funny pics

i wanted to see all these next to each other

thomas jackson cruise

i don't want to have one of those blogs that just points to other blogs, but these photos from cruise's recent appearance on oprah just need to be seen.

enjoy

seinfeld

so i saw seinfeld do stand up at the tucson music hall last night. yeah, i didn't know jerry would come to tucson either. anyway, a couple things about the show.

what is with the laugh clap? goes like this:

comedian: joke1
audience: laugh
comedian: joke2
audience: laugh
comedian: joke3 that refers to joke1
audience: laugh that is then followed by clapping

do we clap because we think the comedian just conquered a short term memory problem? because we loooove it when comedy is combined with history? or maybe because we forgot that joke and are just overjoyed at the idea that the comedian helped us remember? i really don't get it.

also, did you know that comedians do encores? because i didn't. dude told a bunch of jokes, left, we clapped, he came back out and told some more jokes. did everyone know he had more material? were they all saying "he's totally coming back, he hasn't done 'the difference between great and sucks' joke yet"?

yes, i apparently quote myself

i am proud of my ability to make my bro, ando laugh via instant messaging. hence i am posting the following. judge me if you will.

[16:23] LtotheJizay33: so "u don't have to call by usher" -- f'ing yes, "what's my name" by dmx right after, f'ing double f'ing fuck yes
[16:23] andousc: LOL
[16:24] LtotheJizay33: seriously, i want to like beat the shit out of all my clients right now
[16:24] LtotheJizay33: and i'm really happy about it, it's great
[16:24] andousc: LOL
[16:24] LtotheJizay33: if someone called right now, i'd have a hard time not just trying to intimidate the shit out of them
[16:24] andousc: "WHAAAAT?!"
[16:25] LtotheJizay33: C'MON!
[16:26] andousc: so what are your general impressions of the new phantom planet disc?
[16:27] LtotheJizay33: growing on me heavily
[16:27] LtotheJizay33: take that and that and that and that
[16:27] LtotheJizay33: good times
[16:27] andousc: yeah even first listen i'm like, hey not bad
[16:27] andousc: yeah big brat...G D
[16:28] LtotheJizay33: seriously, quote me on my quote about dmx
[16:28] LtotheJizay33: that is classic luke shit right there
[16:28] andousc: serious laughing over here in LBC

boggled

i came across this picture on espn.com. take a look and then come back and we'll discuss.

first thing: 10 year olds run triathlons? they're 10. i could barely run a mile when i was 10.

second thing: that kid (#11) is buffer than me and judging by the look on his face, he could beat the crap out of me too.

third thing: is the girl in the red swimsuit (#31) break dancing? seizing up? she surely can't be running. can she? i mean she's basically a straight line. does the straight line position fit in with her running stride? if so i gotta see this girl run. correction, i have to see this 10 year old female triathlete run.

fourth thing: i think the blond kid brining up the rear could kick my ass too.

marketers hate me

so i discovered this absolute gem of a candy last night: twizzlerz twerpz.

upon eating some and realizing i really like them, i instantly considered going to walgreen's and buying them out. why? because just about every consumer product i like ends up getting canceled.

the list:

• purple-saurus rex kool aid ... the best kool aid flavor ever


• regular grape gatorade ... replaced with the whole gatorade ice or whatever crap that was/is


• the philly cheese steak from jack in the box ... i used to sustain on these things in high school ... until they were canceled for no reason


• penne arabiatta at olive garden ... i still get it, but i have to go "off menu" to do so


• twizzlerz goo-filled licorice ... i don't remember the exact name of this product, but it was basically twizzlerz twerpz but not in bite size pieces


• parmasan oregano bread at subway ... later on

the list is not limited to food items:

• undeclared ... great show on fox, canceled
  


• the family guy ... i realize it just came back and you're probably saying i should be grateful to fox for bringing it back. i'm not. let's just say i'm glad to find the execs at fox are only mostly stupid and not absolutely stupid


• freaks and geeks ... great show on nbc where my high school classmate busy phillips made her breakout performance ... gone


• ed ... maybe my favorite show ever and i was lucky to get 4 seasons out of it according to the ratings ... thank god for tbs and their re-running the entire series right now ... it's tv utopia!


• the mole ... not that crap show celebrity mole, just the mole with anderson cooper as the host. anderson cooper is the jeff probst to ahmad rashad's chris harrison. it should also be mentioned that the two dudes that formed a secret alliance and went all the way to the final 2 of this show in its very first season may be the smartest reality contestants ever. like richard hatch, they figured "the game" out instantly and executed while everyone else was just sucking their reality thumbs.


