The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 8

Home town time. Home team time. Huge town team! Go go go.

• Brad's fashion statement this week: Kangol hats. Keep it spicy, Brad.
• Oh it's recap time. Let me guess. Chantal cries. Ashley's mostly a mess. Shawntel is cute. Emily has a daughter. Did I miss anything?
• Chantal: "Today's my hometown date with Brad and I feel just as crazy ... as I did back in Anguilla." She admitted it! She's crazy! (That's how you use an ellipsis, people.)
• Chantal's pets' names are: Jinxy, Bailey and Boca. Boca means mouth. I don't know what to read from that.
• Meeting a woman's father ... also huge. Huge is back. Huge is huge.
• Chantal: "It's really huge to go to [my parents' house] today." Going to houses is huge. I'm learning so much.
• Oh yeah, Ando with the research again. Check out Chantal's dad's biz here.
• If The Bachelor is any indication, I have NOT spent enough time sitting outside with a blanket wrapped around me.
• I just realized that Brad asked Mr. O'Brien if he thinks Chantal is ready to settle down. He does know she was previously married, right?
• Props to Chantal's mom for at least trying to get her forehead to move.
• 
• Brad wakes up in Maine and says to himself, "Wool socks. Check. Flannel. Check. Leather jacket. Check. What's missing? Fingerless gloves. Yes. I need me some fingerless gloves for my visit to Maine."
• Little bit of a contrast between Chantal's family's house and Ashley's family's house. For starters, Ashley's family's house doesn't have 2 giant marble staircases in the foyer.
• Is it weird that I noticed Ashley's sister's teeth before her tattoos? Ashley is a dentist for Pete's sake. This is like a fireman's brother not having smoke detectors. Or a mechanic's brother that hasn't had his oil changed in 6,000 miles. Or a tattoo artist's sister not having any tattoos. Oh. Maybe it sorta makes sense.
  
• So far home town dates are a great success. Michelle must be pissed. I actually kinda miss hearing her negative take on all the other girls.
• Time to get morbid with Shawntel's date. So far the date is very echoey. And casket filled.
  
• Hard for me to deny that I wouldn't be a little weirded out too.
• No date really gets cookin' until someone says "aneurysm hook." ... And we're off!
• I'm confused by the hair colors of the Newton daughters. Is it possible to have natural brunettes and blonds in the same fam?
• There are 2 kinds of houses on this earth. Those with bird cages. And those without.
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• We're 30 seconds into Emily's date and I'm pretty sure it's going to be fair to name this date "Shy Time."
• 10 more minutes have passed ... Shy ... Time. Maybe you should have shaved the beard, Brad.
• Some dates involve aneurysm hooks, others involve games of Candylands. Just depends on the day.
• Weird play from Brad here. Make your move, man. Or call your shrink. Or both.
  
• Emily. So likeable. I get the feeling Brad is gonna blow it with her in the end though.
• I appreciate the Vaseline lens they put on the recaps of all the home town dates. Helps me understand that these are flashbacks.
• Harrison. I just don't know what to say about this outfit.
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• Also I appreciate the color coordination and blinking coordination of the ladies.
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• First rose goes to Ashley. He liked those fries with gravy I guess.
• Holy crap, Chris. Leave us alone! You were just here! Let us miss you a little.
  
• Wow. Shawntel, I'm moving to Chico and I'll lay down on your embalming table any time. Please be gentle with the aneurysm hook. It's my first time.
• Brad, you just sent home Shawntel while Ashley and Chantal remain upstairs. You're aware of this, yes?

Well, another bad decision in the books. We'll see what Brad's able to screw up in South Africa next week!

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 7

Time to play some catch up. What exotic location are they in this week? Oh yeah. Anguilla (pronunciation optional). Get it on!

