The Bachelor Diaries, London Calling, Week 1

Whatup. I should probably mention that this is a now recurring segment (renewed for a 2nd season!) where I watch the glory that is the ABC reality show The Bachelor and then record my snarky comments about the episode onto this here blog thingy. That's all there is to it. With that said ...

It's opening night. Time for 25 girls to pull out all the stops to impress some dude that they can't possibly like in such a short time frame. Be on the lookout for the girl with the incredibly embarrassing talent and the girl that drinks wayyyyy too much wine. Way too much.

• It's called "London Calling" cuz the band The Clash (who's British - natch) wrote a song called "London Calling" and the bachelor this year is from England. Shocker. I would have gone with "The Bachelor: Fivel Goes West". Fits the whole concept of the show better. Except that the bachelor is named Matt, not Fivel. Details.
  
• This just in: Matt wears skinny ties! And he says "cheers!" He's more British than your mind can comprehend.
• Chris Harrison looks crazy wide in his jacket. Check your stylist, Chris.
• "Up next: the first international bachelor tells all." A) I don't buy it. I bet he leaves something out. B) What does that even mean?
• I can't believe they haven't described Matt as "the most interNATIONAL bachelor EVER." Also I think there's nickname potential there. T-MIBE? Mibe (pronounced mibby)? We'll see.
  
• What the F? Brits don't say puh-taw-toh? They say tuh-maw-toh but not puh-taw-toh? My whole world just spun like a top. Can we get a fact checker on this?
• Is this fireside chat taking forever? Wrap it up, Chris. Wrrrrrapitup!
• So apparently they teach nannies from Stockton, CA how to twirl and get their hand kissed.
• Is LeAnn Rimes on this show? Nope. It's Kristine, the 32 year old. Seriously, though, it's really LeAnn in the worst disguise ever.
• Get started on that wine, girls. Know your role.
• Does the director of the show have a foot fetish? I've seen a lot of feet tonight.
• Erin, the girl with the "place holder" ring ... can we just boot her now? Harrison, get in here. I need some sort of anti-rose to give to this girl.
  
• Denise is a "former Bush aide". I assume that's code for unemployed? So now she just sits around and laments all the coverage that Hillary and Obama are getting?
• Wow, there are some first impression girls as far as I'm concerned: Kelly and Robin. Deng.
  
• Ashlee the singer/songwriter is here to give LeAnn a run for her money. And she just did the most amazing eye clinch/knee bend/fist clench ever.
• Law student from Vegas. Does that even make sense?
• Okay, Holly, seriously woah. She's a children's book author?! What is this world we live in?
• Hey Matt, apparently they don't like it when you say "San Fran".
• Carri is from Oklahoma and she's in "church marketing". And I though Vegas law student was confusing.
  
• OMG. Stacy already has me uttering horrible gutteral noises. I think she moaned along with the kiss on the cheek. Just ugh.
• Where are you from, Michele R.? Laguna Beach? No no no no. Laguna Niguel wherever the hell that is.
• How come some girls get this crazy music queue when they get out of the car? Is there some kind of hidden code here? Is JJ Abrams directing this episode?
• Tube station? Picadilly line? We get it, Matt. You're British. Enough.
• He's YOUNGER than me!? F.
• Bring in the funky soundtrack for Chris' presentation of the first impression rose. Just comedy.
• Okay, flowered dress girl. No way she gets a rose.
• Dammit. Matt really really got me with "I only arm wrestle women. Pregnant women." I really wanted to not like this guy for some reason. Big Swayze, you're still the King! I'll never stray.
• Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand there we have it. Strange talent is not arm wrestling. It's shredding aluminum cans with your mouth.
• Miss Earth New York? Rock-paper-scissors champion? Are girls just making crap up at this point?
• 6'5" and the British accent? These girls have no chance.
• Okay so this just happened. Clarinet girl says "it has to be wet in order to vibrate" and then my dogs start barking at absolutely nothing. Hel-LO!
• Also, future contestants of this show. KILL. The talents. Just talk to the dude and touch his arm and all that.
  
• First hyperbole of the season: "wildest party in bachelor history." It's good to be home.
• Kudos to Erin S. for calling Stacy a "nutbag".
• Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Stacy is the girl that drank wayyyyyyyyyyy too much wine.
• The Stacy montage is one for the ages. Go find it and watch it.
• Wait a minute. Erin H. just put some tube of something sorta into her armpit boob area. What's going on? You girls got secret pockets in your dresses now or what?
• Man, Stacy's drunk talk is RULING! "I want to find a pharmaceutical that will cure something that no one has thought of." You can't write this crap. She's going to invent a disease that no one's ever thought of. And then immediately cure it. Get that girl a rose!
• Stacy's so drunk that they've assigned a rover to her. All of her activities will be captured on camera, rest assured.
  
• It's so ridiculous that I feel I don't even need to mention it. You saw it. I saw it. We all saw it. But I think I'd be remiss in not mentioning it. Tramp stamp. It's the most appropriate one ever.
• Not surprising: we've lost Stacy to a pass out. Surprising: she seems to have found some random single bed with no sheets on it to pass out on. The mystery of this show knows no bounds.
  
• Hey Matt, it's the first impression rose, not the first girl out of the limos rose.
• "Up next: Matt faces the most difficult decision of his life." Just breathe it in, people.
• Not a good sign if they show your face at the start of the rose ceremony and I don't remember you ... at all. Which just happened with about 3 girls.
• It's look alike night. I just realized singer/song writer looks like LeeLee Sobieski.
• Classic classic move. Miss Earth NY gets a rose. You know what I'm talking about. And if you don't, ask Adam Carolla.
• Church marketing / aluminum can devourer gets a rose. Matt's starting to come down from that arm wrestling joke.
• LeAnn Rimes is in! Matt loves the look alikes.
• Yeah! My top 3 go 3 in a row. Robin, Kelly and Holly. Good work, you tall asshole.
• Holy crap. Is Stacy even at the ceremony? Oh. Nevermind, they finally just showed her.
• Oh flowered dress, I'm sorry. I could have saved you some heartache if you asked me about your chances earlier.
• Stacy's final ... look ... I guess we'll call it. Either that or ... insane drunk face. F'ing priceless.

As for "this season on the bachelor" ... woah. Just woah. Girls are in it to win it. Plus lots of indoor sunglass wearing it seems. Also Miss Earth NY is not at peace with her fellow earthly females. More like ... PISSED Earth NY. Oh ho ho ho ho. Oh no. Oh I went there. Oh. Oh goodness. Okay.

The Bachelor, London Calling. It's on.