The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Roberto Chris Drama - The Finale

Somehow I've done it. I've gone an entire week without knowing what happens on the finale. And I heard this shiz had 12 million viewers? Is that for real? People are actually watching this show to find out what happens and not just laugh at Roberto's out of control sweating? Huh. Who knew.

• So far so good. I have nothing to say after Roberto's entire montage.
• And the same for Chris' montage. It's gonna be a long night. Or a short night. Depending on how you look at it.
• I guess I can't complain about the ab / chest focused establishing shots of Ali in her multiple bikinis.
• Well if anything, the room that Ali's family got should have them buttered up at least a little bit. Holy shit.
• Ali doesn't know the name of the Tampa Bay MLB team? "The Tampa Blue Rays?"
• Wait a minute. Ali and Raya are related? Has the adoption question been asked by one of them.
• Okay. Ali's mom speaking speaking Spanish ... How do you say "I am cringing" in Spanish?
• When you ask for dad's blessing, what you're really hoping to hear is "I don't have a problem with that." That's pretty much the ideal non-negative but certainly not overly positive result.
• In case you've forgotten, Roberto can salsa dance. He can also play baseball, speak Spanish and sweat profusely. That much we know for sure.
• Onto Chris' date ... a little bit breezier, but Dad's poker face remains strong. Looking forward to his response to Chris' question. Will he downgrade to "That wouldn't be the worst thing in the world" or possibly upgrade to "I would not hate it if you married my daughter."
• Ali looks a lot like her mom. A lot.
• Apparently the idea of french toast for dinner is drop dead hilarious in the Ali househould. Really way too much laughing at that concept.
• So Ali's brother ... or brother in law? I can't tell cuz I don't think he's said a word yet.
• Also I really hope that 85% of their conversations revolve around the room they have. They are actually staying in this room. That crap is crazy!
• Quote of the night from Ali's dad so far: "It is huge." No context needed.
• EXACT same response for Chris: "I would have no problem with that." Ali's dad = poker face.
• You know what's more fun than salsa dancing? Swimming off the end of the crazy room they have. Advantage Chris.
• Time for some straight talk from Poker Face. Advantage Roberto. Hands down according to Dad. Wild.
• And Raya straight talks entirely in favor of Chris. Looks like it's gonna be a grudge match all the way to the end. Or at least that's what the producers would like you to think. One or the other.
• Ali just said this and I've always had an issue with anyone who says "likes to have fun." Is there anything that needs to be said less? Are there people out there that DON'T like having fun? Assuming you're into not having fun, wouldn't you then like that and in essence be having fun? Logically speaking, I think not liking to have fun is literally impossible. Oh and Ali and Roberto hung out with sting rays.
• The Roberto night time date hasn't even started and he is sweating like mad. Are there no fans at this Hilton?
• I got you a present. Looks like it's a picture in a frame at first, but it's actually got a second use.
• Well at the end of the Roberto date, it's hard to say anything other than "Advantage Roberto."
• The Chris date is starting and I have to ask ... is something happening right now? What's with the sit down, Ali?
• Oh boy, Ali's at a loss for words. Not good, Chris. Not good.
• This is the most high profile "we're better off as friends" speech ever. Brutal.
• Could she at least mope or cry? She cried her eyes out with Frank and now nothing for Chris? Pretty weak sauce there, Ali.
• I guess props to Ali ... sorta. At least Chris doesn't have to get on one knee and then get pulled up by his hands. That's always the worst.
• So now the real grudge match begins. Chris vs. Kirk vs. Craig R for the next Bachelor.
• Little double rainbow all the way for Chris. Now he feels better. Good. I like Chris.
• One advantage to this change in format: no ring choosing montage. Cuz that's not total BS every time.
• Didn't Roberto get the first impression rose? And now he's got it all wrapped up? What are the chances?
• Son of B! Spoke too soon. Stupid ring montage begins now.
• Did that mother f'er finally tighten his tie!? F you, Roberto. What are the odds he tightens his tie at the wedding? Answer: slim cuz the wedding likely won't happen. It's just a matter of odds, people. The winners bracket: Trista and Ryan. The losers bracket: every other Bachelor/Bachelorette couple ever. Good luck, Ali and Roberto.
• They really shouldn't have made Roberto travel so far after getting dressed up. He spent most of the walk up the stairs wiping sweat from his brow.
• Wow he is really really sweating ... a lot. Brow sweat has moved onto lip sweat. Honestly how hot can it be? It looks like there's cloud cover.
• Nice job with the product spot on the ring box there, Neil Lane.
• Music montage courtesy of the Lion King soundtrack? I miss "On The Wings Of Love" immediately.
• Well it's all down hill from here. I doubt you can afford The Hilton Bora Bora on a minor league baseball salary. Congratulations to the happy couple ... for at least the next 4 months or so!

Well it's been real. It's been fun. It hasn't been real fun. Another finale that doesn't outdo the Big Swayze finale. But things are looking up. Bachelor Pad tomorrow, yow!!