The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 5

It feels like it's been a long time since last week. (Yawp.) Why is that? (Yawp.) OMG I forgot this is the f'ing Hillary freak out week (Yawp.) Let's do this. (Yawp.)

• Bettina scores the one on one date. These girls hide nothing with their faces. At all.
• Brad says Bettina's smart? Present your case, Brad, cuz I don't see it.
• "Just this time with you is just. It's like .... whew." So smart, that Bettina.
• For the record, wine drinker: Sheena. Beer drinker: Hillary.
• Are people able to have real conversations with that gondola dude rowing the boat right behind you? Assuming of course that the camera man and team of producers doesn't disrupt anything.
• Allow me to insert my own hyperbole regarding the pool party. It's the bikini-est pool party in Bachelor history. It's the slippiest and slidiest pool party ever!
• I have a DVR, I'm sure this is what was said by Hillary during her bleep fest: "... take my clothes off. And like bend me over ... [blurred mouth] ... take me from behind. And like slap my ass a couple times ... [something that I'm sure is really dirty that I can't make out] and then call it a day."
• Thank you, Bachelor, for letting us know that Hillary loses it in 40 minutes. Makes everything Brad says to her right now that much more awesome.
• Brad: "I wonder if it's too good of friends."
• Hillary: "I can see in his eyes that there's a chemistry there."
• Awesome.
• More awesome: Hillary waving insanely as Brad checks for the kiss clearance with DeAnna Poppapotopolinopolis. He goes for the elbow to elbow touch instead. Worthy substitute if you ask me. Newnan!
  
• OK, Kristy is definitely the other to go, right? I'd give 2 to 1 odds.
• Ugh. Baby talk from Sheena. Gross.
• Is Brad's shirt with the crazy upper back design cool?
• I just realized who Brad looks like and I'm pissed. Click for some screen shots from my favorite movie ever: 1 - 2 - 3. Now if I can just get Brad to say "I'm not gonna paddle to New Zealand!"
  
• Well played on the fall, Sheena. Nothing more you can do there.
• This really might be the best episode ever. Straight out of Chris Harrison's mouth: "It's the most shocking goodbye ever ... when Hillary loses her mind." I don't need to write anything when the show is pumping out content like this.
• The Chad likes Sheena which weighs heavily with the Brad. The Chad [Fast forward to the 0:59 mark].
• I think Brad and Sheena's date might have been the most boring, surprise-filled date ever.
• How ironic, Jenni plays the "not here for the right reasons" card on Bettina. How the tables have turned.
  
• I think Bettina just killed a fairy with the daggers her eyes threw at Sheena's earrings she got from Brad.
  
• No. No no. No poems. Moles on your arm? Oh no. It's still going. It ended with "fun." Brad's keeping it. Maybe Sheena learned something from Ryan (of Ryan and Tristan fame). Sheena's the new dark horse maybe.
  
• Jenni? Rachel Ray? Same person?
• I think "just" might be the "amazing" of this season. We'll see about keeping a count next ep.
• Prepare for mind loss. Oh it's horrible.
• "You follow me?" No, Brad, she doesn't. Let's transcribe what you just said. "I have to say that I absolutely love the fact that I am such a good friend and that I don't get so ner -- You know what I mean? I feel so comfortable. So, um, we have had just something a little different. And and that's -- again, I am shooting straight with you and that's what's so confusing about this whole entire process." No one follows you.
  
• From Hillary: "I get butterflies in my stomach." "You could also be a great husband to me." "You make me so happy." She's really following you, Brad.
  
• Brace yourselves: "I hope [this dress] reminds him of a wedding dress and how pretty I'll look in a wedding dress." -Hillary just before her mind explodes
  
• Side note: Hill's cleave really got burned at that pool party.
• How great would it be if Chris just gave Kristy the boot before Brad came down. Is there any doubt at all? Kristy may be the most sure fire boot ever.
• Snapple. Here it comes. He's going to say "Bettina". Just run, Hillary. Run!
• I really don't empathize with our bachelor here. Nervous Brad is a snapper. [Snap - snap - snap]
• Basically Hillary got a big dose of the friend zone. And I remember a crazier departure. At least she didn't need the paramedics.
• I'm sure your dad's still proud of you, Hillary. No matter how crazy you are.
  

Next week, the families are priceless as usual. Shots in Georgia and judgment in DC. I think it's Jenni and DeAnna, final two for sure.