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"Tonight after LOST ... how the university is battling pigeon problems with mind-altering drugs."

[Cut to slo-mo shot of pigeon appearing to stumble about.]

KGUN9 in Tucson

You can't make this shit up. And I didn't.

Commercials

Let's talk about 'em.

Firstly, is Claire Danes the cutest thing ever in this Gap man-girl-pants commercial? Don't answer that. Yes.



Secondly, I really want to drop an f-bomb about the Buffalo Wild Wings commercial featuring the slow clap.

Let's get this straight right off the bat. That is NOT the correct use of the slow clap, you friggin' bastards. The slow clap is correctly used as follows:

1. There is some large public gathering.
2. An individual that has not quite been accepted by the general public chooses to address the entire crowd.
3. The crowd watches on during the speech with absolutely zero reaction.
4. The speech ends and there is a long pause.
5. At which point, the individual's arch nemesis slowly rises and begins to clap slowly.
6. The slow clap!
7. Awe and dismay over the nemesis' clapping leads the entire crowd to eventually rise up in cheer.
8. The awkward individual is accepted by all and is celebrated for years to come.
9. The end.

You DO NOT slow clap when some dumb server almost spills wings and then saves them by diving to the ground. She friggin' hit the deck to save some wings. You'd either think she's a moron and do nothing or you'd go nuts and cheer like you won the superbowl if you were drunk. You would under no circumstances execute the slow clap. If anyone argues with me about this, there's a chance I will have no choice but to physically fight you.

I couldn't find a copy of the commercial I'm bitching about above. Watch any 20 minute segment of March Madness and you'll see it. And then you'll totally agree with me and want to choke the ad execs that came up with this crap ad. Your reaction might not happen in that order.

Special kind of people

I'd like to take a moment to recognize a particularly special brand of people that are new to this earth - the people who accept myspace friend requests from porn spammers.

Let me fill you in if you're unfamiliar with these people. Just like email spam, there is myspace spam. You'll get a friend request from some random girl and her profile will say something like -- well, hell, here's an actual excerpt. I can't write anything funnier than this:

"I go to college, enjoy chatting online, playing my xbox. I'm shy in person so trying to meet guys or girls off here.

Friends keep asking me to take revealing pics of myself. I've taken some but myspace won't let us post nude pics. If you want to see my revealing ones, I've uploaded a ton of pics to my free profile here"

Damn MySpace and their anti-freedom of nudity laws! They are keeping this shy girl from uploading all her nude pics to the world! Damn you, MySpace!

So, anyway, you get the idea. There are profiles on MySpace that are really nothing more than disguised advertistements for porn.

This is where the special people come into play. For each myspace spam you get, there are a group of dudes that have not only accepted this non-person's request for cyber-friendship, but they've posted comments.

Check this screen shot:


As you can see, besides Tom, these people are special.

For example, "Perfectly Flawed" enjoys welding, drinking AND smoking. How is this guy NOT my friend?

And Brad, well what a sweety, he hopes that Sherri's day is bright just because. You know what's not bright, though? Brad's profile. Holy crap, I'm scared and I'm 27.

Here's to you, Brad and Perfectly Flawed. May all your friendships with online porn ads be fruitful.