The Bachelor Diaries, London Calling, Week 3

Extended episode? Rugby competition? If I'm being honest, I'm excited.

Oh, I should probably mention that this is a now recurring segment (renewed for a 2nd season!) where I watch the glory that is the ABC reality show The Bachelor and then record my snarky comments about the episode onto this here blog thingy. That's all there is to it. With that said ...

• Early signs point to an 85% chance of cat claws tonight.
• Holly lands the shameless promo date. Movie premiere of Made of Honor featuring non-Brit Patrick Dempsey. His name certainly sounds British though.
• Why did Holly and Matt switch seats during the limo ride? Do these 'razzi have any idea who these people are?
• Ok, what is this f'ing sham!? The fake red carpet gag blows. Are we meant to believe they actually put that concrete somewhere? Holy crap the whole thing was COMPLETELY set up?
  
• On top of everything they get to watch a movie all by themselves? And it's Mann's Chinese? Pretty much one of my dreams. I've never started a Bachelor episode so angry.
• Hey, jerks, say "Made of Honor" a few more times AFTER the commercial break. I hate Matt, Holly, Harrison, Dempsey, everyone.
• Let's ride this hate train. Holly, I don't like your dress. There, I said it.
• Are they giving Shayne the Barbara Walters filter on her confessionals? Does she look blurry to anyone else?
• Well, we have our answer as to what happened to the concrete. It's been turned into cat claws fodder after they delivered it to the girls' house. So they can all talk crap about Holly. Well played, ABC.
• So there's a girl from Loveland. And another from Niceville. What's next, Enchantmantown? Lustberg? Hugsandkissesopolis? Ok, that's probably enough.
• Physical challenge date? Who's having fond flashbacks to what's her name when she sprained her ankle on the tires? That girl could teach these girls a few things about having your eye on the prize.
• Aw, Niceville, you're just not cut out for this crazy crazy game. You stay sweet, Meeps.
• Holly has a spray tanner? I'll say it: the most amazing spray tan in Bachelor history. Side question: why did Shayne go bottomless but not topless?
• Chelsea calling out Ashleelee Sobieski's fake eyelashes? I'm way into it. I think I like Chelsea.
• Hey, Pissed Earth, I know what will help fix your cut lip. Run away from everyone, get down on the ground and stay doubled over on your knees and rock back and forth. Don't ask for a medic or ice or anything.
• I'll say it ahead of time. I think Shayne is going down.
• "I have a great surprise for the girls and I can't wait to give it to them ..." Who's on the edge of their seat? Aw, man, massages!? That's it?
  
• To quote Rob and Big, "Do work, Kelly." Man, girl is into giving massages.
• Okay, this is honestly the first time I remember seeing LeAnn Rimes since episode 1.
  
• Did Matt spend the entire night date in a "jumpah" and Adidas warm up pants? Big Swayze would be ashamed.
• I am a huge fan of Kelly when she's drunk. Tell me everything that comes into your mind, Stevie Nicks. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies!
• Hey, Shayne, where are you from again? Oh yeah, Malibu. Your outfit didn't make it obvious AT ALL.
• WHAT?! Shayne's dad is Lorenzo f'ing Lamas? I can't even dream of a better answer. We're talking Lorenzo Lamas, the guy with the "imperfection laser" from that American Idol for Hotness show. You remember that show? If not, have a look. This girl has issues, Matt. Run for the hills, dude.
• Shayne's fab five: cars, shoes (Oh. My God.), hand bags, sunglasses, watches. I mean I'm sold. This girl's clearly in it for love.
• This is what she actually said: "I forgot about the rose until I sawll it on the table. And when I sawll it, I was just like, my stomach just dropped." I guess we'll just have to seell if Matt gives here the rose. My guess is we'll be seelling Shayne head back to Malibull.
• Well I guess the spray tan paid off. Shayne gets a rose. And as it turns out, roses are her favorite flowall.
  