• Anguilla loves steel drums. Or it's pronounced stayl drums? Stee-ahll drums? Seriously someone figure out how to say Anguilla.
• Holy shit! 4 dates! This is crazy town!
• Can we take Britt on a sandwich date? Or 4? Cuz that girl needs to eat. Did this just happen? Or did it take me this long to notice her Skeletor body?
• Helicopter. Oh joy. Excitement. Thrills. For real, at this point, Brad going on a helicopter should received the same emotional reaction as when he runs out of toothpaste. Or buys cereal at the grocery store. Or moves his left arm. Who really cares.
• Outside of the helicopter ride, Brad and Emily's date involved sitting in one spot on the beach for hours? I guess that's true love?
• Oh, change of venue. Good. Otherwise this date really would have sucked as far as Bachelor dates go. They all have helicopter rides so that's a moot point. No shopping spree? No repelling? Emily should be pissed.
• Word of the day ... is "huge." This adjective can be applied to ... 1 on 1 dates, meeting families, meeting Emily's daughter, Michelle's ego and Britt's appetite. Well maybe not the last one.
• Brad drops the rose guarantee on Emily during the date. Is this a Bachelor first? Where's Harrison when you need him?
• Onto Shawntel's date ... somehow Farmer's Markets make Shawntel "trip out a little bit." Embalming dead bodies on the other hand ... no problem.
• Shawntel's evening date features near-matching purple shirt and dress. I'm gonna say not into it.
• Props to Ando for a sneak peek of Shawntel's family and family business. Apparently Shawntel cut bangs at one point. Bangs are huge. What? Huge doesn't apply here? Damn. I thought I was onto something.
• "We are about to have a concert by none other than Bankie Banx," says Brad. My response: "Huh." If I could cue Bald Bryan's "WHO!?" drop, I'd do so now.
  
• "Probably the most famous singer in Anguilla ... if not the entire Caribbean." Whatever you say, Swayze.
  
• Are the other people at his party paid extras? Where did they all come from?
• I agree with Ando ... Shawntel's super giant tattoo makes for nice symmetry with Brad's super giant tattoo.
• No place to graciously fit this in ... Shawntel's sister did not cut bangs ... and is blond ... and thinks posing on top of bars is huge.
• Onto Britt's date ... swimming out to a yacht sounds like a good time. No, wait. A huge time. Yeah. Swimming out to yachts is huge.
• Michelle says she couldn't even see Brad and Britt being friends on Facebook. Can we just have her host the show at this point? She gets all the confessional time as it is.
• Is this a muscle or a bone? I think Britt might be some sort of anatomical case study.
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• Let's just say ... Britt is not getting the rose guarantee during this date.
• Uh oh. They're playing the somber guitar tune during dinner ... usually reserved for the rose ceremony aftermath.
  
• Oh it's awkward. Brad's honesty is insane. The dude is honest ... and huge. Am I using it right yet?
• "I think it's time to say goodbye. Now let me guide you off the yacht to the rejection boat." Bszzzhhbbbbbbbbbbbbb. (That was my attempt to type out the sound of a outboard motor boat. Trust me it played in my head.)
• Ashley says "I think from here on out, there's going to be a lot of heartbreak." From here on out? Have you or have you not been on the show thus far?
• Hey Ashley, it's 2am. And you're indoors. There's really no need to shield your eyes from the sun.
• 
• In case you missed it on the news stands, here's the end result of the shoot.
• Did they booze Ashley up? Cuz she seems ... uninhibited.
• I believe all Michelle convos go like this. Good times / flirty times -> discussion of some serious flaws in the idea of Brad and Michelle as a couple -> Michelle agrees with the flaws -> Michelle somehow twists the flaws into a positive that Brad totally buys into.
• You know what I like about Ashley most? Her confidence. Her confidence is huge. Still not right? C'mon now!
• Chantal's confidence is also huge.
• Michelle, Emily and Shawntel have this thing locked up. They've maintained their cool all season. How can Brad possibly pick Chantal or Ashley after all this mess? Imagine Brad picking Ashley or Chantal. And then he spends all his days convincing Ashley and Chantal that he actually likes them. No way. That's not the Swayze I know.
• I wouldn't mind talking to Brad's shrink after this disaster of a date. What's the time difference in Anguilla?
• Barefoot cocktail party ... cancelled! Please tell me he sends Chantal home. Please, Brad. Don't make me beg.
• Chantal opened the season by slapping you ... and by my count has spent the rest of the season crying. Real catch, that Chantal.
  
• I can't believe I'm rooting for Michelle.
• Holy crap, the unofficial host of The Bachelor is out. I think the lesson we can all take away here is ... when given the opp to take your top off in a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue photo shoot ... in Anguilla ... while also filming The Bachelor ... you should probably do it. That opportunity is huge.
• I kid I kid!
• Let's hear it for the shortest farewell word count in Bachelor history.

