You Know How Luke Do - TheLukeJohnson.com

11 power tips to really use your iPhone

2011-11-01T19:04:00.000-07:00

Well, Apple and AT&T continue to torment me by not allowing me to purchase an iPhone 4s. Before my recent 2 week river trip, there were plenty of iPhones to be found, but I was not eligible to upgrade. And now I'm eligible, but I can't find one to buy. I've been in Arizona, Nevada, California, Tennessee and Colorado in the last 20 days and the whole country seems to be bone dry.

To make things more fun, seemingly every single person I know has an iPhone 4s. And apparently I'm known as a bit of an expert in the world of iPhones. My friends are all using Siri to come out of the woodwork ("Siri, help me come out of the woodwork.") and tell me about their newly acquired phone and ask how to take advantage of all the awesome things the iPhone 4s can do.

Allow me to oblige ... here's how to really use your iPhone - specifically an iPhone 4s (pay no attention to the fact that I don't have one).

1. Double click the home button when the phone is locked.

You can get all kinds of stuff done without even unlocking your phone. I use the iTunes controls all the time. And I'm finally starting to remember that the lock screen is the quickest way to get to the camera. And with your camera so easily located here, you don't really need to have it taking up valuable space on your home screen.

2. Double click the home button when the phone is unlocked.

Multi-task among your open apps by double clicking and quickly jump between all your open apps. Scroll right to see apps in sets of 4.

3. Scroll right left after double clicking the home button.

Don't want your phone to accidentally go into horizontal mode? Lock the screen orientation. And adjust your tunes while staying within the program you're using.

4. Scroll one more time to adjust the volume while keeping your current app up and running.

5. Do yourself a favor and set up some shortcuts.

This is a crazy time saver for entering emails, phone numbers and more. All I type now is lj3 and my long email address is auto-typed. Here's a good article with some great examples.

6. For goodness sake, use the spotlight search, people!

I think I once saw a tweet indicating that this tool is useless. I almost committed harikiri right then in disgust. Just click home when already on your first page (or slide left from your home screen) and start typing to find people, apps, songs, emails ... everything.

No need to remember what folder you put that app in, just search for it.
Search for a friend's name, click it. Then choose "Send Message" to quickly send them a text (as opposed to scrolling through to find the most recent message you sent them from the Messages app).
Fire off a song in a few keystrokes.
Search for an old email (one that you maybe even archived) and respond immediately.
Good gravy who could possibly think this isn't useful!?!?

7. And while we're here, adjust your Spotlight Search settings.

Turn certain search items on/off that you aren't interested in and adjust the order of which items you want to appear first.

8. We all know about the Notification Center as it was highly touted as one of iOS5's best new features. REALLY use it by going into General -> Notifications and adjusting your settings.

Turn items on and off. Move items up and down and ...

9. Adjust your individual notifications per app.

Adjust each app ...

Turn off apps you don't care about.
Determine how many unread notifications should show up at a time.
Do you want the notification to appear in the new banner area, as a pop-up alert or only show up when you check notifications? I've set almost all mine to "Banner" and a few to "None." The days of clicking through all your pop up messages are over.

10. I know everyone doesn't like the native iPhone weather app, but iOS5 brought on some great improvements.

For one, you can pull down on the current day and see an hourly. And the left-most weather page is now "local weather" by default.

11. If you don't do anything on this list, please at least do this. Set up "Find My iPhone." For serious. For reals. Really.

If I see one more Facebook post about how you lost your iPhone, I'm going to lose it.

Sign up for iCloud. It's 100% free.
Then go to Settings -> iCloud and hit the button above.

Oh and if someone wants to give me their iPhone 4s, that'd be sweet ... cuz I'm still working with my iPhone 4 P.O.S. (I feel dirty ... and wrong.)

F You, Footloose Remake

2011-10-14T09:36:00.001-07:00

Look. I was already livid with the Footloose remake because ... it's a Footloose remake. A film that spawned this scene (that Zach and I have repeatedly re-enacted on the streets of Aspen by the way):

Which in turn spawned this spoof:

... is clearly without reproach.

But then they did something absolutely horrific. They stole the Friday Night Lights signature music and style for their preview:

That's it. That's the last straw. You've now treaded on 2 untouchable classics: Footloose and Friday Night Lights. In the words of Coach Taylor ... You have a nice day.

Looks like my marathon training kinda worked

2011-10-02T10:47:00.000-07:00

So my marathon training is all based on doing my longest run one month away from marathon day. Leading up to that super long run and following that long run, I'll add/subtract 20 minutes from my run length every weekend. So I'll do a 100 minute, 120 minute, 140 minute, 160 minute, 180 minute, 160 minute, 140 minute ... you get the idea. It's like a bell curve of run lengths.

Here's how it mapped out. Not too shabby.

Why Spotify is awesome, but I'll keep using iTunes

2011-10-01T18:13:00.000-07:00

It seems to me that Spotify will become the primary music listening software in the US (if it isn't already). It's Pandora without unlimited skips, no commercials and all the pickiness your musical taste can handle.
Major pros as I see them ...

All your friends are automatically there with you. And of course Spotify's primary drive is Facebook. They're not trying to create their own new social media site (like Ping is). They've realized that Facebook has won and they're using Facebook to their advantage.

This is the primary way that I have used and will continue to use Spotify. When I want to share tunes with people, I don't need to send them the actual music. I just put together a playlist and share the link.
And when I want to discover new music, I go on the look out for new playlists to subscribe to. Some of the best Spotify lists I've found so far ...

Pitchfork Top 500 albums of the 2000s
Pitchfork 2010: Reviews above 8.0
Pitchfork 2011: Reviews above 8.0
Jared Followill's (of Kings of Leon) compilation of music he's shared on Twitter - the dude listens to a ton of music and most of his shares are solid.

And the best thing is that, as the authors of these lists update the lists, you get the updates too. It's a subscription, not just a one-time offering.

My Spotify lists so far if you'd care to subscribe:

Best of Dear and The Headlights - one of my favorite indie bands from Phx
Best of Kings of Convenience - inspired by my upcoming concert rendezvous with one of my top 5 bands of the last decade
Luke's Best Albums of 2011 - an ongoing list

The only cons on Spotify and the ones that will keep me using iTunes are:

As far as I can tell, Spotify doesn't have them. I love stats at their core. And with my iTunes library, I have a back log of 8 years of stats. I can't live without my stats.

All of Spotify's playlists are static. You drag songs to the playlist and that's that. Smart playlists allow me to take in my entire music library with very little management so I can listen to an equal mix of new songs, old songs, favorite songs and songs I just haven't listened to in a while.

Then again, most people aren't me so ...

Stephen Lang is the greatest character actor of all time

2011-09-30T19:01:00.000-07:00

I've only ever seen Stephen Lang in 2 things: Avatar and Terra Nova.

Considering the plot lines of these shows and Lang's role in both, I have to assume his resume reads as follows:

Exclusively seeking roles as a salty veteran military type guy that is on the front lines of a team that ventures to a foreign humanity saving world only to be followed to this world by the primary character years later (note: must be years later, months later would be ridiculous, I require realism in my plots), provide them with an inspiring and kinda scary orientational speech and then subsequently lead/intimidate the primary characters of the story.

As far as character acting goes, this guy puts Buscemi to shame. Hell, he's even schooling that guy that is only in movies where he appears 70% of the way through the film only to eventually completely freak out and scream at everyone.

Video proof (NSFW).

My Three Least Favorite Harry Potter Cliches

2011-07-18T08:23:00.003-07:00

So now that the Potter series is over (book form and film form), let's talk about the 3 most annoying recurring themes.

We all knew Harry Potter wasn't going to die in books 1 - 6. J.K. made it clear from the start that there are 7 years of school and there will be 7 books in the end. And yet every book the plot was always basically "uh oh, someone's out to kill Harry. Watch out!" Severus, Voldemort, Sirius Black ... it didn't matter. I wasn't worried. I knew book 5 wasn't going to be Hermione Granger and the Frizzy Hair. I knew book 6 wasn't going to be Ron Weasley and the Lack of Confidence.
Ron and Harry always sass Hermione when she says something with confidence. "Harry, get started on the tent." ... followed by Harry going "A tent? Where am I going to be able to find a tent!?" We're in book 7, Harry. Haven't you learned that Hermione has everything figured out at all times? PLUS we're talking about magic here. When Hermione says tent or gum drop or elephant that poops ice cream, I don't think it's a stretch to realize she can manifest anything in the world. And furthemore, Hermione's the only one that's actually good at magic.
Expelliarmus. F'ing expelliarmus. It's the only spell Dumbledore's Army knows. The Death Eaters can leave fangy clouds, turn into flying smoke monsters, split their soul into 7 pieces so they are basically invincible and actually kill people with their spells, but they can't fight off expelliarmus - the first f'ing spell you learn at Hogwarts. I thought you guys were pros, Death Eaters. Hold onto your wands, you f'ing rookies ... and you might have actually won this thing.

The Best iTunes Marathon Smart Playlist

2011-07-08T20:19:00.003-07:00

So I've already documented the best smart playlist of all time - my Master Playlist. One place though where the master playlist won't do ... is while running.

When it comes to distance running, I break things into 3 phases:

Running1 - Songs to kick start your run early in the morning and get you going. Upbeat songs that might lean towards having a long lead in. Think "Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Polution" by AC/DC or "Knocked Up" by Kings of Leon.
Running2 - I use these playlists when running half marathons and marathons and my secret to a good long run is keeping a good pace in the middle of the race. These songs tend to have a nice groove and often end up being the highlight of my run. Think "Use Me" by Bill Withers or "Covered in Rain" by John Mayer (what was once my most played song ever).
Running3 - Now that Running2 has effectively saved you from burning out at Mile 20, these are the drop dead adrenaline songs that are gonna bring you into the finish. Think "See Through Head" by The Hives or "Positive Tension" by Bloc Party.

So use the comments field in iTunes to label your songs as Running1, Running2 or Running3 according to the rules above and you'll have laid the ground work.

Now time to load the playlist. I like to be surprised by what's coming on next on my run, but obviously not totally surprised (I mean, we can't have a Running3 at the beginning of the run - am I RIGHT!?!?). So to load your playlist, first figure out how long you're going to be running for - let's say 2 hours. Divid the time into thirds (ish) - let's say 45 minutes for each third. Then set up 1 playlist to randomly pull 45 minutes of Running1, another playlist to pull 45 minutes of Running2, and another to pull 45 minutes of Running3.

Load all three of these playlists into one final playlist in order (so all the Running1s are first, Running2s are second, etc.) and voila!

You now have a random (and yet predictable) set of tunes that are going to pump you up, set your pace and let you finish strong (TWSS).

For example, here's what my system just spit out for tomorrow's Aspen Half Marathon:

Easy, right? What? I have too much time on my hands. Okay, fine. Ruin my fun.

Don't drink and ride

2011-07-06T06:29:00.001-07:00

In the afore mentioned carbon footprint killing bike ride, I remember having my water bottle with me. Looks like I found a well camouflaged replacement for the ride home.

Yes. There was still beer in it.

For what it's worth, the "silver bullet" didn't seem to help my speed at all.

Location:E Hyman Ave,Aspen,United States

I am a Mac Genius!

2011-07-05T14:24:00.001-07:00

So there's a power outtage at the liquor store yesterday. They are being forced to calculate sales tax by hand, write down credit card numbers for later charge, etc.

The girl behind the counter asks if I have an iPhone. I say "yes." she hands me her phone and says "can you take the calculator out of scientific mode?"

I take the phone from her. Turn the screen so it's facing her and rotate to the left.

Result:

I may or may not have said the following:

I am a Mac Genius! That'll be $65. Thanks.

Location:S Ute Ave,Aspen,United States

How to not win a reality show immediately

2011-06-21T14:29:00.003-07:00

I've watched a lot of reality TV shows in my day and I've learned ... winning them is hard. Losing them on the other hand is quite easy. So here's how to NOT win a reality show right off the bat. (Some of these will work better on some shows than others, but I'm confident they'll all work in the end.)

Grab everyone's attention and proclaim "Listen up, everyone. I didn't come here to win. I came here to make friends!"
Drink as much alcohol as you possibly can on day/night one.
Establish yourself as the domineering "leader" and tell everyone what to do.
Walk up and personally tell each contestant that you disrespect them.
Walk up and personally tell each contestant that they are fake.
Whenever possible, say "Look, if there's one thing about me ... it's that I'm not real. And I don't like real people. If I'm anything, I'm just really really really not real."
Avoid establishing friendships / partnerships at all.
Establish a friendship / partnership that you make insanely obvious to everyone NOT in said friendship / relationship.
Truthfully tell someone that you love him/her. Optional: continuously repeat "I mean it."
"Y'all can talk to me all you want, but I'm not gonna open up. I'm NOT gonna put myself out there." Say that ... a lot. And mean it.
Ask "What are the right reasons to be here?" When someone answers, respond with "Oh. Well that doesn't sound like me at all. Come to think of it, I am here for all the exact opposite reasons you just mentioned."
Don't wear pants. (Obvious I know, but I want this list to be complete.)

Ladies, contestant, this is the final tribe has spoken you're fired.

How to buy the Beats by Dre ControlTalk cord only

2011-03-24T13:24:00.003-07:00

I did it. I beat the Internet. In August of 2010, I scoured the Internet to buy this cord only. I didn't want the headphones. I just wanted the male-to-male cord that has the play/pause and the volume up/down control (aka ControlTalk) that comes with the Beats by Dre Solo and Solo HD headphones.

After a hard target search, I reached out to Flickr, Twitter, Facebook and even the Nerdist forum. No one knew how to buy this thing.

Well I figured it out. If you want to buy the Monster Beats by Dre ControlTalk cord only, just ...

Call Monster at 1 877 800-8989
Press 2 for Customer Service
Press 1 for Headphones
Press 2 to be connected to Sales
Tell the sales person that eventually picks up that you want a replacement ControlTalk cord

The cord costs about $35 plus shipping and ships from California. Apparently you can only order by phone at the moment - so much for the decade of the Internet, eh?

You're welcome.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Actually Picks a Girl

2011-03-15T18:23:00.002-07:00

I can't remember a more polarizing final pair of contestants. I still really can't figure out what Brad sees in Chantel. Let's find out who he freaks out about less. It better be Emily.

South Africa photographs well.
Brad's crying. Was it The Chad? The Chad. The Chad.
Brad standing next to Chad is a weird experiment in working out and not working out. It's like if P90x before and after photos could hug each other.
I really wanted Brad to introduce Chantel as Chantel O.
Chantel "just knew" when she first saw Brad? Was this before or after slapping him in the face?
Wes is the younger brother? He doesn't look it or sound it at all.
Chantel: "I do honestly feel in my heart of hearts that at the end of the day Brad and I will be together." Uuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.
I get why Emily's history has come up so often, but she's not the only one that used to have a husband. Why does Chantel's history come up so little?
The Chad: "Emily is poised. She is extremely poised."
Emily is clearly winning the meet-the-family round. I don't think I remember such a one-sided opinion at this stage of the last episode.
Shark swimming time. I wonder if Chantel thinks sharks are afraid of cleavage.
Spoiler alert! The sharks kill no one. Especially Chantel.
Is Chantel a cartographer? That is a really good looking map.
Chantel just did 2 things. 1) She said "I choose you." 2) She cheered her own love letter. Allow me to retort. 1) No shit you choose Brad. He is THE Bachelor. There is no one else to choose. 2) Booooooooooooooooooo!
Hey Brad, FYI I'd be fine with you never calling Chantel "Channy" again.
Oh thank God. 70 minutes in and we hadn't had a helicopter ride. I was starting to twitch.
F you, Dr. Scholls!
Emily wins. What a cutie pie.
Oh no. She's grilling Brad about Riki. Not good. Even with her cute face.
Defeated. Huh. Well that went ... not goodly.
It's time the curtain opening / leaning on balcony / staring longingly into the ocean / walk across the hotel property montage.
Crap. He's picking Chantel, isn't he?
If "amazing" means "gaudy", then yes that ring is amazing, Brad.
Chantel holds the dress on the hanger in front of her body. Good call, Chantel. Wouldn't want to just put that dress on willy nilly. PS there's a peacock on your right shoulder.
How will they play it this year? Chantel is first out of the limo, but there's no telling what that means.
He's starting his Chantel speech on the positive tip ... usually not good for ending on the positive tip.
He skips "... but" and goes for "... and here's where it gets tough." Ouch. I might actually feel bad for Chantel right now.
Lesson learned, ladies: don't give it up in an open air bedroom in the middle of a South African safari.
14 year age difference between these love birds. Wild.
I think Big Swayze just pulled the same tie adjustment move with Emily as he did on the last final rose ceremony with Newnan and what's her face. Odd.
Well done, you two. You steered through a lot of crazy chicks and drama to get here.