• So, tell me if I'm wrong here, but I think Chelsea's dress is saying "look directly at my chest". I'm right, right?
• I've heard it three times and I'm still not sure. Pissed Earth is saying "I think it's time someone buzzed Robin up?" Is that right? Buzz her up?
• I love LeAnn Rimes. She finally gets to say something on the show and all she does is drop an f-bomb. Good times.
• Drops of wisdom from Robin: "Tsh. What!? Marriage doesn't work like that - it's marriage. [Insane laughter]" I couldn't agree more.
• Dude, Matt has got Holly, Robin and Chelsea completely WRAPPED, right? I leave Shayne out because I don't think she really even cares. And because she's Lorenzo Lamall's daughter. (You see what I did there? It's not gonna get old.)
• Meeps! You did it. He likes the music you do!
• Ugh. I DON'T like Ashleelee Sobieski. I do not.
• Noelle, you've been rewarded for being the only "like, real" girl here. Congratulations. You're similar to real and that's clearly what Matt's looking for.
• So we lose LeAnn, the girl with the mole (how did I forget she was the hot dog vendor?) and girl, interrupted (aka Amy).
• Unbelievable. My billionth rose ceremony and I still feel bad for these girls. Every f'ing time. Damn you, Bachelor formatting! Damn you! You're gonna find love, LeAnn. Don't stop believin'!

I enjoyed this episode. Mostly because the lines in the sand have clearly been drawn. It's Robin vs. the entire house. It's Chelsea vs. Ashleelee. And it's Shayne vs. Marshanall (bam!) in the one on one date next week!

Oh, and don't miss Shayne Lamas in "Endless Bummer". Out later this year! I'm off to Fandango.

The correct use of "You're the Voice"

Anyone else kinda feel like rioting during David Archuleta's American Idol performance last night? No? Well check him out singing "You're the Voice" by David Foster. Just fast forward to when he's singing and get a taste of the tune (around the 1:50 mark).



And here's a clip from the movie Hot Rod.



F'ing Archuleta chose that song because he really feels that tune is good and has an important message. And yet it's a walking punch line in Hot Rod. I really hope he doesn't win.

Also worth mentioning: none of the Idol judges had ever heard of this song. And Simon (having not heard the song nor seen Hot Rod) said "it's one of those ghastly songs you sing where you've got like animated creatures with you and everyone joins in together and riots." Okay, he didn't say "and riots", but seriously, freaky accurate assessment, Simon.

The Bachelor Diaries, London Calling, Week 2

First of all, care to barf a little bit? Check out Stacey on the radio here. Holy crap, it's super barf time as Johnjay, Rich and Carrie all fawn all over Stacey the Super Tramp. While we're here, copyright "super barf time" for me.

I should probably mention that this is a now recurring segment (renewed for a 2nd season!) where I watch the glory that is the ABC reality show The Bachelor and then record my snarky comments about the episode onto this here blog thingy. That's all there is to it. With that said ...

It's Week 2 and word has it we're going to Vegas. What happens in Vegas ... gets broadcast across the whole country! In prime time! Oh burn!

• The first date features 2 girls I completely didn't recognize, Pissed Earth, LeAnn Rimes and others.
• Drop those girls some wine right off the bat before you force them to walk the runway for you and only you. This Brit is a thinker.
• How much did these photogs get paid? And are they actually photogs? Or just random people with flashy cameras and no film?
• The children's book author can really moonwalk. Can she do any more MJ dance moves? Somebody put on "Billie Jean" and let's find out.
  
• Do we like his purple sweater? Do we?
• "Your aura's purple! ... It's purple!" Congrats, Pissed Earth. (That was a quote from 'Almost Famous' in case you missed it.)
• No no. Not a little chorus. Oh. Oh I'm cringing. LeAnn Rimes hates it. Awesome.
• Ugh. Ashlee telegraphs ... and it works. First impression rose? Really?
• Oh snap. Pissed Earth's aura is turning to red and she doesn't want to "speak on it" right now. It being Ashlee acting like the 22 year old that she is.
  
