The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Actually Picks a Girl

I can't remember a more polarizing final pair of contestants. I still really can't figure out what Brad sees in Chantel. Let's find out who he freaks out about less. It better be Emily.

• South Africa photographs well.
• Brad's crying. Was it The Chad? The Chad. The Chad.
• Brad standing next to Chad is a weird experiment in working out and not working out. It's like if P90x before and after photos could hug each other.
• I really wanted Brad to introduce Chantel as Chantel O.
• Chantel "just knew" when she first saw Brad? Was this before or after slapping him in the face?
• Wes is the younger brother? He doesn't look it or sound it at all.
• Chantel: "I do honestly feel in my heart of hearts that at the end of the day Brad and I will be together." Uuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.
• I get why Emily's history has come up so often, but she's not the only one that used to have a husband. Why does Chantel's history come up so little?
• The Chad: "Emily is poised. She is extremely poised."
• Emily is clearly winning the meet-the-family round. I don't think I remember such a one-sided opinion at this stage of the last episode.
• Shark swimming time. I wonder if Chantel thinks sharks are afraid of cleavage.
• 
• Spoiler alert! The sharks kill no one. Especially Chantel.
• Is Chantel a cartographer? That is a really good looking map.
• Chantel just did 2 things. 1) She said "I choose you." 2) She cheered her own love letter. Allow me to retort. 1) No shit you choose Brad. He is THE Bachelor. There is no one else to choose. 2) Booooooooooooooooooo!
• Hey Brad, FYI I'd be fine with you never calling Chantel "Channy" again.
• Oh thank God. 70 minutes in and we hadn't had a helicopter ride. I was starting to twitch.
• F you, Dr. Scholls!
• Emily wins. What a cutie pie.
• 
• Oh no. She's grilling Brad about Riki. Not good. Even with her cute face.
• Defeated. Huh. Well that went ... not goodly.
• It's time the curtain opening / leaning on balcony / staring longingly into the ocean / walk across the hotel property montage.
• Crap. He's picking Chantel, isn't he?
• If "amazing" means "gaudy", then yes that ring is amazing, Brad.
• Chantel holds the dress on the hanger in front of her body. Good call, Chantel. Wouldn't want to just put that dress on willy nilly. PS there's a peacock on your right shoulder.
• How will they play it this year? Chantel is first out of the limo, but there's no telling what that means.
• He's starting his Chantel speech on the positive tip ... usually not good for ending on the positive tip.
• He skips "... but" and goes for "... and here's where it gets tough." Ouch. I might actually feel bad for Chantel right now.
• Lesson learned, ladies: don't give it up in an open air bedroom in the middle of a South African safari.
• 14 year age difference between these love birds. Wild.
• I think Big Swayze just pulled the same tie adjustment move with Emily as he did on the last final rose ceremony with Newnan and what's her face. Odd.
• Well done, you two. You steered through a lot of crazy chicks and drama to get here.

Congrats to Mr. and Mrs. Big Swayze. And Little Riki Swayze. Adios, amigo! I'll catch up on after the final rose here shortly.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Tells All

Let's get through the awkward interviews so we can jump to the finale. Head down. Power through!

