck all the way from Durango, CO to Loveland, CO? Who are we trying to fool here, people?
• Okay, so, uh, Noelle. Where have you been this whole season cuz dang, that outfit is working. Werr. Keeng. Rowrr.
• Aaaaaand then shey showed her microphone pack. Brought it down a notch, but we're still cool.
• I hope Matt kept that stubble cuz Papa Larry has one hell of a goatee. Wow.
  
• Yep, the stubble forges on.
• The stubble though cannot make up for Matt's form when it comes to horseshoes. Don't wing it, Matt. Just step and throw. Easy on the wrist action, brah.
• Note to self: Papa Larry is not into jokes involving homonyms. Flexible meaning "I can move anywhere" and flexible meaning "I can stretch my body" ... not funny. The ladies of Loveland on the other hand, well they love a good homonym. Oh, look at that, love in Loveland. This is just great. I'm moving to this wonderfully named place tomorrow.
  
• WHAT!? Meeps hired actors to play her mom and dad!? Give her the final rose now. It's over. Give her the million from Survivor too. Meeps has beaten the reality game. And I haven't even seen the segment yet. All bow to Meeps.
• Okay, as I was typing that last note, my DVR ventured into commercial land and I can't resist. The latest marketing ploy from KFC: "When you're on the go, you need a one-handed snack with a two-handed taste." So you're telling me that we're specifically marketing based on how food is eaten now? What the marketing geniuses said was "Look, we've saturated the market when it comes to breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacking and fourth meal. We've gotta let people know that they don't even need two hands to stuff their faces in between meals (because after all, it's a snack). This is the most productive piece of fast food out there. And productive people are going to buy this crap. Becuase we're marketing geniuses. Where's my spot bonus?" This meeting happened, right?
• I say again. Holy crap, Meeps. I knew you were clever, but you've defeated us all. You win. Meeps wins. She wins the Bachelor.
  
• Meeps arranged for the cougar move! She's running the damn network right now! MEEPS! I'm using real swear words here!
• I think "You're a good boy, aren't you?" will haunt Matt's dreams for a while to come.
• Okay, maybe I kinda feel for Matt at this point. What the hell does a man do if that crap actually went down?
• In other news, Meeps' actual parents are super nice and great and funny ... or at least I assume they are cuz they got about 4 seconds of air time.
• Well, it's that time again, everyone! If you have some free time, you know you could always use some of your rollover minutes to call up 866-739-31350 and nominate lil' ol' me for the next Bachelor. If selected I'd feverishly combine the confusing dialoge of Big Swayze, the rosy reds of Matt Klaus, and the horribly horribly awful over-laugh of Bob Guinea. It'd be the best season ever! And bonus: we'd learn just how many of the girls actually do the deed in the fantasy suite. Here's a prediction: all of them! BOOYAH!
• Aaaaand we're back and Chris is rolling out some new speech here. It's new adventures in obviousness with Chris. "I was gonna tell you what an important nigh this is, but I can see in your faces ... you all get it." Yeah, they get it, Chris. 4 chicks. 3 roses. We've all played musical chairs. No face reads necessary.
• Shayne with the #1 draft pick again. Don't telegraph it or anything, Matt.
• Also, nice touch, Lamas with the whispery "hiieeeee."
• Meeps had a hell of a face rocking before that rose got her smiling.
• Harrison is laying it DOWN tonight. The pause between "ladies" and "Matt" was his best ever!
• Ouch, Noelle. I didn't see it coming. And judging from your eye roll, neither did you.
  
• Who IS this Noelle girl? She's all hot and cute and reasonable and normal. I was joking before but now I really might move to Loveland.
• Nice. My favorite somber song is back. Feel the sadness in the limo, people. Feel it.
• Noelle is a revolutionary! Wasn't it this time last year that we were saying goodbye to Hillary? And this year Noelle is "taking the blame to an extent"? I love this girl.
• Matt says "that was exceptionally hard." Easy, Matt. She still isn't crying. Roll the Hillary tape and see if you want to re-assess the difficulty of Noelle's farewell.
• Next week, in Matt's words, we're going to "Barbaydawss". Not Barbados, mind you. Barbaydawss.
• Oh and apparently Matt and Shayne get "sexy" ... and Chelsea seriously does not like holding hands. Big time.
  

Looking forward to some hard core arm linking next week in Barbaydawss!

Oh and a little shout out to "Old West Photos" in Durango. It's a must see next time you're in Durango. I'm serious.

And finally, shamelessly, click on any of these little links below if you're so inclined. It'll maybe get a few new readers to the bloggy here. Onwards and upwards, ya know?

