The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 5

In the words of Bill O'Reilly ... F it. We'll do it live! We'll do it LIVE! Tonight features Brad's worst Oprah impression, the most awkward and insensitive date in Bachelor history (that's me saying that, not Harrison) and more freak outs from pretty much everyone involved. Freak out!

• Things you learn while watching live - schools are closed in Denver. All of them. But that doesn't stop ABC from scrolling every school name in existence across the ticker. Seems like this data would be pretty well convyed via a website.
• "The dreaded 2-on-1 date" ... how great is it that they advertise the date as horrible. Guaranteed.
• Your first destination on this journey ... is a town roughly 5 hours away by car that I bet you've all visited on your own. Please freak out like they're sending you to Dubai.
• I'm amazed they could craft all these shots of Aria and City Center in Vegas without featuring any of the cranes and construction that is entirely on hold all around their casino.
• Hey look, everyone. It's Marissa. She like sports! And she's still on the show. Crazy on both counts, right?
• As if "... end tonight with a bang" wasn't forward enough, I hope Shawntel N's card said "Let's 'N' tonight with a bang." Nothing pairs better than puns AND sexual innuendo.
• Brad has traded in his hoodie for a vest. Count me not into it.
• Shawntel describes her shopping spree as "little kids in a candy shop ... or adults in a mall ... yeah, that's probably more accurate."
• Brad's "this is yours" routine really could have been better.
• Kudos to the producers ... show and tell after the shopping spree ... I'm surprised no one has been thrown through one of those giant plate glass windows.
• Brad is "fascinated" with embalming. Really, Brad? Really?
• So many quotes from this date: "Where would this leakage occur?" "Think of all our orifices." "I'm gonna have to meet Peaches."
• Oh I get it. They N'ded the night with a bang ... cuz fireworks make sounds. Good one, ABC.
• It's time for some serious Ashley on Ashley violence via the 2-on-1 date, but first let's get awkward.
• I take it back. Let's not get awkward. This is too horrible to even comment on.
• Holy crap, Emily is the greatest female ever (next to my mom and sister of course). She prefaced her story about her husband's death with "I don't want you to think I'm ungrateful."
• And then she drives the car! And likes it! How does Brad not take her to the final 2 after this?
• Even Michelle has put her hate away for this one. Maybe she does have a soul.
• Oh boy. Alli just stamped her ticket to H-E-double-hockey-sticks with 4 words: "We all have problems."
• This date is about ... feelings. Unfunny feelings.
• Oh wait, Michelle put her sole away, bashed the other girls and made the move on Brad. We're back.
• Did anyone else notice the Ashleys perfectly matched their steps coming out of their room? What the H. Distinguish yourselves, ladies! Distinguish yourselves!
• Brad is going to make Ashley perform again? First Seal and now performing in Vegas. She's the one girl where non-date days are more fun than date days.
• I think Ashley just said "perfact." BTW I've stopped trying to differentiate them ... since they have too.
• Now that they're on wires, I'm suddenly wishing Michelle was on this date.
• I know what would calm these ladies' nerves before they perform in front of 2,000 people and then potentially get sent home: dinner!
• And the loser is ... Ashley. Awww, that makes Ashley the winner! Congratulations and sorry, Ashley.
• Ashley: "I feel like I just got punched in the stomach ... and the heart." I think I saw that move in Enter The Dragon.
• Today's therapy take-away: Brad's therapist has a wired land line phone! Was there a bigger message I should have received?
• Living in a Subway-free town, I feel like these $5 foot long Subway commercials are punching me in the face ... and the heart.
• Now Chantel is bitching about Emily's alone time ... do these girls not understand the situation? Imagine if Shawntel was a widow whose husband died at a mall. Do you think they'd get it then? Too far? Fine, I'm sorry. There's just not a ton to work with on this ep.
• Hey, Britt! I miss you. Hi, Britt. Hey there.
• So wait ... does Michelle think these other girls are right for Brad? Or no? She's very wishy washy.
• Can a lady help me out with these new commercials for Beyaz ... is this that other product I remember called Yaz? And now it's decided to be ... yaz? Beyaz? Is it like when a caterpillar turns into a butterfly? Except with birth control?
• Do you think Brad still reads all of Marissa's little notes even after not giving her a rose? Do you think each note has a fun fact about sports? Marissa likes sports!
• And the other person that didn't get a rose was someone named Lisa. Lisa ... you won't be missed. Woops -- will ... will be missed! What'd I say, won't? Wow.
• The walk out of the gigantic hotel room, down the hallway, into the elevator, down the elevator, through the casino, into the lobby and into the parking area is probably a lot longer than the walk out of the Malibu house ... just a guess.

