The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 10

Well I decided to take a couple weeks off to contemplate just how much of a badass Big Swayze really is. I think I'm now ready for "After the Final Rose". (Side note: shouldn't they technically change the name of this particular episode? I know it's typically called "The Bachelor: After the Final Rose" but in this case, there was no final rose so it should probably be called "The Bachelor: After the Final Beat Down" or "The Bachelor: After Straight Up Double Rejection" or "The Bachelor: Big Swayze Rules The Bachelor and All Previous Bachelors" or "The Bachelor: HowdoyoulikemeNOW?!".) In all seriousness though, I give props to the Brad for realizing he didn't really feel it like he expected to with either girl so he cut them loose. Granted he probably could have just dated one of them, but he decided not to ... and I think that's a pretty decent decision. ANYWAY (copyright Chuck Klosterman), here we go with the final diary of the season.

• Chris Harrison nailed it right at the start. "Brad remains the bachelor." That's really what it's all about, right? You just can't ask Big Swayze to change the essence of his being. He is ... The Bachelor. (Another side note: this ending suddenly reminds of the end to one of the greatest reality shows ever called "The Player" in which each episode ended with a girl saying to her rejected dude with a completely straight face: "Don't hate the player. Hate the game." It was epic. Anyway, with a tag line like that, you can imagine there were some real dudes on this show. And because the show was called "The Player", when this girl chose her final guy (ergo, the ultimate player), he was then given a choice between the chick he'd been competing for for months ... or an SUV. AND HE TOOK THE SUV! I mean he really was ... THE Player. It was awesome. Oh and did I mention that Boston Rob from Survivor left "the players" voicemail messages and called himself "The Playah Operaytah". MAN, that show ruled! What? You didn't see it. Oh. Okay. Well at least get a taste of how great this show as by checking out the theme song here.)
• Let's start the show off with ... completely random clapping. It went like this:
• Crowd cheers as Chris enters.
• Crowd simmers.
  
• Harrison goes "Yes, we have a lot to talk about, don't we?"
• Crowd erupts into cheer again similar to when Dr. Phil says the most obvious thing ever and gets raving applause from his audience. "Well maybe you shouldn't scream profanities and sexist comments at your wife when you're at the mall," says Dr. Phil. Crowd goes f'ing nuts. No shit, Dr. Phil. You're really forging new boundaries and deserve said applause, moron. Hate Dr. Phil.
  
• I've already gone off on three tangents and we're like 5 minutes into the show. Yikes.
• "Possibly the most shocking ending ever," Chris? Possibly? This guy really chokes in the playoffs, am I right?
• First public appearance as a family for Trista and co. Really? They've been locked in the house with blackout shades since the birth?
• Holy crap Byron and Crazy Mary are still together? And she even said crazy twice right off the bat. Was I the only one that called her Crazy Mary? Cuz she was crazy.
• Here's Jenni. I'm ready for at least 8 awkward laughs and more crack interviewing skills from Harrison.
• Yep, I still can't handle her. Thanks, flashback. "Southern gentleman is so my type. HAHAHAHAHA." Gah!
• So I know for certain that Jenni was already back to living with her old boyfriend when she filmed this. And she's all cry time while watching the flashbacks? Really?
• Okay, that's awesome. Jenni didn't know about the double rejection til we all did. The Bachelor is shrouded in secrecy.
• Huh? Jenni and Brad's relationship was built on respect and sincerity? I thought it was built on nervous over-laughing and quick commitments to overnight dates.
• Jenni's Grandma, props. Cool chica right there.
• Newnan's accent is really kickin' tonight.
  
• Aw, man, the elbow nudge didn't make it into the flashback. That was the apex of their relationship as far as I'm concerned.
  
• I noticed that Brad said "I can't look you in your eye and tell you 'I love you.'" Which eye specifically do you think he had in mind?
• Dang, Newnan is gonna reign down fire on Swayze. She's pissed.
• Man, 10 weeks later and it's still like it happened yesterday for Newnan. Torch carrier, that one.
• Dude! How awesome would it be if they pulled the Chad switch again?
• Dang. That would have been great. Can I say "best suit Brad has worn all season?"
  
