The Funniest Commercial on TV - Vol. 4

If you ask me.

The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 9

Well, hard to believe it was only 8 episodes ago that I had no idea how annoying Jenni's laugh is. Before we start, I'm going with Newnan. I think Big Swayze is gonna go curveball on us.

• "And then, it's the moment we've all been waiting for." Don't you dare speak for me, Chris Harrison. You lost me on your back slide last week.
• "Get ready for the most dramatic finale in Bachelor history." Just hush, Chris. You had me at "THE".
• Big Swayze really couldn't look more like Lil' Swayze. It's like they're the same person.
  
• Nice duck walk from Swayze as he walks Newnan into the room.
• "Are you expecting a proposal?" asks Mama Swayze. "Oh absolutely." Newnan starts strong, but immediately follows with "not so much expecting one, hoping for one." Good effort at least. You tried.
• She looks like friggin' Poe though compared to Swayze who drops this piece of knowledge on little bro Wes and the Chad: "Uh, she's good, huh?" Such a sweet talker, that Brad. He's like a magician with words.
• Holy shit. The whole family does the "yawps" before Jenni's arrival. 5 "yawps" from the 4 of them in about 20 seconds.
• F Jenni!
• "Have you told Brad that you loved him?" -Mama
• "I have not. HAHAHAHAHAHA." -Guess who
• There was tons more horrible laughter from Jenni during this segment, but I was too busy vomiting to get it all down here.
• For the record, Wes can NOT throw a football.
• Plotting out the 1st through the 6th time that you leave the toilet seat up. That's true love right there.
• Newnan is making a real strong play as far as what she says, but how she says it is always a little ... straight forward for me. Right? She just seems a little robotic at times, no?
• Did I just see a commercial where a talking dog announced a sale that begins at 4am? Black Friday is out of control.
• Jenni goes for the water works and takes the lead I gotta figure.
• Holy crap a journal. She's fully in the lead.
  
• She also hasn't laughed once all night. Which has been totally awesome!
• Does he trim his beard every day to keep it at that length? Or does he shave all the way down and then they just film him only on every 3rd or 4th day?
• Uh oh, he didn't go to Jared's. If TV has taught me anything, that's a bad thing.
• Brad's tie sucks if you ask me.
• Jenni's out of the limo first. Probably NOT good news for the laugher.
• Aaaaaaand the music pauses and she's out ... They both handled it pretty damn well I think. Very respectable break up as far as nationally broadcast reality TV goes.
• Weird. Why did Brad line up stage left for Jenni and then line up stage right for Newnan? Did the producers actually put thought into this? They've never had me more interested.
• DUDE! Harrison was not f'ing around! Drama! What is Swayze doing?! He's gonna dump 'em both?!
• Swayze is a complete STUD! He dropped 'em both! Most dramatic finale in Bachelor history. Believe it, people!
• Here's a question. Does he keep the ring?
• Oh yeah, drop that TUNE I like. So appropriate.
• F-bomb in the limo from Newnan. Scorned, y'all.
• Here's another question. Did he have to ask permission to drop them both? Or did he spring that on the crew as it happened?
• An oh-so-appropriate Point Break quote comes to mind: "Yeah, I know man. Ain't it wild? That's what makes it so interesting. You can do what you want, and make up your own rules. Why be a servant to the Bachelor, when you can be it's master?" (The previous quote may not be 100% accurate.)
  

Dang, y'all. The drama continues tomorrow night after the final (lack of a) rose. We'll see you then. If ABC can get another hour out of this, I can get another few bullet points.

A deeply philosophical discussion about "The Hills"

Look, I'm not the only one talking about this so back off! All right, fine, it's deplorable, but I'm posting about "The Hills" anyway.

Seriously, though I really am curious about the questions I ask in the following chat.