Save to Del.icio.us

The Bachelor Diaries, London Calling, Week 5

Sorry for the delay ... Busy day yesterday with some computer troubles. ANYWAY (copyright Chuck Klosterman), just to make sure we're all on the same page ... I should probably mention that this is a now recurring segment (renewed for a 2nd season!) where I watch the glory that is the ABC reality show The Bachelor and then record my snarky comments about the episode onto this here blog thingy. That's all there is to it. With that said ...

I remember the preview of this episode now. I think we get what Dave and I now refer to as a "clap fight" in this episode. I'll explain later. Let's get to it.

• Ah, yes, another sleepy meeting with casually dressed Chris Harrison.
  
• Wow, they woke up fast at the idea of Sun Valley. Wait, Lamas already has an f'ing jacket? She's crazy, but I think I've decided I really like her. She actually acts like a 22 year old. Which she is. And so is Robin. See the difference?
  
• Matt drops maybe the first "amazing" of the season. Maybe he's coming into his bachelordom finally?
• Oh no! No! Spontaneous snowball fight! No! Oh this is just too much! Don't throw Noelle in the snow! Oh, no, she's doused. She's doused and covered and doused in snow! Look out, Marshana, you're going to be doused! Oh, you weren't fast enough! Oh that is just so much snow! These Brits and just crazy! Wait, no they're not.
  
• Is Marshana's cute routine for real? "Actually it was quite sexy because I do like being close to him." Did she mean to say that?
• You know what sucks? So many of our characters from this season are gone. I'm not gonna say I miss Ashleelee, but I really do miss Stevie Nicks. She would have been doused in snow and DRUNK. And I would have loved it.
• Onto the one on one date with Chelsea, "I'm sorry I believe I ordered a LARGE cappuccino. Campbell's Cup-o-ccino." Mike Myers, anyone? No?
• If Chelsea were to define herself via human touching, apparently it's "the arm link, that's me." Hand holding is out of the question.
  
• In case you missed it, Marshanna said "Ah-tollllljyooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" when the "hit the slopes" group date was announced. Yikes.
• Is Matt auditioning for skinny Santa? Calm those rosy cheeks down, bro.
• Chelsea says "you put me in a romantic situation, I'll embrace it." I think she meant to say "I'll link arms with it."
• The first self-made fantasy suite card in Bachelor history. What's next? The girls announcing the final rose in unison with Harrison? Actually, that would rule. Let's do that.
• 3 skiers, 2 snowboarders. Keep it spicy, kids.
• Marshana's never been skiing before. Let's just say I'm not surprised. Also, Matt, it's not "snow plow" any more, dude. It's "pizza" and "french fries" and as we all know, if you french fry when you want to pizza, you're gonna have a bad time. Too much french fry, Marshana.
• Lamas can snowboard. I really am coming around on this girl. Although, that is some seriously pink lipstick, girl.
• So Lamas asks of Robin ... "You wanna be known as the one that always interrupts the dates?" I really think that's EXACTLY what Robin wants.
  
• Little Brit-ism for everyone ... Matt says "one to one date", not "one on one date". Although that brings up an interesting question about that George Michael song "I Want Your Sex". Doesn't he say "sex is best when it's one on one"? Isn't he Brittish? Is sex NOT best when it's "one TO one"? What's that you say? Couldn't have brought up a more random tangent? Agreed. What do you want me to do though? Robin and Matt are going on and on about family.
  
• There's a theme to this episode ... uncoordinated females! Noelle is not much of an ice skater. Wait, was she sand bagging? She's really movin' all of a sudden. Dump her, Matt! She's gonna hustle you, ice skating style!
• Okay, so this massive fight started with Robin saying "uh, hey Marshana, you kinda sorta haven't seen how he lives, right? I mean, this isn't exactly normal day to day stuff here. Cameras and all and pre-planned dates. Right?" Marshana: "NO! I played rugby! I swam! I KNOW how Matt lives! You will NOT misquote me! I will not have it. I will not have it. I will not have it. I will not have it. I will not have it. I will not have it. I will not have it. I will not have it. I will not have it."
• Okay, the claps are coming out. Clap fight time. The clap fight, as far as I can tell is a big up and coming trend in reality TV. And here's how it works. Let's say you're on a reality show. Doesn't matter what show it is, one rule across the board is, you can't hit anyone else on the show. So, if you get in a confrontation with someone and you sorta kinda want to intimidate them, what you do is you clap your hands sort of aggressively in their general direction. Sound ridiculous? It is! Which is why it's awesome. Check out this minute of footage for some of the best clap fighting ever. Jameka and Dick from Big Bro 8 knew how to do it.
  