• Great job, ABC, loading that audience with pissed women. They f'ing groaned when Swayze said he was disappointed with the result as well.
• Judging from Swayze's comments, it's basically the most public case of "he's just not that into you" ever.
  
• Wow, Harrison is actually asking good questions here. Why buy the ring? Do you feel like a jerk? Solid work, sir.
• The shots of the crowd have no price.
  
• Wait, there's pissed dudes in the crowd too. "Burn him! He's a witch! Burn hiiiiim!"
• Keep in mind that, thanks to the Johnjay and Rich intel (see my last blog entry), we know that Jenni is living with her pre-Bachelor boyfriend during the filming of this thing. And she is f'ing grilling the dude. Such bullshit. Booooo, Jenni. Boooooo.
  
• I'm behind Brad all the way. He chose not to string either of them along ... and now they're pissed. I think it's a lose/lose for him.
• I'll say it again, Newnan. He's just not that into you.
• Brad is a stud. This is an f'ing firing squad and the dude is representing.
  
• "What now for Brad Womack?" asks Harrison. Look out, Larry King.
• Can Byron or someone give Brad a hug? Dude's a stand up guy and deserves some backers here.
• Ok, I can't stress this enough. If you still have this episode on your Tivo, roll it back and check out the last question during the credits. The girl that says "Does this mean Brad is still single?" After she says that, she transforms into some kind of maniacal rabbit. Dave and I watched it 4 times over cuz it was that crazy.

Well, kids, it's been real. It's been fun. It hasn't been real fun. ... Nah, I'm just kidding Greatest Bachelor season ever! Greatest bachelor ever! I'm looking forward to the next round in the spring. Until then, if you ever miss Big Swayze, just pop in Point Break. Pop in Point Break anyway. So good.

The Bachelor Diaries, Addendum

I do plan on doing a diary on the "After the Final Rose".  I'm getting there.

In the mean time, Jenni has been on a Phoenix radio show a couple times since it all went down.

Listen to her by going here and looking for "Jenni Croft" and "Jenni from The Bachelor".  There's some pretty amazing stuff in her radio interviews including:

• She is now BACK with the dude she broke up with just before going on the Bachelor.
• Moreover she pretty much went on The Bachelor BECAUSE this dude broke up with her.
• Moreover, the dude picked her up from the airport as she returned from The Bachelor and now they f'ing live together in Phx and she claims that she is just head over heels.
• Moreover she claims not a single girl of the final 3 sealed the deal with Big Swayze?  Can you believe that snizzle?
• Moreover is the whole world taking crazy pills?!

Otherwise, check her skills here:

The Funniest Commercial on TV - Vol. 4

If you ask me.

The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 9

Well, hard to believe it was only 8 episodes ago that I had no idea how annoying Jenni's laugh is. Before we start, I'm going with Newnan. I think Big Swayze is gonna go curveball on us.

• "And then, it's the moment we've all been waiting for." Don't you dare speak for me, Chris Harrison. You lost me on your back slide last week.
• "Get ready for the most dramatic finale in Bachelor history." Just hush, Chris. You had me at "THE".
• Big Swayze really couldn't look more like Lil' Swayze. It's like they're the same person.
  
• Nice duck walk from Swayze as he walks Newnan into the room.
• "Are you expecting a proposal?" asks Mama Swayze. "Oh absolutely." Newnan starts strong, but immediately follows with "not so much expecting one, hoping for one." Good effort at least. You tried.
• She looks like friggin' Poe though compared to Swayze who drops this piece of knowledge on little bro Wes and the Chad: "Uh, she's good, huh?" Such a sweet talker, that Brad. He's like a magician with words.
• Holy shit. The whole family does the "yawps" before Jenni's arrival. 5 "yawps" from the 4 of them in about 20 seconds.
• F Jenni!
• "Have you told Brad that you loved him?" -Mama
• "I have not. HAHAHAHAHAHA." -Guess who
• There was tons more horrible laughter from Jenni during this segment, but I was too busy vomiting to get it all down here.
• For the record, Wes can NOT throw a football.
• Plotting out the 1st through the 6th time that you leave the toilet seat up. That's true love right there.
• Newnan is making a real strong play as far as what she says, but how she says it is always a little ... straight forward for me. Right? She just seems a little robotic at times, no?
• Did I just see a commercial where a talking dog announced a sale that begins at 4am? Black Friday is out of control.
• Jenni goes for the water works and takes the lead I gotta figure.
• Holy crap a journal. She's fully in the lead.
  