Congrats to Mr. and Mrs. Big Swayze. And Little Riki Swayze. Adios, amigo! I'll catch up on after the final rose here shortly.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Tells All

2011-03-14T16:11:00.002-07:00

Let's get through the awkward interviews so we can jump to the finale. Head down. Power through!

Apparently Harrison has to whistle and snap at the ladies like they're dogs in order to get them to stop berating Michelle. Awesome.
The setting for Brad and Harrison's interview is fantastic. The fire in the background is more romantic than anything I've ever done in my life.
Madison was affectionately called "Fangs" across the country? I can think of about four things wrong with that last sentence.
I'll go on Shawntel's awkward dinner conversation date any time. Or any date with Shawntel ... awkward or otherwise.
Craziest parties ever: Bachelor reunions. I almost believe you, Chris.
Did I just see Vienna flirt with Guard and Protect Your Heart?
Roslyn. Good times. If she's hooking up with the help, imagine how many peeps she's hooking up with at these parties.
Vienna: "I get along with the guys really well." Isn't that girl code for "females tend to hate me?" Also I can think of one guy she did not get along with well at all.
Ali and Roberto are still together. Color me surprised.
I like that Ashley H dyed her face the same color as her hair.
Who is this giant necklaced girl defending Michelle?
Wow, these girls have imagined and rehearsed what they're saying in this moment for a long long time.
Harrison enjoys cat fights.
Fangs' time off has treated her well. She's looking foxy or fangy or ... something.
Wait. Melissa is from Florida? Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking. Vienna must be proud.
Melissa and Rachel are both insane, but I don't see how anyone considers Melissa to be the instigator in this cat fight.
Rachel pulls out the blow-hardiest of blow-hard moves ... using the word sorry while not actually apologizing for anything. As in ... "Of course I'm sorry ... sorry I let Melissa's pizza breath affect me. Sorry I got kicked off the show because of Melissa. And sorry I didn't punch her in the face on my way out."
Michelle's crying before she even sits down.
"I was there for the right reasons" and "I left my daughter at home" count is at 3 and 3 already.
Jackie's one small eye, one big eye face has to be how she lands all the guys.
Right reasons count is up to 4. Where was her daughter during the show again? I can't remember.
And we're tied 4-4. She left her daughter at home! Reasons!
Michelle: "I can't even breathe." Audience: applause break. "Maybe if we clap, she'll start breathing."
Would these girls be ripping into Emily about leaving her daughter (at home I would imagine, but I can't say for sure) if she were here?
I forgot that Ashley S was the kicked in the heart/stomach/face girl. Still sounds painful. And difficult to execute.
Harrison's best interview killer question of the night so far: "Do you think you deserve to be happy?" Chris, the interview kiiiiiiller!!
And Harrison ups the ante with Ashley H: "Do you think YOU ruined this relationship?" Chris, the interview kiiiiiiiiiller!!
Ashley says "brunettes have more fun." What is the deal with proving how much fun you have and then crediting your hair color for said fun? Are you having fun? Good. Let's leave it at that and be happy.
Big Swayze gets a standing O from the crowd. Weird.
Thanks to their sponsorship of abc.com, I will never buy a Dr. Scholl's product ever. Advertising sometimes has the opposite effect they're going for.
Blooper reel. Good times. All these contestants are actually real people. Who knew?

No regrets. Texas forever. Let's finish this season.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 9

2011-03-07T19:05:00.003-07:00

Nine? Nine episodes? I feel we've come so ... what's the opposite of far? Well once again I'm playing catch up and let's see if I can jog my memory. The girl I loved and the girl I loved to hate both got the boot leaving ... the girl I seriously dislike, the girl who is probably too good for Brad and ... someone else.

South Africa! Yowwwwwww! Partaaayyyyyyyy! Has anyone ever said that before?
Apparently the big cliff hanger this week will be "can I talk to you for a sec?" uttered during the rose ceremony. Hold onto your hats, everybody! There's going to be talking.
Brad travels with two roller suitcases AND a duffel bag ... which he simply carries with one hand or the other. Get a strap or a backpack or something, dude.
Chantel recap ... cry, cry, barf. Barf, barf, hug. Hug, cry, barf.
Ashley recap ... fun, fun, mess. Awkward, awkward, cry. Mess, insecure, awkward.
Emily recap ... wonderful, awesome, awesome. Nice, normal, nice. Weirded, out, Brad.
Safari time, Chantel. Sorry, though. No helicopter this time. I'll understand if you cry. Or barf.
Brad in a safari hat / tevas and Chantel in her jean shorts / cons. Perfect couple.
Chantel just quoted Boston and I don't think she meant to and/or noticed. "Love is more than a feeling. I close my eyes and I drift awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy!" Okay maybe she only quoted the first part.
Oh yeah! Overnight dates! The first euphemism for sex today courtesy of Chantel: "... and hoping that he's gonna want me to hang out a little later tonight than the normal dinner."
Why does Chris get dragged into all these overnight date cards?
So so so many cliches that I hate coming from these two: "It is what it is." "Your word is your word." "What happens in the fantasy suite stays in the fantasy suite." "Barf barf barf barf."
These two are gonna bone in this tree house? They really might be in love.
Yay, Emily! Welcome to the non-barf segment of this episode.
He was in the tree house last night? Man, Brad, you are a dog. Or a hyena ... or some other Africa-appropriate animal.
Still can't believe Emily is 24. Twenty four!
All these elephants remind me ... If we're ever hanging out, be sure to ask me about my cousin Jake's time with some elephants in Thailand. The story involves elephant soccer and elephant painting. How's that for a tease?
Dinner time. Emily. So likeable. So attractive. But seriously I would never be able to hang out with her and think she's younger than me. However, I would be able to not totally lose my cool around her ... unlike Brad. What happened to Big Swayze?
Does Harrison actually hand write these fantasy suite cards? If so, how bizarre.
The first fantasy suite denial in Bachelor history? Almost. But Emily is able to say "no boning" in an amazingly classy way. I expected nothing less from her.
You know else loves jean shorts? Ashley. Hers are shorter though ... and rippy-er.
If helicopters scare you this badly, I think there's about a billion other reality shows you should try out for before you try The Bachelor. Wipeout. Survivor. Fear Factor.
Brad says "This is beautiful. It is by all definitions 'God's Window.'" How many definitions for God's Window are there, Brad?
Dinner time. Brad's in on flannel friday.
Has anyone else noticed that Ashley does this a lot?
I can't tell you how many great dates I've been on where I did this:
Not looking good, Ash.
Chris said "welcome to the amazing country of South Africa" on all three cards. I'm starting to question that he wrote these himself.
I really could have handled more euphemisms for sex tonight. Like 10 more ... instead of just the 1 I got from Chantel.
So there's a decent chance that Chantel was the only girl that gave it up. Swayze is really off his game.
Huge is back. This week was a huge week apparently.
Harrison and Brad rebound greatly this week ... suit wise. Well done, both.
"Evening" seems to be very bright in South Africa. It's like the opposite of Alaska ... except it's the same ... cuz it's on the other hemisphere.
Emily looks wonderful as always and is patenting the double crossed hands stance. Stop copying her, Chantel!
Talk time with Ashley. Is he considering Ashley over Chantel? Or is he bypassing the rose ceremony entirely? Brad hates rules!
Rose ceremony be damned! You should have answered those questions, Ashley. Can't quite figure out what "those questions" were/are because Brad refuses to ask them, but still big mistake not answering them, Ash.
Good call, Brad. You totally stole Chris' last rose thunder with the early dismissal of Ashley. Brad hates rules!
And the most awkward toast of the season is actually handled pretty well by Swayze. Well played, Brad.

Next week, we get to meet Brad's family in their home to--no, wait. Scratch that. We get to meet Brad's family in Cape Town. It'll be just like home, I'm sure. Scratch THAT even. Women tall all next week. Especially Michelle, I'm sure.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 8

2011-02-22T19:55:00.002-07:00

Home town time. Home team time. Huge town team! Go go go.

Brad's fashion statement this week: Kangol hats. Keep it spicy, Brad.
Oh it's recap time. Let me guess. Chantal cries. Ashley's mostly a mess. Shawntel is cute. Emily has a daughter. Did I miss anything?
Chantal: "Today's my hometown date with Brad and I feel just as crazy ... as I did back in Anguilla." She admitted it! She's crazy! (That's how you use an ellipsis, people.)
Chantal's pets' names are: Jinxy, Bailey and Boca. Boca means mouth. I don't know what to read from that.
Meeting a woman's father ... also huge. Huge is back. Huge is huge.
Chantal: "It's really huge to go to [my parents' house] today." Going to houses is huge. I'm learning so much.
Oh yeah, Ando with the research again. Check out Chantal's dad's biz here.
If The Bachelor is any indication, I have NOT spent enough time sitting outside with a blanket wrapped around me.
I just realized that Brad asked Mr. O'Brien if he thinks Chantal is ready to settle down. He does know she was previously married, right?
Props to Chantal's mom for at least trying to get her forehead to move.
Brad wakes up in Maine and says to himself, "Wool socks. Check. Flannel. Check. Leather jacket. Check. What's missing? Fingerless gloves. Yes. I need me some fingerless gloves for my visit to Maine."
Little bit of a contrast between Chantal's family's house and Ashley's family's house. For starters, Ashley's family's house doesn't have 2 giant marble staircases in the foyer.
Is it weird that I noticed Ashley's sister's teeth before her tattoos? Ashley is a dentist for Pete's sake. This is like a fireman's brother not having smoke detectors. Or a mechanic's brother that hasn't had his oil changed in 6,000 miles. Or a tattoo artist's sister not having any tattoos. Oh. Maybe it sorta makes sense.
So far home town dates are a great success. Michelle must be pissed. I actually kinda miss hearing her negative take on all the other girls.
Time to get morbid with Shawntel's date. So far the date is very echoey. And casket filled.
Hard for me to deny that I wouldn't be a little weirded out too.
No date really gets cookin' until someone says "aneurysm hook." ... And we're off!
I'm confused by the hair colors of the Newton daughters. Is it possible to have natural brunettes and blonds in the same fam?
There are 2 kinds of houses on this earth. Those with bird cages. And those without.
We're 30 seconds into Emily's date and I'm pretty sure it's going to be fair to name this date "Shy Time."
10 more minutes have passed ... Shy ... Time. Maybe you should have shaved the beard, Brad.
Some dates involve aneurysm hooks, others involve games of Candylands. Just depends on the day.
Weird play from Brad here. Make your move, man. Or call your shrink. Or both.
Emily. So likeable. I get the feeling Brad is gonna blow it with her in the end though.
I appreciate the Vaseline lens they put on the recaps of all the home town dates. Helps me understand that these are flashbacks.
Harrison. I just don't know what to say about this outfit.
Also I appreciate the color coordination and blinking coordination of the ladies.
First rose goes to Ashley. He liked those fries with gravy I guess.
Holy crap, Chris. Leave us alone! You were just here! Let us miss you a little.
Wow. Shawntel, I'm moving to Chico and I'll lay down on your embalming table any time. Please be gentle with the aneurysm hook. It's my first time.
Brad, you just sent home Shawntel while Ashley and Chantal remain upstairs. You're aware of this, yes?

Well, another bad decision in the books. We'll see what Brad's able to screw up in South Africa next week!

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 7

2011-02-22T18:04:00.002-07:00

Time to play some catch up. What exotic location are they in this week? Oh yeah. Anguilla (pronunciation optional). Get it on!

Anguilla loves steel drums. Or it's pronounced stayl drums? Stee-ahll drums? Seriously someone figure out how to say Anguilla.
Holy shit! 4 dates! This is crazy town!
Can we take Britt on a sandwich date? Or 4? Cuz that girl needs to eat. Did this just happen? Or did it take me this long to notice her Skeletor body?
Helicopter. Oh joy. Excitement. Thrills. For real, at this point, Brad going on a helicopter should received the same emotional reaction as when he runs out of toothpaste. Or buys cereal at the grocery store. Or moves his left arm. Who really cares.
Outside of the helicopter ride, Brad and Emily's date involved sitting in one spot on the beach for hours? I guess that's true love?
Oh, change of venue. Good. Otherwise this date really would have sucked as far as Bachelor dates go. They all have helicopter rides so that's a moot point. No shopping spree? No repelling? Emily should be pissed.
Word of the day ... is "huge." This adjective can be applied to ... 1 on 1 dates, meeting families, meeting Emily's daughter, Michelle's ego and Britt's appetite. Well maybe not the last one.
Brad drops the rose guarantee on Emily during the date. Is this a Bachelor first? Where's Harrison when you need him?
Onto Shawntel's date ... somehow Farmer's Markets make Shawntel "trip out a little bit." Embalming dead bodies on the other hand ... no problem.
Shawntel's evening date features near-matching purple shirt and dress. I'm gonna say not into it.
Props to Ando for a sneak peek of Shawntel's family and family business. Apparently Shawntel cut bangs at one point. Bangs are huge. What? Huge doesn't apply here? Damn. I thought I was onto something.
"We are about to have a concert by none other than Bankie Banx," says Brad. My response: "Huh." If I could cue Bald Bryan's "WHO!?" drop, I'd do so now.
"Probably the most famous singer in Anguilla ... if not the entire Caribbean." Whatever you say, Swayze.
Are the other people at his party paid extras? Where did they all come from?
I agree with Ando ... Shawntel's super giant tattoo makes for nice symmetry with Brad's super giant tattoo.
No place to graciously fit this in ... Shawntel's sister did not cut bangs ... and is blond ... and thinks posing on top of bars is huge.
Onto Britt's date ... swimming out to a yacht sounds like a good time. No, wait. A huge time. Yeah. Swimming out to yachts is huge.
Michelle says she couldn't even see Brad and Britt being friends on Facebook. Can we just have her host the show at this point? She gets all the confessional time as it is.
Is this a muscle or a bone? I think Britt might be some sort of anatomical case study.
Let's just say ... Britt is not getting the rose guarantee during this date.
Uh oh. They're playing the somber guitar tune during dinner ... usually reserved for the rose ceremony aftermath.
Oh it's awkward. Brad's honesty is insane. The dude is honest ... and huge. Am I using it right yet?
"I think it's time to say goodbye. Now let me guide you off the yacht to the rejection boat." Bszzzhhbbbbbbbbbbbbb. (That was my attempt to type out the sound of a outboard motor boat. Trust me it played in my head.)
Ashley says "I think from here on out, there's going to be a lot of heartbreak." From here on out? Have you or have you not been on the show thus far?
Hey Ashley, it's 2am. And you're indoors. There's really no need to shield your eyes from the sun.
In case you missed it on the news stands, here's the end result of the shoot.
Did they booze Ashley up? Cuz she seems ... uninhibited.
I believe all Michelle convos go like this. Good times / flirty times -> discussion of some serious flaws in the idea of Brad and Michelle as a couple -> Michelle agrees with the flaws -> Michelle somehow twists the flaws into a positive that Brad totally buys into.
You know what I like about Ashley most? Her confidence. Her confidence is huge. Still not right? C'mon now!
Chantal's confidence is also huge.
Michelle, Emily and Shawntel have this thing locked up. They've maintained their cool all season. How can Brad possibly pick Chantal or Ashley after all this mess? Imagine Brad picking Ashley or Chantal. And then he spends all his days convincing Ashley and Chantal that he actually likes them. No way. That's not the Swayze I know.
I wouldn't mind talking to Brad's shrink after this disaster of a date. What's the time difference in Anguilla?
Barefoot cocktail party ... cancelled! Please tell me he sends Chantal home. Please, Brad. Don't make me beg.
Chantal opened the season by slapping you ... and by my count has spent the rest of the season crying. Real catch, that Chantal.
I can't believe I'm rooting for Michelle.
Holy crap, the unofficial host of The Bachelor is out. I think the lesson we can all take away here is ... when given the opp to take your top off in a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue photo shoot ... in Anguilla ... while also filming The Bachelor ... you should probably do it. That opportunity is huge.
I kid I kid!
Let's hear it for the shortest farewell word count in Bachelor history.

