My Three Least Favorite Harry Potter Cliches

So now that the Potter series is over (book form and film form), let's talk about the 3 most annoying recurring themes.

1. We all knew Harry Potter wasn't going to die in books 1 - 6. J.K. made it clear from the start that there are 7 years of school and there will be 7 books in the end. And yet every book the plot was always basically "uh oh, someone's out to kill Harry. Watch out!" Severus, Voldemort, Sirius Black ... it didn't matter. I wasn't worried. I knew book 5 wasn't going to be Hermione Granger and the Frizzy Hair. I knew book 6 wasn't going to be Ron Weasley and the Lack of Confidence.
2. Ron and Harry always sass Hermione when she says something with confidence. "Harry, get started on the tent." ... followed by Harry going "A tent? Where am I going to be able to find a tent!?" We're in book 7, Harry. Haven't you learned that Hermione has everything figured out at all times? PLUS we're talking about magic here. When Hermione says tent or gum drop or elephant that poops ice cream, I don't think it's a stretch to realize she can manifest anything in the world. And furthemore, Hermione's the only one that's actually good at magic.
3. Expelliarmus. F'ing expelliarmus. It's the only spell Dumbledore's Army knows. The Death Eaters can leave fangy clouds, turn into flying smoke monsters, split their soul into 7 pieces so they are basically invincible and actually kill people with their spells, but they can't fight off expelliarmus - the first f'ing spell you learn at Hogwarts. I thought you guys were pros, Death Eaters. Hold onto your wands, you f'ing rookies ... and you might have actually won this thing.

The Best iTunes Marathon Smart Playlist

So I've already documented the best smart playlist of all time - my Master Playlist. One place though where the master playlist won't do ... is while running.

When it comes to distance running, I break things into 3 phases:

1. Running1 - Songs to kick start your run early in the morning and get you going. Upbeat songs that might lean towards having a long lead in. Think "Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Polution" by AC/DC or "Knocked Up" by Kings of Leon.
2. Running2 - I use these playlists when running half marathons and marathons and my secret to a good long run is keeping a good pace in the middle of the race. These songs tend to have a nice groove and often end up being the highlight of my run. Think "Use Me" by Bill Withers or "Covered in Rain" by John Mayer (what was once my most played song ever).
3. Running3 - Now that Running2 has effectively saved you from burning out at Mile 20, these are the drop dead adrenaline songs that are gonna bring you into the finish. Think "See Through Head" by The Hives or "Positive Tension" by Bloc Party.

So use the comments field in iTunes to label your songs as Running1, Running2 or Running3 according to the rules above and you'll have laid the ground work.

Now time to load the playlist. I like to be surprised by what's coming on next on my run, but obviously not totally surprised (I mean, we can't have a Running3 at the beginning of the run - am I RIGHT!?!?). So to load your playlist, first figure out how long you're going to be running for - let's say 2 hours. Divid the time into thirds (ish) - let's say 45 minutes for each third. Then set up 1 playlist to randomly pull 45 minutes of Running1, another playlist to pull 45 minutes of Running2, and another to pull 45 minutes of Running3.

Load all three of these playlists into one final playlist in order (so all the Running1s are first, Running2s are second, etc.) and voila!

You now have a random (and yet predictable) set of tunes that are going to pump you up, set your pace and let you finish strong (TWSS).

For example, here's what my system just spit out for tomorrow's Aspen Half Marathon:

Easy, right? What? I have too much time on my hands. Okay, fine. Ruin my fun.

Don't drink and ride

In the afore mentioned carbon footprint killing bike ride, I remember having my water bottle with me. Looks like I found a well camouflaged replacement for the ride home.


Yes. There was still beer in it.


For what it's worth, the "silver bullet" didn't seem to help my speed at all.

Location:E Hyman Ave,Aspen,United States

I am a Mac Genius!

So there's a power outtage at the liquor store yesterday. They are being forced to calculate sales tax by hand, write down credit card numbers for later charge, etc.

The girl behind the counter asks if I have an iPhone. I say "yes." she hands me her phone and says "can you take the calculator out of scientific mode?"



I take the phone from her. Turn the screen so it's facing her and rotate to the left.


Result:


I may or may not have said the following:


I am a Mac Genius! That'll be $65. Thanks.

Location:S Ute Ave,Aspen,United States

How to not win a reality show immediately

I've watched a lot of reality TV shows in my day and I've learned ... winning them is hard. Losing them on the other hand is quite easy. So here's how to NOT win a reality show right off the bat. (Some of these will work better on some shows than others, but I'm confident they'll all work in the end.)

