The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 6

Home town dates on The Bachelor with Big Swayze. The preview suggests a full on demise for Sheena and Bettina thanks to the fam-damily. "The little hand says it's time to rock 'n' roll." (Likely the first of many 'Point Break' quotes. You've been warned.)

• Jenni from Phoenix is really from Wichita.
• "Thanks for inviting me here," says Brad. Dude, enough with pretending like the show isn't formatted.
  
• Ho. Leecrap. Jenni is too much. "I have something funny for you." [Classic over laugh at absolutely f'ing nothing.] She's making me make this face.
  
• So they're eating at the salon because Jenni's mom's house is too small? Apparently eating at an f'ing salon is more comfortable than eating at a small home.
  
• Grandma Betty. Did the producers plant her? And is Jenni the apple that fell really far from the tree in a good way? She doesn't live in Wichita, she doesn't work at a salon and she doesn't look like her family at all. Am I wrong if I think these are all good differences?
  
• There's a couch and an outdoor patio at this salon? I'm so confused.
• Sheena lives here where they've got tract housing and a tram of some kind. And that's about it outside of the tradition of being made to feel at home via a good ol' fashioned tube ride! Walnut Creek is crazy times!
  
• Kudos to Ando for finding this piece of Sheena's past.
• Here comes the "Sheena's mom is crazy" montage. Tell me she's at least a little drunk.
  She's got me making this face.
• As could be easily seen in the preview, Sheena is dunzo. Not even a kiss in the jacuzzi. "Adios, amigo!"
• Ah, DeAnna Popolopodopopoulous Newnan, welcome to Georgia/Rome depending on how you feel that day.
• Worth noting: Brad says "off-ten", not "off-en" when he says "often". This is how boring the Newnan family stuff is.
• New Bachelor tactic as far as I know: Newnan holds a good 70% of her photo album photos hostage until Brad marries her. I appreciate the effort, Newnan. I really do.
  
• I think DeAnna just said "Ya Ya" and "Poo Poo" referring to her grandparents. Oh wait, it's "Pa Poo". Let's party, indeed, Pa Poo.
• Here we go, Bettina's crazy dad is gonna liven up this episode which I'm pretty sure has been 70% lame, 20% weird and 10% crazy (thanks, Sheena's mom).
  
• Dad's haircut puts him one step away from emo, right?
• Palpable: adjective | able to be touched or felt. Holy crap, this is brutal. Here are some of the choice quotes:
• "That's a great disappointment. [Maniacal laughter]" -Dad
• "Do I like the idea of my step-daughter being hooked up with a guy that runs a bunch of bars? No." -Step Mom
• "Her first husband was a wonderful wonderful man and she'll never find anybody better. Love is blind." -Dad (Side note: huh? First husband being great relates to love being blind how?)
• "You cannot screw around with people's hearts." -Step Mom
• "If you want the ultimate, you've got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It's not tragic to die doing what you love." -Bodhi from Point Break (Just making sure you're still paying attention.)
  
• When the dog barked, I really thought one of the moms had tourettes.
  
• Can we address this bar owner thing? What is the problem here? He started, owns and runs 4 bars. 4! Not 1 or 2 or 3. Are they worried that people are gonna up and stop drinking in f'ing Austin, Texas? The money is gonna be coming in for a long time. Do they morally object to the sale of alcohol? Relax, Jeez.
  
• Sheena is just as done as Kristy from the last episode. Maybe more so.
• Seriously! Brad's suit is horrible! You cannot convince me otherwise.
  
• I just yelled out loud. He chooses Bettina over Sheena. I guess he went with general dislike and disapproval over totally crazy as far as parents are concerned.
• Sheena, here's the thing. I see you crying, but I really don't think you liked him. I think the show made you like him. You'll be fine. After all, you're "the one".

Overnight dates next week. I'm putting the over/under on Brad sealing the deal at 1.5. I think a dude who runs 4 bars knows how to close. Get it!? Close? It's a play on words. Ooooo kay.

