The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Tahiti Drama

The episode that ABC has been teasing since mid-June. Let's see what you've got Frank AKA dude that I'm starting to wonder if the producers paid to keep on the show in order to increase the drama factor. Oh and Tahiti gets a crap load of free advertising. Drama in 3-2-1.

• What I like about Frank's establishing shots ... is that it seems like he is bobbing his head to the acoustic guitar riff they have rolling You have to have Ali teach you how to stare longingly out into space.
• Frank has 2 roller suitcases? What kind of man is this?
• Roberto carries around an actual cd ... with a jewel case ... of the Lion King? Can someone teach him that he can hide all the embarrassing music he wants on an iPod?
• Frank not only rocks the longing stare out into the nothing, but then caps it off with the dramatic removal of the glasses. Looks like someone's going to get a rose ... the final rose. Yowwwwwwwwwwww!
• Wait, let me try again. This is gonna be sweet ... fantasy suite. Yowwwwwwwwwwwww!
• Okay, one more. We might be looking at history here ... Bachelorette history. Yoowwwwwwww! Shoulda stopped at 2? I agree.
• Nicole who what? Oh right. The drummed up drama. How could I have forgotten?
• How can we drum up drama and stretch this episode? We bump out to Frank doing a voice over while he leaves the hotel. We bump in to Frank STILL doing a voice over while he walks the streets. Can we have him call someone and let the phone ring 7 times too?
• Frank, I say this as a guy who severely dislikes you ... shut UP, dude!! Your voice over has made us successfully not care about anything you do or say or feel ever.
• So far I'm a huge fan of Nicole ... who has not said a single word since sitting on the couch. I sincerely hope she's getting paid.
• Bah, she starts speaking only to reveal the worst news ever ... she likes Frank.
• This is the worst conversation ever. Frank is trying to see if he has a spark with Nicole by talking about how great things are with Ali. Good plan, Frank.
• The continuity issues with this conversation just sky rocketed to a ridiculous level. Shot 1 ... and jump cut to shot 2.
• You're spending the rest of your lives together? Great. You're perfect for each other. I'll buy your honeymoon for you if you would just shut your mouth.
• I just looked up from making my drawings above to see the ridiculous shot of Ali coming out of the water throwing her hair back. You do realize I was joking about the Tahiti commercial, right ABC?
• Was Roberto sweating profusely from the chest during their ride in that, uh ... what's it called. Those flying devices that have blades that spin around ... there was a black one in an 80s show named after a wolf of some kind ... I'm blanking.
• It needs to be said. This lagoon is ridiculous ... in spite of its heart shape that has been mentioned 74 times.
• I think it's really hot in Tahiti. Roberto is sweating balls again at dinner.
• Roberto has redundant tendencies when he gets nervous as in ... "I want to make sure my feelings are reciprocated back."
• From Harrison: "Dear Ali and Roberto, here's a room key. Someone get Roberto a cold shower cuz he is sweating like Shaquille O'Neal right now. PS as should already be apparent, I'm psychic ... how else could I have written this card ahead of time?"
• Euphamisms for sex so far: "He made it very clear tonight that he is in this for the long haul." "We get to spend special alone time together tonight."
• The Chris date has been rolling for a good 10 minutes now. I have nothing to say. They seem normal together. That's all I've got. Probably helps that they aren't at a beach that is arbitrarily shaped like something representing love.
• Are you allowed to just start cracking open clam shells like that? Do you need a permit or something?
• It's note-from-Harrison time. "Dear Ali and Chris, try your best to forget that Roberto and Ali cashed in on this card not too long ago. We won't give you same room or anything. It'll be a different room pretty far away from where Ali and Roberto had 'special time' ... so waddayasay?"
• I like that Frank packed 2 full bags even though he only came here to break up with Ali. And that he still refers to Nicole as his "ex girlfriend."
• Frank is amazing. Harrison: "How do you think Ali's going to take it?" Frank: "I have no idea." I think you have some idea, Frank.
• I've got a prediction ... Pain.
• I'm happy realizing I will never have such an odd conversation in my whole life as this Frank/Harrison convo is.
• Does Frank honestly not know what to do here? Did he expect Harrison to tell him to write a poem for her and it'd all be fine? Or maybe to ride it out until just after the fantasy suite and then let her know?
• Ali misses Frank? She's head over heels for him? What in the hell is going on in this world?
• "Ali, we need to talk ... and when I say talk, I mean we need to sit down and have the most pregnant pause ever ... so long that it makes you start crying before I even say anything. Wait for it. Wait for it. Nope, still not ready to start talking. Let's ride this silence out a little longer. This is a 2 hour show after all."
• If I was Frank, I'd break the ice with "It's so damn hot! Milk was a bad choice."
• And now let's both cry and put our heads in our hands and say nothing for 10 seconds. This is what our lives have led us to.
• Our first mope moan is accompanied with a dramatic tossing of flip flops. The producers are high fiving just off camera, right?
• Kudos to Dave ... how great would it have been if Harrison busted in with the fantasy suite card right before they hugged?
• Can someone remind Ali about the two dudes she boned in the last week?
• If you're Nicole, do you break up with Frank upon seeing him cry this much over another chick? I hope so ... a lot.
• Kudos to the producers for putting Frank's picture in the deliberation room. Man, Ali could really stick it to Roberto or Chris by giving a flower to Frank even when he's not there and is with another chick.
• Good news: Harrison also has high hopes that Ali's future husband is still participating in the game and hasn't dumped Ali for an ex girlfriend.
• Harrison: "I think we should still have a rose ceremony because ... we have some time to kill. So the guys are arriving soon ... by boat. Just wanted you to know their means of transportation in case that effects your decision. I know that your decision would be totally different if they were arriving by foot. Okay. When you're ready."
• Ali: "I'm a little nervous going into this rose ceremony because I have to tell the guys that I'm choosing them by default." (For the record, I typed this bullet before Ali specifically said she wasn't choosing them "by default" ... I'm not happy that she and I used the exact same phrase even if I was joking and she was serious.)
• Different country, same BS rose ceremony featuring a semi-weird and not-so-great dress from Ali and casual Friday from the gents.
• You know why I like Ali? Cuz she sums up a crazy vague and confusing monologue with "It is what it is." Dis-like.
• Up next, we take this show all the way overrrrrrrrr ... to a different part of Tahiti ... and Roberto continues to sweat profusely.