Next week: somewhere to actually get excited about - Costa Rica! It means rich coast in English. It also means Michelle's giant boobs in Polish and awkward looking cliff dive in Mandarin. And apparently Michelle gets to hang out with her own kind in a later episode: sharks! (See cuz she's mean ... and can't get cancer.) Until next week.

Luke's Top Albums of 2010

Podcasts continually play a larger part in my listening life (only 1,107 songs auditioned in 2010 vs. 1,712 in 2009), but my tune time this year yielded some great biz. If you missed out on my 2009 picks, click here.

Albums I Missed From 2009

Ghostland Observatory - Papparazzi Lighting. I caught these guys in concert a few weeks ago and that was the final push I needed to really appreciate this album. I like last.fm's description of them: "They are not a band, but an agreement between two friends to create something that not only heals their beat-driven hearts, but pleases their rock ‘n roll souls."

Pretty Lights - Filling Up The Skies, Vol. 2. This DJ out of Denver is really popular among snowboarders and skiers around Aspen and rightfully so. Just check out "Finally Moving Remix" and I think you'll get it. Or better yet go shred Aspen Mountain on a snowboard while listening to this and you'll really get it.

Ra Ra Riot - The Rhumb Line. Nothing too deep to say here other than this is a compilation of very catch tunes. My fav is "Each Year."

With that, let's get to the meat of 2010 ordered into tiers of Untouchables, Must Haves, and Gold Plated Diapers

2010 Untouchables

If you don't have these albums, you're only hurting yourself. You're basically kicking yourself in the shin continuously until you own and listen to these albums.

The Tallest Man on Earth - Everything He's Ever Put Out. That's not the name of an album, but really you should just go get everything that the man known as Kristian Matsson has put out. Some have compared him to Bob Dylan, but I don't think that's fair to TMoE at all after Dylan's Grammy performance. Oh and if you get a chance to see him live, it's a must see show. There are no options.

Kings of Leon - Come Around Sundown. My favorite band of the last 5 years puts out an album every 2 years it seems ... which contributes heavily to my ongoing like for the KoL. Some have ripped this album for being "stadium rock" and not as hard as their previous albums. Whatever the mood or the genre is ... here's my take. If KoL albums were mountain ranges, this album is a nice 10,000 foot plateau as opposed to a series of 14,000 foot jagged peaks. The whole album is great.

Local Natives - Gorilla Manor. This LA band likes to sing "oh woah" a lot ... and it plays every time. Take the first track for instance ... As I said in a tweet earlier this year ... "The first 40 seconds of every song wishes it was as good as this one."

Must Haves

Get these too. Let's stop fooling around.

Bear Hands - Golden EP. I saw these guys open for We Were Promised Jetpacks and, wow, these 4 dudes from Brooklyn lay it down. Fun fact: their lead singer hangs out stage right while their bass player (who doesn't do vocals) gets the front and center spot. It plays.

Ben Rector - Into The Morning. Another discovery via opener. Ben opened for Mr. Dave Barnes and wouldn't ya know it he has some great singer/songwriter tunes. And he's hilarious. Here's video evidence captured via my Flip cam.

Dave Barnes - What We Want, What We Get. Yaaaaaaay Barnes is back. Easily one of my favorite singer/songwriters of the last decade - his previous album kinda/sorta missed the mark with me ... but not this one. "Barnes killed it tonight."

Mayer Hawthorne - A Strange Arrangement. The third "opener" on the list. I caught this guy open for John Mayer over NYE in Vegas and enjoyed myself a lot, but not nearly as much as when I saw them later at the Mile High Music Festival. He's a white guy that pretty much writes Motown songs ... and I welcome all of them.

Tokyo Police Club - Champ. This album opens strong with 2 songs that start with the word "Favourite" and they even work in a 3rd unnecessary "ou" word with "Colour" on track 2. Rock. Indie. I'm not quite sure how to categorize these guys outside of really good.