So I found an iPhone

Dave and I return home from "30 Days of Night" and pull into Dave's parking spot in our condo complex. I open my door and find an 8GB iPhone laying face down in the adjacent parking spot.

So after I decide not to keep the phone, unlock it and sell it on eBay, I ring the doorbells of the 3 nearest condos. No answer. I then start calling the people on the recent calls list. The first dude asks me if I go to Tufts University and then eventually we figure out the phone belongs to Doug and he's vacationing in Tucson. The next guy on the recent calls list is actually with Doug and lives in the condo across from mine. He says Doug will come by soon to get the phone.

The doorbell rings 20 minutes later.

Me: "Hey, dude" as I hand him the phone.
Dude: "Thanks a lot, man" as he takes the phone and leaves.

I close the door and turn to Dave: "I hope that was Doug."

Tidbits

Some random thoughts/discoveries from today.

One
I think one of the most difficult tasks in the world is trying to look cool while sitting in the bed of a truck alone when all your friends are sitting up front in the cab.

Two
I just discovered that my high school's theme song is the theme song from the TV show "High Chaparral". The ironic thing is that I didn't learn this til today even though I went to Chaparral High School and even knew the name of our fight song was High Chaparral.

Enjoy:


Three
I've uncovered the iPhone killer: http://www.jitterbug.com/. This is a cell phone specifically built to have no features. None! One of the phones only has three buttons: "Operator", "Tow" and "911". Hell my iPhone doesn't even have those buttons! It's marketed almost exclusively to old people (as far as I can tell). This may be the most genius product I've ever known - both in terms of its intended use and its marketing.

Four
If you're flying Southwest, I really don't understand what kind of great seat you think you're getting by being the first person in line for the "C" boarding group. You don't need to stand there staring intently at the jetway as soon as they announce pre-boarding. Just hang back and relax and know you're getting a middle seat somewhere.

Five
I don't like it when people use the term "at least" combined with some sort of range. E.g. "That's going to take me at least 6 to 10 weeks." Just say "That's going to take me at least 6 weeks" or "That's going to take me 6 to 10 weeks". I'm just talking efficiency here, people.

Six
Am I the only one that's noticed that the "UPS Whiteboard" commercials feature a song by a band called "The Postal Service"? Probably. I have some new ideas along those lines:

• A Wii commercial featuring The Ataris.
• A McDonald's commercial featuring The Subways.
  
• A light bulb commercial featuring The Darkness.
  
• A commercial about democracy featuring the Kings of Leon. (Democracy, Monarchy, get it?).
• A library commercial featuring the Shout Out Louds.
  
• A DMV commercial featuring the Kings of Convenience.

OK, I'm done.

The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 5

It feels like it's been a long time since last week. (Yawp.) Why is that? (Yawp.) OMG I forgot this is the f'ing Hillary freak out week (Yawp.) Let's do this. (Yawp.)

• Bettina scores the one on one date. These girls hide nothing with their faces. At all.
• Brad says Bettina's smart? Present your case, Brad, cuz I don't see it.
• "Just this time with you is just. It's like .... whew." So smart, that Bettina.
• For the record, wine drinker: Sheena. Beer drinker: Hillary.
• Are people able to have real conversations with that gondola dude rowing the boat right behind you? Assuming of course that the camera man and team of producers doesn't disrupt anything.
• Allow me to insert my own hyperbole regarding the pool party. It's the bikini-est pool party in Bachelor history. It's the slippiest and slidiest pool party ever!
• I have a DVR, I'm sure this is what was said by Hillary during her bleep fest: "... take my clothes off. And like bend me over ... [blurred mouth] ... take me from behind. And like slap my ass a couple times ... [something that I'm sure is really dirty that I can't make out] and then call it a day."
• Thank you, Bachelor, for letting us know that Hillary loses it in 40 minutes. Makes everything Brad says to her right now that much more awesome.
• Brad: "I wonder if it's too good of friends."
• Hillary: "I can see in his eyes that there's a chemistry there."
• Awesome.
• More awesome: Hillary waving insanely as Brad checks for the kiss clearance with DeAnna Poppapotopolinopolis. He goes for the elbow to elbow touch instead. Worthy substitute if you ask me. Newnan!
  