But first, the men tell all ... as if they hadn't been doing that all season ... some in the form of permanent body ink. Good times.

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Drama - Family Style!

This week, we're back in the good ol' US of A where Kirk shows Ali his dad's basement (not a euphemism), Roberto gives Ali a baseball card, Chris' family seems semi-normal and Frank remains insecure (probably because he lives with his parents).

• These establishing shots are so dumb. I couldn't really figure out what "back in the states" meant until I saw Ali actually walking "in the states."
• So Roberto lives in Tampa near a school I guess.
• Wow, hilarious ... a baseball jersey with a name on it. Let's over-laugh some more.
• Judging from his one and only at bat, Roberto really knows how to ground into a double play.
• I've had a lot of my own baseball cards that I've shown to girls I've been trying to date ... to no avail. If only those cards had been from said girl's home town, then apparently I would have faired a lot better.
• Ali is meeting Roberto's dad Roberto, his mom Olga, his sister Olga and his sister in law Olga. I only lied about one of the previous names.
• Roberto (the older one) to Ali: "What are some of your personal goals?" Ali: "Mine?" Roberto: "No, personal goals that aren't yours, you flipping weirdo."
• Ali's thought bubble while talking to Old-berto: "This guy likes trophies and baseball and sports, if I say 'team' A LOT, he's that much more likely to like me."
• And to finish it off, let's team up all the Robertos and Olgas and dance awkwardly in the living room.
• Next up ... welcome to rainy Cape Cod. Judging from Ali's tennis ball toss to Chris' dog, she didn't learn anything from Roberto (either of them).
• Ali: "When Chris is feeling comfortable, I'm feeling comfortable ... and vice versa." Not quite sure Ali has the term 'vice versa' all figured out yet.
• Huh ... apparently it's a "dennis" bracelet "as seen on The Bachelorette."
• I have nothing to say about Chris' family. They're extremely normal and cool and are knocking it out of the park with Ali (or at least she best be seeing it that way).
• Fun fact: both of Chris' sisters in law are named Olga. Not really.
• Ali's time with Kirk's family is off to a great start. Ali and the step mom just had a really awkward hand-shake-oh-wait-we're-hugging-wait-no-okay-yeah-we're-hugging exchange.
• And now for the oh-so-hyped taxidermy awkwardness. Judging from the previews, this is as good as this episode has to offer.
• Kirk's dad: "What that is ... is a caribou foot that I put eyes on." Ali: "Well, no shit what else would it be."
• Huh. Beyond all the visually aided caribou feet, Ali's dad seems pretty normal and actually offers up some really nice words and good advice to Ali and Kirk. Didn't see that coming.
• You know what's not gonna not suck? ABC's The Gates.
• What's more awkward than adult braces? Senior citizen braces. Well done, Kirk's mom.
• TV #2 is showing the "legends" soft ball game. Marisa Miller just laid down a stronger grounder than Roberto. Other weird note from the legends game: Bo Jackson is still alive. Who knew.
• I'll let Kirk sum it up: "I am falling for this girl and ... I have fallen. I fell ... recently for this girl. Me fall. I fallded."
• Ah, the L train, Navy Pier, the Cubbies ... there's no place like Tulsa.
• Hey Ali, we're going on a boat. It's like a helicopter built for the water.
• Ali: "What I like about Frank is that he's at a point where he can get up and go anywhere. And when I say 'get up,' I mean get up from the bed in his room in his parents' house. And when I say 'go anywhere,' I mean move out, get a job and try to become a man. It's kind of perfect for us."
• Most confusing line of the show so far: "I think Frank and I are great together."
• Great news. Dating In The Dark is back August 9th. So awkward and wonderful.
• Bummer. No Olgas in Frank's family.
• So I've heard of the "Deep V," but it looks like Frank is wearing the "Deep U?"
• Onto the cocktail party where Chris ends his second sit-down interview in a row with the girl crying. Thank goodness Ali didn't try to talk about her dog.
• It's announcement time and Roberto's tie is loose, Frank is wearing some kind of weird lapel jacket with jeans and Ali's mope face is on.
• My money is on Kirk going bye bye. Probably because of the caribou foot face. That's just something you can't un-see.
• It's like that old wive's tale says ... Put on some dress shoes, you get a rose. Well done, Chris.
• Kirk responds to rejection with a couple firm head nods, straight talk and a smile. Cold as ice!
• Ali responds with moping. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking.
• Nothing cures a broken heart like a free trip to Tahiti and awkward laughter. Check and check.