• Grab everyone's attention and proclaim "Listen up, everyone. I didn't come here to win. I came here to make friends!"
• Drink as much alcohol as you possibly can on day/night one.
• Establish yourself as the domineering "leader" and tell everyone what to do.
• Walk up and personally tell each contestant that you disrespect them.
• Walk up and personally tell each contestant that they are fake.
• Whenever possible, say "Look, if there's one thing about me ... it's that I'm not real. And I don't like real people. If I'm anything, I'm just really really really not real."
• Avoid establishing friendships / partnerships at all.
• Establish a friendship / partnership that you make insanely obvious to everyone NOT in said friendship / relationship.
• Truthfully tell someone that you love him/her. Optional: continuously repeat "I mean it."
• "Y'all can talk to me all you want, but I'm not gonna open up. I'm NOT gonna put myself out there." Say that ... a lot. And mean it.
  
• Ask "What are the right reasons to be here?" When someone answers, respond with "Oh. Well that doesn't sound like me at all. Come to think of it, I am here for all the exact opposite reasons you just mentioned."
• Don't wear pants. (Obvious I know, but I want this list to be complete.)

Ladies, contestant, this is the final tribe has spoken you're fired.

How to buy the Beats by Dre ControlTalk cord only

I did it. I beat the Internet. In August of 2010, I scoured the Internet to buy this cord only. I didn't want the headphones. I just wanted the male-to-male cord that has the play/pause and the volume up/down control (aka ControlTalk) that comes with the Beats by Dre Solo and Solo HD headphones.



After a hard target search, I reached out to Flickr, Twitter, Facebook and even the Nerdist forum. No one knew how to buy this thing.

Well I figured it out. If you want to buy the Monster Beats by Dre ControlTalk cord only, just ...

1. Call Monster at 1 877 800-8989
2. Press 2 for Customer Service
3. Press 1 for Headphones
4. Press 2 to be connected to Sales
5. Tell the sales person that eventually picks up that you want a replacement ControlTalk cord

The cord costs about $35 plus shipping and ships from California. Apparently you can only order by phone at the moment - so much for the decade of the Internet, eh?

You're welcome.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Actually Picks a Girl

I can't remember a more polarizing final pair of contestants. I still really can't figure out what Brad sees in Chantel. Let's find out who he freaks out about less. It better be Emily.

• South Africa photographs well.
• Brad's crying. Was it The Chad? The Chad. The Chad.
• Brad standing next to Chad is a weird experiment in working out and not working out. It's like if P90x before and after photos could hug each other.
• I really wanted Brad to introduce Chantel as Chantel O.
• Chantel "just knew" when she first saw Brad? Was this before or after slapping him in the face?
• Wes is the younger brother? He doesn't look it or sound it at all.
• Chantel: "I do honestly feel in my heart of hearts that at the end of the day Brad and I will be together." Uuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.
• I get why Emily's history has come up so often, but she's not the only one that used to have a husband. Why does Chantel's history come up so little?
• The Chad: "Emily is poised. She is extremely poised."
• Emily is clearly winning the meet-the-family round. I don't think I remember such a one-sided opinion at this stage of the last episode.
• Shark swimming time. I wonder if Chantel thinks sharks are afraid of cleavage.
• 
• Spoiler alert! The sharks kill no one. Especially Chantel.
• Is Chantel a cartographer? That is a really good looking map.
• Chantel just did 2 things. 1) She said "I choose you." 2) She cheered her own love letter. Allow me to retort. 1) No shit you choose Brad. He is THE Bachelor. There is no one else to choose. 2) Booooooooooooooooooo!
• Hey Brad, FYI I'd be fine with you never calling Chantel "Channy" again.
• Oh thank God. 70 minutes in and we hadn't had a helicopter ride. I was starting to twitch.
• F you, Dr. Scholls!
• Emily wins. What a cutie pie.
• 
• Oh no. She's grilling Brad about Riki. Not good. Even with her cute face.
• Defeated. Huh. Well that went ... not goodly.
• It's time the curtain opening / leaning on balcony / staring longingly into the ocean / walk across the hotel property montage.
• Crap. He's picking Chantel, isn't he?
• If "amazing" means "gaudy", then yes that ring is amazing, Brad.
• Chantel holds the dress on the hanger in front of her body. Good call, Chantel. Wouldn't want to just put that dress on willy nilly. PS there's a peacock on your right shoulder.
• How will they play it this year? Chantel is first out of the limo, but there's no telling what that means.
• He's starting his Chantel speech on the positive tip ... usually not good for ending on the positive tip.
• He skips "... but" and goes for "... and here's where it gets tough." Ouch. I might actually feel bad for Chantel right now.
• Lesson learned, ladies: don't give it up in an open air bedroom in the middle of a South African safari.
• 14 year age difference between these love birds. Wild.
• I think Big Swayze just pulled the same tie adjustment move with Emily as he did on the last final rose ceremony with Newnan and what's her face. Odd.
• Well done, you two. You steered through a lot of crazy chicks and drama to get here.

Congrats to Mr. and Mrs. Big Swayze. And Little Riki Swayze. Adios, amigo! I'll catch up on after the final rose here shortly.