Next episode: let's get creepy in the mortuary! What else could you ask for?

Top 10 Best Shortest Songs of All Time

2011-02-20T10:10:00.005-07:00

As I was listening to "King of The Rodeo" by Kings of Leon for the 434th time (literally), I found myself loving the song even more because it's only 2:26 long. They didn't bother taking the song's greatness and bleeding it out for 4:30. Put down the brilliance of the song and then end the song when it's over.

So I ran some numbers and was amazed at home many good short songs there are on my iTunes library.

3 stars or better under 3:00 - 334 songs
3 stars or better under 2:45 - 208 songs
3 stars or better under 2:30 - 131 songs
4 stars or better under 2:30 - 32 songs

Wow. Apparently KoL isn't the only band tuned into the short song theory (although they represent a pretty hefty portion of the list).

So let's hand pick the 10 best (limiting the choices to songs on my library and limiting selections to one song per artist).

King of The Rodeo - Kings of Leon - 2:26
See Through Head - The Hives - 2:22
Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois - Sufjan Stevens - 2:09
Communion Cups and Someone's Coat - Iron & Wine - 2:03
Never Going Back Again - Fleetwood Mac - 2:14
Don't Panic - Coldplay - 2:17
Jesus On The Radio - Guster - 2:17
Ain't No Sunshine - Bill Withers - 2:05
Explosivo - Tenacious D - 1:55
Tie between My N****z - DMX - 1:05 and B.I.G. Interlude - Notorious B.I.G. - 0:48

Honorable mentions:

Double Rainbow Song - The Gregory Brothers - 1:31
Standard Lines - Dashboard Confessional - 2:27
Lovestain - Jose Gonzalez - 2:17
Loretta Lee Jones - Langhorne Slim - 2:23
Hurry Up Let's Go - Shout Out Louds - 2:19
Rip It Up - Razorlight - 2:25
Summer Candy - Ben Rector - 2:19
Nitro (Youth Energy) - The Offspring - 2:27
Blood and Treasure - Bear Hands
Natalie's Rap - The Lonely Island - 2:27
I'm A Cucumber - Brak - 0:21

What'd I miss?

Composed at a bar: The Quintissential 90s Rock Band List

2011-02-18T20:54:00.002-07:00

This list was composed by Dan, Zach, Luke and Jill at a bar. And is subject to your judgment.

Live
Pearl Jam
Tool
Nirvana
STP
Sound garden
Bush
NIN
Filter
Rage
Alice in chains
Smashing pumpkins
Green Day
Weezer
Foo Fighters
Marilyn Manson

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 6

2011-02-07T19:22:00.002-07:00

Well another week has passed and I've all but forgotten where we are in the season, who's left on the show, etc. Harrison, help me out! Crap. Tivo malfunction during the first 5 minutes of the show. Guess I'll have to fill in the blanks with guesswork. They've all moved from their ridiculously luxurious place in Vegas to a ridiculously luxurious location somewhere else. Hot Mom is still angry at everything in the world except Brad. And Brad has transitioned from hoodies to vests to something else. How'd I do?

Chantal seems to have landed herself a date.
There are really still a lot of girls left on this show. Let's get to cutting, Brad. You're slipping.
Oh boy. A helicopter ride. I can barely contain my excitement. Yay. Wee. Woo. Boring. Lame. Barf.
Hot Mom just called someone ELSE egotistical ... and Emily NAILED the non-verbal reaction to said comment. Emily scores points even when she's not talking!
Deep thoughts pre-zip-lining: "I wonder if the rain makes you go faster." Don't hurt your brain too early on the date, Brad.
Chantal knows that Brad himself did not actually set up the picnic himself, right?
Here's what I've learned today: Brad is unable to discern when it is raining or not. He's asked "IS it raining?" at least twice on this date alone.
Also Chantal's blue top thingy to white button-up shirt outfit change ... was a downgrade, Brad. You're wrong, sir.
Confessional time with Hot Mom reveals ... she is a make up wizard, but the wizard took the day off.
Chantal says "this is by far the best rose." No shit, Chantal. Are you sure the rose on episode 1 or episode 2 wasn't better?
Group date time! Do you think Brad double checked with the producers to ask if any of the ladies had husbands that died while repelling? After the last group date, I sure would have.
Michelle actually has a legitimate point. They made a pact and that pact is now broken. Chances this has any effect whatsoever on Michelle's desire to possess Brad's soul: 0.0%
My top 2 ladies are the 2 that go first and have a great time doing it. I'm proud of Shawntel and Britt ... and me ... for liking them.
Bathing suit time causes Michelle to swear ... and do it in such a way that I have no idea what she said. I mean I have some idea, but she really could have telegraphed her swear better if she wanted us to know what she said.
You know how you can be assured you're about to say something bitchy? By saying "I don't say this to be a bitch ... at all." Well played, Michelle.
Oh boy. Time for some great TV: the bug freak out segment ... which they actually made awesome by transitioning it into Brad and Michelle's OoOT. That was pretty legitimately great. Someone get that editor a raise.
BTW, OoOT means one on one time. And BTW means by the way.
Time for Alli's boobs' date -- er, I mean Alli's date. Wow, Alli.
Did Brad ride up with horses AND mini-horses? Did Rob Dyrdeck co-produce this episode?
So ... Brad and Alli are NOT getting married during the 59th minute of the 6th episode of the season!? I'm sick of your wordplay, trickery and lies, Brad! You said altar! Altar!
The Sports Gal says they weren't showing the girls' ages earlier in the season ... but they certainly are now. And Alli is 24 ... a fact which I don't think is helping her case with Brad at this exact moment.
The no-rose OoOD. Oh it's awkward. It's awkward, it's awkward. Let's distract ourselves by figuring out what OoOD stands for. Crap I already know cuz I made it up.
And just when it couldn't get any more awkward, Brad sends her off with "bye, okay?"
Kudos to Michelle for not walking out of the house to watch the cab driver take Alli's suitcase away. Once he took the suitcase at all, I think we all knew what was going to happen.
Yes! The Denver local news is just as bad as the Tucson local news! "At 10, how allergies can prevent certain kinds of cancer."
So Michelle shows up at Swayze's room after Alli's date ... kinda like Rated Injured showed up at Ali's bachelorette house. Why haven't these rogue meet ups occurred more often?
Risky play here, Michelle. Consciously talking shit about other ladies has not fared well for the shit talkers in the history of The Bachelor.
Chantal's "Jane" outfit ... not working. Not at all. No.
Brad brilliantly follows up "it is what it is" by saying "it just is what it is." I might need to update my previous post. And force Brad to read it at gun point.
Sign a conversation is going very badly: when each sentence begins by saying the other person's name. Michelle, you sat there and listed out the women that were going to stay and were going to leave. Brad, you asked me to. Michelle, you've had better make up days. Brad, I'm going to force myself to cry now so it seems like I have a soul.Utah , get me two! (C'mon, it's been a while ... and it totally plays cuz she's actually from Utah! Bang.)
Shawntel's "super hot" outfit ... working. Well. Yes.
Shawntel's quiet game ... working even better. I'm legitimately smitten right now ... with both of them.
Ooooooo except that kiss was a little gross ... BUT we have a full recovery with Brad's silent celebratory fist pump. Please tell me I'm not alone here in Smiletown. Smile. Town.
Chantal, I appreciate your sleuthing skills, but you already have a rose. How about you just sit back and enjoy your evening of trying to look like a cheetah in Costa Rica.
Let me paraphrase Harrion's pre-rose ceremony prep talk ... "it's going to suck even worse than normal for the one girl here that ends up going home tonight. Good luck, Ashley."
Well I (and Harrison) got that one wrong. Ashley gets the first rose. Britt, dive for a rose now. Just take one!
Woo hoo! Britt stays alive ... which means Jackie is gonzo.
We all know Michelle gets the rose from last week's previews. How dumb do the producers think we are? Don't answer that.
Jackie surprises everyone with an amazingly graceful exit. Huh. Tears and pity party kept to a minimum. Wild.

Next week we find out how to pronounce Anguilla ... cuz Brad sure doesn't know. Bradley doesn't know.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 5

2011-01-31T19:04:00.004-07:00

In the words of Bill O'Reilly ... F it. We'll do it live! We'll do it LIVE! Tonight features Brad's worst Oprah impression, the most awkward and insensitive date in Bachelor history (that's me saying that, not Harrison) and more freak outs from pretty much everyone involved. Freak out!

Things you learn while watching live - schools are closed in Denver. All of them. But that doesn't stop ABC from scrolling every school name in existence across the ticker. Seems like this data would be pretty well convyed via a website.
"The dreaded 2-on-1 date" ... how great is it that they advertise the date as horrible. Guaranteed.
Your first destination on this journey ... is a town roughly 5 hours away by car that I bet you've all visited on your own. Please freak out like they're sending you to Dubai.
I'm amazed they could craft all these shots of Aria and City Center in Vegas without featuring any of the cranes and construction that is entirely on hold all around their casino.
Hey look, everyone. It's Marissa. She like sports! And she's still on the show. Crazy on both counts, right?
As if "... end tonight with a bang" wasn't forward enough, I hope Shawntel N's card said "Let's 'N' tonight with a bang." Nothing pairs better than puns AND sexual innuendo.
Brad has traded in his hoodie for a vest. Count me not into it.
Shawntel describes her shopping spree as "little kids in a candy shop ... or adults in a mall ... yeah, that's probably more accurate."
Brad's "this is yours" routine really could have been better.
Kudos to the producers ... show and tell after the shopping spree ... I'm surprised no one has been thrown through one of those giant plate glass windows.
Brad is "fascinated" with embalming. Really, Brad? Really?
So many quotes from this date: "Where would this leakage occur?" "Think of all our orifices." "I'm gonna have to meet Peaches."
Oh I get it. They N'ded the night with a bang ... cuz fireworks make sounds. Good one, ABC.
It's time for some serious Ashley on Ashley violence via the 2-on-1 date, but first let's get awkward.
I take it back. Let's not get awkward. This is too horrible to even comment on.
Holy crap, Emily is the greatest female ever (next to my mom and sister of course). She prefaced her story about her husband's death with "I don't want you to think I'm ungrateful."
And then she drives the car! And likes it! How does Brad not take her to the final 2 after this?
Even Michelle has put her hate away for this one. Maybe she does have a soul.
Oh boy. Alli just stamped her ticket to H-E-double-hockey-sticks with 4 words: "We all have problems."
This date is about ... feelings. Unfunny feelings.
Oh wait, Michelle put her sole away, bashed the other girls and made the move on Brad. We're back.
Did anyone else notice the Ashleys perfectly matched their steps coming out of their room? What the H. Distinguish yourselves, ladies! Distinguish yourselves!
Brad is going to make Ashley perform again? First Seal and now performing in Vegas. She's the one girl where non-date days are more fun than date days.
I think Ashley just said "perfact." BTW I've stopped trying to differentiate them ... since they have too.
Now that they're on wires, I'm suddenly wishing Michelle was on this date.
I know what would calm these ladies' nerves before they perform in front of 2,000 people and then potentially get sent home: dinner!
And the loser is ... Ashley. Awww, that makes Ashley the winner! Congratulations and sorry, Ashley.
Ashley: "I feel like I just got punched in the stomach ... and the heart." I think I saw that move in Enter The Dragon.
Today's therapy take-away: Brad's therapist has a wired land line phone! Was there a bigger message I should have received?
Living in a Subway-free town, I feel like these $5 foot long Subway commercials are punching me in the face ... and the heart.
Now Chantel is bitching about Emily's alone time ... do these girls not understand the situation? Imagine if Shawntel was a widow whose husband died at a mall. Do you think they'd get it then? Too far? Fine, I'm sorry. There's just not a ton to work with on this ep.
Hey, Britt! I miss you. Hi, Britt. Hey there.
So wait ... does Michelle think these other girls are right for Brad? Or no? She's very wishy washy.
Can a lady help me out with these new commercials for Beyaz ... is this that other product I remember called Yaz? And now it's decided to be ... yaz? Beyaz? Is it like when a caterpillar turns into a butterfly? Except with birth control?
Do you think Brad still reads all of Marissa's little notes even after not giving her a rose? Do you think each note has a fun fact about sports? Marissa likes sports!
And the other person that didn't get a rose was someone named Lisa. Lisa ... you won't be missed. Woops -- will ... will be missed! What'd I say, won't? Wow.
The walk out of the gigantic hotel room, down the hallway, into the elevator, down the elevator, through the casino, into the lobby and into the parking area is probably a lot longer than the walk out of the Malibu house ... just a guess.

Next week: somewhere to actually get excited about - Costa Rica! It means rich coast in English. It also means Michelle's giant boobs in Polish and awkward looking cliff dive in Mandarin. And apparently Michelle gets to hang out with her own kind in a later episode: sharks! (See cuz she's mean ... and can't get cancer.) Until next week.

Luke's Top Albums of 2010

2011-01-30T20:20:00.006-07:00

Podcasts continually play a larger part in my listening life (only 1,107 songs auditioned in 2010 vs. 1,712 in 2009), but my tune time this year yielded some great biz. If you missed out on my 2009 picks, click here.

Albums I Missed From 2009

Ghostland Observatory - Papparazzi Lighting.
I caught these guys in concert a few weeks ago and that was the final push I needed to really appreciate this album. I like last.fm's description of them: "They are not a band, but an agreement between two friends to create something that not only heals their beat-driven hearts, but pleases their rock ‘n roll souls."

Pretty Lights - Filling Up The Skies, Vol. 2.
This DJ out of Denver is really popular among snowboarders and skiers around Aspen and rightfully so. Just check out "Finally Moving Remix" and I think you'll get it. Or better yet go shred Aspen Mountain on a snowboard while listening to this and you'll really get it.

Ra Ra Riot - The Rhumb Line.
Nothing too deep to say here other than this is a compilation of very catch tunes. My fav is "Each Year."

With that, let's get to the meat of 2010 ordered into tiers of Untouchables, Must Haves, and Gold Plated Diapers

2010 Untouchables

If you don't have these albums, you're only hurting yourself. You're basically kicking yourself in the shin continuously until you own and listen to these albums.

The Tallest Man on Earth - Everything He's Ever Put Out.
That's not the name of an album, but really you should just go get everything that the man known as Kristian Matsson has put out. Some have compared him to Bob Dylan, but I don't think that's fair to TMoE at all after Dylan's Grammy performance. Oh and if you get a chance to see him live, it's a must see show. There are no options.

