apprentice quotes

episode 2:

"My body is mentally tired. My mind is mentally tired." -Verna who later spent hours walking the earth until Caroline was nice enough to drive around and rescue her from walking the Jersey shore for the rest of her life

"YES, I REFURBISH HOMES FOR A LIVING! THAT IS WHAT I DO!" -The crazy guy who I didn't even know was on the show until he started screaming unprovoked at the second board meeting

my sister the instant message comedian

so my sister kellyn (kel in the messages below) was slaying me via instant message yesterday. she starts out commenting on how she didn't like that "lost" didn't win a golden globe for best tv drama.

[16:47] kel: So that was sucky that lost lost to nip tuck
[16:47] kel: lost lost thats fun to say
[16:48] LtotheJizay33: i'm totally lost on the the idea that lost lost
[16:49] kel: yeah when lost lost i was totally lost
[16:50] LtotheJizay33: it was such a loss when lost lost
[16:50] kel: haha ok and were done

-->hysterical laughter point #1

[16:51] LtotheJizay33: that was pretty much unquestionably the funniest thing you've ever written on im
[16:51] kel: really?
[16:51] LtotheJizay33: yeah, the delivery in my head is perfect
[16:52] kel: haha perfect...glad to make tuesday jan 18 memorable
[16:52] LtotheJizay33: mark it down, y'all
[16:52] kel: did you know that in your lifetime you will eat at least 8 spiders while you are sleeping
[16:52] LtotheJizay33: i actually did
[16:52] kel: that is what my snapple jsut told me...grosse
[16:53] LtotheJizay33: and i think that rumor/fact/myth is total BS
[16:53] LtotheJizay33: but it is fun to say to people that are scared of spiders
[16:53] kel: yeah i dont know how they studied that one to come up with the answer
[16:53] LtotheJizay33: and people that are scared of eating
[16:53] kel: yeah haha
[16:53] kel: but i bet you did not that beavers use to be the size of bears
[16:53] kel: that is crazy to think about
[16:54] kel: can imagine the size of their dams?

-->hysterical laughter point #2

[16:54] LtotheJizay33: either i'm slap happy or you are on a gd roll
[16:54] kel: i think im on a roll..im in a goofy mood today
[16:55] kel: glad to be entertaining you in your last leg of work though
[16:58] LtotheJizay33: seriously, jai and i are rolling
[16:58] kel: really?
[16:58] LtotheJizay33: that is crazy to think about .... that's the funny lead in
[16:58] kel: haha yeah...now im laughing
[16:58] LtotheJizay33: yeah, cuz it sounds like you're getting all into it
[16:58] LtotheJizay33: that is CRAZY to think about!?
[16:59] kel: haha...when i first read that fact i was pretty shocked...and some images of brown bear size beavers building dams the size of houses popped into my head
[17:00] kel: they could serisouly kill someone with their tail

-->honestly, you're laughing right now, right?

[17:00] LtotheJizay33: seriously, we have to take your act on the instant message comedy tour
[17:01] kel: ok...it can jsut all be baout snapple facts...it will be great
[17:01] kel: good stuff
[17:05] kel: F bees...now bear sized beavers thats scary s**t
[17:06] LtotheJizay33: lol
[17:06] LtotheJizay33: slapping with their huge tails
[17:07] kel: haha yep...and holdin you hostage in their mansion sized dams

-->this is probably the joke i'm most proud of ... so clever, ridiculous and hilarious ... the hostage thing implies just a ridiculous level of evilness in these beavers and the fact that she tied it back into the size of the dams ... i mean, gd, i'm shedding a little tear of proudness here ... i'm seriously tickled just thinking about how funny this is ... bear sized beavers that build mansion-sized dams and then go kidnap people and tie them up, that's my kind of comedy there

[17:07] LtotheJizay33: seriously, you need to stop
[17:08] kel: haha
[17:09] kel: buck teeth have a whole different meaning to me now

-->pretty good capper

well done, kellyn. well done. welcome to kinko's.

basketball at its finest

i don't think i'll do this very often, but what i always contemplated a team doing this in high school since we didn't have shot clocks either.

hoops, baby

good thing they told me

apple has put out a new very small ipod called 'ipod shuffle'. my first reaction is "meh". that's not what i'm posting about. one of the disclaimers on the web page is a classic. go here and scroll all the way down and check out #2 in small grey print on the left hand column. really? ... i mean, you really had to tell me that?

edit: let it be known that my reaction has been changed from "meh" to "I WANT THAT! WHY NOT ME!?"