• Apparently Harrison has to whistle and snap at the ladies like they're dogs in order to get them to stop berating Michelle. Awesome.
• The setting for Brad and Harrison's interview is fantastic. The fire in the background is more romantic than anything I've ever done in my life.
• Madison was affectionately called "Fangs" across the country? I can think of about four things wrong with that last sentence.
• I'll go on Shawntel's awkward dinner conversation date any time. Or any date with Shawntel ... awkward or otherwise.
• Craziest parties ever: Bachelor reunions. I almost believe you, Chris.
• Did I just see Vienna flirt with Guard and Protect Your Heart?
• Roslyn. Good times. If she's hooking up with the help, imagine how many peeps she's hooking up with at these parties.
• Vienna: "I get along with the guys really well." Isn't that girl code for "females tend to hate me?" Also I can think of one guy she did not get along with well at all.
• Ali and Roberto are still together. Color me surprised.
• I like that Ashley H dyed her face the same color as her hair.
• Who is this giant necklaced girl defending Michelle?
• Wow, these girls have imagined and rehearsed what they're saying in this moment for a long long time.
• Harrison enjoys cat fights.
• 
• Fangs' time off has treated her well. She's looking foxy or fangy or ... something.
• Wait. Melissa is from Florida? Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking. Vienna must be proud.
• Melissa and Rachel are both insane, but I don't see how anyone considers Melissa to be the instigator in this cat fight.
• Rachel pulls out the blow-hardiest of blow-hard moves ... using the word sorry while not actually apologizing for anything. As in ... "Of course I'm sorry ... sorry I let Melissa's pizza breath affect me. Sorry I got kicked off the show because of Melissa. And sorry I didn't punch her in the face on my way out."
• Michelle's crying before she even sits down.
• "I was there for the right reasons" and "I left my daughter at home" count is at 3 and 3 already.
• Jackie's one small eye, one big eye face has to be how she lands all the guys.
• 
• Right reasons count is up to 4. Where was her daughter during the show again? I can't remember.
• And we're tied 4-4. She left her daughter at home! Reasons!
• Michelle: "I can't even breathe." Audience: applause break. "Maybe if we clap, she'll start breathing."
• Would these girls be ripping into Emily about leaving her daughter (at home I would imagine, but I can't say for sure) if she were here?
• I forgot that Ashley S was the kicked in the heart/stomach/face girl. Still sounds painful. And difficult to execute.
• Harrison's best interview killer question of the night so far: "Do you think you deserve to be happy?" Chris, the interview kiiiiiiller!!
• And Harrison ups the ante with Ashley H: "Do you think YOU ruined this relationship?" Chris, the interview kiiiiiiiiiller!!
• Ashley says "brunettes have more fun." What is the deal with proving how much fun you have and then crediting your hair color for said fun? Are you having fun? Good. Let's leave it at that and be happy.
• Big Swayze gets a standing O from the crowd. Weird.
• Thanks to their sponsorship of abc.com, I will never buy a Dr. Scholl's product ever. Advertising sometimes has the opposite effect they're going for.
• Blooper reel. Good times. All these contestants are actually real people. Who knew?

No regrets. Texas forever. Let's finish this season.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 9

Nine? Nine episodes? I feel we've come so ... what's the opposite of far? Well once again I'm playing catch up and let's see if I can jog my memory. The girl I loved and the girl I loved to hate both got the boot leaving ... the girl I seriously dislike, the girl who is probably too good for Brad and ... someone else.

• South Africa! Yowwwwwww! Partaaayyyyyyyy! Has anyone ever said that before?
• Apparently the big cliff hanger this week will be "can I talk to you for a sec?" uttered during the rose ceremony. Hold onto your hats, everybody! There's going to be talking.
• Brad travels with two roller suitcases AND a duffel bag ... which he simply carries with one hand or the other. Get a strap or a backpack or something, dude.
• Chantel recap ... cry, cry, barf. Barf, barf, hug. Hug, cry, barf.
• Ashley recap ... fun, fun, mess. Awkward, awkward, cry. Mess, insecure, awkward.
• Emily recap ... wonderful, awesome, awesome. Nice, normal, nice. Weirded, out, Brad.
• Safari time, Chantel. Sorry, though. No helicopter this time. I'll understand if you cry. Or barf.
• Brad in a safari hat / tevas and Chantel in her jean shorts / cons. Perfect couple.
• Chantel just quoted Boston and I don't think she meant to and/or noticed. "Love is more than a feeling. I close my eyes and I drift awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy!" Okay maybe she only quoted the first part.
• Oh yeah! Overnight dates! The first euphemism for sex today courtesy of Chantel: "... and hoping that he's gonna want me to hang out a little later tonight than the normal dinner."
• Why does Chris get dragged into all these overnight date cards?
• So so so many cliches that I hate coming from these two: "It is what it is." "Your word is your word." "What happens in the fantasy suite stays in the fantasy suite." "Barf barf barf barf."
• These two are gonna bone in this tree house? They really might be in love.
• Yay, Emily! Welcome to the non-barf segment of this episode.
• He was in the tree house last night? Man, Brad, you are a dog. Or a hyena ... or some other Africa-appropriate animal.
• Still can't believe Emily is 24. Twenty four!
• All these elephants remind me ... If we're ever hanging out, be sure to ask me about my cousin Jake's time with some elephants in Thailand. The story involves elephant soccer and elephant painting. How's that for a tease?
• Dinner time. Emily. So likeable. So attractive. But seriously I would never be able to hang out with her and think she's younger than me. However, I would be able to not totally lose my cool around her ... unlike Brad. What happened to Big Swayze?
• Does Harrison actually hand write these fantasy suite cards? If so, how bizarre.
• The first fantasy suite denial in Bachelor history? Almost. But Emily is able to say "no boning" in an amazingly classy way. I expected nothing less from her.
• You know else loves jean shorts? Ashley. Hers are shorter though ... and rippy-er.
• If helicopters scare you this badly, I think there's about a billion other reality shows you should try out for before you try The Bachelor. Wipeout. Survivor. Fear Factor.
• Brad says "This is beautiful. It is by all definitions 'God's Window.'" How many definitions for God's Window are there, Brad?
• Dinner time. Brad's in on flannel friday.
• Has anyone else noticed that Ashley does this a lot?
• 
• I can't tell you how many great dates I've been on where I did this:
• 
• Not looking good, Ash.
• Chris said "welcome to the amazing country of South Africa" on all three cards. I'm starting to question that he wrote these himself.
• I really could have handled more euphemisms for sex tonight. Like 10 more ... instead of just the 1 I got from Chantel.
• So there's a decent chance that Chantel was the only girl that gave it up. Swayze is really off his game.
• Huge is back. This week was a huge week apparently.
• Harrison and Brad rebound greatly this week ... suit wise. Well done, both.
• "Evening" seems to be very bright in South Africa. It's like the opposite of Alaska ... except it's the same ... cuz it's on the other hemisphere.
• Emily looks wonderful as always and is patenting the double crossed hands stance. Stop copying her, Chantel!
• 
• Talk time with Ashley. Is he considering Ashley over Chantel? Or is he bypassing the rose ceremony entirely? Brad hates rules!
• Rose ceremony be damned! You should have answered those questions, Ashley. Can't quite figure out what "those questions" were/are because Brad refuses to ask them, but still big mistake not answering them, Ash.
• Good call, Brad. You totally stole Chris' last rose thunder with the early dismissal of Ashley. Brad hates rules!
• And the most awkward toast of the season is actually handled pretty well by Swayze. Well played, Brad.