Kings of Leon - Come Around Sundown.
My favorite band of the last 5 years puts out an album every 2 years it seems ... which contributes heavily to my ongoing like for the KoL. Some have ripped this album for being "stadium rock" and not as hard as their previous albums. Whatever the mood or the genre is ... here's my take. If KoL albums were mountain ranges, this album is a nice 10,000 foot plateau as opposed to a series of 14,000 foot jagged peaks. The whole album is great.

Local Natives - Gorilla Manor.
This LA band likes to sing "oh woah" a lot ... and it plays every time. Take the first track for instance ... As I said in a tweet earlier this year ... "The first 40 seconds of every song wishes it was as good as this one."

Must Haves

Get these too. Let's stop fooling around.

Bear Hands - Golden EP.
I saw these guys open for We Were Promised Jetpacks and, wow, these 4 dudes from Brooklyn lay it down. Fun fact: their lead singer hangs out stage right while their bass player (who doesn't do vocals) gets the front and center spot. It plays.

Ben Rector - Into The Morning.
Another discovery via opener. Ben opened for Mr. Dave Barnes and wouldn't ya know it he has some great singer/songwriter tunes. And he's hilarious. Here's video evidence captured via my Flip cam.

Dave Barnes - What We Want, What We Get.
Yaaaaaaay Barnes is back. Easily one of my favorite singer/songwriters of the last decade - his previous album kinda/sorta missed the mark with me ... but not this one. "Barnes killed it tonight."

Mayer Hawthorne - A Strange Arrangement.
The third "opener" on the list. I caught this guy open for John Mayer over NYE in Vegas and enjoyed myself a lot, but not nearly as much as when I saw them later at the Mile High Music Festival. He's a white guy that pretty much writes Motown songs ... and I welcome all of them.

Tokyo Police Club - Champ.
This album opens strong with 2 songs that start with the word "Favourite" and they even work in a 3rd unnecessary "ou" word with "Colour" on track 2. Rock. Indie. I'm not quite sure how to categorize these guys outside of really good.

Gold Plated Diapers

The best of the rest.

Frightened Rabbit - The Winter of Mixed Drinks.
Can you believe the list went this long without having a Scottish (correction) band? Well the wait's over. FR is back with another set of hits ... not as hitty as their previous album, but hitty nonetheless.

Mumford & Sons - Sign No More.
I initially thought this guy's voice sounded exactly like that of Mr. Dave Matthews ... and then I realized "hey, no matter who this guy sounds like, there is some great music being played behind/by him." And then the whole world realized the same thing ... well maybe not the Dave Matthews part.

The Silver Seas - High Society and Chateau Revenge!
Mr. Dave Barnes (previously mentioned in this blog) turned me onto these cats and these are 2 albums of catchy/poppy tunes. To answer the question posed in one of their best songs "What's The Drawback?" None. There is no drawback.

Sleigh Bells - Treats.
This band is pretty far off my usual genre radar, but something about super bassy beats mixed with girls singing about whether or not they forgot their sunglasses works.

Spoon - Transference.
Maybe the most indie predictable album on this list, but I can't leave it off. Slowly complicated building progressions of Who Makes Your Money and I Saw The Light need to be heard.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 4

2011-01-25T20:12:00.003-07:00

Let's slide this catch up session into home.

Someone should ask Dr. Drew how one would get a black eye in the middle of the night. Someone make a note for later.
As Ando pointed out earlier ... there are two words to describe Harrison's opening appearance tonight: cardigan fail.
Chantal at the start of their date: "I'm getting picked up on a helicopter! How cool is that!?" F You, Chantal. You can go straight to hell til you die.
Congratulations, producers on finding the ugliest, most lifeless plot of ocean in existence.
How is that none of Chantal's over abundance of blush has rubbed off on Brad's beige hoodie?
Back at the homestead, Michelle is developing an Ali/Vienna complex with Chantal. The "I don't see how he can like me if he also likes her" complex makes very little sense in my tiny male brain.
Finally a sneak peek into what actually goes on at Loveline. If you want a *real* peek, this is a wonderful video.
Can't believe Mike is getting no love on this segment. Mike wore a pink tie and looked super serious throughout!
I'm giggling thinking of the typical Loveline calls that probably sandwiched all these heartfelt words from Brad that the girls drooled all over.
This just in. Brad loves hoodies.
Britt makes her move. She played The Bachelor like you're supposed to play Survivor. Fly low under the radar as long as possible ... and then pounce. She's sly.
Look out, Michelle. Brad's here for your date. And he's wearing a hoodie.
I bet Michelle wakes up every day and does this routine, but says something else: "Now, this whole house ... sucks. I can do anything annoying. I hate my housemates. I hate everything. I hate my Chantal. I hate my black eye. I hate talking about everyone other than me. I like my hair. I like my hair cuts. I hate this whole ... HOUSSSSSE! My whole house ... sucks. I can do anything annoying. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah."
I'm a little excited to watch Michelle squirm during her repelling date.
A Point Break quote comes to mind: "Some guys snort for it, other guys shoot a vein ... all you gotta do is jump."
So the "babe" barrier has been broken thanks to adrenaline and a whole lotta rope. Great.
PS I think that was Michelle and Brad's first kiss. Where are the fireworks, Michelle? Where are they!?!?
Today's "bingo" session -- er, therapy session reveals the following: get it on!!! Gotta get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandate: get it on.
This is the worst cocktail party ever. I've spent the majority of it trying to remember the Twitter handles Patton Oswalt was raving about on Simmons' podcast. The gist I'm getting is that ladies are having a tough time feeling special and unique? Probably has to do with 10 of you trying to date the same dude.
Uh oh. The bad ties are creeping back. On the bright side: no hoodie!
It must be a special kind of torture to share a first name on this show. "Ashleyyyyyyyyyy S." "Oh! So close!"
Ashley H gets the rose instead of Horrible Shoes, Stacey and that Lindsay chick. Freak outs can pay off, ladies.

Next week, we rehash a lame segment from last season: forcefully putting people in live theatre! And we rehash a segment from this episode: excessive crying! Can't wait.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 3

2011-01-25T17:54:00.003-07:00

It's worth mentioning that the primary advertiser if you watch The Bachelor on ABC.com is Dr. Scholl's Custom Fit Orthotic Inserts. Are there a lot of guys and gals with flat feet that LOVE manufactured love and psychology-experiment-driven drama? Marketing continues to amaze me.

Tonight on The Bachelor - more movie making fun. How jealous is Jake Pavelka right now?
Also worth mentioning that Ando has been doing his research and makes a decent case for Hot Mom being a plant.
Don't miss Hot Mom's blockbuster movie out soon! Featuring the worst tag line ever: "With Love, There Are Always Second Chances." Also in the running were "With Cheeseburgers, There Are Always Second Chances" and "With Death, There Are Always Second Chances."
And REALLY don't miss her Twitter picture.
Ashley gets the first date this week and the honor of trying to look comfortable in the convertible whilst her hair flies absolutely everywhere.
What's great about having to not only sing on the most pressure-filled date of your life is that you have to do it IN FRONT of a bunch of random MUSIC ENGINEERS and the song they chose for you is insanely difficult to sing ... AND they're going to bring in the actual singer to rub it in your face later.
AND they both have shit for rhythm.
Fun fact about Seal: he loves Aspen and visits often. I look forward to murdering Kiss From a Rose for him at Karaoke some day soon.
Another fun fact: Ashley was ten when Kiss From a Rose came out. Ten! Ten years OLD!
Date card says "Love Hurts." I'm guessing you're going to be taking turns kicking each other in the crotch. Or laying on beds of nails. Or maybe it was just a dumb cliche that the producers continue feel compelled to use and has nothing to do with pain at all.
Group date time. The fun thing about episode 3 is you still swear this is your first time seeing some of these ladies. Sarah P ... did they sneak you into the show just for this scene?
"Steven Ho: Action Director" ... I'm using that title at the next random party I'm at.
Also, the fake camera cross hairs and timing clock are adding NOTHING to these scenes. What's even better is I guarantee that had to put this crap back in in post.
Someone please shut Hot Mom up. We get it. You don't like group dates. Stop explaining it in ridiculously stupid and timely ways.
Did they just do a SECOND confessional where Michelle described fireworks during her and Swayze's first kiss? F this show. And Hot Mom.
Chantal O's daddy confession paired with Ashley's ... was there a question on The Bachelor app that explicitly asked "How long has it been since you've seen your real father?" and they only accepted answers that were 5 years or greater?
The make out session after the daddy confession is a strong move ... by Brad and Chantel both.
Speaking of confessionals, it's time for Emily to send me straight to hell. Honestly I'm surprised I'm still typing right now.
Okay really strike me down now. This is the saddest story ever. I need to go listen to "I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't" to cheer up.
Shawntel the dark horse is my new girl. I'm pulling for you, young lady.
If I were to name someone Chantal, I think I'd go with ... Shantall? Chauwntehlle? Schwaun'taull? I think every girl in the country could be named Psh'e'ntoh'll and we could never have a repeat spelling.
Holy crap, there's a typo in their shitty fake movie poster.
Time for Emily's date and the first thing Brad does is put her on a plane. Maybe I'll have a partner on my way to my eternity of burning.
Actually that was the second thing Brad did. The first and third things he did were mess up Emily's hair thoroughly via two convertible rides. He hates well sculpted hair.
Meanwhile, Vampire is having a bad day. But hey at least her skin isn't smoking while sitting out by the pool. It's also not shining like diamonds. Lesson learned: Twilight and True Blood are full of s.
Wow Emily is down to earth and likeable. Really wow. Super crazy wow.
And the other girls really are right about her likeness.
My take away from Brad's shrink session: "Bingo." Wise words, sir. Wise words.
More insanely wise words ... this time from Brad: "I'm gonna use tonight's cocktail party ... to talk to these ladies." You know what Brad is? He's an innovator.
Chantal wears way too much make up. Not to be confused with Shawntel ... who is still my dark horse and has perfected the art of make up ... relatively.
My dislike for Michelle has been upgraded to ... severe.
I don't remember any convos like Vampire's and Ashley H's in previous seasons ... where both parties basically agree to not give/receive roses later. Bizarre.
Hey Britt! Look at you. Your face made it onto this episode! Awesome.
Hmmm, the rose ceremony is starting and there are 2 breaks left. Prepare for drama.
And go. Vampire takes her exit. Back to modeling and odd dental choices I guess?
Now ABC.com is showing commercials for The Bachelor ... during The Bachelor. Maybe they read my snark about the Dr. Scholl's ads?
PS it seems pretty damn likely that Brad's possible final hug of the show is with Emily ... based on the fact that she's the only Barbie-haired girl left.
Someone named Lindsey just got a rose. I love episode 3.
Horrible Shoes again! Big Swayze is killing me.

Next episode, Dr. Drew and my boy Psycho Mike in the hizzzzzy! So stoked. And Ashley H attempts her best stalker Hot Mom routine. Jiggins.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 2

2011-01-24T20:22:00.002-07:00

2 episodes in one night. I'm on a Brad Bender. A Swayze Streak. A Harrison Happenstance. Shoulda stopped at 2? I agree. I'm open to other better alliteration injected synonyms for streak.

I think Harrison was wearing acid washed jeans. Or maybe his jeans' parents were acid washed jeans.
This is the look of a girl that isn't going on the one on one date ... and a possible murderer-to-be. Ashley on Ashley crime is becoming a real problem in this country.
I like that Brad felt the need to point out "we're at a carnival" after turning on the lights. Until then, I was pretty certain it was a library.
In addition to learning a lot about himself in the last 3 years, Brad also learned a lot about not wearing horrible suits and ties. That's real growth right there, ladies.
I'm excited to watch Hot Mom slowly melt down over the course of 3 or 4 episodes. It'll be like Natalie Portman in Black Swan. Except without all the violent nail clipping scenes.
"One thing you should know about me is that I can't have a conversation without tilting my head to one side." -Ashley
Tonight on The Bachelor: the most dramatic, crescendo-filled ferris wheel kiss ever.
Alli's title is "Apparel Merchant"? That means she works at Forever 21 or Hot Topic, right?
Melissa has already mentioned quitting her job twice on this episode alone. Her eventual demise might be on the level of Hillary.
Wow, Hot Mom, your 30th birthday kinda sucked compared to mine.
Thank God for the cat sound effects when the girls were slapping each other. Otherwise I would have had no idea these 2 ladies were in a cat fight.
I kind of like Britt. "I'm a big ol' prude - ehahaha."
So Michelle stomps off and Brad says "If there's a problem, I'm going to address it. Check out the hook while my DJ assesses it." Or at least he said the first part.
Meltdown #1: The Melissa Chronicles has begun. "You're acting like a 21-year-old!!" "I am seriously a 32-year-old talking to a 21-year-old right now!"
Aaaaaand Meltdown #2: Hot Mom Hot Mess has also begun.
Jackie actually kinda makes me feel like I'm talking to a 21 year old ... or a 13 year old. Seriously she's still in Junior High, right?
Oh no. The Hollywood Bowl. What sad sap of a performer is going to awkwardly perform for them? I hope it's Bieber ... or Miley Cyrus ... for Jackie's sake. Kids these days.
Ugh, it's Train ... and not the cool Train from the One and a Half days. Would it kill them to play Sweet Rain?
"The first night, let's face it. It was a little awkward." Big Swayze speaks the truth, people.
I think Melissa and Raichel need to bone and get this over with. And maybe get into a hot wax fight after ... or during.
Wait a minute. Horrible Shoes is still in the running? Come on, Brad.
Seriously how are both Melissa and Raichel crying? You can't both be the victim, right?
Speaking of victims, Ali and Roberto! Someone take a picture of Roberto before he starts sweating. And get a snap of Ali before she changes into something yellow!
Congratulations to Sarah for getting a rose on the 2nd episode while somehow simultaneously making her first appearance of the season!
I don't know why, but I'm pulling for Raichel. Team Man-scaper!
PS I think Chantel N. is a real dark horse for going far this season.
Horrible Shoes makes it to episode 3? Come ON, Brad!
Yay, Britt! Boo, Raichel and Melissa! Just like paper beats rock, prude beats drama.
Melissa, if you say "target" one more time, I'm going to make you talk to a 21 year-old.

Next week, more fun with movie making! And something short of fun with music making. Save us, Seal! And my one-way ticket to Hell gets triple-stamped as Emily tells us more about her husband. Awesome.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 1

2011-01-24T18:27:00.004-07:00

Well, better late than never, right? I don't know how I kept myself away from my favorite bachelor ever for this long ... there must be something in the air up here in Aspen.

Y'all know that Brad = Big Swayze, right? Just making sure.

Onto the ep ...