• She also hasn't laughed once all night. Which has been totally awesome!
• Does he trim his beard every day to keep it at that length? Or does he shave all the way down and then they just film him only on every 3rd or 4th day?
• Uh oh, he didn't go to Jared's. If TV has taught me anything, that's a bad thing.
• Brad's tie sucks if you ask me.
• Jenni's out of the limo first. Probably NOT good news for the laugher.
• Aaaaaaand the music pauses and she's out ... They both handled it pretty damn well I think. Very respectable break up as far as nationally broadcast reality TV goes.
• Weird. Why did Brad line up stage left for Jenni and then line up stage right for Newnan? Did the producers actually put thought into this? They've never had me more interested.
• DUDE! Harrison was not f'ing around! Drama! What is Swayze doing?! He's gonna dump 'em both?!
• Swayze is a complete STUD! He dropped 'em both! Most dramatic finale in Bachelor history. Believe it, people!
• Here's a question. Does he keep the ring?
• Oh yeah, drop that TUNE I like. So appropriate.
• F-bomb in the limo from Newnan. Scorned, y'all.
• Here's another question. Did he have to ask permission to drop them both? Or did he spring that on the crew as it happened?
• An oh-so-appropriate Point Break quote comes to mind: "Yeah, I know man. Ain't it wild? That's what makes it so interesting. You can do what you want, and make up your own rules. Why be a servant to the Bachelor, when you can be it's master?" (The previous quote may not be 100% accurate.)
  

Dang, y'all. The drama continues tomorrow night after the final (lack of a) rose. We'll see you then. If ABC can get another hour out of this, I can get another few bullet points.

A deeply philosophical discussion about "The Hills"

Look, I'm not the only one talking about this so back off! All right, fine, it's deplorable, but I'm posting about "The Hills" anyway.

Seriously, though I really am curious about the questions I ask in the following chat.

(3:04:59 PM) Ando: dude did you watch the hills this week?
(3:05:02 PM) Ando: i know it's fake
(3:05:08 PM) Luke: nah
(3:05:10 PM) Ando: but i actually scooted to the edge of my seat
(3:05:12 PM) Luke: i'm weeks behind on the hills
(3:05:16 PM) Luke: give it to me
(3:05:21 PM) Luke: i don't see myself catching up any time soon
(3:05:25 PM) Ando: heidi and lauren talk
(3:05:29 PM) Ando: heidi apologizes
(3:05:32 PM) Ando: lauren gives it to her
(3:05:37 PM) Ando: heidi continues to apologize
(3:05:55 PM) Ando: lauren says "it's time to forgive and forget. i want to forgive you...and i want to forget you."
(3:06:02 PM) Ando: cue sad chick music as heid walks out
(3:06:12 PM) Luke: awesome
(3:06:22 PM) Luke: can i seriously ask the following question
(3:06:32 PM) Luke: what is the truth on this whole sex tape thing?
(3:06:39 PM) Luke: is there a sex tape?
(3:06:46 PM) Luke: was the rumor real? or a fake rumor?
(3:07:07 PM) Luke: and assuming the tape never existed, what's so bad about a rumor about a sex tape that doesn't exist?
(3:07:38 PM) Ando: all excellent questions... the last one is the real one for me. like if i ever had a moment alone with lauren, that's what i'd ask her
(3:07:49 PM) Ando: she said to heidi, 'you have no idea how bad it got'
(3:07:53 PM) Ando: how bad could it be?
(3:07:55 PM) Ando: i'm totally curious
(3:09:18 PM) Luke: yeah, people rioting outside your apt?
(3:09:24 PM) Luke: throwing eggs and yelling at 3am
(3:09:30 PM) Luke: "seeeeeeex taaaaaaaaaape!"
(3:09:35 PM) Luke: "raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
(3:09:42 PM) Luke: it's laughable
(3:10:09 PM) Luke: but hey, lauren, you certainly set up the plot for season 3 so, kudos on that avenue
(3:13:32 PM) Ando: wow, just read that
(3:13:34 PM) Ando: i'm LAUGHING