Next week: wow Tahiti is crazy gorgeous. Seriously. Oh and Frank "needs to talk." PS how was there not more footage of Jenny in this episode?

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Secrets

Heyo! So we're in some tropical location this week, right? Well hot or cold climates, looks like one of Ali's men always has some kind of secret bomb to drop. Let's see what we've got this week. Oh and happy birthday to America (yesterday) and Lubs today. 'Merica!!

• If the men weren't all in shorts and flip flops, I'd think this was the same square where they met in Iceland for the awkward poetry hour. Diversity!
• Theme of the episode so far: clap it out. No roses! (Clap clap clap.) Lisbon! (Clap clap clap.) Chris Harrison! (Clap clap clap.)
• Do the men get notes from the producers to roll with the ambiguous date card clues? Or are their reactions genuine? They haven't realized that every date card follows the formula of possibly sexual innuendo + common figure of speech + loose relation to the actual course of the date?
• I don't know if this date is going well or not ... I was too busy picking up one of those Canon cameras over on Amazon.co -- son of a b! They got me with the product spot again! Damn your oh-so-subtle and insanely effective marketing ploys. PS Ali and Roberto have nothing on us.
• Next date card ... "Let's find our future in the past." Okay so maybe my formula needs a little work cuz that one seems to just be a random jumble of words.
• Ali: "What kind of meals does your mom make?" Roberto: "All that Spanish stuff that I don't know what it's called." So either Roberto's vocabulary is wayyyy limited or his mom doesn't make tacos, burritos, enchiladas, tamales, arroz con pollo or any of the other 10 Spanish entrees I could reel off.
• Well I never thought I'd say this, but thank goodness for Jake and Vienna cuz that Roberto date buhhhhhhlewwwwwww.
• Frank, Ty and Ali hit the helicopter and actually react like people that have ridden on one 6 or so times in the last couple months. Well done, all.
• Now I see when the 2nd date card was so random ... cuz they already used the castle cliche and they're headed to another castle.
• Why are we whispering? It's just a deer.
• This just in ... a 2-on-1 date is less optimal than a 1-on-1 date. In other ground breaking news, Ali likes yellow, Portugal has a shit-ton of castles and Miss Lippy's car is green.
• Next date card: "Once upon a time ..." If I was producing this ep, I probably have gone with "Uh, we ran out of castle allusions, dude. You're going to a castle."
• I think Frank just said "I had a job, I went to Europe ... yadda yadda yadda I live with my parents." The man never ceases to amaze. He's got a new crazy card to play every week.
• "Would you live in a tree with me? Let's live in a tree." I repeat: I have no idea what Ali sees in Frank.
• Onto the Kirk date. Note to the producers: those giant beers aren't helping with continuity.
• Most of my fairy tales have giant cell towers too.
• You know what's better than this date? This.
• The buzz phrases for today are: "serious" and "a lot on my mind."
• Date card #4: "Love gets better with age ... and castles ... and helicopters. The Bachelorette!!" Okay maybe it didn't say all of that.
• Wow, Chris and the scooter ... someone get this guy a helicopter ride for the sake of his manhood.
• Now that Ali's behind the wheel, I'm fairly impressed the producers allowed this one. Could you imagine how badly the rest of the season would go if Ali scraped the crap out of her knees and elbows after a moped crash?
• Chris is out. There's no way she boots Roberto, Frank or Kirk over him. And I think she thinks Ty's hotter.
• Well it's rose ceremony time and we're 3 for 3: purposefully loosened tie for Roberto, casual Friday for Chris and a statement dress from Ali.