Gold Plated Diapers

The best of the rest.

Frightened Rabbit - The Winter of Mixed Drinks. Can you believe the list went this long without having a Scottish (correction) band? Well the wait's over. FR is back with another set of hits ... not as hitty as their previous album, but hitty nonetheless.

Mumford & Sons - Sign No More. I initially thought this guy's voice sounded exactly like that of Mr. Dave Matthews ... and then I realized "hey, no matter who this guy sounds like, there is some great music being played behind/by him." And then the whole world realized the same thing ... well maybe not the Dave Matthews part.

The Silver Seas - High Society and Chateau Revenge! Mr. Dave Barnes (previously mentioned in this blog) turned me onto these cats and these are 2 albums of catchy/poppy tunes. To answer the question posed in one of their best songs "What's The Drawback?" None. There is no drawback.

Sleigh Bells - Treats. This band is pretty far off my usual genre radar, but something about super bassy beats mixed with girls singing about whether or not they forgot their sunglasses works.

Spoon - Transference. Maybe the most indie predictable album on this list, but I can't leave it off. Slowly complicated building progressions of Who Makes Your Money and I Saw The Light need to be heard.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 4

Let's slide this catch up session into home.

• Someone should ask Dr. Drew how one would get a black eye in the middle of the night. Someone make a note for later.
• As Ando pointed out earlier ... there are two words to describe Harrison's opening appearance tonight: cardigan fail.
• Chantal at the start of their date: "I'm getting picked up on a helicopter! How cool is that!?" F You, Chantal. You can go straight to hell til you die.
• Congratulations, producers on finding the ugliest, most lifeless plot of ocean in existence.
• 
• How is that none of Chantal's over abundance of blush has rubbed off on Brad's beige hoodie?
• Back at the homestead, Michelle is developing an Ali/Vienna complex with Chantal. The "I don't see how he can like me if he also likes her" complex makes very little sense in my tiny male brain.
• Finally a sneak peek into what actually goes on at Loveline. If you want a *real* peek, this is a wonderful video.
• Can't believe Mike is getting no love on this segment. Mike wore a pink tie and looked super serious throughout!
• 
• I'm giggling thinking of the typical Loveline calls that probably sandwiched all these heartfelt words from Brad that the girls drooled all over.
• This just in. Brad loves hoodies.
• Britt makes her move. She played The Bachelor like you're supposed to play Survivor. Fly low under the radar as long as possible ... and then pounce. She's sly.
• Look out, Michelle. Brad's here for your date. And he's wearing a hoodie.
• I bet Michelle wakes up every day and does this routine, but says something else: "Now, this whole house ... sucks. I can do anything annoying. I hate my housemates. I hate everything. I hate my Chantal. I hate my black eye. I hate talking about everyone other than me. I like my hair. I like my hair cuts. I hate this whole ... HOUSSSSSE! My whole house ... sucks. I can do anything annoying. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah."
• I'm a little excited to watch Michelle squirm during her repelling date.
• A Point Break quote comes to mind: "Some guys snort for it, other guys shoot a vein ... all you gotta do is jump."
• So the "babe" barrier has been broken thanks to adrenaline and a whole lotta rope. Great.
• PS I think that was Michelle and Brad's first kiss. Where are the fireworks, Michelle? Where are they!?!?
• Today's "bingo" session -- er, therapy session reveals the following: get it on!!! Gotta get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandate: get it on.
• This is the worst cocktail party ever. I've spent the majority of it trying to remember the Twitter handles Patton Oswalt was raving about on Simmons' podcast. The gist I'm getting is that ladies are having a tough time feeling special and unique? Probably has to do with 10 of you trying to date the same dude.
• Uh oh. The bad ties are creeping back. On the bright side: no hoodie!
• 
• It must be a special kind of torture to share a first name on this show. "Ashleyyyyyyyyyy S." "Oh! So close!"
• Ashley H gets the rose instead of Horrible Shoes, Stacey and that Lindsay chick. Freak outs can pay off, ladies.

Next week, we rehash a lame segment from last season: forcefully putting people in live theatre! And we rehash a segment from this episode: excessive crying! Can't wait.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 3

It's worth mentioning that the primary advertiser if you watch The Bachelor on ABC.com is Dr. Scholl's Custom Fit Orthotic Inserts. Are there a lot of guys and gals with flat feet that LOVE manufactured love and psychology-experiment-driven drama? Marketing continues to amaze me.