Let's get our recap on! How did Harrison avoid hyperbole when mentioning the end of Swayze's last season? "One of the most controversial finales in Bachelor history?" One of them? We're off to a rocky start, Chris.
Swayze has lost some weight, yeah? Not as Big Swayze? Slightly Smaller Swayze? Three Quarter Swayze?
We're one break in and I've had enough of Brad with his shirt off to last me all season.
So far so good, Brad. Your first choice is a dentist that spends her time talking to statues in the park. Status of Ben Franklin no less.
AND she likes to have fun. Shocking!
Chantal O? More like Shakey O. Heyoooooooooo! (Rhymes with shakey o.)
So wait ... Madison is a real vampire? How is this not a bigger story?
Emily's husband was a race car driver named Ricky? C'mon now. Don't make me say it.
As if Brad and Harrison's interview wasn't already awkward enough, here come Jenni (aka the over laugher) and DeAnna (Nugs, Jesse. Blow it up.)
Chris' interview skills remain top notch: "DeAnna, what was the worst part about that final episode of The Bachelor?" The man sleeps and breathes awkwardness.
"Walls" count is at 3 ... in this segment alone.
Listening to DeAnna and Jenni, my support of Brad's double dumping is stronger than it ever was before. Dis. Like.
Chantal opens the season with an impromptu slap? No way that s was a) real or b) unprovoked by the producers or c) amped up in post.
Meghan, your shoes are the worst thing I've ever seen. And I know the definition of hyperbole. And I'm a guy.
Ugh, I dislike the vampire more than Meghan's shoes ... maybe.
I can already barely watch Big Swayze and his insane nervous sandwich ... and then Jackie requests a pinky swear. And Brad grants her request.
When what's-her-name rolled down the window and "beckoned" Brad over, I wondered how no other girl had done that before. Then I realized how lame it is.
Is it possible J (the birthday girl) is a normal, cool, non-weird, non-nervous chick?
Keltie's teeth weird me out. And she's on the season with the vampire.
Strapless dress adjustment count during Brad's opening speech: 3.
Brad ends his speech with the phrase "Collective Toast." Aren't they playing night 2 at Coachella?
If this "have you changed" montage is any indication, I'm not surprised that the first bachelor/bachelorette nights typically approach sunrise before they're done. Brad hasn't said "walls" in long time though so he's got that going for him.
Ashley S drops about 1.5 "like's" per sentence.
"2 weird things about me. 1) I'm a 'man-scaper' and 2) there's an 'i' in my name." -Raichel
Jackie, no. No singing, Jackie. No. Not. Nil. No.
Another thing I can't believe hasn't happened in the previous 14 seasons ... the "Can I steal you?" show down. Well played, Alli, Renee and that other girl.
"It's better to be home alone than to be home and wish you were alone." I think Emily just said something actually a little profound. No way she learned that from Ricky Bobby.
This is why they re-cast Brad: "the girl has fangs."
Chris just rang the wine glass buzzer. Not looking good for my girl, J.
I think Michelle aka Hot Mom aka "I'm a woman, not a little girl" is going a long way on this show.
"The girl has fangs" and a rose ... and just bit Swayze. I'm confused more than anything.
The man-scaper, Brad? Really?
Keltie gets a rose too? Brad has a thing for weird teeth - both vampire and normal human.
"Brad. Ladies. The majority of you have admitted to watching the show and Brad's already been on the damn show before. It's never been more apparent that you all know what I'm about to say ... so really what's the point?"
Shakey O gets the final rose. Lesson learned: slapping pays, ladies!!
Oh, J. I knew so little of you. Not even an exit interview. May you live on in normal, non-weirdness in my mind.

The best 3 words in television ... "this season on." The first season ever with no helicopter rides!! Just kidding. I counted at least 3. PS my prediction about Hot Mom is looking good ... black eye and all. And it looks like we learn that vampires don't actually cry tears of blood. Finally the truth! And Seal! Seal caps off "the most controversial season of The Bachelor ever." We're back, baby.

Baby Harrison from Dexter = Baby Toby from Labyrinth

2010-12-31T11:15:00.003-07:00

I think Toby from Labyrinth built a time machine and transported himself into the future to make even more money as a baby. Or maybe Harrison from Dexter went back in time.

Either way they're the same person.

Baby Toby from Labyrinth

Baby Harrison from Dexter

Someone tell Doc Brown "we did it!"

The Mad Men Problem

2010-08-28T15:14:00.007-07:00

I get it. Mad Men is a wonderful program. Draper, Campbell and crew have really outdone themselves. Peggy represents all working women. Sterling is as charming as a cheating SOB can be and Cooper is everyone's favorite super rich weirdo.

Here's the issue: Mad Men is interfering with my enjoyment of other shows.

This is not an issue of "I just can't watch the Jersey Shore any more because it just doesn't stack up against Mad Men." I think it's clear that The Shore and Mad Men are two entirely different animals. If Mad Men is a graceful swan, then The Shore is a disgusting pig that gets shit-faced every night and probably has a couple diseases that it tries to keep under wraps. But there's a time for swans and a time for diseased pigs ... as far as TV shows go.

The issue is that most of my favorite podcasts can't stop f'ing talking about Mad Men. I'm talking to you, Nerdist, Daves of Thunder, Bill Simmons and even Kevin & Bean from time to time. I've skipped near entire podcast episodes from Simmons and I've outright stopped listening to Daves of Thunder due to the never-ending Mad Men "spoiler alerts." Is the show so good that these entertainers can't bother to come up with their own material for the 'casts? I'd like to listen to your shows ... but I can't because you won't shut up with the spoiler alerts.

I'd like to enjoy the show I'm enjoying ... while I'm actually enjoying THAT show. Not some other show. This doesn't seem like a ridiculous request to me.

I don't know who to blame so I'm blaming everyone. Suck it, Mad Men. And suck it, all you entertainers that have to leech off Mad Men's popularity.

No One Doesn't Love To Have Fun

2010-08-28T15:02:00.004-07:00

Another phrase we can all agree to stop saying: "He just loves to have fun." This is a phrase I've often heard people use to describe others and it drives me crazy. At the end of the day (winky frowny face), this may be the most redundant sentence ever. I can actually use science to prove this. Enter proof by contradiction.

Let's imagine for a second that someone hates having fun. In such a case, they would seek out activities that most of us consider not fun: root canals, filing taxes, watching The Tyra Banks Show. So our subject wakes up one day, picks out his desired activities and then jumps into the dentist chair, flips Tyra on the tube and goes to town. In doing so, he's doing what he wants to do and enjoying himself. Ergo, having fun. Unless someone is doing something someone else has forced them to do at all times, they have to choose something to do ... and no one's going to choose something to do that they hate ... and in the process you'll be having fun.

I think we can now officially strike "likes to have fun" from our collective lexicon. It's science.

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Roberto Chris Drama - The Finale

2010-08-08T09:43:00.006-07:00

Somehow I've done it. I've gone an entire week without knowing what happens on the finale. And I heard this shiz had 12 million viewers? Is that for real? People are actually watching this show to find out what happens and not just laugh at Roberto's out of control sweating? Huh. Who knew.

So far so good. I have nothing to say after Roberto's entire montage.
And the same for Chris' montage. It's gonna be a long night. Or a short night. Depending on how you look at it.
I guess I can't complain about the ab / chest focused establishing shots of Ali in her multiple bikinis.
Well if anything, the room that Ali's family got should have them buttered up at least a little bit. Holy shit.
Ali doesn't know the name of the Tampa Bay MLB team? "The Tampa Blue Rays?"
Wait a minute. Ali and Raya are related? Has the adoption question been asked by one of them.
Okay. Ali's mom speaking speaking Spanish ... How do you say "I am cringing" in Spanish?
When you ask for dad's blessing, what you're really hoping to hear is "I don't have a problem with that." That's pretty much the ideal non-negative but certainly not overly positive result.
In case you've forgotten, Roberto can salsa dance. He can also play baseball, speak Spanish and sweat profusely. That much we know for sure.
Onto Chris' date ... a little bit breezier, but Dad's poker face remains strong. Looking forward to his response to Chris' question. Will he downgrade to "That wouldn't be the worst thing in the world" or possibly upgrade to "I would not hate it if you married my daughter."
Ali looks a lot like her mom. A lot.
Apparently the idea of french toast for dinner is drop dead hilarious in the Ali househould. Really way too much laughing at that concept.
So Ali's brother ... or brother in law? I can't tell cuz I don't think he's said a word yet.
Also I really hope that 85% of their conversations revolve around the room they have. They are actually staying in this room. That crap is crazy!
Quote of the night from Ali's dad so far: "It is huge." No context needed.
EXACT same response for Chris: "I would have no problem with that." Ali's dad = poker face.
You know what's more fun than salsa dancing? Swimming off the end of the crazy room they have. Advantage Chris.
Time for some straight talk from Poker Face. Advantage Roberto. Hands down according to Dad. Wild.
And Raya straight talks entirely in favor of Chris. Looks like it's gonna be a grudge match all the way to the end. Or at least that's what the producers would like you to think. One or the other.
Ali just said this and I've always had an issue with anyone who says "likes to have fun." Is there anything that needs to be said less? Are there people out there that DON'T like having fun? Assuming you're into not having fun, wouldn't you then like that and in essence be having fun? Logically speaking, I think not liking to have fun is literally impossible. Oh and Ali and Roberto hung out with sting rays.
The Roberto night time date hasn't even started and he is sweating like mad. Are there no fans at this Hilton?
I got you a present. Looks like it's a picture in a frame at first, but it's actually got a second use.
Well at the end of the Roberto date, it's hard to say anything other than "Advantage Roberto."
The Chris date is starting and I have to ask ... is something happening right now? What's with the sit down, Ali?
Oh boy, Ali's at a loss for words. Not good, Chris. Not good.
This is the most high profile "we're better off as friends" speech ever. Brutal.
Could she at least mope or cry? She cried her eyes out with Frank and now nothing for Chris? Pretty weak sauce there, Ali.
I guess props to Ali ... sorta. At least Chris doesn't have to get on one knee and then get pulled up by his hands. That's always the worst.
So now the real grudge match begins. Chris vs. Kirk vs. Craig R for the next Bachelor.
Little double rainbow all the way for Chris. Now he feels better. Good. I like Chris.
One advantage to this change in format: no ring choosing montage. Cuz that's not total BS every time.
Didn't Roberto get the first impression rose? And now he's got it all wrapped up? What are the chances?
Son of B! Spoke too soon. Stupid ring montage begins now.
Did that mother f'er finally tighten his tie!? F you, Roberto. What are the odds he tightens his tie at the wedding? Answer: slim cuz the wedding likely won't happen. It's just a matter of odds, people. The winners bracket: Trista and Ryan. The losers bracket: every other Bachelor/Bachelorette couple ever. Good luck, Ali and Roberto.
They really shouldn't have made Roberto travel so far after getting dressed up. He spent most of the walk up the stairs wiping sweat from his brow.
Wow he is really really sweating ... a lot. Brow sweat has moved onto lip sweat. Honestly how hot can it be? It looks like there's cloud cover.
Nice job with the product spot on the ring box there, Neil Lane.
Music montage courtesy of the Lion King soundtrack? I miss "On The Wings Of Love" immediately.
Well it's all down hill from here. I doubt you can afford The Hilton Bora Bora on a minor league baseball salary. Congratulations to the happy couple ... for at least the next 4 months or so!

Well it's been real. It's been fun. It hasn't been real fun. Another finale that doesn't outdo the Big Swayze finale. But things are looking up. Bachelor Pad tomorrow, yow!!

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Drama Tellin' All

2010-08-07T21:06:00.002-07:00

Big night here for the blog. We got Dave and Lubs on board for the double feature starting with the guys tell everything they've ever had to tell in their lives about this show and everything else. Or ... The Men Tell All.

Let's start with a crazy loud song that kinda reminded me of The Shout Out Louds
Dude in the audience count: 0 so far.
Ali starts the night off with a black sparkly dress. Silver sparkly dress yet to come.
How did I forget about Bubble's line: "It's just my heart ... jump in. Stay a while."
This interview is actually kind of redeeming for Ali. She actually seems like she had a decent handle on what was going on during the season. I like that she kept Bubble along as long as she did all the while kinda knowing he was crazy.
Blooper reel! Roberto nearly blinds Ali when he pops his cork ... yowza.
Is Ali wearing a giant watch ... or just some sort of bracelet that looks like a watch?
Fair to say that the range of Ali's jokes when it comes to astronauts begins and ends with ... Houston, come in.
Chris H had his own internal nickname? And it was Phantom? No wonder we never ever saw him speak. Come to think of it, is he even eligible for this show seeing as how he can't talk?
Derrick, 2 questions. 1) Who are you? and 2) pew pew pew pew pew right back at you, dude.
I like that Harrison openly pretty much just said "Frank's not here, but we're gonna talk all kinds of shit about him anyone."
Weatherman, the leather jacket ... not working, man.
If I was Harrison, I'd prefer to be surrounded by about 18 more candles than are already there.
All this "let me finish" talk during their confrontation of The Weatherman is giving me wonderful flashbacks to Jake and Vienna's swan song. I'd mail The Weatherman $100 right now if he said "again with the interruption ..."
Okay, I skipped it the first time, but I can't let it go twice. Phantom has said the phrase "self promote himself" multiple times now. Does his newness to talking make him not understand that there's no one else you can self promote other than yourself?
The dudes are sticking up for Frank? Break up or no break up, I stand by the idea that Frank sucks.
The "guard and protect your heart" count or the GAPYHC on this episode alone is already well past double digits.
Bubble's singing makes me physically have to turn away from the television. I literally cannot watch it.
Ali's dismissal of Bubble might be my favorite vote off ever. The sigh and "I'm gonna give Justin the rose" ... it just says so much. It wasn't "Justin, will you accept this rose?" It was "Bubble, I can no longer handle your crazy and I have no choice but to give this rose to the other dude."
Oh! I spotted a due in the audience. I think he's accompanying his daughter. He's wearing a sweater vest.
Kirk, thank you. Thank you for not liking Frank. We should start a club or something.
Most disinterested person on the entire set: the wilderness guy from the first episode that did the fishing thing who has got absolutely zero play tonight.
Well hey, Jessie. Why do I have no recollection of you from your original season? And what is this "social networking" site you're on?
Wow, Craig R loves that Rated Inj has no car. Loves it.
Audience dude #2 sited. He also appears to be quite old and probably being dragged along to this event.
3rd audience dude sited and he is f'ing PUMPED about Ali coming up after the break. I hope he had to answer for that at work the next week.
Yay, Ali's here and she's super sparkly yet again. Woo ... pee.
Her hair looks like a bird's nest.
Didn't Bubble say he's not a singer. I am again forced to physically look away from the television.
Bloops! Wow, these guys weren't all drama all day after all. Except for the jokes about the barking dogs. Those were not funny at all.
Dave, Lubs and I just spent the majority of the Roberto/Chris montage discussing the possibilities of how/if/when/whether Ali's had relations with these dudes. This element of the final 3 or 4 weeks HAS to play in more to the big picture of the actual relationships that these pairs are forming than ABC lets them talk about, right? I mean the thought of the other dude has to pop into the other dude's mind at some point during those dates, right?
Bachelor Pad. Seriously. Seriously. Initial thoughts: Tenley is not cut out for this show. What's her name does NOT look better as a blonde. And I haven't heard Gia's horrible laugh yet so I've again been tricked into being attracted to her.

Somehow the finale still hasn't been spoiled for me so we'll see you for the finale live blog shortly. From the real bachelor pad ... out.

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Tahiti Drama

2010-07-19T19:34:00.004-07:00

The episode that ABC has been teasing since mid-June. Let's see what you've got Frank AKA dude that I'm starting to wonder if the producers paid to keep on the show in order to increase the drama factor. Oh and Tahiti gets a crap load of free advertising. Drama in 3-2-1.