2nd edit: #2 used to say "Do not eat Ipod Shuffle." It really said that. I have witnesses.

ando

if you know my friend ryan anderson, i triple-dog dare you to click on this link and not laugh. ready? go.

www.ryannguitaranderson.com

did you read the quick review? ando's official new nickname is "ice cream for the ears". has a metaphor ever made less sense? cameron crowe's movies have been described as shoe laces for the brain.

last resort

i work in a one story office building. i work in about the middle office, suite 115. i get a call today from a guy who says "i'm trying to call so-and-so company and they're listed as suite 123 in your building. i've been calling and not getting answer. are they still there?" i actually didn't know if there even was a suite 123. i take my cordless phone and walk down there. yep, there is a business in 123 and there are people in there. i contemplate actually walking in and handing them the phone. i tell the guy "yeah, they're in business. i'd say just keep calling."

comments:
firstly, what kind of commerce situation are you in where you are calling a business (in a pretty desperate state apparently) and yet aren't even sure if they're in business? secondly, it seems to me this guy had these thoughts earlier today ... "man, why aren't they answering?! it's possible that i'm just calling an empty room with a phone. i'll call the company next door and make sure i'm not calling an empty room with a phone." thirdly, did he do some kind of reverse phone book look-up by address to get OUR number? last i checked the phone book wasn't organized geographically.

self promotion

if you want a vintage t-shirt all about an event you had nothing to do with, check out the shirts i made for our upcoming half-marathon run. feel free to pick one up. you'll be the talk of the town, i'm sure.

music binge

i went on a bit of a music buying binge using this service i've found called allofmp3. i know it looks sketchy but it's legit and you get perfect quality at around 80 cents an album. thanks to my bro lubs for this article which is responsible for most of my purchases. here's what i picked up. i'll come back and review accordingly.

Green Day American Idiot -- i see why it's good, but the genre is lost on me at the present time
Beta Band From Heroes to Zeroes -- little too weird for me
Keane Hopes and Fears -- uh, fine, good ... fine
Phoenix Alphabetical -- my favorite album of the binge, very solid
Razorlight Up All Night -- some good stuff, cool sound
The Futureheads The Futureheads -- only a couple keeper songs
Paul Weller Studio 150 -- old man doing covers ... lost on me
Rogue Wave Out of the Shadow -- it'd be hard for this band to sound more like the shins ... my first instinct: they should have left it to the shins
Mos Def The New Danger -- some great stuff, mos def knows how to pump out the hot beats
SpyMob Sitting Around Keeping Score -- my high hopes for this album were dashed
The Thrills Let's Bottle Bohemia -- cool voice and sound, just doesn't grab me right off the start
Tahiti 80 Wallpaper For The Soul -- not even really close to as good as the other album of theirs that i have
Starsailor Silence Is Easy -- very interesting voice for the lead singer, songs just don't come together for me
Ari Hest Someone To Tell -- not good basically
Jimmy Eat World Static Prevails (1996) -- serious punk from JEW, for me, nowhere near as good as their other 3 albums
D'Angelo Voodoo -- i am really enjoying this album
The Von Bondies Pawn Shoppe Heart -- some great brit punk
Athlete Vehicles & Animals -- a couple really solid tracks mixed with some stuff that i thought was just noisy
Clinic Winchester Cathedral -- not for me at all
The Libertines The Libertines -- i see why they're good, not for me though
The All-American Rejects -- pretty good stuff reminiscent of jimmy eat world
Charlie Mars -- meh, nothing stands out
Tom McRae Just Like Blood -- very cool voice, great singer songwriter
Iron & Wine Our Endless Numbered Days -- totally original sound, great album
Van Hunt Van Hunt -- some great r&b stuff
Ray LaMontagne Trouble -- another awesome voice, "trouble" is awesome

to my knowledge, my bro lubbers bought the following so i'll steal these from him and then review later:
the coral
camper von beethoven
danger mouse

happily pissing off strangers

so i play fantasy football. if you don't know, ask me some time. anyway, i play in free leagues against total strangers on yahoo just for kicks. and in those stranger leagues, you can do live drafts that involve chat. so in one of my leagues, my team name was "bruce dickinson" name after a character played by christopher walken in the ridiculously funny cowbell sketch.