• i don't even know the name of it, but it was this dating reality show on fox where a chick was wooed by a group of dudes, but some of the dudes were gay. if a gay guy ended up fooling her and she chose him to be her man at the end of the show, he got $100gerr or something. otherwise, if she fully used her gaydar and picked a straight guy. she would then get to choose between him and cash. i was totally into it. but this one didn't even make it to the end of the first season. show just disappeared like f'ing keyser soze. thanks a million, fox.

so the moral of the story is ... if you find out you like any current product or tv show that i do, you better get your fill cuz it'll be gone soon

an announcement to my future wife, whoever she may be

ok, so i just read an article by a guy named bill simmons. if you've never heard of him or read him, parts of this post will be lost on you.

i have been reading simmons' articles for near 4 years now. in this time, he has written about mostly sports and entertainment, but he also writes about his friends, family and life sometimes. in his most recent article, he reviews the movie "fever pitch" - a chick flick disguised as a sports movie about a crazed boston red sox fan. this is important because it's fair to say that bill simmons is the most prominent red sox fan in the universe.

ok so let's address simmons' stance on the movie "fever pitch". he was bashing this movie when it was still in f'ing production. he's never liked jimmy fallon due to a) the fact that fallon breaks character and laughs often on snl skits and b) that he is playing a manic red sox fan despite admitting to liking both the yankees and the red sox. to a casual sports fan, saying you like the sox and the yanks is a no-no. it's like saying you like spam as much as you like steak. to any and all red sox fans, saying you like the sox and the yanks is reason for damnation to eternal hell fire. it's like the pope saying that satan is an okay guy once you get to know him. so anyone who pays a little bit of attention to simmons' column would know that simmons hates fallon. on top of that, the makers of "fever pitch" were able to sneak barrymore and fallon on the field minutes after the sox won the world series for the first time in 86 years so they could shoot footage that would go in the movie. this did not sit well with sox fans, especially simmons. all these factors led to at least 2 separate bashing sessions of "fever pitch" before it was even released.

in his most recent article, simmons felt it was his duty to go review this movie. he did and he hated it as much as he expected. it inaccurately portrayed sox fans and it was basically a chick flick. with all that said, he wanted to get a woman's opinion of the flick so he sent his wife to see it.

here's where it gets interesting.

mrs. simmons comes back saying a) she loved the movie, b) she can't believe simmons didn't love it and c) fallon's character is just like simmons. i'd like to think that the opening couple of paragraphs of my post have done their job and as a result you are already baffled at mrs. simmons' comments. in case you're not baffled, what she's really saying with her above comments is that she has no clue who she's f'ing married to! let's assume that simmons hasn't written multiple nationally read articles in which he bashes a movie that wasn't even out yet. let's also assume that simmons isn't the unnamed president of red sox nation. even then she has to know her husband well enough to know a) that there's plenty of reasons for him to hate this flick and b) that there's all kinds of crap that distinguishes simmons from fallon's character in the flick.

at this point, we can discuss 2 things. 1) what is the socially reasonably response by simmons to his wife's comments? 2) what is my announcement to my future wife?

simmons' response
i proposed to my buddy ando that mrs. simmons saying what she said is the emotional equivalent of the following hypothetical conversation between simmons and his wife:

simmons' wife: "does this make me look fat?
simmons: "hell yes it does ... shit! you're really letting yourself go! and now that i think about it, you're dumb as rocks too! could you even keep yourself alive if you weren't married to me?"

in this hypothetical situation, mrs. simmons would have rights to put simmons in the dog house for years, maybe even decades. concordantly (yes, i stole that from the architect and no i'm not sure that i'm using it correctly) shouldn't simmons basically have the same rights to put mrs. simmons in the female dog house? if there's ever been a case for a guy throwing an all-out hissy fit, i think this is it. am i wrong?

my announcement
for those of you who know me, i am quite the john mayer fan. hence the only hypothetical situation i can compare this to is the following. let's say they make a movie about some crazed dude that loves john mayer and screams like a little 15 year old girl at concerts and sings out of key really really loud during the show, hates guitar solos and new songs and then leaves right after john plays no such thing. and then let's say that my future wife sees that movie and goes "oh my gosh, luke, that's the story of your life. it's you!" the first word that comes to mind ... divorce. honestly, it's as though i married someone who actually knows nothing about one of the things i am most passionate about.

so what is my announcement? my announcement is that, should anything like this happen to me, i'm going to make a stand. when discussing the simmons situation and the concept of the female dog house with my buddy ando, he said "i'm not sure it works the other way around in terms of the whole sleeping on the couch thing". my announcement is that i'm going to make it work the other way around. if my wife ever says "i know absolutely nothing about who you are or how you feel about your favorite hobby," it's on. i will be taking the concept of sexual equality to a whole new level by throwing an unprecedented pout fest and building an actual dog house with my wife's name on it.

and the best thing is that i don't even know simmons nor have i seen "fever pitch".