Oh, I should probably mention that this is a now recurring segment (renewed for a 2nd season!) where I watch the glory that is the ABC reality show The Bachelor and then record my snarky comments about the episode onto this here blog thingy. That's all there is to it. With that said ...
- Early signs point to an 85% chance of cat claws tonight.
- Holly lands the shameless promo date. Movie premiere of Made of Honor featuring non-Brit Patrick Dempsey. His name certainly sounds British though.
- Why did Holly and Matt switch seats during the limo ride? Do these 'razzi have any idea who these people are?
- Ok, what is this f'ing sham!? The fake red carpet gag blows. Are we meant to believe they actually put that concrete somewhere? Holy crap the whole thing was COMPLETELY set up?
- On top of everything they get to watch a movie all by themselves? And it's Mann's Chinese? Pretty much one of my dreams. I've never started a Bachelor episode so angry.
- Hey, jerks, say "Made of Honor" a few more times AFTER the commercial break. I hate Matt, Holly, Harrison, Dempsey, everyone.
- Let's ride this hate train. Holly, I don't like your dress. There, I said it.
- Are they giving Shayne the Barbara Walters filter on her confessionals? Does she look blurry to anyone else?
- Well, we have our answer as to what happened to the concrete. It's been turned into cat claws fodder after they delivered it to the girls' house. So they can all talk crap about Holly. Well played, ABC.
- So there's a girl from Loveland. And another from Niceville. What's next, Enchantmantown? Lustberg? Hugsandkissesopolis? Ok, that's probably enough.
- Physical challenge date? Who's having fond flashbacks to what's her name when she sprained her ankle on the tires? That girl could teach these girls a few things about having your eye on the prize.
- Aw, Niceville, you're just not cut out for this crazy crazy game. You stay sweet, Meeps.
- Holly has a spray tanner? I'll say it: the most amazing spray tan in Bachelor history. Side question: why did Shayne go bottomless but not topless?
- Chelsea calling out Ashleelee Sobieski's fake eyelashes? I'm way into it. I think I like Chelsea.
- Hey, Pissed Earth, I know what will help fix your cut lip. Run away from everyone, get down on the ground and stay doubled over on your knees and rock back and forth. Don't ask for a medic or ice or anything.
- I'll say it ahead of time. I think Shayne is going down.
- "I have a great surprise for the girls and I can't wait to give it to them ..." Who's on the edge of their seat? Aw, man, massages!? That's it?
- To quote Rob and Big, "Do work, Kelly." Man, girl is into giving massages.
- Okay, this is honestly the first time I remember seeing LeAnn Rimes since episode 1.
- Did Matt spend the entire night date in a "jumpah" and Adidas warm up pants? Big Swayze would be ashamed.
- I am a huge fan of Kelly when she's drunk. Tell me everything that comes into your mind, Stevie Nicks. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies!
- Hey, Shayne, where are you from again? Oh yeah, Malibu. Your outfit didn't make it obvious AT ALL.
- WHAT?! Shayne's dad is Lorenzo f'ing Lamas? I can't even dream of a better answer. We're talking Lorenzo Lamas, the guy with the "imperfection laser" from that American Idol for Hotness show. You remember that show? If not, have a look. This girl has issues, Matt. Run for the hills, dude.
- Shayne's fab five: cars, shoes (Oh. My God.), hand bags, sunglasses, watches. I mean I'm sold. This girl's clearly in it for love.
- This is what she actually said: "I forgot about the rose until I sawll it on the table. And when I sawll it, I was just like, my stomach just dropped." I guess we'll just have to seell if Matt gives here the rose. My guess is we'll be seelling Shayne head back to Malibull.
- Well I guess the spray tan paid off. Shayne gets a rose. And as it turns out, roses are her favorite flowall.
- So, tell me if I'm wrong here, but I think Chelsea's dress is saying "look directly at my chest". I'm right, right?
- I've heard it three times and I'm still not sure. Pissed Earth is saying "I think it's time someone buzzed Robin up?" Is that right? Buzz her up?
- I love LeAnn Rimes. She finally gets to say something on the show and all she does is drop an f-bomb. Good times.
- Drops of wisdom from Robin: "Tsh. What!? Marriage doesn't work like that - it's marriage. [Insane laughter]" I couldn't agree more.
- Dude, Matt has got Holly, Robin and Chelsea completely WRAPPED, right? I leave Shayne out because I don't think she really even cares. And because she's Lorenzo Lamall's daughter. (You see what I did there? It's not gonna get old.)
- Meeps! You did it. He likes the music you do!
- Ugh. I DON'T like Ashleelee Sobieski. I do not.
- Noelle, you've been rewarded for being the only "like, real" girl here. Congratulations. You're similar to real and that's clearly what Matt's looking for.
- So we lose LeAnn, the girl with the mole (how did I forget she was the hot dog vendor?) and girl, interrupted (aka Amy).
- Unbelievable. My billionth rose ceremony and I still feel bad for these girls. Every f'ing time. Damn you, Bachelor formatting! Damn you! You're gonna find love, LeAnn. Don't stop believin'!
Oh, and don't miss Shayne Lamas in "Endless Bummer". Out later this year! I'm off to Fandango.
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