Next week, we get to meet Brad's family in their home to--no, wait. Scratch that. We get to meet Brad's family in Cape Town. It'll be just like home, I'm sure. Scratch THAT even. Women tall all next week. Especially Michelle, I'm sure.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 8

Home town time. Home team time. Huge town team! Go go go.

• Brad's fashion statement this week: Kangol hats. Keep it spicy, Brad.
• Oh it's recap time. Let me guess. Chantal cries. Ashley's mostly a mess. Shawntel is cute. Emily has a daughter. Did I miss anything?
• Chantal: "Today's my hometown date with Brad and I feel just as crazy ... as I did back in Anguilla." She admitted it! She's crazy! (That's how you use an ellipsis, people.)
• Chantal's pets' names are: Jinxy, Bailey and Boca. Boca means mouth. I don't know what to read from that.
• Meeting a woman's father ... also huge. Huge is back. Huge is huge.
• Chantal: "It's really huge to go to [my parents' house] today." Going to houses is huge. I'm learning so much.
• Oh yeah, Ando with the research again. Check out Chantal's dad's biz here.
• If The Bachelor is any indication, I have NOT spent enough time sitting outside with a blanket wrapped around me.
• I just realized that Brad asked Mr. O'Brien if he thinks Chantal is ready to settle down. He does know she was previously married, right?
• Props to Chantal's mom for at least trying to get her forehead to move.
• 
• Brad wakes up in Maine and says to himself, "Wool socks. Check. Flannel. Check. Leather jacket. Check. What's missing? Fingerless gloves. Yes. I need me some fingerless gloves for my visit to Maine."
• Little bit of a contrast between Chantal's family's house and Ashley's family's house. For starters, Ashley's family's house doesn't have 2 giant marble staircases in the foyer.
• Is it weird that I noticed Ashley's sister's teeth before her tattoos? Ashley is a dentist for Pete's sake. This is like a fireman's brother not having smoke detectors. Or a mechanic's brother that hasn't had his oil changed in 6,000 miles. Or a tattoo artist's sister not having any tattoos. Oh. Maybe it sorta makes sense.
  
• So far home town dates are a great success. Michelle must be pissed. I actually kinda miss hearing her negative take on all the other girls.
• Time to get morbid with Shawntel's date. So far the date is very echoey. And casket filled.
  