anyway, during the live draft, this retard going with the uber-geek team name of SkyforceXXXIX announces "get ready for this sleeper" using the chat and then selects joey harrington. if you don't realize how retarded this is, let me just tell you that choosing joey harrington (a quarterback who starts on a highly offensive team) is the furthest thing from a sleeper. this is equivalent to me walking into a meeting at rolling stone magazine and announcing "you guys have to listen to this band ... they're kinda old, but they're awesome ... the BEATLES! really, check 'em out they're AWESOME!" okay, maybe that's hyperbole, but it's close.

so i make no secret of how idiotic this kid is and how harrington was in no way a sleeper pick. the kid gets more and more flustered and eventually resorts to "just play your team, ok?" of course, at this point, i love that i'm getting to this kid and respond with "no thanks, i'll play yours."

anyway, once the season starts, you can post messages that can be viewed by the whole league. here's a log of the crap-talking that went on in this league filled with people that have never nor will ever see each other in their life:

1. after KILLING skyforce in our first head to head match up.
skyforce?!
by: Bruce Dickinson (lukejohnson33) Sep 12 4:35pm
skyforce,

say it ain't so. i DID NOT just put up 102 on you. i refuse to believe ... with all your awesome sleepers, how could i have done it?

2. response from skyforce
Bruce
by: SkyforceXXXIX (packerholic_4) Sep 13 11:58am
You had an abnormal week and you're rubbing it in my face. I didn't claim to know all about football. I just reported what I read in FF magazines. If you look at my team, you'll see if I had played Brady and Dunn instead, it would have been a lot closer. Who could have predicted McCalister would only rush for 50 some yards and the Chief offense would lay an egg against Denver.

The first week is always a toss-up. What matters is the end of the season. It looks to me that all you proved this week is that you're a bad winner. Despite your mouth, I still hope to have fun this season and I still wish everyone best of luck... even you.

3. my response to skyforce's response
skyforce for president
by: Bruce Dickinson (lukejohnson33) Sep 13 7:34pm
if y'all didn't read skyforce's last post ... it is epic. i nearly cried.

4. skyforce's response to my response to skyforce's response
Bruce for Jim Rome impersonator
by: SkyforceXXXIX (packerholic_4) Sep 17 2:17pm
I take it by your lame response that I hit a nerve.
"It was a phenomenal response. Epic!! I'm out. Rack-um."

5. random post by me after being undefeated 6 games into the season
...
by: Bruce Dickinson (lukejohnson33) Sep 28 8:40am
...

really, with my record, do i even need to say anything?

6. other people start jumping on the "we hate bruce" bandwagon. this message was posted after i beat another team in the league to stay undefeated.
Good Grief!!
by: Dickie's Boys (dickiepoo22000) Oct 4 6:54am
Two players with goose eggs and a kicker with only an extra point... merry xmas Mr. Dickinson!

notice that they actually seem to think my name is bruce dickinson. "i gotta get more cowbell on that track."

7. my response to dickie's boys:
griefy
by: Bruce Dickinson (lukejohnson33) Oct 4 8:05am
uuuuum ... booyah?

8. another person laments not being able to beat me:
Geez
by: Flint Cheeky Monkeys (plaguebearer666) Nov 1 5:37pm
It would have been nice if my team would have shown up for the game.

9. my response to the flinty cheeky monkeys. probably the one i'm most proud of:
flinty
by: Bruce Dickinson (lukejohnson33) Nov 5 9:19am
i think it is necessary to change your name from flinty cheesy monkeys to "i only scored 14 points in week 8"

10. and the finishing piece ... totally un-provoked crap talking from a team called the buzzkillers. i really had the whole league on tilt.
DOWN TO "BRUCE DICK"!
by: Buzzkillers (msfrey1974) Dec 13 2:24pm
GOOD LUCK TO WHOEVER PLAYS BRUCE THE SH@# TALKER. PENDING ALL MY INJURIES YOUR LUCKY I DID NOT MAKE IT TO THE PLAYOFFS BUD. REMEMBER I STOMPED YOU WHEN WE PLAYED LAST. I FEEL YOU WILL LOSE AND I WILL LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT. THERE IS NOTHING LIKE WATCHING SHI# TALKERS GO DOWN!!!

sadly at this point i was not paying any attention to the league or else i really would have laid into this one. i just discovered this post today after the league had ended. after all was said, 15 out of 19 public messages were about me or me talking $hi#. i ended up taking third due to complete neglect. the season was obviously a W for me though considering how many of these kids i had put on tilt strictly through draft chat and message boards.

"i've got a fever and the only prescription is putting more random strangers on tilt over absolutely nothing."