Thursday, April 5, 2007


So it occurs to me that no one has applied the oh-so-clever couple moniker to John Mayer and Jessica Simpson. Initially I thought a cute Bennifer-esque title wasn't possible since both their names started with "J". So then I went to their last names and considered Mimpson or Mayson or Simpyer. But then I realized the exact same convention that was applied to Bennifer could be applied here: first syllable male + second two syllables female = Johnsica. But I digress.

I write because I have come to an interesting conclusion as a result of the Johnsica union that no one else seems to have mentioned yet. And to me, personally, this is a big deal. Here it is:

She must be cool.

I italicize "must" because up until Johnsica, there was no real reason to think of Mrs. Chicken of the Sea as cool. I think popular opinion of Simpson through her break up with Mr. Chicken of the Sea (Nick, if you're reading this, I had to do it) is as follows:
  1. Attractive, possibly even hot
  2. Decent singer
  3. Allegedly religious
  4. Alleged pre-marriage virgin
  5. Often cavity ridden
  6. Dumb as rocks
Considering her exposure via her music and her MTV reality show, I don't know how you could think much of else of her. Whatever you thought of her, I doubt you ever said, "What a cool girl that Jessica is."

My other reason for italicizing "must" is based on my personal opinion of John Mayer. I could really try to explain it to you, or I could explain it in the way most of my bros would explain it to you - "Luke would have John Mayer's butt baby." Which is a much cruder way of saying I have a severe man-crush on the dude. In defense of my man-crush, I find the dude to be the best guitar player I've ever come across, I find his lyrical subject matter to be truly unique and often thought-provoking (at least personally), the few personal interactions I've had with him (sadly, they were non-romantic) along with all his blog entries reveal him to be extremely intelligent, humorous and having not only a great taste in music, but one that is remarkably congruent with my own. Also I appreciate the way he's handled fame and musical success. I think he's still a normal person and hasn't gone Maroon 5 on us (read: turned into a pompous d-bag). I also think he has really put out the albums he's wanted to put out at each turn in his career (and even possibly in doing so introduced an entire generation of screaming 15 year old girls to blues music via his album "Try!").

Ok, I probably would have his butt baby.

So, play along and assume all my thoughts about John are true. Why in the hell would he date a pop-singing platinum blond that can't do laundry (literally) and thinks buffalo wings are made from actual buffaloes (she basically has no idea what she's ingesting at any moment)? When rumors of Johnsica first popped up, I chalked it up to "Go 'head, John. Get your groove back." But you have to disregard that John was only interested in bullet #1 above now that this "relationship" has gone on for months, right? After a while, you have to be able to enjoy each other's company, have interesting conversations, etc. Along that lines, I suppose it's possible to think that John has shunned all his apparent intelligence and now enjoys dining while wondering and really not knowing what type of animal he's eating, but that just doesn't seem likely to me.

With all that in mind, we have to assume that Jessica is actually cool. She can keep up with a someone from the Berklee School of Music in a conversation about the history of the blues. She has a full understanding of dry, sarcastic comedy. Maybe she even learned to do laundry.

She must be cool.

Otherwise, I've been impregnated by a long-haired falsetto-voiced idiot.


Anonymous said...

Interesting musings, Luke. My response would be that even though John Mayer is an extraordinarily talented, smart, and poignant individual...he is still a GUY!

Most heterosexual men from the age of 8-108 would have a hard time ignoring the feminine wiles of a tasty tart like Jessica Simpson. Even the NY anti-folk musician Adam Green (Moldy Peaches) wrote a song about her. Granted, it was wittingly tongue in cheek, but there is a thin line between loathing and lust!

I'm a little disappointed too, but willing to give John a break. It can be a real chore dating smart women--ask Paul!

Tricia Brand

Andrea said...

Hahaha I agree with your post, Luke...the whole paragraph about John being the best guitar player around and one who writes some damn good lyrics....but I'd also have to agree with Tricia when she says that he still is a GUY. Who wouldn't want to bone Jessica Simpson?? Especially John Mayer... the self proclaimed geek that he is. I see the whole thing as 20 points for the geeks...way to go, Mayer! I'm sure she's still an idiot, but with John being so intelligent, it's got to be exhausting dating someone up on his level, y'know?? He probably just needs a break!

LJ said...

Ladies, ladies, thanks very much for reading and for your commentary.

Tricia, Jessica is totally a "tasty tart". I cannot disagree. I also like the idea of 8 year olds wanting her hot ass.

Andrea, you're also right. As a geek, I could totally handle a break from my infinite smarts in the form of naked time with J-Simp.

With all that said, I did concede that John may just be in it for the booty when I said "When rumors of Johnsica first popped up, I chalked it up to 'Go 'head, John. Get your groove back.'" Translation: John's a guy.