The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 8

It's time for "The Women Tell All" on The Bachelor. There's really nothing I can predict about this show other than a strong dose of the Harrison. This week on The Bachelor, it's the most Chris Harrison ever ... plus cat claws! Bonus!

• Be ready. The Chad will be involved.
• 3 of the ladies either didn't know where the camera was or chose not to look at it during their intro. Weird.
  
• Hillary just jumps straight to crazy. "I think he's hotter than David Beckham!" C'mon, Hillary. What's next? Weeping uncontrollably for no reason on a good first date? Oh wait.
  
• Holy crap. Bettina's like a used car? Brad has to kick the tires to see if she still works? Hillary (the original "cat claws" girl) has some damn sharp claws herself.
  
• I just realized that this episode and the last one will unquestionably go down as my two least manly blog entries ever. I've said "cat claws" twice already.
• McCarten has some weird rhythm when she talks. "I think that we were more maybe the FORWARD people and the MATURE people because we were able to CONFRONT people to their FACES ..." You can just feel her head nod as she talks.
• Okay, I give up. What exactly is McCarten's deal?! I really only remember her smushy face, but now I hate her immediately.
• Wow, ok, two, wait, three things:
• Hillary does the eye roll / smile / shrug / "oh no I'm in trouble now [wink wink]" waaaaaaay too f'ing much.
• Hillary and Chris executed the most uncomfortable handshake / one arm hug in the history of the world.
• And, Chris, WTF? "One of the most emotional exits we've ever had?" What the hell is up with the back slide? It is THE most emotional exit ever and I will hear nothing less.
• Thanks for the flashback, ABC. The vein, the tears and the giant gonzagas are all back. And so is the sunburn during the most emotional exit ever.
• Tell me you saw the one guy in the whole audience half-clapping as they came back from the flashback! Epic.
• I really didn't think I'd have this much to say about this episode, but here we go:
• Chris' question to Hillary: "What was going through your mind when you didn't get the rose?" That's it? That's what you're curious about? The 10 minutes of uncontrollable crying and hyper-ventilating left you questioning how she felt?
• And as if that wasn't retarded enough, Hillary straight faced answers with the biggest understatement in Bachelor history: "I was upset."
• Just a thrilling dialogue we have going here. I probably shouldn't have expected less considering the handshake-hug.
• Dammit, Chris! "One of the most emotional break downs we've seen?" No! THE most! THE!
• More ground breaking questions for Hillary: "What hurt the most?"  Just a guess here, Chris, but I think it was getting the boot and then having the most emotional exit in Bachelor history.  But good question.
• Can we give Hillary her own TV station like on that movie EDTV? I would watch. I really can't imagine what this basket case's day to day is like.
• What the crap was the music they played as Bettina walked to the hot seat?
• The jump-cut to Bettina's dad in the flashback was AWESOME! I would scream if I woke up and saw that guy staring at me in my bedroom. Or anywhere for that matter.
• Hey, Chris. When you're interviewing someone, it helps to ask questions. "That's gotta be extra tough to watch now" is not a question. F'ing Harrison.
• Sheena says she would have been happy with a date where she was sitting on a towel in a parking lot? Is this a colloquialism that I don't know about? I get what she's trying to say, but towel? Parking lot? What?
• They really need to stop asking Hillary to chime in. She's proven herself to be totally insane. We have nothing to learn from her.
• Did Chris say "jumping at the bit?" Why am I so annoyed? I know I shouldn't be expecting f'ing Frontline here, but dang. (It's chomping at the bit which is why I'm annoyed by the way.)
• Sheena's dress on the first night was horrible. I think it had streamers on it.
• Sheena is a quote machine. "I jumped down the rabbit hole if you will." I think one of her sentences was nothing more than "Gowns, my goodness." I know exactly what you mean, Sheena.
• The Chad can't fool 'em twice! Ya went to the well one too many times, ABC! You tricksters, you.
• I'll say it again. How did they not all recognize the Chad as the Chad? His snaggle tooth jumps off the damn screen.
  