• Sign of how boring this episode was/is: they're giving a full 30 minutes to Jake and Vienna. I would take this personally, Ali. If I were you, I'd go into full messy hair / moan mode. Actually, that would be the perfect transition back into some prime time with Jake.
• Uh oh, Ty. You did not want Chris to get that rose. Thanks for dressing up at least, buddy.
• Tennis bracelet FTW! Nice pull, Chris.
• It's the rainiest limo-side goodbye in Bachelorette history.
• Wow, the super mope face is back. And the rain certainly isn't helping that hair.
• And now, the drama ... "Hi, I'm Chris Harrison. Many people have found love on our show ... well, actually 14 of the 14 bachelors have eventually broken up with the woman they gave their final rose to. And one super stud of the universe didn't give out a rose at all. Man those were the days! We've given you updates when our couples get married and even have children ... well technically both of those updates were about one couple: Trista and Ryan. They're the only couple we've actually produced. But no bother! This Jake and Vienna drama is solid white hot gold, baby!!! Get ready for a bucket-sized helping of awkward sauce."
• Most interesting tidbit so far ... Harrison went out to dinner with Jake and Vienna just for kicks? Is this a post-Bachelor tradition? Or do Jake and Harrison have some sort of special bro bond?
• So far what I'm hearing is ... Jake is an adult. Vienna is 18 (for all intents and purposes). A relationship not built around whirlwind dates around the world didn't work. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking.
• Jake! Bringing it. "Oh yes, baby, I've got text messages."
• This is some must-see shit right here. I've never seen such passive aggressive behavior from two people at the same time. I'm worried they're going to create some kind of passive aggressive black hole.
• Why did Vienna have a dude in her house that has a cuss word for a last name?
• I know what would solve all their issues: a paulie-o-graph test. Woah! Just as I typed it, Vienna said it too. Those pauli-o-graphs solve everything!
• Well lookie here. The original bach blogger awakens from her slumber. How say you, Sports Gal?
• The bleeps are fantastic. Apparently Harrison watched a Vienna interview on NB-$#*@ ... or the F#$& Network ... or HBO-&*#$
• New twist idea on an old classic tune courtesy of Vienna: "I Hate LA."
• Amazingly Vienna is coming out this looking less crazy here. I'm easily picturing him talking down to her 90% of the time.
• With that said, I fully support throwing GPS units in the back of the SUV and I freaking despise re-measuring furniture.
• Co-sign: "We don't ... really care about the dog."
• Harrison is so awesome. "How do we move forward? And when I say we, I actually don't mean we at all. I mean you. Probably should have just gone straight to 'you two' from the start there. Classic me -- I mean us -- no, wait, me. Yeah, 'me' is the right one there."
• While I agree that she is interrupting you, Jake, you really don't make a good impression by saying "again with the interruption" 16 times over.
• The disembodied "stay tuned" from Harrison as the camera points at a pitch black closed door ... might have been the moment of the episode.
• Even more hard hitting interview questions from Chris: "What do you make of what just happened? What just happened here?"
• I'll leave it to Harrison to sum up: "... but ... it is what it is." Someone sign this guy up for the next 10 seasons!
• My summary would have been ... "Both of you seem entirely undateable and I'm guessing hundreds of people just decided not to get engaged based on the last 30 minutes. Thanks to both of you for talking to us -- me -- us ... whatever, somethin'."

Next week, apparently the guy who lives with his parents does not have the most awkward date. That honor goes to Kirk's dad from Wisconsin. He likes taxidermy. And Frank likes being wound way way tight. So tight that he dates other girls to take the edge off. Good times.