apprentice quotes

episode 2:

"My body is mentally tired. My mind is mentally tired." -Verna who later spent hours walking the earth until Caroline was nice enough to drive around and rescue her from walking the Jersey shore for the rest of her life

"YES, I REFURBISH HOMES FOR A LIVING! THAT IS WHAT I DO!" -The crazy guy who I didn't even know was on the show until he started screaming unprovoked at the second board meeting

my sister the instant message comedian

so my sister kellyn (kel in the messages below) was slaying me via instant message yesterday. she starts out commenting on how she didn't like that "lost" didn't win a golden globe for best tv drama.

[16:47] kel: So that was sucky that lost lost to nip tuck
[16:47] kel: lost lost thats fun to say
[16:48] LtotheJizay33: i'm totally lost on the the idea that lost lost
[16:49] kel: yeah when lost lost i was totally lost
[16:50] LtotheJizay33: it was such a loss when lost lost
[16:50] kel: haha ok and were done

-->hysterical laughter point #1

[16:51] LtotheJizay33: that was pretty much unquestionably the funniest thing you've ever written on im
[16:51] kel: really?
[16:51] LtotheJizay33: yeah, the delivery in my head is perfect
[16:52] kel: haha perfect...glad to make tuesday jan 18 memorable
[16:52] LtotheJizay33: mark it down, y'all
[16:52] kel: did you know that in your lifetime you will eat at least 8 spiders while you are sleeping
[16:52] LtotheJizay33: i actually did
[16:52] kel: that is what my snapple jsut told me...grosse
[16:53] LtotheJizay33: and i think that rumor/fact/myth is total BS
[16:53] LtotheJizay33: but it is fun to say to people that are scared of spiders
[16:53] kel: yeah i dont know how they studied that one to come up with the answer
[16:53] LtotheJizay33: and people that are scared of eating
[16:53] kel: yeah haha
[16:53] kel: but i bet you did not that beavers use to be the size of bears
[16:53] kel: that is crazy to think about
[16:54] kel: can imagine the size of their dams?

-->hysterical laughter point #2

[16:54] LtotheJizay33: either i'm slap happy or you are on a gd roll
[16:54] kel: i think im on a roll..im in a goofy mood today
[16:55] kel: glad to be entertaining you in your last leg of work though
[16:58] LtotheJizay33: seriously, jai and i are rolling
[16:58] kel: really?
[16:58] LtotheJizay33: that is crazy to think about .... that's the funny lead in
[16:58] kel: haha yeah...now im laughing
[16:58] LtotheJizay33: yeah, cuz it sounds like you're getting all into it
[16:58] LtotheJizay33: that is CRAZY to think about!?
[16:59] kel: haha...when i first read that fact i was pretty shocked...and some images of brown bear size beavers building dams the size of houses popped into my head
[17:00] kel: they could serisouly kill someone with their tail

-->honestly, you're laughing right now, right?

[17:00] LtotheJizay33: seriously, we have to take your act on the instant message comedy tour
[17:01] kel: ok...it can jsut all be baout snapple facts...it will be great
[17:01] kel: good stuff
[17:05] kel: F bees...now bear sized beavers thats scary s**t
[17:06] LtotheJizay33: lol
[17:06] LtotheJizay33: slapping with their huge tails
[17:07] kel: haha yep...and holdin you hostage in their mansion sized dams

-->this is probably the joke i'm most proud of ... so clever, ridiculous and hilarious ... the hostage thing implies just a ridiculous level of evilness in these beavers and the fact that she tied it back into the size of the dams ... i mean, gd, i'm shedding a little tear of proudness here ... i'm seriously tickled just thinking about how funny this is ... bear sized beavers that build mansion-sized dams and then go kidnap people and tie them up, that's my kind of comedy there

[17:07] LtotheJizay33: seriously, you need to stop
[17:08] kel: haha
[17:09] kel: buck teeth have a whole different meaning to me now

-->pretty good capper

well done, kellyn. well done. welcome to kinko's.

basketball at its finest

i don't think i'll do this very often, but what i always contemplated a team doing this in high school since we didn't have shot clocks either.

hoops, baby

good thing they told me

apple has put out a new very small ipod called 'ipod shuffle'. my first reaction is "meh". that's not what i'm posting about. one of the disclaimers on the web page is a classic. go here and scroll all the way down and check out #2 in small grey print on the left hand column. really? ... i mean, you really had to tell me that?

edit: let it be known that my reaction has been changed from "meh" to "I WANT THAT! WHY NOT ME!?"

2nd edit: #2 used to say "Do not eat Ipod Shuffle." It really said that. I have witnesses.

ando

if you know my friend ryan anderson, i triple-dog dare you to click on this link and not laugh. ready? go.

www.ryannguitaranderson.com

did you read the quick review? ando's official new nickname is "ice cream for the ears". has a metaphor ever made less sense? cameron crowe's movies have been described as shoe laces for the brain.

last resort

i work in a one story office building. i work in about the middle office, suite 115. i get a call today from a guy who says "i'm trying to call so-and-so company and they're listed as suite 123 in your building. i've been calling and not getting answer. are they still there?" i actually didn't know if there even was a suite 123. i take my cordless phone and walk down there. yep, there is a business in 123 and there are people in there. i contemplate actually walking in and handing them the phone. i tell the guy "yeah, they're in business. i'd say just keep calling."

comments:
firstly, what kind of commerce situation are you in where you are calling a business (in a pretty desperate state apparently) and yet aren't even sure if they're in business? secondly, it seems to me this guy had these thoughts earlier today ... "man, why aren't they answering?! it's possible that i'm just calling an empty room with a phone. i'll call the company next door and make sure i'm not calling an empty room with a phone." thirdly, did he do some kind of reverse phone book look-up by address to get OUR number? last i checked the phone book wasn't organized geographically.

self promotion

if you want a vintage t-shirt all about an event you had nothing to do with, check out the shirts i made for our upcoming half-marathon run. feel free to pick one up. you'll be the talk of the town, i'm sure.