• Tonight on The Bachelor - more movie making fun. How jealous is Jake Pavelka right now?
• Also worth mentioning that Ando has been doing his research and makes a decent case for Hot Mom being a plant.
• Don't miss Hot Mom's blockbuster movie out soon! Featuring the worst tag line ever: "With Love, There Are Always Second Chances." Also in the running were "With Cheeseburgers, There Are Always Second Chances" and "With Death, There Are Always Second Chances."
• And REALLY don't miss her Twitter picture.
• 
• Ashley gets the first date this week and the honor of trying to look comfortable in the convertible whilst her hair flies absolutely everywhere.
• What's great about having to not only sing on the most pressure-filled date of your life is that you have to do it IN FRONT of a bunch of random MUSIC ENGINEERS and the song they chose for you is insanely difficult to sing ... AND they're going to bring in the actual singer to rub it in your face later.
• AND they both have shit for rhythm.
• Fun fact about Seal: he loves Aspen and visits often. I look forward to murdering Kiss From a Rose for him at Karaoke some day soon.
• Another fun fact: Ashley was ten when Kiss From a Rose came out. Ten! Ten years OLD!
• Date card says "Love Hurts." I'm guessing you're going to be taking turns kicking each other in the crotch. Or laying on beds of nails. Or maybe it was just a dumb cliche that the producers continue feel compelled to use and has nothing to do with pain at all.
• Group date time. The fun thing about episode 3 is you still swear this is your first time seeing some of these ladies. Sarah P ... did they sneak you into the show just for this scene?
• "Steven Ho: Action Director" ... I'm using that title at the next random party I'm at.
• Also, the fake camera cross hairs and timing clock are adding NOTHING to these scenes. What's even better is I guarantee that had to put this crap back in in post.
• 
• Someone please shut Hot Mom up. We get it. You don't like group dates. Stop explaining it in ridiculously stupid and timely ways.
• Did they just do a SECOND confessional where Michelle described fireworks during her and Swayze's first kiss? F this show. And Hot Mom.
• Chantal O's daddy confession paired with Ashley's ... was there a question on The Bachelor app that explicitly asked "How long has it been since you've seen your real father?" and they only accepted answers that were 5 years or greater?
• The make out session after the daddy confession is a strong move ... by Brad and Chantel both.
• Speaking of confessionals, it's time for Emily to send me straight to hell. Honestly I'm surprised I'm still typing right now.
• Okay really strike me down now. This is the saddest story ever. I need to go listen to "I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't" to cheer up.
• Shawntel the dark horse is my new girl. I'm pulling for you, young lady.
• If I were to name someone Chantal, I think I'd go with ... Shantall? Chauwntehlle? Schwaun'taull? I think every girl in the country could be named Psh'e'ntoh'll and we could never have a repeat spelling.
• Holy crap, there's a typo in their shitty fake movie poster.
• 
• Time for Emily's date and the first thing Brad does is put her on a plane. Maybe I'll have a partner on my way to my eternity of burning.
• Actually that was the second thing Brad did. The first and third things he did were mess up Emily's hair thoroughly via two convertible rides. He hates well sculpted hair.
• Meanwhile, Vampire is having a bad day. But hey at least her skin isn't smoking while sitting out by the pool. It's also not shining like diamonds. Lesson learned: Twilight and True Blood are full of s.
• Wow Emily is down to earth and likeable. Really wow. Super crazy wow.
• And the other girls really are right about her likeness.
• My take away from Brad's shrink session: "Bingo." Wise words, sir. Wise words.
• More insanely wise words ... this time from Brad: "I'm gonna use tonight's cocktail party ... to talk to these ladies." You know what Brad is? He's an innovator.
• Chantal wears way too much make up. Not to be confused with Shawntel ... who is still my dark horse and has perfected the art of make up ... relatively.
• My dislike for Michelle has been upgraded to ... severe.
• I don't remember any convos like Vampire's and Ashley H's in previous seasons ... where both parties basically agree to not give/receive roses later. Bizarre.
• Hey Britt! Look at you. Your face made it onto this episode! Awesome.
• Hmmm, the rose ceremony is starting and there are 2 breaks left. Prepare for drama.
• And go. Vampire takes her exit. Back to modeling and odd dental choices I guess?
• Now ABC.com is showing commercials for The Bachelor ... during The Bachelor. Maybe they read my snark about the Dr. Scholl's ads?
• PS it seems pretty damn likely that Brad's possible final hug of the show is with Emily ... based on the fact that she's the only Barbie-haired girl left.
• Someone named Lindsey just got a rose. I love episode 3.
• Horrible Shoes again! Big Swayze is killing me.