(3:04:59 PM) Ando: dude did you watch the hills this week?
(3:05:02 PM) Ando: i know it's fake
(3:05:08 PM) Luke: nah
(3:05:10 PM) Ando: but i actually scooted to the edge of my seat
(3:05:12 PM) Luke: i'm weeks behind on the hills
(3:05:16 PM) Luke: give it to me
(3:05:21 PM) Luke: i don't see myself catching up any time soon
(3:05:25 PM) Ando: heidi and lauren talk
(3:05:29 PM) Ando: heidi apologizes
(3:05:32 PM) Ando: lauren gives it to her
(3:05:37 PM) Ando: heidi continues to apologize
(3:05:55 PM) Ando: lauren says "it's time to forgive and forget. i want to forgive you...and i want to forget you."
(3:06:02 PM) Ando: cue sad chick music as heid walks out
(3:06:12 PM) Luke: awesome
(3:06:22 PM) Luke: can i seriously ask the following question
(3:06:32 PM) Luke: what is the truth on this whole sex tape thing?
(3:06:39 PM) Luke: is there a sex tape?
(3:06:46 PM) Luke: was the rumor real? or a fake rumor?
(3:07:07 PM) Luke: and assuming the tape never existed, what's so bad about a rumor about a sex tape that doesn't exist?
(3:07:38 PM) Ando: all excellent questions... the last one is the real one for me. like if i ever had a moment alone with lauren, that's what i'd ask her
(3:07:49 PM) Ando: she said to heidi, 'you have no idea how bad it got'
(3:07:53 PM) Ando: how bad could it be?
(3:07:55 PM) Ando: i'm totally curious
(3:09:18 PM) Luke: yeah, people rioting outside your apt?
(3:09:24 PM) Luke: throwing eggs and yelling at 3am
(3:09:30 PM) Luke: "seeeeeeex taaaaaaaaaape!"
(3:09:35 PM) Luke: "raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
(3:09:42 PM) Luke: it's laughable
(3:10:09 PM) Luke: but hey, lauren, you certainly set up the plot for season 3 so, kudos on that avenue
(3:13:32 PM) Ando: wow, just read that
(3:13:34 PM) Ando: i'm LAUGHING

The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 8

It's time for "The Women Tell All" on The Bachelor. There's really nothing I can predict about this show other than a strong dose of the Harrison. This week on The Bachelor, it's the most Chris Harrison ever ... plus cat claws! Bonus!

• Be ready. The Chad will be involved.
• 3 of the ladies either didn't know where the camera was or chose not to look at it during their intro. Weird.
  
• Hillary just jumps straight to crazy. "I think he's hotter than David Beckham!" C'mon, Hillary. What's next? Weeping uncontrollably for no reason on a good first date? Oh wait.
  
• Holy crap. Bettina's like a used car? Brad has to kick the tires to see if she still works? Hillary (the original "cat claws" girl) has some damn sharp claws herself.
  