• "I like blackjack, but I think what I'm really gonna be gambling with is my heart." Carri, you're priceless.
• There are THREE 22 year olds on this show? They are buh-ringing it.
• 22-year old Robin is playing the "I'm horrible at gambling" pity card. Weird card.
• "Yyyyyezzr" from Kelly. She's got the crazy Stevie Nicks voice, right?
• Guaranteed sign that someone is drunk: "Hey, no." That sentence makes complete sense to a drunk person. And this is right after Kelly says she's cool, nice and can hold her alcohol.
• It's time for the 3rd 22-year old to get her 15 minutes. Aaaaaand congratulations to you, Shayne. You're the-girl-who-has-trouble-with-"the format" on the Bachelor, London Calling.
• "Not interested, so ..." and then he fake walks out on what's her face. It's no "I only wrestle pregnant women", but it's pretty good, Matt.
• At this point, I could handle 60 minutes of confessionals from Robin. How long can one person go while being on the verge of tears, but not actually crying? Also kudos on the legitimately cute moment from Robin's piano playing.
  
• Aaaaaaaaand a 2nd congratulations to Shayne again for being the-girl-who-goes-and-cries-in-the-bathroom-in-the-first-2-episodes.
• MORE singers!? WTF! Church Marketing can belt it. And she makes crazy faces when she does it.
• I love that Erin H. is the resident singer-hater. Guess that ring on the left hand ring finger isn't workin' out for you any more, eh, Erin? Yeah, I remembered.
  
• Amanda the chronic hiccuper is from a town called Niceville? Well, I guess her nickname is all wrapped up.
• There's FOUR 22 year olds on this show? The nanny who's had ZERO camera time whatsoever too? I'm pickin' up a trend here, Matt.
• So do you think that Chris has actually realized that Hillary's rose ceremony really was the most dramatic rose ceremony ever and so he can't say it any more?
• Aw, "the meeps" during the rose ceremony. So sad, Niceville.
• Kelly/Stevie Nicks has really gone down hill this episode for me. But not for Matt apparently.
• It's crazy how many girls have had almost no face time and we're two episodes in. I have no idea how/why he's making some of these picks.
• How much does Erin H. hate getting the boot with Church Marketing the opera singer? While we're here though, crazy graceful exit. Nice work, Erin.
• Uh oh, the redhead girl is a cat girl. That pretty much explains that.
  

Well, "if I'm being honest", this episode kinda blew. But it looks like next week involves rugby. 'Nuff said.

P.S. Chelsea's tongue trick is not cool. I don't care what you say.

The Bachelor Diaries, London Calling, Week 1

Whatup. I should probably mention that this is a now recurring segment (renewed for a 2nd season!) where I watch the glory that is the ABC reality show The Bachelor and then record my snarky comments about the episode onto this here blog thingy. That's all there is to it. With that said ...

It's opening night. Time for 25 girls to pull out all the stops to impress some dude that they can't possibly like in such a short time frame. Be on the lookout for the girl with the incredibly embarrassing talent and the girl that drinks wayyyyy too much wine. Way too much.

• It's called "London Calling" cuz the band The Clash (who's British - natch) wrote a song called "London Calling" and the bachelor this year is from England. Shocker. I would have gone with "The Bachelor: Fivel Goes West". Fits the whole concept of the show better. Except that the bachelor is named Matt, not Fivel. Details.
  
• This just in: Matt wears skinny ties! And he says "cheers!" He's more British than your mind can comprehend.
• Chris Harrison looks crazy wide in his jacket. Check your stylist, Chris.
• "Up next: the first international bachelor tells all." A) I don't buy it. I bet he leaves something out. B) What does that even mean?
• I can't believe they haven't described Matt as "the most interNATIONAL bachelor EVER." Also I think there's nickname potential there. T-MIBE? Mibe (pronounced mibby)? We'll see.
  