What I like about Frank's establishing shots ... is that it seems like he is bobbing his head to the acoustic guitar riff they have rolling You have to have Ali teach you how to stare longingly out into space.
Frank has 2 roller suitcases? What kind of man is this?
Roberto carries around an actual cd ... with a jewel case ... of the Lion King? Can someone teach him that he can hide all the embarrassing music he wants on an iPod?
Frank not only rocks the longing stare out into the nothing, but then caps it off with the dramatic removal of the glasses. Looks like someone's going to get a rose ... the final rose. Yowwwwwwwwwwww!
Wait, let me try again. This is gonna be sweet ... fantasy suite. Yowwwwwwwwwwwww!
Okay, one more. We might be looking at history here ... Bachelorette history. Yoowwwwwwww! Shoulda stopped at 2? I agree.
Nicole who what? Oh right. The drummed up drama. How could I have forgotten?
How can we drum up drama and stretch this episode? We bump out to Frank doing a voice over while he leaves the hotel. We bump in to Frank STILL doing a voice over while he walks the streets. Can we have him call someone and let the phone ring 7 times too?
Frank, I say this as a guy who severely dislikes you ... shut UP, dude!! Your voice over has made us successfully not care about anything you do or say or feel ever.
So far I'm a huge fan of Nicole ... who has not said a single word since sitting on the couch. I sincerely hope she's getting paid.
Bah, she starts speaking only to reveal the worst news ever ... she likes Frank.
This is the worst conversation ever. Frank is trying to see if he has a spark with Nicole by talking about how great things are with Ali. Good plan, Frank.
The continuity issues with this conversation just sky rocketed to a ridiculous level. Shot 1 ... and jump cut to shot 2.
You're spending the rest of your lives together? Great. You're perfect for each other. I'll buy your honeymoon for you if you would just shut your mouth.
I just looked up from making my drawings above to see the ridiculous shot of Ali coming out of the water throwing her hair back. You do realize I was joking about the Tahiti commercial, right ABC?
Was Roberto sweating profusely from the chest during their ride in that, uh ... what's it called. Those flying devices that have blades that spin around ... there was a black one in an 80s show named after a wolf of some kind ... I'm blanking.
It needs to be said. This lagoon is ridiculous ... in spite of its heart shape that has been mentioned 74 times.
I think it's really hot in Tahiti. Roberto is sweating balls again at dinner.
Roberto has redundant tendencies when he gets nervous as in ... "I want to make sure my feelings are reciprocated back."
From Harrison: "Dear Ali and Roberto, here's a room key. Someone get Roberto a cold shower cuz he is sweating like Shaquille O'Neal right now. PS as should already be apparent, I'm psychic ... how else could I have written this card ahead of time?"
Euphamisms for sex so far: "He made it very clear tonight that he is in this for the long haul." "We get to spend special alone time together tonight."
The Chris date has been rolling for a good 10 minutes now. I have nothing to say. They seem normal together. That's all I've got. Probably helps that they aren't at a beach that is arbitrarily shaped like something representing love.
Are you allowed to just start cracking open clam shells like that? Do you need a permit or something?
It's note-from-Harrison time. "Dear Ali and Chris, try your best to forget that Roberto and Ali cashed in on this card not too long ago. We won't give you same room or anything. It'll be a different room pretty far away from where Ali and Roberto had 'special time' ... so waddayasay?"
I like that Frank packed 2 full bags even though he only came here to break up with Ali. And that he still refers to Nicole as his "ex girlfriend."
Frank is amazing. Harrison: "How do you think Ali's going to take it?" Frank: "I have no idea." I think you have some idea, Frank.
I've got a prediction ... Pain.
I'm happy realizing I will never have such an odd conversation in my whole life as this Frank/Harrison convo is.
Does Frank honestly not know what to do here? Did he expect Harrison to tell him to write a poem for her and it'd all be fine? Or maybe to ride it out until just after the fantasy suite and then let her know?
Ali misses Frank? She's head over heels for him? What in the hell is going on in this world?
"Ali, we need to talk ... and when I say talk, I mean we need to sit down and have the most pregnant pause ever ... so long that it makes you start crying before I even say anything. Wait for it. Wait for it. Nope, still not ready to start talking. Let's ride this silence out a little longer. This is a 2 hour show after all."
If I was Frank, I'd break the ice with "It's so damn hot! Milk was a bad choice."
And now let's both cry and put our heads in our hands and say nothing for 10 seconds. This is what our lives have led us to.
Our first mope moan is accompanied with a dramatic tossing of flip flops. The producers are high fiving just off camera, right?
Kudos to Dave ... how great would it have been if Harrison busted in with the fantasy suite card right before they hugged?
Can someone remind Ali about the two dudes she boned in the last week?
If you're Nicole, do you break up with Frank upon seeing him cry this much over another chick? I hope so ... a lot.
Kudos to the producers for putting Frank's picture in the deliberation room. Man, Ali could really stick it to Roberto or Chris by giving a flower to Frank even when he's not there and is with another chick.
Good news: Harrison also has high hopes that Ali's future husband is still participating in the game and hasn't dumped Ali for an ex girlfriend.
Harrison: "I think we should still have a rose ceremony because ... we have some time to kill. So the guys are arriving soon ... by boat. Just wanted you to know their means of transportation in case that effects your decision. I know that your decision would be totally different if they were arriving by foot. Okay. When you're ready."
Ali: "I'm a little nervous going into this rose ceremony because I have to tell the guys that I'm choosing them by default." (For the record, I typed this bullet before Ali specifically said she wasn't choosing them "by default" ... I'm not happy that she and I used the exact same phrase even if I was joking and she was serious.)
Different country, same BS rose ceremony featuring a semi-weird and not-so-great dress from Ali and casual Friday from the gents.
You know why I like Ali? Cuz she sums up a crazy vague and confusing monologue with "It is what it is." Dis-like.
Up next, we take this show all the way overrrrrrrrr ... to a different part of Tahiti ... and Roberto continues to sweat profusely.

But first, the men tell all ... as if they hadn't been doing that all season ... some in the form of permanent body ink. Good times.

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Drama - Family Style!

2010-07-12T19:26:00.006-07:00

This week, we're back in the good ol' US of A where Kirk shows Ali his dad's basement (not a euphemism), Roberto gives Ali a baseball card, Chris' family seems semi-normal and Frank remains insecure (probably because he lives with his parents).

These establishing shots are so dumb. I couldn't really figure out what "back in the states" meant until I saw Ali actually walking "in the states."
So Roberto lives in Tampa near a school I guess.
Wow, hilarious ... a baseball jersey with a name on it. Let's over-laugh some more.
Judging from his one and only at bat, Roberto really knows how to ground into a double play.
I've had a lot of my own baseball cards that I've shown to girls I've been trying to date ... to no avail. If only those cards had been from said girl's home town, then apparently I would have faired a lot better.
Ali is meeting Roberto's dad Roberto, his mom Olga, his sister Olga and his sister in law Olga. I only lied about one of the previous names.
Roberto (the older one) to Ali: "What are some of your personal goals?" Ali: "Mine?" Roberto: "No, personal goals that aren't yours, you flipping weirdo."
Ali's thought bubble while talking to Old-berto: "This guy likes trophies and baseball and sports, if I say 'team' A LOT, he's that much more likely to like me."
And to finish it off, let's team up all the Robertos and Olgas and dance awkwardly in the living room.
Next up ... welcome to rainy Cape Cod. Judging from Ali's tennis ball toss to Chris' dog, she didn't learn anything from Roberto (either of them).
Ali: "When Chris is feeling comfortable, I'm feeling comfortable ... and vice versa." Not quite sure Ali has the term 'vice versa' all figured out yet.
Huh ... apparently it's a "dennis" bracelet "as seen on The Bachelorette."
I have nothing to say about Chris' family. They're extremely normal and cool and are knocking it out of the park with Ali (or at least she best be seeing it that way).
Fun fact: both of Chris' sisters in law are named Olga. Not really.
Ali's time with Kirk's family is off to a great start. Ali and the step mom just had a really awkward hand-shake-oh-wait-we're-hugging-wait-no-okay-yeah-we're-hugging exchange.
And now for the oh-so-hyped taxidermy awkwardness. Judging from the previews, this is as good as this episode has to offer.
Kirk's dad: "What that is ... is a caribou foot that I put eyes on." Ali: "Well, no shit what else would it be."
Huh. Beyond all the visually aided caribou feet, Ali's dad seems pretty normal and actually offers up some really nice words and good advice to Ali and Kirk. Didn't see that coming.
You know what's not gonna not suck? ABC's The Gates.
What's more awkward than adult braces? Senior citizen braces. Well done, Kirk's mom.
TV #2 is showing the "legends" soft ball game. Marisa Miller just laid down a stronger grounder than Roberto. Other weird note from the legends game: Bo Jackson is still alive. Who knew.
I'll let Kirk sum it up: "I am falling for this girl and ... I have fallen. I fell ... recently for this girl. Me fall. I fallded."
Ah, the L train, Navy Pier, the Cubbies ... there's no place like Tulsa.
Hey Ali, we're going on a boat. It's like a helicopter built for the water.
Ali: "What I like about Frank is that he's at a point where he can get up and go anywhere. And when I say 'get up,' I mean get up from the bed in his room in his parents' house. And when I say 'go anywhere,' I mean move out, get a job and try to become a man. It's kind of perfect for us."
Most confusing line of the show so far: "I think Frank and I are great together."
Great news. Dating In The Dark is back August 9th. So awkward and wonderful.
Bummer. No Olgas in Frank's family.
So I've heard of the "Deep V," but it looks like Frank is wearing the "Deep U?"
Onto the cocktail party where Chris ends his second sit-down interview in a row with the girl crying. Thank goodness Ali didn't try to talk about her dog.
It's announcement time and Roberto's tie is loose, Frank is wearing some kind of weird lapel jacket with jeans and Ali's mope face is on.
My money is on Kirk going bye bye. Probably because of the caribou foot face. That's just something you can't un-see.
It's like that old wive's tale says ... Put on some dress shoes, you get a rose. Well done, Chris.
Kirk responds to rejection with a couple firm head nods, straight talk and a smile. Cold as ice!
Ali responds with moping. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking.
Nothing cures a broken heart like a free trip to Tahiti and awkward laughter. Check and check.

Next week: wow Tahiti is crazy gorgeous. Seriously. Oh and Frank "needs to talk." PS how was there not more footage of Jenny in this episode?

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Secrets

2010-07-05T19:26:00.003-07:00

Heyo! So we're in some tropical location this week, right? Well hot or cold climates, looks like one of Ali's men always has some kind of secret bomb to drop. Let's see what we've got this week. Oh and happy birthday to America (yesterday) and Lubs today. 'Merica!!

If the men weren't all in shorts and flip flops, I'd think this was the same square where they met in Iceland for the awkward poetry hour. Diversity!
Theme of the episode so far: clap it out. No roses! (Clap clap clap.) Lisbon! (Clap clap clap.) Chris Harrison! (Clap clap clap.)
Do the men get notes from the producers to roll with the ambiguous date card clues? Or are their reactions genuine? They haven't realized that every date card follows the formula of possibly sexual innuendo + common figure of speech + loose relation to the actual course of the date?
I don't know if this date is going well or not ... I was too busy picking up one of those Canon cameras over on Amazon.co -- son of a b! They got me with the product spot again! Damn your oh-so-subtle and insanely effective marketing ploys. PS Ali and Roberto have nothing on us.
Next date card ... "Let's find our future in the past." Okay so maybe my formula needs a little work cuz that one seems to just be a random jumble of words.
Ali: "What kind of meals does your mom make?" Roberto: "All that Spanish stuff that I don't know what it's called." So either Roberto's vocabulary is wayyyy limited or his mom doesn't make tacos, burritos, enchiladas, tamales, arroz con pollo or any of the other 10 Spanish entrees I could reel off.
Well I never thought I'd say this, but thank goodness for Jake and Vienna cuz that Roberto date buhhhhhhlewwwwwww.
Frank, Ty and Ali hit the helicopter and actually react like people that have ridden on one 6 or so times in the last couple months. Well done, all.
Now I see when the 2nd date card was so random ... cuz they already used the castle cliche and they're headed to another castle.
Why are we whispering? It's just a deer.
This just in ... a 2-on-1 date is less optimal than a 1-on-1 date. In other ground breaking news, Ali likes yellow, Portugal has a shit-ton of castles and Miss Lippy's car is green.
Next date card: "Once upon a time ..." If I was producing this ep, I probably have gone with "Uh, we ran out of castle allusions, dude. You're going to a castle."
I think Frank just said "I had a job, I went to Europe ... yadda yadda yadda I live with my parents." The man never ceases to amaze. He's got a new crazy card to play every week.
"Would you live in a tree with me? Let's live in a tree." I repeat: I have no idea what Ali sees in Frank.
Onto the Kirk date. Note to the producers: those giant beers aren't helping with continuity.
Most of my fairy tales have giant cell towers too.
You know what's better than this date? This.
The buzz phrases for today are: "serious" and "a lot on my mind."
Date card #4: "Love gets better with age ... and castles ... and helicopters. The Bachelorette!!" Okay maybe it didn't say all of that.
Wow, Chris and the scooter ... someone get this guy a helicopter ride for the sake of his manhood.
Now that Ali's behind the wheel, I'm fairly impressed the producers allowed this one. Could you imagine how badly the rest of the season would go if Ali scraped the crap out of her knees and elbows after a moped crash?
Chris is out. There's no way she boots Roberto, Frank or Kirk over him. And I think she thinks Ty's hotter.
Well it's rose ceremony time and we're 3 for 3: purposefully loosened tie for Roberto, casual Friday for Chris and a statement dress from Ali.
Sign of how boring this episode was/is: they're giving a full 30 minutes to Jake and Vienna. I would take this personally, Ali. If I were you, I'd go into full messy hair / moan mode. Actually, that would be the perfect transition back into some prime time with Jake.
Uh oh, Ty. You did not want Chris to get that rose. Thanks for dressing up at least, buddy.
Tennis bracelet FTW! Nice pull, Chris.
It's the rainiest limo-side goodbye in Bachelorette history.
Wow, the super mope face is back. And the rain certainly isn't helping that hair.
And now, the drama ... "Hi, I'm Chris Harrison. Many people have found love on our show ... well, actually 14 of the 14 bachelors have eventually broken up with the woman they gave their final rose to. And one super stud of the universe didn't give out a rose at all. Man those were the days! We've given you updates when our couples get married and even have children ... well technically both of those updates were about one couple: Trista and Ryan. They're the only couple we've actually produced. But no bother! This Jake and Vienna drama is solid white hot gold, baby!!! Get ready for a bucket-sized helping of awkward sauce."
Most interesting tidbit so far ... Harrison went out to dinner with Jake and Vienna just for kicks? Is this a post-Bachelor tradition? Or do Jake and Harrison have some sort of special bro bond?
So far what I'm hearing is ... Jake is an adult. Vienna is 18 (for all intents and purposes). A relationship not built around whirlwind dates around the world didn't work. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking.
Jake! Bringing it. "Oh yes, baby, I've got text messages."
This is some must-see shit right here. I've never seen such passive aggressive behavior from two people at the same time. I'm worried they're going to create some kind of passive aggressive black hole.
Why did Vienna have a dude in her house that has a cuss word for a last name?
I know what would solve all their issues: a paulie-o-graph test. Woah! Just as I typed it, Vienna said it too. Those pauli-o-graphs solve everything!
Well lookie here. The original bach blogger awakens from her slumber. How say you, Sports Gal?
The bleeps are fantastic. Apparently Harrison watched a Vienna interview on NB-$#*@ ... or the F#$& Network ... or HBO-&*#$
New twist idea on an old classic tune courtesy of Vienna: "I Hate LA."
Amazingly Vienna is coming out this looking less crazy here. I'm easily picturing him talking down to her 90% of the time.
With that said, I fully support throwing GPS units in the back of the SUV and I freaking despise re-measuring furniture.
Co-sign: "We don't ... really care about the dog."
Harrison is so awesome. "How do we move forward? And when I say we, I actually don't mean we at all. I mean you. Probably should have just gone straight to 'you two' from the start there. Classic me -- I mean us -- no, wait, me. Yeah, 'me' is the right one there."
While I agree that she is interrupting you, Jake, you really don't make a good impression by saying "again with the interruption" 16 times over.
The disembodied "stay tuned" from Harrison as the camera points at a pitch black closed door ... might have been the moment of the episode.
Even more hard hitting interview questions from Chris: "What do you make of what just happened? What just happened here?"
I'll leave it to Harrison to sum up: "... but ... it is what it is." Someone sign this guy up for the next 10 seasons!
My summary would have been ... "Both of you seem entirely undateable and I'm guessing hundreds of people just decided not to get engaged based on the last 30 minutes. Thanks to both of you for talking to us -- me -- us ... whatever, somethin'."