• OK, Kristy is definitely the other to go, right? I'd give 2 to 1 odds.
• Ugh. Baby talk from Sheena. Gross.
• Is Brad's shirt with the crazy upper back design cool?
• I just realized who Brad looks like and I'm pissed. Click for some screen shots from my favorite movie ever: 1 - 2 - 3. Now if I can just get Brad to say "I'm not gonna paddle to New Zealand!"
  
• Well played on the fall, Sheena. Nothing more you can do there.
• This really might be the best episode ever. Straight out of Chris Harrison's mouth: "It's the most shocking goodbye ever ... when Hillary loses her mind." I don't need to write anything when the show is pumping out content like this.
• The Chad likes Sheena which weighs heavily with the Brad. The Chad [Fast forward to the 0:59 mark].
• I think Brad and Sheena's date might have been the most boring, surprise-filled date ever.
• How ironic, Jenni plays the "not here for the right reasons" card on Bettina. How the tables have turned.
  
• I think Bettina just killed a fairy with the daggers her eyes threw at Sheena's earrings she got from Brad.
  
• No. No no. No poems. Moles on your arm? Oh no. It's still going. It ended with "fun." Brad's keeping it. Maybe Sheena learned something from Ryan (of Ryan and Tristan fame). Sheena's the new dark horse maybe.
  
• Jenni? Rachel Ray? Same person?
• I think "just" might be the "amazing" of this season. We'll see about keeping a count next ep.
• Prepare for mind loss. Oh it's horrible.
• "You follow me?" No, Brad, she doesn't. Let's transcribe what you just said. "I have to say that I absolutely love the fact that I am such a good friend and that I don't get so ner -- You know what I mean? I feel so comfortable. So, um, we have had just something a little different. And and that's -- again, I am shooting straight with you and that's what's so confusing about this whole entire process." No one follows you.
  
• From Hillary: "I get butterflies in my stomach." "You could also be a great husband to me." "You make me so happy." She's really following you, Brad.
  
• Brace yourselves: "I hope [this dress] reminds him of a wedding dress and how pretty I'll look in a wedding dress." -Hillary just before her mind explodes
  
• Side note: Hill's cleave really got burned at that pool party.
• How great would it be if Chris just gave Kristy the boot before Brad came down. Is there any doubt at all? Kristy may be the most sure fire boot ever.
• Snapple. Here it comes. He's going to say "Bettina". Just run, Hillary. Run!
• I really don't empathize with our bachelor here. Nervous Brad is a snapper. [Snap - snap - snap]
• Basically Hillary got a big dose of the friend zone. And I remember a crazier departure. At least she didn't need the paramedics.
• I'm sure your dad's still proud of you, Hillary. No matter how crazy you are.
  

Next week, the families are priceless as usual. Shots in Georgia and judgment in DC. I think it's Jenni and DeAnna, final two for sure.

The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 4

After a 13 hour day in the car driving back from Aspen and as the D-Backs seem to be on the verge of getting swept, I dive in ... to episode 4 of The Bachelor.

• Sheena wonders if the "element of the competition" is what's driving Jenni. I like thinking of all the producers and casting directors laughing their asses off as they watch.
  
• Stephy, you look a billion times better without make up. Keep it off.
  
• Whoever had 9:05 minutes on the "Hillary's forehead vein" pool wins.
  
• "Look at the architecture" says Brad about downtown LA. Is this guy cultured or what!?
• Tube top pull up count for Jenni's date: 2. Look, I'm not complaining, I'm just saying.
  