• What the F? Brits don't say puh-taw-toh? They say tuh-maw-toh but not puh-taw-toh? My whole world just spun like a top. Can we get a fact checker on this?
• Is this fireside chat taking forever? Wrap it up, Chris. Wrrrrrapitup!
• So apparently they teach nannies from Stockton, CA how to twirl and get their hand kissed.
• Is LeAnn Rimes on this show? Nope. It's Kristine, the 32 year old. Seriously, though, it's really LeAnn in the worst disguise ever.
• Get started on that wine, girls. Know your role.
• Does the director of the show have a foot fetish? I've seen a lot of feet tonight.
• Erin, the girl with the "place holder" ring ... can we just boot her now? Harrison, get in here. I need some sort of anti-rose to give to this girl.
  
• Denise is a "former Bush aide". I assume that's code for unemployed? So now she just sits around and laments all the coverage that Hillary and Obama are getting?
• Wow, there are some first impression girls as far as I'm concerned: Kelly and Robin. Deng.
  
• Ashlee the singer/songwriter is here to give LeAnn a run for her money. And she just did the most amazing eye clinch/knee bend/fist clench ever.
• Law student from Vegas. Does that even make sense?
• Okay, Holly, seriously woah. She's a children's book author?! What is this world we live in?
• Hey Matt, apparently they don't like it when you say "San Fran".
• Carri is from Oklahoma and she's in "church marketing". And I though Vegas law student was confusing.
  
• OMG. Stacy already has me uttering horrible gutteral noises. I think she moaned along with the kiss on the cheek. Just ugh.
• Where are you from, Michele R.? Laguna Beach? No no no no. Laguna Niguel wherever the hell that is.
• How come some girls get this crazy music queue when they get out of the car? Is there some kind of hidden code here? Is JJ Abrams directing this episode?
• Tube station? Picadilly line? We get it, Matt. You're British. Enough.
• He's YOUNGER than me!? F.
• Bring in the funky soundtrack for Chris' presentation of the first impression rose. Just comedy.
• Okay, flowered dress girl. No way she gets a rose.
• Dammit. Matt really really got me with "I only arm wrestle women. Pregnant women." I really wanted to not like this guy for some reason. Big Swayze, you're still the King! I'll never stray.
• Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand there we have it. Strange talent is not arm wrestling. It's shredding aluminum cans with your mouth.
• Miss Earth New York? Rock-paper-scissors champion? Are girls just making crap up at this point?
• 6'5" and the British accent? These girls have no chance.
• Okay so this just happened. Clarinet girl says "it has to be wet in order to vibrate" and then my dogs start barking at absolutely nothing. Hel-LO!
• Also, future contestants of this show. KILL. The talents. Just talk to the dude and touch his arm and all that.
  
• First hyperbole of the season: "wildest party in bachelor history." It's good to be home.
• Kudos to Erin S. for calling Stacy a "nutbag".
• Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Stacy is the girl that drank wayyyyyyyyyyy too much wine.
• The Stacy montage is one for the ages. Go find it and watch it.
• Wait a minute. Erin H. just put some tube of something sorta into her armpit boob area. What's going on? You girls got secret pockets in your dresses now or what?
• Man, Stacy's drunk talk is RULING! "I want to find a pharmaceutical that will cure something that no one has thought of." You can't write this crap. She's going to invent a disease that no one's ever thought of. And then immediately cure it. Get that girl a rose!
• Stacy's so drunk that they've assigned a rover to her. All of her activities will be captured on camera, rest assured.
  
• It's so ridiculous that I feel I don't even need to mention it. You saw it. I saw it. We all saw it. But I think I'd be remiss in not mentioning it. Tramp stamp. It's the most appropriate one ever.
• Not surprising: we've lost Stacy to a pass out. Surprising: she seems to have found some random single bed with no sheets on it to pass out on. The mystery of this show knows no bounds.
  