• Hard for me to deny that I wouldn't be a little weirded out too.
• No date really gets cookin' until someone says "aneurysm hook." ... And we're off!
• I'm confused by the hair colors of the Newton daughters. Is it possible to have natural brunettes and blonds in the same fam?
• There are 2 kinds of houses on this earth. Those with bird cages. And those without.
• 
• We're 30 seconds into Emily's date and I'm pretty sure it's going to be fair to name this date "Shy Time."
• 10 more minutes have passed ... Shy ... Time. Maybe you should have shaved the beard, Brad.
• Some dates involve aneurysm hooks, others involve games of Candylands. Just depends on the day.
• Weird play from Brad here. Make your move, man. Or call your shrink. Or both.
  
• Emily. So likeable. I get the feeling Brad is gonna blow it with her in the end though.
• I appreciate the Vaseline lens they put on the recaps of all the home town dates. Helps me understand that these are flashbacks.
• Harrison. I just don't know what to say about this outfit.
• 
• Also I appreciate the color coordination and blinking coordination of the ladies.
• 
• First rose goes to Ashley. He liked those fries with gravy I guess.
• Holy crap, Chris. Leave us alone! You were just here! Let us miss you a little.
  
• Wow. Shawntel, I'm moving to Chico and I'll lay down on your embalming table any time. Please be gentle with the aneurysm hook. It's my first time.
• Brad, you just sent home Shawntel while Ashley and Chantal remain upstairs. You're aware of this, yes?

Well, another bad decision in the books. We'll see what Brad's able to screw up in South Africa next week!

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 7

Time to play some catch up. What exotic location are they in this week? Oh yeah. Anguilla (pronunciation optional). Get it on!

• Anguilla loves steel drums. Or it's pronounced stayl drums? Stee-ahll drums? Seriously someone figure out how to say Anguilla.
• Holy shit! 4 dates! This is crazy town!
• Can we take Britt on a sandwich date? Or 4? Cuz that girl needs to eat. Did this just happen? Or did it take me this long to notice her Skeletor body?
• Helicopter. Oh joy. Excitement. Thrills. For real, at this point, Brad going on a helicopter should received the same emotional reaction as when he runs out of toothpaste. Or buys cereal at the grocery store. Or moves his left arm. Who really cares.
• Outside of the helicopter ride, Brad and Emily's date involved sitting in one spot on the beach for hours? I guess that's true love?
• Oh, change of venue. Good. Otherwise this date really would have sucked as far as Bachelor dates go. They all have helicopter rides so that's a moot point. No shopping spree? No repelling? Emily should be pissed.
• Word of the day ... is "huge." This adjective can be applied to ... 1 on 1 dates, meeting families, meeting Emily's daughter, Michelle's ego and Britt's appetite. Well maybe not the last one.
• Brad drops the rose guarantee on Emily during the date. Is this a Bachelor first? Where's Harrison when you need him?
• Onto Shawntel's date ... somehow Farmer's Markets make Shawntel "trip out a little bit." Embalming dead bodies on the other hand ... no problem.
• Shawntel's evening date features near-matching purple shirt and dress. I'm gonna say not into it.
• Props to Ando for a sneak peek of Shawntel's family and family business. Apparently Shawntel cut bangs at one point. Bangs are huge. What? Huge doesn't apply here? Damn. I thought I was onto something.
• "We are about to have a concert by none other than Bankie Banx," says Brad. My response: "Huh." If I could cue Bald Bryan's "WHO!?" drop, I'd do so now.
  
• "Probably the most famous singer in Anguilla ... if not the entire Caribbean." Whatever you say, Swayze.
  
• Are the other people at his party paid extras? Where did they all come from?
• I agree with Ando ... Shawntel's super giant tattoo makes for nice symmetry with Brad's super giant tattoo.
• No place to graciously fit this in ... Shawntel's sister did not cut bangs ... and is blond ... and thinks posing on top of bars is huge.
• Onto Britt's date ... swimming out to a yacht sounds like a good time. No, wait. A huge time. Yeah. Swimming out to yachts is huge.
• Michelle says she couldn't even see Brad and Britt being friends on Facebook. Can we just have her host the show at this point? She gets all the confessional time as it is.
• Is this a muscle or a bone? I think Britt might be some sort of anatomical case study.
• 
• Let's just say ... Britt is not getting the rose guarantee during this date.
• Uh oh. They're playing the somber guitar tune during dinner ... usually reserved for the rose ceremony aftermath.
  