• I just realized that this episode and the last one will unquestionably go down as my two least manly blog entries ever. I've said "cat claws" twice already.
• McCarten has some weird rhythm when she talks. "I think that we were more maybe the FORWARD people and the MATURE people because we were able to CONFRONT people to their FACES ..." You can just feel her head nod as she talks.
• Okay, I give up. What exactly is McCarten's deal?! I really only remember her smushy face, but now I hate her immediately.
• Wow, ok, two, wait, three things:
• Hillary does the eye roll / smile / shrug / "oh no I'm in trouble now [wink wink]" waaaaaaay too f'ing much.
• Hillary and Chris executed the most uncomfortable handshake / one arm hug in the history of the world.
• And, Chris, WTF? "One of the most emotional exits we've ever had?" What the hell is up with the back slide? It is THE most emotional exit ever and I will hear nothing less.
• Thanks for the flashback, ABC. The vein, the tears and the giant gonzagas are all back. And so is the sunburn during the most emotional exit ever.
• Tell me you saw the one guy in the whole audience half-clapping as they came back from the flashback! Epic.
• I really didn't think I'd have this much to say about this episode, but here we go:
• Chris' question to Hillary: "What was going through your mind when you didn't get the rose?" That's it? That's what you're curious about? The 10 minutes of uncontrollable crying and hyper-ventilating left you questioning how she felt?
• And as if that wasn't retarded enough, Hillary straight faced answers with the biggest understatement in Bachelor history: "I was upset."
• Just a thrilling dialogue we have going here. I probably shouldn't have expected less considering the handshake-hug.
• Dammit, Chris! "One of the most emotional break downs we've seen?" No! THE most! THE!
• More ground breaking questions for Hillary: "What hurt the most?"  Just a guess here, Chris, but I think it was getting the boot and then having the most emotional exit in Bachelor history.  But good question.
• Can we give Hillary her own TV station like on that movie EDTV? I would watch. I really can't imagine what this basket case's day to day is like.
• What the crap was the music they played as Bettina walked to the hot seat?
• The jump-cut to Bettina's dad in the flashback was AWESOME! I would scream if I woke up and saw that guy staring at me in my bedroom. Or anywhere for that matter.
• Hey, Chris. When you're interviewing someone, it helps to ask questions. "That's gotta be extra tough to watch now" is not a question. F'ing Harrison.
• Sheena says she would have been happy with a date where she was sitting on a towel in a parking lot? Is this a colloquialism that I don't know about? I get what she's trying to say, but towel? Parking lot? What?
• They really need to stop asking Hillary to chime in. She's proven herself to be totally insane. We have nothing to learn from her.
• Did Chris say "jumping at the bit?" Why am I so annoyed? I know I shouldn't be expecting f'ing Frontline here, but dang. (It's chomping at the bit which is why I'm annoyed by the way.)
• Sheena's dress on the first night was horrible. I think it had streamers on it.
• Sheena is a quote machine. "I jumped down the rabbit hole if you will." I think one of her sentences was nothing more than "Gowns, my goodness." I know exactly what you mean, Sheena.
• The Chad can't fool 'em twice! Ya went to the well one too many times, ABC! You tricksters, you.
• I'll say it again. How did they not all recognize the Chad as the Chad? His snaggle tooth jumps off the damn screen.
  
• Thanks for cutting to Hillary's beaming smiling face as Big Swayze comes in. We're one step closer to her own TV station.
• "Two Face" goes with no horrible super dark red lipstick tonight. Good move.
  
• The random cuts to groups of girls in the crowd laughing at Hillary. Priceless. "She didn't know she was in the friend zone! She so crazy! Oh tee hee hee hee hee."
  
• I could have done without Brad's shower scene.
• Harrison for some reason has zero problem just ripping into Hillary.  He's dropped the "friend zone" using sky writing joke, the "Brad has a 'Just Friends'" tattoo joke and the sarcastic "are you sure you don't want to change your mind, Brad" after the replay of Hillary's "ravage" quote.  Dude is ice cold!
• Ladies, if you want to nominate me for The Bachelor, just FYI, the number is 866 739 3150. No! I kid! I kid! And even if I did get chosen, how would I blog my own episodes? I just don't think it would flow. It's the content of the blog I'm really worried about. Call if you want, though. But don't. Or do. Whatever.
• How appropriate. The flashback shows Jenni's first move as she stepped out of the limo. It starts with an "h" and ends with an "a" and has a "a h" in the middle.
• Newnan's first move as she steps out of the limo still makes me cringe with awkwardness. No one likes to pretend like you speaking Latin is interesting.
  
• The booted ladies are at a dead split on who Brad will pick. I'll go with Newnan for no good reason.
  

See you next week where we'll see who has the last laugh. Get it? Cuz you know Jenni laughs a lot so ... it'll be weird if she loses cuz then she can't laugh ... cuz she'll be sad. But then Newnan will probably laugh which will be a total turn of the tables. Anyway, I know one of 'em is gonna laugh ... last. Ok, I'm done.

