an announcement to my future wife, whoever she may be

ok, so i just read an article by a guy named bill simmons. if you've never heard of him or read him, parts of this post will be lost on you.

i have been reading simmons' articles for near 4 years now. in this time, he has written about mostly sports and entertainment, but he also writes about his friends, family and life sometimes. in his most recent article, he reviews the movie "fever pitch" - a chick flick disguised as a sports movie about a crazed boston red sox fan. this is important because it's fair to say that bill simmons is the most prominent red sox fan in the universe.

ok so let's address simmons' stance on the movie "fever pitch". he was bashing this movie when it was still in f'ing production. he's never liked jimmy fallon due to a) the fact that fallon breaks character and laughs often on snl skits and b) that he is playing a manic red sox fan despite admitting to liking both the yankees and the red sox. to a casual sports fan, saying you like the sox and the yanks is a no-no. it's like saying you like spam as much as you like steak. to any and all red sox fans, saying you like the sox and the yanks is reason for damnation to eternal hell fire. it's like the pope saying that satan is an okay guy once you get to know him. so anyone who pays a little bit of attention to simmons' column would know that simmons hates fallon. on top of that, the makers of "fever pitch" were able to sneak barrymore and fallon on the field minutes after the sox won the world series for the first time in 86 years so they could shoot footage that would go in the movie. this did not sit well with sox fans, especially simmons. all these factors led to at least 2 separate bashing sessions of "fever pitch" before it was even released.

in his most recent article, simmons felt it was his duty to go review this movie. he did and he hated it as much as he expected. it inaccurately portrayed sox fans and it was basically a chick flick. with all that said, he wanted to get a woman's opinion of the flick so he sent his wife to see it.

here's where it gets interesting.

mrs. simmons comes back saying a) she loved the movie, b) she can't believe simmons didn't love it and c) fallon's character is just like simmons. i'd like to think that the opening couple of paragraphs of my post have done their job and as a result you are already baffled at mrs. simmons' comments. in case you're not baffled, what she's really saying with her above comments is that she has no clue who she's f'ing married to! let's assume that simmons hasn't written multiple nationally read articles in which he bashes a movie that wasn't even out yet. let's also assume that simmons isn't the unnamed president of red sox nation. even then she has to know her husband well enough to know a) that there's plenty of reasons for him to hate this flick and b) that there's all kinds of crap that distinguishes simmons from fallon's character in the flick.

at this point, we can discuss 2 things. 1) what is the socially reasonably response by simmons to his wife's comments? 2) what is my announcement to my future wife?

simmons' response
i proposed to my buddy ando that mrs. simmons saying what she said is the emotional equivalent of the following hypothetical conversation between simmons and his wife:

simmons' wife: "does this make me look fat?
simmons: "hell yes it does ... shit! you're really letting yourself go! and now that i think about it, you're dumb as rocks too! could you even keep yourself alive if you weren't married to me?"

in this hypothetical situation, mrs. simmons would have rights to put simmons in the dog house for years, maybe even decades. concordantly (yes, i stole that from the architect and no i'm not sure that i'm using it correctly) shouldn't simmons basically have the same rights to put mrs. simmons in the female dog house? if there's ever been a case for a guy throwing an all-out hissy fit, i think this is it. am i wrong?

my announcement
for those of you who know me, i am quite the john mayer fan. hence the only hypothetical situation i can compare this to is the following. let's say they make a movie about some crazed dude that loves john mayer and screams like a little 15 year old girl at concerts and sings out of key really really loud during the show, hates guitar solos and new songs and then leaves right after john plays no such thing. and then let's say that my future wife sees that movie and goes "oh my gosh, luke, that's the story of your life. it's you!" the first word that comes to mind ... divorce. honestly, it's as though i married someone who actually knows nothing about one of the things i am most passionate about.

so what is my announcement? my announcement is that, should anything like this happen to me, i'm going to make a stand. when discussing the simmons situation and the concept of the female dog house with my buddy ando, he said "i'm not sure it works the other way around in terms of the whole sleeping on the couch thing". my announcement is that i'm going to make it work the other way around. if my wife ever says "i know absolutely nothing about who you are or how you feel about your favorite hobby," it's on. i will be taking the concept of sexual equality to a whole new level by throwing an unprecedented pout fest and building an actual dog house with my wife's name on it.

and the best thing is that i don't even know simmons nor have i seen "fever pitch".

the end of an era

so i went into my neighborhood chili's a week ago and took a ganders at my favorite booth only to find that there were no pictures on the wall. so marked the end of an era.

about 3 years ago, i took note of the kind of pictures that are usually up on the walls at chili's. the place is covered in framed pictures. but not pictures of famous people or famous landmarks or anything, just pictures of random 80s people at picnics and chili cook-offs and such. so one night i and 3 of my friends were sitting in a booth that had 3 random framed pictures of no one in particular and i concocted a plan.

we took a picture of ourselves in that booth, developed the picture, picked up a cheap wooden frame and some double sided tape. on our next trip to chili's, i made sure the coast was clear and plopped the picture up in that same booth where the picture was taken. so now anyone who sat in that booth might notice the 3 chili's-authorized pictures and then one picture of 4 people sitting in the same booth they were sitting in.

the picture stayed up in all its glory for more than 3 years. we even had friends of ours approach us and ask quizically "is there a picture of you in a booth at chili's?" "yep, and we put it there."

however as i said the picture is no more. i don't know why it was taken down, but there aren't any pictures up in that booth any more. anyway we had a good run and it needed to be documented.

prove me wrong

hopefully this will be as neurotic of a post as i make on this thing. here goes.

i have driven a lot of miles on u.s. freeways. in probably 100,000 miles, i've had some time to observe my fellow motorists. i've done so much observing that i've learned how to control their minds. and i want to teach you how to control them too. i do this to people all the time.

here's the scenario. i'm coming up behind a car that's passing a semi or another car. take note of the speeds.



at this point, the moron motorist or mm as we'll call him sees me in his rear view. he proclaims "this is my lane and i'll take as long as i want to pass this semi" so he slows down.



at these speeds, it takes about 5 minutes to pass this semi, but eventually mm has to do it. he's cleared the semi and he has to move into the right lane. but the drama isn't over yet. mm switches from territoriality mode to race mode! this is where it gets exciting.



he speeds up to faster than i had been going prior to the 5 minute pass! so i have to pull a jeff gordon in order to overtake him.



pay attention. here it is. this is the crucial moment. are you listening? when my car gets to a certain point in relation to his car, that controlling minds thing i was taking about happens. i can't explain why it happens, but suddenly i can control how fast his car goes. slow down to 80, speed up to 83, slow down to 70, our position on the road relative to each other does not change.



let me repeat myself:



in case you couldn't tell, i'm worked up. what the f, people?! this is the guy that was going 85 of his own free will just moments ago. what is going on in this man's head? it's like i've locked in a tractor beam on the dude's car. this is not a joke. i have done this many many times. the only way i can get him off me is to lull him to sleep at 70 and then step hard on the gas and finally release him from the apparent trance he's in.



so there ya go. that's what i've taken from 100,000 miles of driving. and it's my gift to you. go out and try it for yourself.