• Cat claws alert! Apparently it's DeAnna and McCarten against everyone else. They're capital-ists. Get it? They only like girls with more than one capital letter in their name! Dumb joke the first time last week? Okay.
• Ok, on second thought, you go, Jade! I legitimately totally agree. Also DeAnna's accent clearly comes and goes when the situation best suits her.
  
• Back to Jenni and Brad, the best roof top couch top make out session ever! For the record, that's a Luke original.
  
• Most pressure filled date ever! Seriously. Improv comedy? Just cruel.
  
• Hillary looks f'ing great without make up too. Maybe I have some sort of make up complex.
• Ok, Jade and DeAnna actually do their own one-up routine a la SNL. "Um, I started working when I was 14 annnnd I've won The Bachelor 3 times already annnnd I invented outer space soooo ..."
• Yep count during the 2-on-1: 7. Seven! And a "right" and a "mm-hmmm" thrown in there for good measure. Variety is the spice, am I right, Brad!?
• Did Jade and Jenni take some sort of flirting class? They both have mastered the following moves.
• The super smile and eyebrow raise to cap off the over laugh.
• The bury your head in his shoulder.
• And the grab onto his arm like it's the pole at the fire station.
• Bettina drops the divorce bomb on the girls at the house. It literally takes the girls 5 seconds to translate "I was married to him" as meaning "Bettina's divorced."
  
• Jade, I'm sorry. I think your poofy messy hair thing was really working tonight. Wait. Is that what I mean?
  
• When a dude totally disses you and then as you're saying goodbye, he says this is one of the most uncomfortable moments of his life, is that really a pick-me-up?
• I've thought this for years and I'll say it now. I think the moody guitar song they play when girls get the boot really kinda plays.
• It is cleave friggin central at the cocktail party tonight.
• DeAnna is suddenly gold!
  
• 1st, she lives a town called Newnan!? Consider her nickname locked in. Nnnnnnnnewnan!
• 2nd, her little head swivel thing when she talks shit during the confessional is awesome! 3 snaps in Z formation, Newnan.
• Kristy's voice is horrendous. I did a lot of good deeds this week to counter act the horrible things I say here.
  
• Bettina chimes in with the super obvious again: "Jenni treats this whole thing like it's a competition." It seems like you see the dots, Bettina. And you see the numbers on said dots. Just put 'em together, dude. Oh you can't, can you? Cuz you're blinded by the rock solid format of this show. I love The Bachelor.
  
• OMG! First kiss = sluttiest in the house?! This show is fanTASTIC! I wish I could be there to just go ape shit with the casting directors as Bettina goes off. I guarantee it rivals a Superbowl champion's locker room. I hope they have a bonus built in for each use of the word "slut".
• Aaah! She's back. Bad lighting girl.
• Sheena has made that face twice tonight. I think she's supposed to make it seem like she's exhaling and saying "whew", but uh, it doesn't look like that. It looks like she's momentarily in need of some Immodium. That was the non-grossest way I could figure out how to say that.
• Stephy's current MySpace quote: "Chip at my wall, fellas." So long, Stephy. Stay out of the light ... or in it. And bye to McCarten as well.
  

Next week, against all odds, Hillary's cleavage gets even bigger! And WTF? They TELL us that Hillary leaves the show as part of the most "emotional moment in Bachelor history?" Shhhhhh. You had me at "slut", Bachelor. You had me at "slut". (Hi, Cam Crowe. "You had me at _____" jokes will never die, it seems. Are you proud or pissed?)

The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 3

We're back after the Yankees fall and Dallas wins one of the craziest games EVER. Take that, Chris Harrison.

• "This week on The Bachelor" ... Don't forget, everyone, sexiest bachelor ever! It's your world, Chris.
• Amazingly we're only in store for the most shocking party in bachelor history. Apparently even ABC has to admit that the history of the world has produced more shocking parties than a party featuring not one, but TWO twins! TWO! This is crazy times!
  
• Lindsey says she has to "step SOMEthing up" during the circus group date. Is she talking more on the lines of personality or ... skirt?
  