2 things we can do without considering it's 2007

Item 1: "Tell so-and-so I say hi."

You know what I'm talking about. You're talking to someone. That person says "tell so-and-so I say hi" where so-and-so is some person that you both know. Let me immediately say that I understand that the sentiment behind "tell so-and-so I say hi" is kind at its core. The person is trying to reach out to so-and-so. And that's nice.

With that said, here are my problems with "tell so-and-so I say hi."

1. It's really not that nice if you think about it. If this person really wanted to reach out to so-and-so, this person would contact so-and-so personally. Instead, this person is basically pawning off a chore on you because they probably really don't care to talk to so-and-so.
   
2. It's 2007! It's not like you're passing a "hi" to so-and-so through The Pony Express because there is physically no way for you to get in touch with so-and-so. It's 2007! MySpace. Facebook. Instant Messaging. Texting. Email. Cell phones. The f'ing postal service. These are all options.

All I'm trying to say here is ... if you really want to say "hi", go ahead and say "hi" yourself. I'm sure you've got the means.

Item 2: Hanging up after the beep

You ever check your voicemail and all you get is 1 second of dead air and then a click? This basically means that someone called you, listened to your outgoing message, heard the beep AND THEN chose to hang up. Here are my messages to those who still hang up immediately after the beep:

1. It's 2007! Everyone has caller ID. I know that you called before the voicemail even picked up. If you're just going to hang up after the beep, then go ahead and spare me the process of listening to the click and then deleting the empty message.
2. It's 2007! It's voicemail. It's digital. There is not a cassette recorder sitting on a counter in my kitchen recording your message. Your click is being recorded by a computer in a warehouse somewhere. Even if I wanted to, I am not able to screen your call and listen as you leave your message and then maybe pick up. My chances of answering your call went out the window the moment the voicemail kicked in.
3. It's 2007! Do you possibly not know how voicemail works? Did the beep take you by surprise and then you panicked and frantically hung up?

Keep these things in mind the next time you call someone and feel free to either 1) hang up before the beep or 2) leave a message and say hey.

The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 7

Okay, 45-minute Bachelor, let's go. I'd like to start by thanking all the kids in my neighborhood (if there are any) for NOT coming by my house and hence leaving all these mini-boxes of Nerds for me and Dave. ANYWAYS, overnight dates, bring it on.

• For starters, "Hell yes you zoom in on and apply focus to Bettina's little bottom in a bikini!" That is a bottom to be zoomed in on.
  
• Jenni doesn't want to look like a "weirdo" or a "weenie" or a "whacko" or a "wombat" while swimming with dolphins. She only actually said 2 of those things.
  
• Dude, that dolphin is into Jenni. And just like a normal date, Jenni wasn't comfortable until she danced with her suitor. Except in this case her suitor was a dolphin. The fact that it's a dolphin didn't do anything for her? What a weirdo.
• Jenni and Brad "have an understanding" that they're both very attracted to each other. How did that conversation go? "I'm very attracted to you." "Same." "Done."
  
• While we have a minute ... Jenni really made the team. Nice research, Ando. Here are some items worth noting:
• Her niece is named Rylee Jo. How did Jenni ever make it out of Wichita?
• She likes to watch Laguna Beach. How's life in 2005, Jenn?
• "I think the reality TV show I would be best on is Survivor! I am a pretty tough woman!" Huh? She seems to be doing pretty damn well on another reality show I've seen.
• "In one word, my friends would describe me as..." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, she actually said "energetic". I think my answer is more accurate.
  
• Seriously! Bettina on the boat!? Did she have 3 square meals of crunches every day since the at-home date?
• The real Swayze would never wear that green shirt.
• "I'm pretty sure you have something special in your pocket," she says! Is this girl going all the way on the overnight date or what?
• The innuendo is out of control right now. "We just continuously ... grow together and it feels good," he says.
• As Brad shuts the door on Camera 2, let's ask the ladies a hypothetical here. Let's say you're Jenni. And let's say Brad discreetly looks into the camera and does something to the effect of an "Oh yeah!" just before shutting the door. And then let's say Brad asks you to marry him. Weeks later, as you're watching the show back with Brad's ring on your finger, what's your reaction to Brad's boasting?
  