• Matt says he has "a lot" of feelings for Noelle? Are these good feelings? Bad ones? Or is it just a mish-mash of feelings: happy, sad, angry, hungry, flustered, sneezy.
• Harrison bails on his game again by saying "most dramatic rose ceremony YET" instead of "ever." I think that settles it. Even ABC has conceded that the Hillary rose ceremony is the king of all ceremonies.
• Did Noelle and Matt kiss? I really wasn't paying attention and don't seem to care.
• Marshana is a weird conversationalist. She randomly shifts from seemingly laid back, sorta nice girl to full-on-pageant-queen i-have-a-big-vocabulary-girl to i'm vulnerable and cute mode to "I have the absolute right to defend myself" girl. I would have no idea how to handle her swings during a convo with her.
• In other news, Chelsea really goes for the, uh, open mouth kiss. Yowza. I guess she's trying to make up for her arm linking intimacy issues er somethin'.
  
• I just found myself my new MySpace quote: "Call it what you will, honey, but I sleep ... EVERY night. And I'll drink to that." Thanks, Marshana. Also worth noting, this may be the first thing Marshana and I have in common. I too sleep every night Marshana. Maybe we could get along after all.
• As if the quote wasn't random enough, it seems the quote was a direct response to Robin saying "Well, I guess your logic is impenetrable." Firstly, nice choice of words. Secondly, Marshana is now officially nuts. "This girl's going to sarcastically imply that I'm illogical? Oh yeah? Well, I'll have you know that I sleep EVERY night. Suck on that, Robin."
• Holy crap, please please please pick Lamas. Cuz then we get to meet Lorenzo next week. And maybe Lorenzo will bring out the laser pointer and point it at Matt's crazy cheeks.
• Matt, also, I don't know if you're ready, but if you pick Lamas, her 17 year old sister is gonna make you fall in love with ... her. Not so much Lamas herself, but Lamas' 17 year lobbyist sibling. Some strong words about love and caring from Shayne's sister is what you'll be getting ... but only if you pick Lamas. So pick her.
• Anyone else notice the two-handed handshake Matt laid on Harrison? Made me a little uncomfortable.
• Shocker: Matt finds family important. Great speech, Matt. Really.
• Jackpot, we will have Lorenzo on the Bachelor next week.
• No meeps from Meeps this week. How disappointing.
• Woah. Marshana drops one of the most pained faces I've ever seen during the ceremony. With all that sleep, you figure she could perk up a bit.
• Meeps snags the final rose and look out for the wraith of Robin. That 22-year old is gonna kill someone. I'd run out of that room, too, Chris.
• Marshana goes out in some kind of impressive fashion as she does the awkward Tom Cruise / Oprah two-hand clench instead of a hug, then slips on her way out of the room, and then reminds everyone how she took an elbow to the face for Matt.
• Robin, on the other hand, switches to French and goes for the one-hand hand shake. And then killed a bunch of squirrels with her eyes outside. She's evil.
  

Seriously, I couldn't be more excited for Lorenzo. What else do we need? Apparently we need Meeps' Mom fondling Matt's nipple. Wow.

And finally, shamelessly, click on these three little links below if you're so inclined. It'll maybe get a few new readers to the bloggy here. Onwards and upwards, ya know?

Save to Del.icio.us

Kristen Wiig Rules The World

Take some time to understand how much Wiig is owning this season of SNL:


Kristin Wiig's Hot Air Balloon Commercial from SNL from Chris Harris on Vimeo.

I love the Internet

So I've decided I'm a fan of Twitter.  If you're on Facebook or MySpace, you probably know what a status update is.  Well Twitter is pretty much a social networking site where all you do is post status updates.  The cool thing is that your status updates are archived.  So after a while, your Twitter page sorta acts like a mini-blog or mini-journal depending on how active you are. And if you snag some active Twitter friends, it's pretty good times if you're into that sorta social networking interwebbing stuff.

follow me on Twitter

So now that I'm so Twitter friendly, I found myself having 3 different places where I might like to make a status update.  Let's just call it a hassle.  If only there was one place where you could initiate a status update across multiple sites at one time?  Well looky what I found:

Hellotxt.com allows you to update your status across Twitter, the space, the face and more with just one click.  Who knew you could be so social whilst being so lazy?

Lake Powell Mustache Challenge 2008

So some of us are headed for the lake near the end of April and we've decided the mustache challenge is on.

It's pretty simple: arrive on the boat with a mustache and only a mustache.

The way I see it:

• A mustache is a mustache.
• A goatee is not a mustache.
• A beard is not a mustache.
• A mustache and a soul patch is not a mustache.
• This is definitely not a mustache.