Next episode: let's get creepy in the mortuary! What else could you ask for?

Top 10 Best Shortest Songs of All Time

As I was listening to "King of The Rodeo" by Kings of Leon for the 434th time (literally), I found myself loving the song even more because it's only 2:26 long. They didn't bother taking the song's greatness and bleeding it out for 4:30. Put down the brilliance of the song and then end the song when it's over.

So I ran some numbers and was amazed at home many good short songs there are on my iTunes library.

• 3 stars or better under 3:00 - 334 songs
• 3 stars or better under 2:45 - 208 songs
• 3 stars or better under 2:30 - 131 songs
• 4 stars or better under 2:30 - 32 songs

Wow. Apparently KoL isn't the only band tuned into the short song theory (although they represent a pretty hefty portion of the list).

So let's hand pick the 10 best (limiting the choices to songs on my library and limiting selections to one song per artist).

1. King of The Rodeo - Kings of Leon - 2:26
2. See Through Head - The Hives - 2:22
3. Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois - Sufjan Stevens - 2:09
4. Communion Cups and Someone's Coat - Iron & Wine - 2:03
5. Never Going Back Again - Fleetwood Mac - 2:14
6. Don't Panic - Coldplay - 2:17
7. Jesus On The Radio - Guster - 2:17
8. Ain't No Sunshine - Bill Withers - 2:05
9. Explosivo - Tenacious D - 1:55
10. Tie between My N****z - DMX - 1:05 and B.I.G. Interlude - Notorious B.I.G. - 0:48

Honorable mentions:

• Double Rainbow Song - The Gregory Brothers - 1:31
• Standard Lines - Dashboard Confessional - 2:27
• Lovestain - Jose Gonzalez - 2:17
• Loretta Lee Jones - Langhorne Slim - 2:23
• Hurry Up Let's Go - Shout Out Louds - 2:19
• Rip It Up - Razorlight - 2:25
• Summer Candy - Ben Rector - 2:19
• Nitro (Youth Energy) - The Offspring - 2:27
• Blood and Treasure - Bear Hands
• Natalie's Rap - The Lonely Island - 2:27
• I'm A Cucumber - Brak - 0:21

What'd I miss?

Composed at a bar: The Quintissential 90s Rock Band List

This list was composed by Dan, Zach, Luke and Jill at a bar. And is subject to your judgment.

Live
Pearl Jam
Tool
Nirvana
STP
Sound garden
Bush
NIN
Filter
Rage
Alice in chains
Smashing pumpkins
Green Day
Weezer
Foo Fighters
Marilyn Manson

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 6

Well another week has passed and I've all but forgotten where we are in the season, who's left on the show, etc. Harrison, help me out! Crap. Tivo malfunction during the first 5 minutes of the show. Guess I'll have to fill in the blanks with guesswork. They've all moved from their ridiculously luxurious place in Vegas to a ridiculously luxurious location somewhere else. Hot Mom is still angry at everything in the world except Brad. And Brad has transitioned from hoodies to vests to something else. How'd I do?

• Chantal seems to have landed herself a date.
• There are really still a lot of girls left on this show. Let's get to cutting, Brad. You're slipping.
• Oh boy. A helicopter ride. I can barely contain my excitement. Yay. Wee. Woo. Boring. Lame. Barf.
• Hot Mom just called someone ELSE egotistical ... and Emily NAILED the non-verbal reaction to said comment. Emily scores points even when she's not talking!
• Deep thoughts pre-zip-lining: "I wonder if the rain makes you go faster." Don't hurt your brain too early on the date, Brad.
  