• I remember the first time I got to interact with an elephant. I said the same thing about the elephant as Sarah did. "Is she really outgoing?" Yes, Sarah, she's also very didactic and quixotic.
  
• Easy, over-laugher Jenni. Let's worry about dating long distance after Womack cuts 11 more girls.
• Brad's twin looks nothing like him. It needs to be said.
• "Yep" count during Brad's talk with McCarten: 4. And yep, it really was that awkward.
• Lindsey's Michigan accent is getting to me. "Graybbed." "Bayck."
• Hillary's loner jewelry: $1 Million. Watching Jade, Sheena and DeAnna react to Hillary's open flirting: priceless.
• Oh my. Hillary's eye twitch. Oh. The forehead vein, the tears and the red face are nice too. I'm going to Hell, right? Okay.
• Little regional dialect for everyone. East coast: Jimmies. West coast: sprinkles. Somehow I already knew this. More evidence of the useless info my brain holds onto.
• "Yep" count during Brad's talk with Cristy: 2.
• Ugh. Solisa. Just ugh. Apparently shaking her butt really fast is the only thing she knows how to do. Just ugh.
• Oh snap, cat fight! McCarten and DeAnna are 1) straight up witches, 2) catty and 3) have their cat claws out. They also both have 2 capital letters in their first names with no spaces.
• Wow, we actually do have a first in Bachelor history. What happens at the rose ceremony after you're busted by the Coast Guard? We'll see if Sheena makes it.
• Bettina's bomb drop "shocks" Brad. See, ABC? That really is shocking. Twin switch ... not so much. I think they mean most conniving cocktail party ever. Or tricky. Or schemey.
• Wait! ABC did some research. Turns out this is the most shocking party ever after all.
• Look, it's entirely possible I have no sense of style. With that said, another horrible tie Brad/Brad's twin.
• "Chad, I have a favor to ask. I see that you've styled your hair and grown your beard just like me and that you've flown out to LA from Texas and we're on camera and you're wearing the exact same f'ing suit, shirt and tie as me. Now that I've noticed that, I just had an idea that the producers did not plan out ahead of time. What if you go into this party and act like you're me?!" Honestly, ABC, just do your bit.
• Let's say it. Brad and ... Chad? C'mon, Womack parents.
• OK, I realize I make fun of what people say a lot and they're under pressure and on camera and not exactly themselves, but check this out. Just before Chad, Brad's twin brother, is about to go into a party and pretend like he's Brad. Brad says this to Chad: "I think if anybody can do it, you can." He actually said that shit!
• They actually don't know it's him. Maybe this is the most shocking party ever. I honestly have no idea what this means.
• Holy crap, Sheena. Thank you. I'd be freaked out and maybe crying a little bit too if I just hugged a complete stranger.
• OMG! Sarah doesn't realize it's Chad and effectively says "It's not you. It's me."
• Stephy with make up on and Stephy with make up off reminds me of "bad lighting girl" from Seinfeld.
• Woah! McCarten's decision room photo is horrible. Ticket. Hell. Me. Yes. One way.
• Contrast and compare.
  
• Jenni. Wow. Cocktail dress.
• It's official. Brad digs dangerous chicks wanted by the Coast Guard. Almost dying on a wave runner really paid off, Sheena.
• Aaaaaand Bettina's chin is almost enveloped by her neck when she gets the final rose.
• So long, Solisa. Your special parts will not be missed.
  

Next week: Love in a helicopter! Living it up when we're going doooown. Aerosmith? No? Okay. You're right.

What the hell?

Which Up is ganking my biz!

The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 2

I'm back. Let me start by punching my man card and saying I watched The Bachelor on delay because I was watching a crazy 13th inning in play-in game between the Rockies and the Padres. Wow. Okay, onto more manly things like watching 15 chicks try to date 1 dude.

• This week on The Bachelor, the "sexist date ever!" Yep, this date is one notch sexier than the previous sexiest date ever that we saw on last season's Bachelor. Think of how sexy the last sexiest date ever was. And then add more sexy to that.
  