Fellas, if you're coming on the houseboat this year, get growin'.  You'll be up against something resembling this:

The Bachelor Diaries, London Calling, Week 4

Just to make sure we're all on the same page ... I should probably mention that this is a now recurring segment (renewed for a 2nd season!) where I watch the glory that is the ABC reality show The Bachelor and then record my snarky comments about the episode onto this here blog thingy. That's all there is to it. With that said ...

Is it wrong that it's week 4 and I still feel like there are girls that I know pretty much nothing about? Let's solve this problem. Teach me, ABC. Who ARE these girls? Teach me!

• How early in the morning is it when purple-shirted Harrison is laying down the law? These girls look sleepy, right?
• "Perfect match", tennis racquets, tennis balls ... I'm guessing the date involves attendance of a WWE event.
• Tennis date!? Oh! Man, I did NOT see that coming!
• What the Hell? Lamas can walk on her hands for days. The girl is unendingly bizarre.
• Ooh, I think we just got a glimpse of another one of Robin's chronic-crying-confessionals. I think the CCC may be my favorite element of this season so far. I'm glad it's back.
  
• Ashleelee is horrifying. Horrifying. She may have a laugh worse than Jenni's. And I think she channeled Avril for 2 seconds during her horrible song just before switching back to full on country singer/songwriter BS. Ugh.
• Hey, Kelly. Have a drink. Have 8. A non-drunk Kelly is not a Kelly that I'm interested in. Wait. Is she drunk? She just said "care-uh-less".
• Lamas is really winning me over this week. Telling Robin that group Robin bashing sessions are gonna be an hourly event ... Into it. Triggering a CCC ... way into it.
• More CCC gold: "It is what it is. A rose is a rose. [Terrifying non-smile.]" I love you, Lamas and Chelsea. You really bring the best out of Robin's confessionals.
  
• Yes! DrunKelly talking directly to Meeps: "You are a raging slut." (Kudos to my roommate Dave for picking up on someone else randomly saying "whore" just as Kelly says "slut". Play it back if you can. Good times.)
• Okay, so let's ask. What triggers the meeps for Meeps? Apparently the '50s really put her at ease.
• Huh. So Pissed Earth loses it when she sees the crock pot. I watched her whole diatribe about "digging deep" and "really liking Matt" and I gotta say, I had no reaction. It was as though she was reading me a random page from the 2006 almanac.
• I've been trying to think of a sports analogy that resembles Holly vs. Pissed Earth and I've got nothing. There's no match up. Children's Book Author from Suffield, Ohio vs. Fashion Designer from NY. Girl that went on the fake movie premiere date vs. the girl that busted her lip while playing rugby. It's like comparing apples and skyscrapers. There's no comparison. Whoever wins, it's gonna be a blow out.
• Note to the ladies: when a guy says "you've done a lot to seriously impress me", you're not getting the rose.
  
• This just in. My previous note ... was totally wrong. My jaw is on the floor. He went with Marshana. Apparently Matt is just looking to be impressed by a lady he's courting. Seriously impressed.
• The girls in the house agree. Marshana over Holly is a jaw dropper. Or in DrunKelly speak: "That is ... something crazy."
  
• I'll say it. I don't like how Matt walks. That's probably a weird thing to say, but I don't care. I miss Big Swayze. I even miss Chad.
• You know in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, when they're in the cab and Cameron sees Ferris' dad, and Cameron clenches up his lips and mouth? Ashleelee makes me do that. I strongly dislike her.
• Woah! What just happened? DrunKelly just pulled out her boobs for no reason. She also said something that sounded like "nose her not!" Then she almost fell off the couch. I think that's about all I'm gonna get from Drunky. I'll miss her.
• I should probably comment on Marshana's outfit, right? But I really don't have to. Just look at it.
• Ashleelee misses out on a golden opportunity to sing "I just want him to want me." But inexplicably she just speaks it. Then DrunKelly sasses Meeps for meeping. Solid segue into commercial overall.
• Matt is an enigma wrapped in a riddle which is then stuffed into some kind of puzzle sack. He chooses Noelle over Ashleelee. Do we know anything at all about Noelle? I say nay.
• On the other hand, Ashleelee's horrific horrific final song which eventually fizzled into Shatner-style spoken word poetry reminds me that I love Matt because now I never have to hear Ashleelee laugh or sing/talk again.
• Sincerely, I'll miss you, DrunKelly / Stevie Nicks. I couldn't agree more with your final assessment: "Matt, you know, you're cool and all, but you're not the best." Translation: we all miss Big Swayze.

Next week, Harrison lays it down. "The most shocking confrontation in Bachelor history." I'm pretty sure Marshana pulls out an angry aggressive clap. Remind me to cover what Dave and I call "clap fighting" next week.