Next episode, Dr. Drew and my boy Psycho Mike in the hizzzzzy! So stoked. And Ashley H attempts her best stalker Hot Mom routine. Jiggins.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 2

2 episodes in one night. I'm on a Brad Bender. A Swayze Streak. A Harrison Happenstance. Shoulda stopped at 2? I agree. I'm open to other better alliteration injected synonyms for streak.

• I think Harrison was wearing acid washed jeans. Or maybe his jeans' parents were acid washed jeans.
• This is the look of a girl that isn't going on the one on one date ... and a possible murderer-to-be. Ashley on Ashley crime is becoming a real problem in this country.
• 
• I like that Brad felt the need to point out "we're at a carnival" after turning on the lights. Until then, I was pretty certain it was a library.
• In addition to learning a lot about himself in the last 3 years, Brad also learned a lot about not wearing horrible suits and ties. That's real growth right there, ladies.
• I'm excited to watch Hot Mom slowly melt down over the course of 3 or 4 episodes. It'll be like Natalie Portman in Black Swan. Except without all the violent nail clipping scenes.
• "One thing you should know about me is that I can't have a conversation without tilting my head to one side." -Ashley
• 
• Tonight on The Bachelor: the most dramatic, crescendo-filled ferris wheel kiss ever.
• Alli's title is "Apparel Merchant"? That means she works at Forever 21 or Hot Topic, right?
• Melissa has already mentioned quitting her job twice on this episode alone. Her eventual demise might be on the level of Hillary.
• Wow, Hot Mom, your 30th birthday kinda sucked compared to mine.
• Thank God for the cat sound effects when the girls were slapping each other. Otherwise I would have had no idea these 2 ladies were in a cat fight.
• I kind of like Britt. "I'm a big ol' prude - ehahaha."
• So Michelle stomps off and Brad says "If there's a problem, I'm going to address it. Check out the hook while my DJ assesses it." Or at least he said the first part.
• Meltdown #1: The Melissa Chronicles has begun. "You're acting like a 21-year-old!!" "I am seriously a 32-year-old talking to a 21-year-old right now!"
• Aaaaaand Meltdown #2: Hot Mom Hot Mess has also begun.
• 
• Jackie actually kinda makes me feel like I'm talking to a 21 year old ... or a 13 year old. Seriously she's still in Junior High, right?
• Oh no. The Hollywood Bowl. What sad sap of a performer is going to awkwardly perform for them? I hope it's Bieber ... or Miley Cyrus ... for Jackie's sake. Kids these days.
• Ugh, it's Train ... and not the cool Train from the One and a Half days. Would it kill them to play Sweet Rain?
• "The first night, let's face it. It was a little awkward." Big Swayze speaks the truth, people.
• I think Melissa and Raichel need to bone and get this over with. And maybe get into a hot wax fight after ... or during.
• Wait a minute. Horrible Shoes is still in the running? Come on, Brad.
• Seriously how are both Melissa and Raichel crying? You can't both be the victim, right?
• Speaking of victims, Ali and Roberto! Someone take a picture of Roberto before he starts sweating. And get a snap of Ali before she changes into something yellow!
• Congratulations to Sarah for getting a rose on the 2nd episode while somehow simultaneously making her first appearance of the season!
• I don't know why, but I'm pulling for Raichel. Team Man-scaper!
• PS I think Chantel N. is a real dark horse for going far this season.
• Horrible Shoes makes it to episode 3? Come ON, Brad!
• Yay, Britt! Boo, Raichel and Melissa! Just like paper beats rock, prude beats drama.
• Melissa, if you say "target" one more time, I'm going to make you talk to a 21 year-old.

Next week, more fun with movie making! And something short of fun with music making. Save us, Seal! And my one-way ticket to Hell gets triple-stamped as Emily tells us more about her husband. Awesome.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 1

Well, better late than never, right? I don't know how I kept myself away from my favorite bachelor ever for this long ... there must be something in the air up here in Aspen.