• Chantal knows that Brad himself did not actually set up the picnic himself, right?
• Here's what I've learned today: Brad is unable to discern when it is raining or not. He's asked "IS it raining?" at least twice on this date alone.
• Also Chantal's blue top thingy to white button-up shirt outfit change ... was a downgrade, Brad. You're wrong, sir.
• Confessional time with Hot Mom reveals ... she is a make up wizard, but the wizard took the day off.
• Chantal says "this is by far the best rose." No shit, Chantal. Are you sure the rose on episode 1 or episode 2 wasn't better?
• Group date time! Do you think Brad double checked with the producers to ask if any of the ladies had husbands that died while repelling? After the last group date, I sure would have.
• Michelle actually has a legitimate point. They made a pact and that pact is now broken. Chances this has any effect whatsoever on Michelle's desire to possess Brad's soul: 0.0%
• My top 2 ladies are the 2 that go first and have a great time doing it. I'm proud of Shawntel and Britt ... and me ... for liking them.
• Bathing suit time causes Michelle to swear ... and do it in such a way that I have no idea what she said. I mean I have some idea, but she really could have telegraphed her swear better if she wanted us to know what she said.
• You know how you can be assured you're about to say something bitchy? By saying "I don't say this to be a bitch ... at all." Well played, Michelle.
• Oh boy. Time for some great TV: the bug freak out segment ... which they actually made awesome by transitioning it into Brad and Michelle's OoOT. That was pretty legitimately great. Someone get that editor a raise.
• BTW, OoOT means one on one time. And BTW means by the way.
• Time for Alli's boobs' date -- er, I mean Alli's date. Wow, Alli.
• Did Brad ride up with horses AND mini-horses? Did Rob Dyrdeck co-produce this episode?
• So ... Brad and Alli are NOT getting married during the 59th minute of the 6th episode of the season!? I'm sick of your wordplay, trickery and lies, Brad! You said altar! Altar!
• The Sports Gal says they weren't showing the girls' ages earlier in the season ... but they certainly are now. And Alli is 24 ... a fact which I don't think is helping her case with Brad at this exact moment.
• The no-rose OoOD. Oh it's awkward. It's awkward, it's awkward. Let's distract ourselves by figuring out what OoOD stands for. Crap I already know cuz I made it up.
• And just when it couldn't get any more awkward, Brad sends her off with "bye, okay?"
• Kudos to Michelle for not walking out of the house to watch the cab driver take Alli's suitcase away. Once he took the suitcase at all, I think we all knew what was going to happen.
• Yes! The Denver local news is just as bad as the Tucson local news! "At 10, how allergies can prevent certain kinds of cancer."
• So Michelle shows up at Swayze's room after Alli's date ... kinda like Rated Injured showed up at Ali's bachelorette house. Why haven't these rogue meet ups occurred more often?
• Risky play here, Michelle. Consciously talking shit about other ladies has not fared well for the shit talkers in the history of The Bachelor.
• Chantal's "Jane" outfit ... not working. Not at all. No.
  
• Brad brilliantly follows up "it is what it is" by saying "it just is what it is." I might need to update my previous post. And force Brad to read it at gun point.
• Sign a conversation is going very badly: when each sentence begins by saying the other person's name. Michelle, you sat there and listed out the women that were going to stay and were going to leave. Brad, you asked me to. Michelle, you've had better make up days. Brad, I'm going to force myself to cry now so it seems like I have a soul.Utah , get me two! (C'mon, it's been a while ... and it totally plays cuz she's actually from Utah! Bang.)
• Shawntel's "super hot" outfit ... working. Well. Yes.
• Shawntel's quiet game ... working even better. I'm legitimately smitten right now ... with both of them.
• Ooooooo except that kiss was a little gross ... BUT we have a full recovery with Brad's silent celebratory fist pump. Please tell me I'm not alone here in Smiletown. Smile. Town.
  
• Chantal, I appreciate your sleuthing skills, but you already have a rose. How about you just sit back and enjoy your evening of trying to look like a cheetah in Costa Rica.
• Let me paraphrase Harrion's pre-rose ceremony prep talk ... "it's going to suck even worse than normal for the one girl here that ends up going home tonight. Good luck, Ashley."
• Well I (and Harrison) got that one wrong. Ashley gets the first rose. Britt, dive for a rose now. Just take one!
• Woo hoo! Britt stays alive ... which means Jackie is gonzo.
• We all know Michelle gets the rose from last week's previews. How dumb do the producers think we are? Don't answer that.
• Jackie surprises everyone with an amazingly graceful exit. Huh. Tears and pity party kept to a minimum. Wild.

Next week we find out how to pronounce Anguilla ... cuz Brad sure doesn't know. Bradley doesn't know.