• Oh it's awkward. Brad's honesty is insane. The dude is honest ... and huge. Am I using it right yet?
• "I think it's time to say goodbye. Now let me guide you off the yacht to the rejection boat." Bszzzhhbbbbbbbbbbbbb. (That was my attempt to type out the sound of a outboard motor boat. Trust me it played in my head.)
• Ashley says "I think from here on out, there's going to be a lot of heartbreak." From here on out? Have you or have you not been on the show thus far?
• Hey Ashley, it's 2am. And you're indoors. There's really no need to shield your eyes from the sun.
• 
• In case you missed it on the news stands, here's the end result of the shoot.
• Did they booze Ashley up? Cuz she seems ... uninhibited.
• I believe all Michelle convos go like this. Good times / flirty times -> discussion of some serious flaws in the idea of Brad and Michelle as a couple -> Michelle agrees with the flaws -> Michelle somehow twists the flaws into a positive that Brad totally buys into.
• You know what I like about Ashley most? Her confidence. Her confidence is huge. Still not right? C'mon now!
• Chantal's confidence is also huge.
• Michelle, Emily and Shawntel have this thing locked up. They've maintained their cool all season. How can Brad possibly pick Chantal or Ashley after all this mess? Imagine Brad picking Ashley or Chantal. And then he spends all his days convincing Ashley and Chantal that he actually likes them. No way. That's not the Swayze I know.
• I wouldn't mind talking to Brad's shrink after this disaster of a date. What's the time difference in Anguilla?
• Barefoot cocktail party ... cancelled! Please tell me he sends Chantal home. Please, Brad. Don't make me beg.
• Chantal opened the season by slapping you ... and by my count has spent the rest of the season crying. Real catch, that Chantal.
  
• I can't believe I'm rooting for Michelle.
• Holy crap, the unofficial host of The Bachelor is out. I think the lesson we can all take away here is ... when given the opp to take your top off in a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue photo shoot ... in Anguilla ... while also filming The Bachelor ... you should probably do it. That opportunity is huge.
• I kid I kid!
• Let's hear it for the shortest farewell word count in Bachelor history.

Next episode: let's get creepy in the mortuary! What else could you ask for?

Top 10 Best Shortest Songs of All Time

As I was listening to "King of The Rodeo" by Kings of Leon for the 434th time (literally), I found myself loving the song even more because it's only 2:26 long. They didn't bother taking the song's greatness and bleeding it out for 4:30. Put down the brilliance of the song and then end the song when it's over.

So I ran some numbers and was amazed at home many good short songs there are on my iTunes library.

• 3 stars or better under 3:00 - 334 songs
• 3 stars or better under 2:45 - 208 songs
• 3 stars or better under 2:30 - 131 songs
• 4 stars or better under 2:30 - 32 songs

Wow. Apparently KoL isn't the only band tuned into the short song theory (although they represent a pretty hefty portion of the list).

So let's hand pick the 10 best (limiting the choices to songs on my library and limiting selections to one song per artist).

1. King of The Rodeo - Kings of Leon - 2:26
2. See Through Head - The Hives - 2:22
3. Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois - Sufjan Stevens - 2:09
4. Communion Cups and Someone's Coat - Iron & Wine - 2:03
5. Never Going Back Again - Fleetwood Mac - 2:14
6. Don't Panic - Coldplay - 2:17
7. Jesus On The Radio - Guster - 2:17
8. Ain't No Sunshine - Bill Withers - 2:05
9. Explosivo - Tenacious D - 1:55
10. Tie between My N****z - DMX - 1:05 and B.I.G. Interlude - Notorious B.I.G. - 0:48

Honorable mentions:

• Double Rainbow Song - The Gregory Brothers - 1:31
• Standard Lines - Dashboard Confessional - 2:27
• Lovestain - Jose Gonzalez - 2:17
• Loretta Lee Jones - Langhorne Slim - 2:23
• Hurry Up Let's Go - Shout Out Louds - 2:19
• Rip It Up - Razorlight - 2:25
• Summer Candy - Ben Rector - 2:19
• Nitro (Youth Energy) - The Offspring - 2:27
• Blood and Treasure - Bear Hands
• Natalie's Rap - The Lonely Island - 2:27
• I'm A Cucumber - Brak - 0:21

What'd I miss?

Composed at a bar: The Quintissential 90s Rock Band List

This list was composed by Dan, Zach, Luke and Jill at a bar. And is subject to your judgment.

Live
Pearl Jam
Tool
Nirvana
STP
Sound garden
Bush
NIN
Filter
Rage
Alice in chains
Smashing pumpkins
Green Day
Weezer
Foo Fighters
Marilyn Manson