Y'all know that Brad = Big Swayze, right? Just making sure.

Onto the ep ...

• Let's get our recap on! How did Harrison avoid hyperbole when mentioning the end of Swayze's last season? "One of the most controversial finales in Bachelor history?" One of them? We're off to a rocky start, Chris.
• Swayze has lost some weight, yeah? Not as Big Swayze? Slightly Smaller Swayze? Three Quarter Swayze?
• We're one break in and I've had enough of Brad with his shirt off to last me all season.
• So far so good, Brad. Your first choice is a dentist that spends her time talking to statues in the park. Status of Ben Franklin no less.
• AND she likes to have fun. Shocking!
• Chantal O? More like Shakey O. Heyoooooooooo! (Rhymes with shakey o.)
• So wait ... Madison is a real vampire? How is this not a bigger story?
• Emily's husband was a race car driver named Ricky? C'mon now. Don't make me say it.
• As if Brad and Harrison's interview wasn't already awkward enough, here come Jenni (aka the over laugher) and DeAnna (Nugs, Jesse. Blow it up.)
• Chris' interview skills remain top notch: "DeAnna, what was the worst part about that final episode of The Bachelor?" The man sleeps and breathes awkwardness.
• "Walls" count is at 3 ... in this segment alone.
• Listening to DeAnna and Jenni, my support of Brad's double dumping is stronger than it ever was before. Dis. Like.
• Chantal opens the season with an impromptu slap? No way that s was a) real or b) unprovoked by the producers or c) amped up in post.
• Meghan, your shoes are the worst thing I've ever seen. And I know the definition of hyperbole. And I'm a guy.
• Ugh, I dislike the vampire more than Meghan's shoes ... maybe.
• I can already barely watch Big Swayze and his insane nervous sandwich ... and then Jackie requests a pinky swear. And Brad grants her request.
• When what's-her-name rolled down the window and "beckoned" Brad over, I wondered how no other girl had done that before. Then I realized how lame it is.
• Is it possible J (the birthday girl) is a normal, cool, non-weird, non-nervous chick?
• Keltie's teeth weird me out. And she's on the season with the vampire.
• Strapless dress adjustment count during Brad's opening speech: 3.
• Brad ends his speech with the phrase "Collective Toast." Aren't they playing night 2 at Coachella?
• If this "have you changed" montage is any indication, I'm not surprised that the first bachelor/bachelorette nights typically approach sunrise before they're done. Brad hasn't said "walls" in long time though so he's got that going for him.
• Ashley S drops about 1.5 "like's" per sentence.
• "2 weird things about me. 1) I'm a 'man-scaper' and 2) there's an 'i' in my name." -Raichel
• 
• Jackie, no. No singing, Jackie. No. Not. Nil. No.
• Another thing I can't believe hasn't happened in the previous 14 seasons ... the "Can I steal you?" show down. Well played, Alli, Renee and that other girl.
• "It's better to be home alone than to be home and wish you were alone." I think Emily just said something actually a little profound. No way she learned that from Ricky Bobby.
• This is why they re-cast Brad: "the girl has fangs."
• Chris just rang the wine glass buzzer. Not looking good for my girl, J.
• I think Michelle aka Hot Mom aka "I'm a woman, not a little girl" is going a long way on this show.
• "The girl has fangs" and a rose ... and just bit Swayze. I'm confused more than anything.
• The man-scaper, Brad? Really?
• Keltie gets a rose too? Brad has a thing for weird teeth - both vampire and normal human.
• "Brad. Ladies. The majority of you have admitted to watching the show and Brad's already been on the damn show before. It's never been more apparent that you all know what I'm about to say ... so really what's the point?"
• Shakey O gets the final rose. Lesson learned: slapping pays, ladies!!
• Oh, J. I knew so little of you. Not even an exit interview. May you live on in normal, non-weirdness in my mind.

The best 3 words in television ... "this season on." The first season ever with no helicopter rides!! Just kidding. I counted at least 3. PS my prediction about Hot Mom is looking good ... black eye and all. And it looks like we learn that vampires don't actually cry tears of blood. Finally the truth! And Seal! Seal caps off "the most controversial season of The Bachelor ever." We're back, baby.