Next week, apparently the guy who lives with his parents does not have the most awkward date. That honor goes to Kirk's dad from Wisconsin. He likes taxidermy. And Frank likes being wound way way tight. So tight that he dates other girls to take the edge off. Good times.

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Drama in Turkey

2010-06-28T19:15:00.002-07:00

Well it's time to go to Turkey, get greased up and wrestle and of course find out which one of these weirdos has a girlfriend that would allow him to go on The Bachelorette of all reality shows. It's occurred to me that this season hasn't really been about Ali at all. Each and every story line has been about the dudes. Let's see if Ali can carry the show beyond her ridiculous establishing shots now that Bubble is gone.

"I don't think anything could go wrong at this point." I see what you did there, editing team.
It's never good when when something is brought to Harrison's attention. He bats 1.000 when it comes to bad news being associated with "attention."
This is some gripping TV here. We just watched Harrison check the dial tone, dial all 17 numbers and then listened to the phone ring six (6!) times before Jesse picked up. I was worried about how they were going to stretch this into 2 hours before the ep started. I am no longer worried. Can we at least turn the next phone dialing sequence into a montage of some kind? A phone operation montage.
"Jesse, hey. Chris Harrison. ... I'm good. Well actually I'm not that great. We just burned 30 seconds of air time on executing this call and it is beyond awkward. ... What? Oh yeah, we should probably move onto the reason we called. 2 hours is a LOT of time to kill, ya know!? Okayyyy, here's Ali."
Oh, Rated Injured. How could you do this to me? More importantly, how could you do this to all 9 of the studs on Bubble's arm -- er, on the show that trusted you and stuck up for you? Oh wait.
The non-verbal shots of Harrison are fantastic.
Also does Ali seem almost excited about this? Her tone of voice is way off.
I was joking about actually learning who the girlfriend is and what her motives were/are. WTF is going on? We're talking to Inj's girlfriend? And she's revealing that everything everyone suspected about him is true? This season is beyond weird.
Inj has Ali, a 2-year girlfriend and a 2-month girlfriend. He's Rated R!
I like that Jesse and the girlfriend's footage was shot on a Flip Mino without a tripod.
Hearing all this news: pretty good. Harrison saying "sorry" and then clearing his throat awkwardly: priceless.
Time wasting via network television lesson #2 - hall walking montages kill a good minute and make for a great bump in.
Kiiiiinda into the Valley Girl speech that Ali laid down. Also into how Inj handled it. "Well! I'm boned. Later, y'all!"
Cancel that. Didn't realize he had no plan for what to do when he left the hotel. "Uh. Ah. Damn, this restaurant isn't open yet and apparently there are no side walks in Turkey so looks like I'm gonna have to plow through this shrub and scale this fountain. This is exactly how I figured I'd go out."
I think we already knew this, but there's no way Justin makes it as a wrestler after this. Lying/acting is pretty important in the sports entertainment world. Justin is out on more than just this show.
Ty and Ali are on a date. That is all.
Frank! The last of the crazies. Save us from this horrible date, dude.
I haven't considered writing a comment for 20 minutes. What we have here is 2 semi-normal people on an innocuous and completely unremarkable date. I'm dreaming of phone dialing montages with Harrison.
The guys to Ali in the castle: "Put down your hair." Ali: "It won't reach." This is your bachelorette, America.
This is your first time wrestling covered in olive oil, Chris? I always knew you were a weirdo.
Let's hear it for Craig. The last non-chiseled bachelor standing. And he wins the olive oil wrestling competition to boot. Lawyered.
I know what would allow Frank to cool out and relax coming into this group date. A nice, relaxing, soothing date card. Something along the lines of "Frank, the road to love is BIZARRE. Ali." Most ominous date card ever. Might as well have said "No rose for you."
What just happened? Is Ali and Frank's date over yet? I fell asleep.
I was snapped back to life when they previewed "Bachelor Pad!" Is it August 9th yet?
Ali actually likes Frank? I didn't see that coming.
Roberto wears a necklace over his shirt in his head shot? Hhhhhuh.
I'm meant to believe that it was Ali's idea to go straight to the rose ceremony? Anah. Anah, producers!
"Gentlemen, I know you were surprised there was no cocktail party. Chris from Cape Cod, I know you were surprised to find out your street shoes look stupid with that suit. I've had enough. I've had enough of this casual Friday routing on elimination night! Is nothing sacred any more!?" How much would I kill to have Harrison spice things up right about now?
Uh, later Craig. You can't hypo love I guess, dude. (Little joke for all the 1L's out there.)

Thank the lord for "this season on The Bachelorette" redux cuz this episode was abismal. My hope is that Frank has a girlfriend. And it's the same girl that Justin was 2-timing Jessica with.

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Drama in Iceland!

2010-06-21T19:22:00.003-07:00

As Bjork would say ... Greetings, Narlax. Repeat after me, everyone: vörður og vernda hjarta sér. Yeah, that's right. That says "guard and protect her heart" in Icelandic. The Bachelorette Blog is good for one thing if nothing else: cold hard knowledge, people. Now let's all watch Bubble Throat be a man ... be a man for that woman.

Remember that kids game? Don't step on the floor - the floor is lava. Iceland is where that game is real. The lava is lava.
You know what's hilarious? When Harrison says "love poem." You all have the worst nervous laughs ever.
Guess which guy in this crew wears fingerless gloves? Bubble, that's who. Purple ones.
Extra credit for Icelandic words? Just point them to this blog and it'd be in the bag.
Either I just blacked out or Chris N actually said words out loud that were captured on film, edited into a piece and then aired on ABC.
Over/under on number of times Bubble says "heart" on this episode: 51.5. I would count, but it would honestly annoy me too much.
How far away did Ali run from during her intro to the love poem segment? She rocked a full speech before arriving.
Body language from everyone involved in this segment: colder than sasquatch balls.
Hey Chris N, probably shoulda kept that speechless streak going there, duder.
What episode are we on? How does it always take 5 contestants before someone realizes they should interact with Ali during the competitive bits? Ya know, rather than standing 15 feet away from her and squinting/freezing/forgetting your lines.
Hey Ali, don't say what I just said about approaching you during competitions.
Ok, Kirk, you seem to be the only normal dude here. I'm actually kinda curious/interested in how this date goes.
Same outfit, huh? Well here's to being in the moment. Cuz out of the moment, y'all look goofy.
Kirk hasn't dated someone for more than a year ... and neither have I. Maybe I'll learn something later in the date the same time Ali does ... besides what I've already learned: don't wear the same outfit on a date that's being taped and televised.
Group date announcement time. 1) Chris L said "numero uno" when he said Roberto's name first. I see what you did there. 2) Inj vs. Bubble? This is like Kobe vs. Lebron. 1st team all outcast vs. 1st team all (heart) defense.
Time to bitch about commercials: did the guy doing the voice-over promos for Wipeout win a contestant for most annoying voice?
I was only half paying attention during Kirk's dinner, but I'm pretty sure it played out exactly like an episode of House. Introduction to character -> explanation of symptoms -> multiple failed attempts at diagnoses and treatments -> turns out it's something ridiculously simple based on the character's environment -> almost instantly cured.
Bubble's deep-seeded belief in his tattoo didn't even last a full episode. He's already regretting it. Awesome. Way to stick to your guns, Bubble.
Did anyone notice the throw away line where he said he likes physical pain? Really killing it with those rose choices, Ali.
If I were a betting man and we could put Ali on a lie detector, I would bet on the fact that Ali is really not having a good time in Iceland. Her face while waiting for the guys holding 5 horses on a glacier ... well the term overjoyed didn't come to mind.
"First horseback riding, now we're going into a cave. What's next, playing with snakes?" Yep, Chris L, that's what's next. A little snake play. Huge snake population in fugging Iceland!
Inj vs. Bubble grows even more epic. Now that Inj's crutch walk has been out done with the heart guard tattoo, it's time for him to venture out and do something sneaky. This is why this match up is so crazy. It's not enough that they're the first two guys to actively do things during non-dates to get an edge ... Inj has now done so twice in a season!
I'm pretty sure throwing away those crutches was a waste. I could be wrong but I'm guessing those things are pretty easily reused by the next injured person. Hopefully Ali's not into recycling.
Sorry, just had to take a major break. It was taking all I had not to finally dive into the new iPhone software and folder-ize all my $#!*. I feel better.
Blue lagoon segment ... I'll give it up. Ali did her homework.
I know this show is now a national treasure and a world wide success, but the group dates at this stage in the season remain a little creepy. Bunch of dudes waiting around to have their time to make out with Ali.
Frank, you're losing ground, you've got Ali in a bath robe alone and she's clearly suuuuuuuper tipsy. Eyes on the prize, dude. Aaaaaaand you didn't even make a move? Choke city, man.
We're back in the hot tub and Ali is nothing short of trashed. Good times.
Better times - Days of Our Lives maintains his vow of silence since the love poem segment. Good call, Chris N.
Ali is approaching "I'm fine" drunk. That drunk where if you ask the person a simple question or even just let the silence hang for a second, they're sure to blurt out "I'm fine." at least 2 or 3 times in a row. I'm ... I'm fine. I'm fine.
Commercial commentary: this rookie cop show is gonna suck. If you want to go throwback, check out The Shield or The Wire for a good cop show. Something current - Southland.
I think Bubble just wished for Ali to say "Kick rocks, dude." Can we talk to Harrison about reversing the entire rose process so she says "kick rocks" to everyone she wants to boot instead of giving out roses to those she wants to keep? "Gentlemen ... Ali ... this is the final rock tonite. Kick it when you're ready."
There are too many Bubble quotes for me to keep up with. "The wrestler would probably break his other leg to get a rose." And that's worse than getting a tattoo for a rose how?
"I mean what I say ... and when I say I mean what I say ... well, I'm proving that I would do anything including tattooing my body and go through any amount of pain to find love here with Ali." Except for breaking my leg. That kind of pain is not a good pain. It's a pain that says "kick rocks, Ali. I'm here for me. I'm here to put on a show." Tattoos on the other hand ... totally sensible, level headed, perfect-foundation-for-the-start-of-a-long-healthy-relationship pain. My logic is flawless. I am Bubble Throat.
More gold sandwiched by the shots of Bubble sitting alone in the snow and coughing pathetically: "I'm just gonna be myself and I'm gonna have fun and I'm gonna do what I do best and that's just be myself and just be who I am." Score it at home. That's 3 "I'm's" and 3 "gonna's" all strung together with 4 "and's" and finished with "be who I am." He's nothing if not well spoken. And he didn't even mention "heart" once.
The best foreboding in any reality show ever is finally executed. "The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal." Let's get him to plug the oil leak while we're at it. Topical!!
Ali's smile after Bubble's explanation of the tat: "I am going to smile and say whatever I need to say to get the hell out of here without being kidnapped."
You know what people say a lot and really fervently when they're not nervous and very confident with an interaction they just had with a chick? "Exactly!"
You know how you know you're crazy? When the Bachelorette tells you that you're not getting the rose rather than giving the other guy the rose ... "I'm gonna give Justin the rose."
This is all just too easy. "I just don't know where I went wrong," says Bubble as a helicopter lifts off with the woman he's meant to be a man for with his arch enemy "The Wrestler."
Nice job by Injured playing his douche card at the end. "2 roses. 1 to Justin and 1 to Rated R!"
Onto the cocktail party ... if Ali kisses Frank and then doesn't give him a rose, all time pantheon moves.
Ali: "Chris N, if I were to ask you one thing that I don't know about you that would surprise me ..." Chris N: "That I have vocal chords."
Again Kirk nails the behind the scenes comedy: "brunch once a year."
This just in: Days of Our Lives is a mute AND totally delusional. I've never seen someone more likely to get the boot. Kick rocks, Chris N.
I was jerked away from ignoring the Harrison / Ali interview by the silence filled with his ridiculous look and ever so slight head nodding while waiting for Ali's response. You're a weird guy, Harrison.
My money is on the following rock-kicker: Chris N no question. But Craig would be out too if she was booting two. (Fun with homonyms.)
Aaaaaand the final 2 men without roses confirm my premonition.
Bingo. And would you believe it? No exit interview. Just a walk to the car.
Oh wait, he blows his season long word count out of the water in the limo expressing feelings I didn't know a guy who wasn't even on the show could have.
Did Ali just say "supposably?" Uggggh.

We'll see you in Turkey next week, sports fans. And we find out if it's Roberto or Kirk that has a girlfriend back home. You really know how to pick 'em, Ali.

iPhone 4 ordering process

2010-06-15T11:21:00.002-07:00

This about sums up the iPhone 4 ordering process so far.

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Drama - Episode 4

2010-06-14T19:52:00.004-07:00

First things first. Zach reminded me that Bubble Throat has a second great nick name. Wocka as in ... wocka wocka! (Side note: what are the chances!) Onto another 2 hours of men not acting like men ... in New York!