• Thanks for cutting to Hillary's beaming smiling face as Big Swayze comes in. We're one step closer to her own TV station.
• "Two Face" goes with no horrible super dark red lipstick tonight. Good move.
  
• The random cuts to groups of girls in the crowd laughing at Hillary. Priceless. "She didn't know she was in the friend zone! She so crazy! Oh tee hee hee hee hee."
  
• I could have done without Brad's shower scene.
• Harrison for some reason has zero problem just ripping into Hillary.  He's dropped the "friend zone" using sky writing joke, the "Brad has a 'Just Friends'" tattoo joke and the sarcastic "are you sure you don't want to change your mind, Brad" after the replay of Hillary's "ravage" quote.  Dude is ice cold!
• Ladies, if you want to nominate me for The Bachelor, just FYI, the number is 866 739 3150. No! I kid! I kid! And even if I did get chosen, how would I blog my own episodes? I just don't think it would flow. It's the content of the blog I'm really worried about. Call if you want, though. But don't. Or do. Whatever.
• How appropriate. The flashback shows Jenni's first move as she stepped out of the limo. It starts with an "h" and ends with an "a" and has a "a h" in the middle.
• Newnan's first move as she steps out of the limo still makes me cringe with awkwardness. No one likes to pretend like you speaking Latin is interesting.
  
• The booted ladies are at a dead split on who Brad will pick. I'll go with Newnan for no good reason.
  

See you next week where we'll see who has the last laugh. Get it? Cuz you know Jenni laughs a lot so ... it'll be weird if she loses cuz then she can't laugh ... cuz she'll be sad. But then Newnan will probably laugh which will be a total turn of the tables. Anyway, I know one of 'em is gonna laugh ... last. Ok, I'm done.

2 things we can do without considering it's 2007

Item 1: "Tell so-and-so I say hi."

You know what I'm talking about. You're talking to someone. That person says "tell so-and-so I say hi" where so-and-so is some person that you both know. Let me immediately say that I understand that the sentiment behind "tell so-and-so I say hi" is kind at its core. The person is trying to reach out to so-and-so. And that's nice.

With that said, here are my problems with "tell so-and-so I say hi."

1. It's really not that nice if you think about it. If this person really wanted to reach out to so-and-so, this person would contact so-and-so personally. Instead, this person is basically pawning off a chore on you because they probably really don't care to talk to so-and-so.
   
2. It's 2007! It's not like you're passing a "hi" to so-and-so through The Pony Express because there is physically no way for you to get in touch with so-and-so. It's 2007! MySpace. Facebook. Instant Messaging. Texting. Email. Cell phones. The f'ing postal service. These are all options.

All I'm trying to say here is ... if you really want to say "hi", go ahead and say "hi" yourself. I'm sure you've got the means.

Item 2: Hanging up after the beep

You ever check your voicemail and all you get is 1 second of dead air and then a click? This basically means that someone called you, listened to your outgoing message, heard the beep AND THEN chose to hang up. Here are my messages to those who still hang up immediately after the beep:

1. It's 2007! Everyone has caller ID. I know that you called before the voicemail even picked up. If you're just going to hang up after the beep, then go ahead and spare me the process of listening to the click and then deleting the empty message.
2. It's 2007! It's voicemail. It's digital. There is not a cassette recorder sitting on a counter in my kitchen recording your message. Your click is being recorded by a computer in a warehouse somewhere. Even if I wanted to, I am not able to screen your call and listen as you leave your message and then maybe pick up. My chances of answering your call went out the window the moment the voicemail kicked in.
3. It's 2007! Do you possibly not know how voicemail works? Did the beep take you by surprise and then you panicked and frantically hung up?

Keep these things in mind the next time you call someone and feel free to either 1) hang up before the beep or 2) leave a message and say hey.