• As we go to commercial, he's gonna seal the deal with all 3 ladies, right? He's giving Bachelor Bob a bit of a run (who allegedly sealed 6 deals. 6!).
• Bettina's adventurous and loves the water? A lot like the dolphins from the first date.
• As the boat captain's accent is presented, I have to ask myself, where exactly is Cabo San Lucas?
• What is up with the extreme close up on Brad's shoulder? Bettina's in a bikini here! You're fired, Camera 3!
• As Bettina reads the fantasy suite card, I guess I have to give props to Jenni for doing what Brad never will: admitting that the show is formatted and everyone knows what's coming next. That was pretty awesome, Bettina.
• Close up of Bettina's bottom yet again, some seemingly bad kissing aaaaaaand Brad seals the deal again. BIG SWAYZE!
• Props to DeAnna for, ya know, eating. Food. I still don't know how I feel about her personality, but she is a super cutie.
• Is this what actual romantic dates are like? If so, I've never been on one.
  
• Brad: "I don't meet people like you very much."
• Newnan: "I don't meet people like you very much." (Note: burn! Had to be said.)
• Brad: "... ... Hmm ..."
• Newnan: "I knew from the second I got here. I knew. I just knew."
• Luke: "What!? What did you know!? Seriously tell me. That dune buggy racing was awesome? That you're both horrible trash talkers? That you're normal and eat more often than you work out unlike your competitors?" (For the record, I really do think that's a good thing and I seriously think Newnan is the most attractive remaining chica.)
  
• On second thought, I guess Brad's mmhmm's and the Spanish guitarrrrrr are starting to do it for me.
• How much time do you think Chris Harrison puts into "writing" his "notes" for the "fantasy" "suite"? I'm guessing at least "fifteen" "minutes".
• I couldn't contain a sigh after this nugget from the Big Swayzz: "... all those things that make a relationship be what it is." Is there any wonder why this girl is gonna bone all 3 of these girls? He's like f'ing Casanova this guy!
• "In my stomach, in my gut, deep down in my innards and my large intestine, it just feels right," says Newnan. Actually, she only used 2 of those references to her tummy.
• Swayze is ruling! He just used the word tumultuous and then he said "Someone is going to walk away with ... a broken heart and for me to be the cause of that, it just breaks my heart." Well at least you'll have that in common during the goodbye, Brad.
• Backless dress Jenni gets a rose and smells it way too much as usual.
• Chris Harrison is MIA for the whole episode. Frowny face.
• No big surprise, "cute bottom" gets booted beachside by Brad. Alliteration for the win!
• I also enjoyed that Brad threw in a "you look amazing" after giving Newnan the final rose.
• Also, what is this kinda cool song playing as Brad and Bottom head for the bench?
• And then they cue the other song I like. It's like my favorite Bachelor playlist.
• F-bomb from Bettina! This girl is really laying it down late in the game and I'm liking it. She seems to have about as good of an outlook as one could have in her shoes. How long do you think they drove her around before giving up on her balling her eyes out? I'm guessing at least an hour.
• If you're the Bachelor, is the toast when it's down to two girls literally the most awkward moment ever? I'd say the dude actually did pretty well ... and that's with him saying "Thank you for giving me your hearts. I appreciate it." He appreciates it, ladies, so, ya know, try not to kick each other in the crotch and instead toast with the girl that has a 50/50 shot of stealing away your potential husband. Cheers!
  

"The women tell all" has all signs of being epic. Also, Brad seems to wear another ugly suit for the proposal. And finally, Brad gets his head bob on during the post-credit segment. There are no words.

Until next time, y'all.