• Hey Matt, it's the first impression rose, not the first girl out of the limos rose.
• "Up next: Matt faces the most difficult decision of his life." Just breathe it in, people.
• Not a good sign if they show your face at the start of the rose ceremony and I don't remember you ... at all. Which just happened with about 3 girls.
• It's look alike night. I just realized singer/song writer looks like LeeLee Sobieski.
• Classic classic move. Miss Earth NY gets a rose. You know what I'm talking about. And if you don't, ask Adam Carolla.
• Church marketing / aluminum can devourer gets a rose. Matt's starting to come down from that arm wrestling joke.
• LeAnn Rimes is in! Matt loves the look alikes.
• Yeah! My top 3 go 3 in a row. Robin, Kelly and Holly. Good work, you tall asshole.
• Holy crap. Is Stacy even at the ceremony? Oh. Nevermind, they finally just showed her.
• Oh flowered dress, I'm sorry. I could have saved you some heartache if you asked me about your chances earlier.
• Stacy's final ... look ... I guess we'll call it. Either that or ... insane drunk face. F'ing priceless.

As for "this season on the bachelor" ... woah. Just woah. Girls are in it to win it. Plus lots of indoor sunglass wearing it seems. Also Miss Earth NY is not at peace with her fellow earthly females. More like ... PISSED Earth NY. Oh ho ho ho ho. Oh no. Oh I went there. Oh. Oh goodness. Okay.

The Bachelor, London Calling. It's on.

Funniest. Movie Title. Ever

I'm about to link you to a movie that I just saw a preview for. Keep the following things in mind when the full brunt of the title slaps you across your brain.

• This movie stars 1 actor that you will most certainly consider famous plus a couple more that your average movie-goer will recognize.
• The preview gives all indications that this is a film people are meant to take seriously. This is not a "Super Hero Movie" or a "Scary Movie 4".
  
• This movie was written by a "respected" horror film guy (at least among the horror film types I've gotta assume) ... Clive Barker.
• Directed by the guy who directed "Alive".
• In other words, this is a movie that someone wrote. And then someone else agreed to pay money to produce. And then some other group of people sat around and decided on THIS TITLE. And then those same people made the movie and thought to themselves "people are going to see the preview for this and not only not laugh, but then pay money to see this movie." And then some corporate studio actually distributed this film. It's completely incredulous. I mean, it forced me to use the word incredulous. That's how incredulous it is.
  
• If the 2nd word (of the 3-word title) is removed, the title is totally fine. Solid title and definitely miles away from being something I HAVE to blog about. But nah, they had to rock the 3-word title and turn their film into an instant mockery.
  
• At least 5 people (more likely hundreds) heard the title of this film and then said "I think that really plays just as it is" and they kept a straight face throughout.
  

Anyway, I've said enough.

If you think I didn't laugh really really loudly well into the opening credits of the movie I actually came to see after I caught the title of this movie, you're dead wrong.

Click me and laugh.

The title presented via the preview will really give you the full effect.

Priorities

So I call a doctor's office today during normal business hours and get a recorded message. It basically says the following in this exact order:

1. You've reached so and so's office.
2. Our fax number is blah blah.
3. If you're dying, call 911.

Uh, you wanna re-think the order of those pieces of info? I've called lots of places that have recorded messages that start with "If this is an emergency, hang up and dial 911." But, I've never had to tap my foot while listening to the fax number before getting the 911 info.

If you're gonna tell people about 911, I really don't think there's any point to drop that information at any slot other than 1st. Can you imagine some poor sap that actually does call this number while dying and then is stuck there listening to the fax number while choking on the 6 triscuits he just swallowed without chewing thoroughly?

All I'm saying is ... either drop the number first or just let the dude die. He should have known the number for 911 already anyway.