The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 3

We're back after the Yankees fall and Dallas wins one of the craziest games EVER. Take that, Chris Harrison.

• "This week on The Bachelor" ... Don't forget, everyone, sexiest bachelor ever! It's your world, Chris.
• Amazingly we're only in store for the most shocking party in bachelor history. Apparently even ABC has to admit that the history of the world has produced more shocking parties than a party featuring not one, but TWO twins! TWO! This is crazy times!
  
• Lindsey says she has to "step SOMEthing up" during the circus group date. Is she talking more on the lines of personality or ... skirt?
  
• I remember the first time I got to interact with an elephant. I said the same thing about the elephant as Sarah did. "Is she really outgoing?" Yes, Sarah, she's also very didactic and quixotic.
  
• Easy, over-laugher Jenni. Let's worry about dating long distance after Womack cuts 11 more girls.
• Brad's twin looks nothing like him. It needs to be said.
• "Yep" count during Brad's talk with McCarten: 4. And yep, it really was that awkward.
• Lindsey's Michigan accent is getting to me. "Graybbed." "Bayck."
• Hillary's loner jewelry: $1 Million. Watching Jade, Sheena and DeAnna react to Hillary's open flirting: priceless.
• Oh my. Hillary's eye twitch. Oh. The forehead vein, the tears and the red face are nice too. I'm going to Hell, right? Okay.
• Little regional dialect for everyone. East coast: Jimmies. West coast: sprinkles. Somehow I already knew this. More evidence of the useless info my brain holds onto.
• "Yep" count during Brad's talk with Cristy: 2.
• Ugh. Solisa. Just ugh. Apparently shaking her butt really fast is the only thing she knows how to do. Just ugh.
• Oh snap, cat fight! McCarten and DeAnna are 1) straight up witches, 2) catty and 3) have their cat claws out. They also both have 2 capital letters in their first names with no spaces.
• Wow, we actually do have a first in Bachelor history. What happens at the rose ceremony after you're busted by the Coast Guard? We'll see if Sheena makes it.
• Bettina's bomb drop "shocks" Brad. See, ABC? That really is shocking. Twin switch ... not so much. I think they mean most conniving cocktail party ever. Or tricky. Or schemey.
• Wait! ABC did some research. Turns out this is the most shocking party ever after all.
• Look, it's entirely possible I have no sense of style. With that said, another horrible tie Brad/Brad's twin.
• "Chad, I have a favor to ask. I see that you've styled your hair and grown your beard just like me and that you've flown out to LA from Texas and we're on camera and you're wearing the exact same f'ing suit, shirt and tie as me. Now that I've noticed that, I just had an idea that the producers did not plan out ahead of time. What if you go into this party and act like you're me?!" Honestly, ABC, just do your bit.
• Let's say it. Brad and ... Chad? C'mon, Womack parents.
• OK, I realize I make fun of what people say a lot and they're under pressure and on camera and not exactly themselves, but check this out. Just before Chad, Brad's twin brother, is about to go into a party and pretend like he's Brad. Brad says this to Chad: "I think if anybody can do it, you can." He actually said that shit!
• They actually don't know it's him. Maybe this is the most shocking party ever. I honestly have no idea what this means.
• Holy crap, Sheena. Thank you. I'd be freaked out and maybe crying a little bit too if I just hugged a complete stranger.
• OMG! Sarah doesn't realize it's Chad and effectively says "It's not you. It's me."
• Stephy with make up on and Stephy with make up off reminds me of "bad lighting girl" from Seinfeld.
• Woah! McCarten's decision room photo is horrible. Ticket. Hell. Me. Yes. One way.
• Contrast and compare.
  
• Jenni. Wow. Cocktail dress.
• It's official. Brad digs dangerous chicks wanted by the Coast Guard. Almost dying on a wave runner really paid off, Sheena.
• Aaaaaand Bettina's chin is almost enveloped by her neck when she gets the final rose.
• So long, Solisa. Your special parts will not be missed.
  

Next week: Love in a helicopter! Living it up when we're going doooown. Aerosmith? No? Okay. You're right.