• And it looks like we're in for our first (I get the feeling there may be many this season) visit from the paramedics. A chick passing out on The Bachelor is clockwork these days. Like watching Kanye freak the f out after every single VMAs.
  
• Am I the only one that misses the Officer and a Gentleman song? ... On a mountain high! Where the eagles fly! Good times.
• "Join me for a day at the races. -Brad" gets a giant "Awwww" from these girls? Love me some low expectations. Here's my pitch if I ever ask these girls out via written letter: "Meet me at Taco Bell. Whatever."
• Ok. Chick falls down the stairs and Sheena goes running out the front door screaming for help? I'm sorry, but is she Amish? Pick up the phone and call for help, girl.
• Wait. McCarten spots a football player in the neighboring luxury box? A linebacker? NOT in uniform? Let's say it: UPgrade.
• Allow me to continue to make light of a serious situation ... phone rings, Brad answers "This is Brad." Worst fake laughter ever from all the girls. If that's what these girls are laughing at, I think it's fair to assume that Brad is entirely NOT funny.
  
• Spoke too soon on McCarten. McCarten hears about Michelle taking a spill and her first thought is "How did she get Brad's number?" Look out, McCarten! Michelle is some kind of scary stalker girl! No way she got that number from one of the producers.
• DeAnna Popalotopapolos the Greek Southern girl continues to be the front runner. She is crazy cute.
  
• I'm with Hillary. How DARE you girls put on your bikinis in front of the injured Michelle? You should do the polite thing and lock yourselves in your rooms with paper bags over your heads.
• One girl's pose on the beach reminds me of this (not exactly office friendly).
• This is why The Bachelor is so much better than The Bachelorette. The "day at the races" girls are at home and have deemed themselves the classy girls where as the girls on the beach date "have good bodies" and are "fake". If this were The Bachelorette, the dudes would be at home doing keg stands, getting hammered and making lifelong friends. Where's the fun in that? We want to see insta-cliques and girl on girl hate based on the luck of the draw.
  
• Ando's right about Jenni. Her pre-kiss laugh about nothing was too much.
  
• Solisa certainly has morals, but what she has more of is cliches. "Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do so we'll see what happens." Girl is deep. I wonder if she could spell "esthetician" on the spot?
• No individual date? Interesting move by the producers. I usually love the one-against-all/all-against-one mentality the individual date creates. The producers are getting soft.
• My roommate Dave's idea for Bettina's confession ... probably would have been better if she started with a jaw-dropping lie and then downgraded to the less shocking real thing. For example, "I have to tell you something ... I'm a dude. [beat] Just kidding just kidding, I'm divorced. Not a dude, just divorced. Cool? Cool."
  
• Ok, look, I'm anything but an Adonis and if I was on this show, I'd be getting ripped to shreds and I'd deserve it too. But I'm not on this show and Mallory is. She's a butterface.
• Wait, did she just say "tatas"?
  
• Also, is Brad's tie horrible?
• Also, Solisa, put them away. We get it. You have giant morals.
• What is going wrong with this show? They just previewed the rose ceremony with absolutely no hyperbole. Without being told exactly how dramatic this rose ceremony is, I have no idea what to expect. And I don't like that.
• I'm starting to sour on Hillary. She's proven to be a real trash talker which I suppose is appropriate considering she's from Philly. I could picture her flinging batteries at the NY Giants football players.
• "Ladies, Brad, this is the final rose tonight. When you're ready ..." And just like that Chris is RIGHT back on his game. I never lost faith, Chris. Never.
• Next week, "the most shocking cocktail party ever" in which Brad and his bro pull the twin switch. I'm going to assume they mean in the history of the show and not the world cuz those twins that pulled the switcharoo in Richard Pryor's Moving ... I mean, that was shocking shit right there.

Looking forward to The Bachelor, Episode 3: Shock and Awe (With Twins).