How early does Harrison wake these guys up? Cuz some of them look like death. There's no way it's earlier than 10am ... which confirms that these guys should be enjoying sleeping in every day, working out and then maybe going on a date or staying home and drinking beer and bbq'ing. What are they doing instead? Taking every chance they can to start shit.
I just ran back the close up shot of the tattoo knuckle guy working the hair dryer three times. Was I supposed to take something from that? Is this an episode of Lost?
Wocka's lame double peace sign for the Flip camera reminded me of this. His ideal first date involves horseback riding and a yacht? F this guy. Also I think we should take note of that tattoo count for later.
Now that he's on the one-on-one date ... Bubble Throat is too good of a nick name. It's just so damn descriptive.
"I turn around and there's a helicopter blowing on my face. I'm like 'Oh no. Are you serious?'" Yes, Bubble! Yes, we're serious!! It's the fracking Bachelorette! The franchise has averaged 1.78 helicopter rides per episode since the late 90s! You're more likely to go on a helicopter ride than get kicked off the show at this point in the season! Bah, I dislike him so much.
... and then he sang. Bubble serenade really might have been the most awkward moment in Bachelorette history. Are you with me, Harrison!?
Cape Code Chris was right: unicorn love. So accurate.
Even Frank is beating up on Rated Injured? What a weird universe this show depicts.
Ali asks "So how is this different from your other relationships?" "Hmmmm, well I'm dating you competition-style against 8 or so other dudes, a date that doesn't involve a helicopter ride is considered "weird," we're alone in a museum at night running around with flash lights, oh and there's TV cameras and lighting everywhere ... what else what else what else? Oh yeah, and you're Ali."
Bubble Serenade 2: Awkward Boogaloo. Ali actually scores some points with me with her face that says "I'm going to listen to you, but I'm going to try to telepathically tell you that this is horrible and I can hardly keep from forcefully stopping you."
Onto the group date ... So these guys are tripping over each other running up stairs to get a part in the Lion King musical and the wrestler is the weird one? I don't understand. There is no understanding.
Just when Bubble's serenades couldn't get any worse, this date actually demands that every dude sing to her. It's like the awkward olympics.
Unflattering defined: Ali's ass in a Lion King wire work outfit.
ABC doesn't even get the losers/winners (I'm fine with either description in this scenario) seats in the theater? They're watching it on closed circuit TV? What kind of low Lion King production is this? (Get it? Cuz I should have said 'low rent' but I said 'low Lion King?' Rent? Cuz that's a Broadway play too! HAHAHAHAHAHALOLOLOHAHAHAROFLROFL--not funny.)
Let's really document history here, Harrison. Tiny Weatherman was just the victim of the first ever rejection to "Can I steal ____ away for a second?" I honestly can't remember such a thing occurring.
Hey, Tiny Weatherman. What does it mean when Ali chooses Kirk to take her up her room and not you? It means we have a high pressure system moving in from the East and what it's gonna do is it's gonna push out all these gloomy skies we've been seeing right on outta here. And when I say "gloomy skies," I mean the guys on this show that are wound way too tight. And when I say "guys on the show wound too tight," I mean "guys on the show that are also weathermen." Get the hint, dude.
Tiny Weatherman asks "Where's Bubble?" Anyone check to see if he's crutching his way up Mulholland drive? Call-back!
Bubble getting a tattoo to make Ali open up to him is as good of an idea as a couple getting pregnant to "save the relationship."
Hey Bubble, this is you and this is the edge. You're over it. (I spent C-Cubed's entire date working that up and I'm fine with that.)
Dave wins the Josh Radin joke opportunity with this one: "How great would it be if it was Bare Naked Ladies again?"
Fine. I'll say it. I'm gonna see Knight and Day ... and there's a very decent chance I'm going to like it a lot. Tom Cruise's insanity makes him better. Does no one else see this?
Onto the cocktail party ... The open hate for Rated Injured remains impressive.
"Those roses mean a lot to me. They carry a lot of weight." Really, Ali? Really?
I tried. I really tried to find something hatable about Kirk. After serious deliberation, I think he might actually be a normal, decent dude.
I'm serious. Who is this guy? Has he been on the show the whole time?
Okay, seriously. This tattoo is the biggest mistake ever on this show, right? Imagine Bubble on date #1 with another girl down the line. She asks for the story behind the tattoo. There is no answer that gets him to date #2.
Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, Frank makes fun of Bubble to his face and he thinks everyone loves the tattoo. GREAT times. Frank (!) is making fun of you, dude. Not good.
"You're gonna be the tattooed Bachelorette guy for the rest of your life." Cape Cod Chris, everybody!
The new guy (Chris N. apparently) couldn't even move or react. That's how insane this tattoo is. Worth replaying at home if it's still on your TiVo. PS Are we sure Chris N wasn't taken off the set of Days of Our Lives and inserted on the show mid season?
Apparently sick Ali likes to show some skin. This is her most revealing dress to date, no?
Ali's favorite candy is Sour Patch Kids? I have to admit. I didn't see that coming.
Frank!!!!! What are you doing!!!??!?!?! (You all know what I'm talking about.)
Holy crap, I just realized Ali's dress isn't a dress. It's some sort of weird back-less one-zee. Her weird cocktail outfit streak lives on!
I'm still flabbergasted from Frank's interruption. She's not going to see the tattoo before handing out the roses. I am so rooting for Bubble getting a rose now.
Days of Our Lives gets a rose and I honestly can't remember him interacting with Ali in any way ... or even talking for that matter.
Inj is in again! (And pushes Tiny Weatherman one step closer to full on melt down.)
This honestly might be the most I've ever been interested in a final rose.
YES! This is so amazing! Amazing! She picked the guy with the heart guard tattoo!!! And she doesn't even know!!! Oh this is so great. I just exclaimed multiple times. Dave is a witness. I'm honestly sad that I didn't pause the DVR and tape my reaction. I've never wished for something Bachelor related so much ... all my dreams.
Forecast for the Tiny Weatherman: partly teary with a 90% chance of self pity and depression.
Okay, enough of you, Tiny. Let's get back to a season that just totally redeemed itself. Frank is my new hero. Bless you, Frank.
Oh wait, Ali just said "I thought I'd put you guys on ice and take you to Iceland." Nevermind. Worst season ever.
No one can say Iceland without me linking to the greatest thing Iceland has ever produced: Kristen Wiig's impression of Bjork.

Next week: the season that went from horrific to one of the best seasons ever in the course of 20 minutes sees if the impossible can become possible. In Ali's words ... "The only thing [Bubble] has to do is be normal." Good luck with that one, Ali!!!!

Amazing!

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Drama - Episode 3

2010-06-08T19:03:00.006-07:00

By popular demand (aka Ando, Tim and Ella), here we are. I'm just gonna start with episode 3 as far as the blog goes.

Episode 1 - I watched with my family in Hawaii. It was fun to actually speak my snark aloud to people in the room for a change. I remember imagining how ridiculous filming all of Ali's lead in package footage must have been, skipping the Harrison/Ali sit down interview and thinking that was a great decision, the wrestler guy (aka Rated Injured) and being annoyed with how the wet driveway destroyed Ali's dress (just like it did Jillian's). But mostly I remember this:

I'm pretty sure Ali spent 50% of the episode holding hands with these dudes in this fashion. Also known as the most awkward way to carry on a conversation imagineable. This trend and her general mood of "freak out!" quickly let me know that the streak of me not liking the main player in a Bachelor/Bachelorette season is running strong.

Looking at this week's upcoming scenes, we seem to be in store for a helicopter ride (shocker), the most incredible sell out ever (by a band I never "got" and now certainly never will) and ... man drama. On that subject, I'm with Ando: "The man drama on The Bachelorette is out of control. And, frankly, a bit shameful. What happened to doing keg stands and eating dog food?"

Onto this week's episode and even more man drama!

Craig R loves two things: helicopter rides (that he's not on) and deep Vs!
The audio they pipe through these helicopter head sets is top notch. Kudos to the sound team at ABC. Can we get some more static in the monitors?
Just when I couldn't hate the tight wire thing any more, Ali resumes the pose (see photo above).
How many different confessionals did Ali do about this date? Judging from the outfits, I count 4 so far.
I'm sorry, but I could never be as cheesy as Roberto. I'm out, casting director. I disqualify myself.
I think as a society, we can stop qualifying the phrase "you surprised me" with "in a good way!" No one has ever said "you surprised me! ... in the most negative way you can possibly imagine."
Onto the group date ... what's that, Ali? You've got a surprise for us? Is it in a good way? Is the surprise that there's no helicopter ride? Cuz that actually would be a little mind blowing.
Hey Frank, shut up about the BNL song and its relevancy to the situation you're all in. Seriously do they get a bonus each time their BS comment from confessional makes it onto the show?
My first chuckle of the episode comes courtesy Tiny Weatherman and his crazy high stress level regarding his role in the video. Big fan of this guy maintaining this freak out.
Why do all these scenes have lines of dialogue? What kind of weird music video is this? Shouldn't the song be playing over the scene?
Tiny Weatherman is crying? What the hell is going on with this season? Also, while we're here, worst music video ever, right? Has to be.
Look I'm not saying I'm looking closely at this, but the cumulative body fat percentage of these dudes is like 17%, right? Cumulative. Here's my guess for the casting call for this season. Wanted: guys who work out constantly, love saying cliches into a camera and are highly suspicious of other dudes' "reasons"
Onto the roof top ... if I haven't said it already, Tiny Weatherman bugs.
Can I make a request? Can we have a clock in the lower right corner that shows how long each dude gives the other dude before he plays the "Can I steal Ali away?" card? How informative would that be?
Roof top hot tubbing? I immediately miss Roslyn.
Aw, Rated Injured ... no pool time for you. If you were really hard core, you'd bust that cast on the post and Super Fly Snuka into that pool.
Confirmed. Worst music video ever. Thanks for removing any doubt.
That security guard that told Rated Injured where Ali lives ... he got fired right? Can you just tell the cast members where she lives?
Rated Injured just reeled off his second "at the end of the day" of the episode. Please just stop.
Onto the home date ... no up front license plate on Ali's car ... I'm surprised Santa Monica police didn't drop her a ticket. (That one was for Carolla.)
Thank goodness for Lakers/Celtics on TV #2 because this date is beyond awkward.
Make it 3 "end of the day's" for Rated Injured.
Just so I know ahead of time that I'm going to hell, can someone tell me if Kasey is/was deaf. Cuz if not, I'm calling him Bubble Throat.
If you're a dude, here's a sign a date is going badly ... girl drops multiple thank you's, I appreciate it's, etc. She's saying that to help her feel better about rejecting you later.
And I wrote that last bullet BEFORE Ali said "Thank you for being so great." Unreal, Ali. Honestly "Please leave my house now" would have been less embarrassing.
Kirk says Rated Injured doesn't need to gloat? Incorrect. He's a wrestler. Gloating is literally a job requirement.
Before it happens, I'll ask ... the dudes hate Rated Injured because they don't think he's in it for the right reasons, right? So how does his walk to Ali's house make them more angry about his intentions? Seems like that's the opposite of the Roslyn-type maneuvers he could be trying to pull which would certainly say "wrong reasons."
Wipeout. Seriously. Wipeout.
Back to Injured ... Why does he feel the need to keep his visit a secret? Is it entirely so he can smirk at the camera and make vague references to "one on one" time during convos with the other guys?
Frank's gonna pop. He's this season's Michelle. He's this season's Hillary.
Nothing lets people know you're getting pissed like saying "aboot." Probably also isn't helping Injured's wrestling career. (See note above regarding gloating.)
Good call, Ty. It is like "Mr. Jekyll ... and Hyde." Might want to think those analogies out ahead of time, Ty.
Direct quote from Ty: "This is my only question ... The person that I see every day walking around this house isn't the same person that she sees." GREAT question, Ty. I had never considered that question.
Suddenly Injured is looking like this season's Vienna.
I've already tired of typing "Rated." I look forward to when I shorten it to "Inj."
I like that Frank looks like he's studying for The Bachelorette written exam at all times. Remember the most common multiple choice answer is C, Frank.
Roberto: "Justin walked over to her house yesterday ... in crutches." Kasey: "How is that possible?" Did you miss the part about the crutches, Kasey? Not quite sure how else he would have walked over there.
This whole scene is one of the oddest things ever. I'd like to repeat my argument. How exactly does walking miles on crutches make the dude less in it for Ali? And more importantly what are these chicks' -- er, dudes' deal? How about we stop gossiping and do a keg stand or play some XBox or write a blog about the Bachelorette? Ya know ... something that men actually do?
Just noticed ... is Ali wearing a tan drape as a dress? Someone check the windows at Ali's house. I nominate Inj.
Jesse's non-verbal response to Ali's comment about his "jean get up" ... maybe the moment of the season so far.
Did Ali win a state championship in college? That is a giant f'ing ring.
Tiny Weatherman is officially the worst. He and Frank should date.
Booyah. Inj is in! Even though I'm weirded out by him crying alone by the pool, I'm pullin' for Inj.
PS I understand that Wes paved the way to play the "intentions" card, but here's the difference. Ladies enjoy the Bachelorette. Ladies also enjoy country music. You know what ladies don't like? Entertainment wrestling. I really don't think Injured figured he was gonna score a bunch of fans on the Bachelorette and then they'd all switch over to TNA immediately after. I will say this though. He scored one. He scored one.

Next week, a bunch of dudes' odd obsession with a never-will-be wrestler spans the globe ... on The Bachelorette! And apparently Bubble Throat is a cutter? Weirdest season ever. You don't even need to say it, Harrison.

Luke's iPad Review Plus Some Tips

2010-05-09T16:24:00.010-07:00

Well I've had my iPad for about a month and my predictions regarding what it was and how I'd use it were pretty accurate: as far as media consumption goes, the iPad is a ridiculously capable and beautiful toy. I say toy because I tend to use it for fun. If anyone out there is using it efficiently for work or non-fun things, more power to them.

Some of the notable pros

Being able to switch orientations at any time (especially when just browsing apps) is a feature that I now find myself longing for on the iPhone. Some sites have griped about how the vertical orientation has 4 apps per row while the horizontal has 5 apps per row which apparently completely befuddles people as to how/where to find their apps. Uh, here's a tip: if it's not on the row you're looking at, it's either one row up or one row down.
Orientation lock is also fantastic and something else that is hopefully coming soon to the iPhone.
The battery life is incredible. 10 hours of heavy usage is legit. I have push notifications turned on for just about everything, use the iPad as my primary iPod during work and still only have to charge once every 2 days usually.
The native apps are great - Mail, Contacts, YouTube and Calendar is probably my favorite. Since it has "List" view with the big screen, it might actually be the best iCal app that Apple has put out. List view on the iPhone is nice, but small. List view on iCal on the Mac doesn't exist.

Some of the notable cons

I haven't really figured out the keyboard yet. I took to the iPhone keyboard like a duck to water. The two-thumb "just type and trust that the iPhone will figure it out" technique works great for me. The two thumb technique isn't really an option on the iPad since the screen is so big. Trying to do a full qwerty set up with both hands ... I haven't found the groove.
You really do need something to set this thing on. Holding it with one hand while using it with the other for an extended period of time just isn't comfortable. I guess all this means is that this thing isn't quite yet the Star Trek communicator.
I haven't acclimated to the $10+ price point on certain apps yet. I guess the semi-standard $1 price tag on iPhone apps has me pulling a Scrooge here, but so far I haven't bought an app that cost more than $5.

In Summary

It's a gorgeous toy. As far as consuming email, websites, social media, video, audio, it's as good as it gets.

Content creation is not as outstanding, but obviously still doable. The keyboard is quite usable and a bluetooth connected keyboard clears up that issue. Still a laptop or desktop has it beat when it comes to composing big documents, spreadsheets, etc.

I didn't get the 3G because my primary usage will be at work, home, airports ... all of which have wifi these days. Plus the 3G is $30/month. And my iPhone already has 3G so i'll use my iPhone when I really need data and I'm not near a wireless.

In short, this is one of the best unnecessary toys I've ever purchased. When it comes to sitting on the couch and goofing around on the web, the iPad is the best "laptop" ever.

Notable Apps

This is my home page.

Native apps of Calendar, Contacts, Photos, Maps, Videos, YouTube and the iTunes/App Stores are fantastic. The origami slide show is exceptionally pretty and fun to use. You can see it in the first couple seconds of this video.
Evernote is on all my devices - all my Macs, PCs and my iPhone (both work and home). I use it for taking notes, keeping extra copies of receipts and keeping To Do lists.
I use YouTube on the iPad more than I use it on my computer. The layout and flow is fantastic.
Yahoo Entertainment is now my go-to TV guide.
Netflix and ABC are great for watching stuff when you're on WiFi.
USA Today, Instapaper Pro (one of the afore-mentioned $5 apps I bought), NewsRack (another $5 gone) and Stumble Upon make for great reading material. Instapaper Pro allows me to save articles to read later when I'm not connected to WiFi. NewsRack is the best RSS reader I've found so far.
Twitterific is the free Twitter client I'm using until Tweetie comes out with something for the iPad.
And then my home screen games: Words HD, We Rule, Godfinger. All fun online games that you can check in on for 5 minutes or 60 minutes at a time.
My username is johnsonl33 pretty much across with board if you want to play Words with me or be my friend on We Rule or Godfinger.
One thing I'll see is that I think the iPod app actually has a ton of room for improvement (pending a future blog post or a call from Steve Jobs).

And onto my 2nd page.

More fun reading apps: SkyGrid, Zinio Magazine Reader, New York Times Editors' Choice.
NBA Courtside is a great companion while watching NBA playoff games.
The Marvel app is so well done that I read my first comic in 15 years recently and plan to read more.
Plenty of reading options - iBooks and Kindle are pretty much the same - no crazy stand outs that I can see that one has over the other. Stanza is the carry over from the iPhone that has all the books I've downloaded from drinkmalk.com. I need to take the time to switch them over to iBooks for an iPad-optimized reading experience.
GoodReader is a great tool that allows for storing, organizing and viewing of files you receive via the web - PDFs, images, etc.
Some carry overs from the iPhone: WootWatch, Zenbe Lists for GTD, Bookworm, Streak For The Cash, ESPN Scorecenter, Remote and Drop7. All these apps proved good enough that I still use them even though they're not iPad optimized.
Again I can't say enough about Drop7 - possibly the best iPhone/iPad game I've come across yet.
And then we have some iPad optimized games: Pinball HD, SpaceStation, Sudoku and Implode! All pretty and very fun - Pinball being the real winner of the bunch. What a gorgeous and well executed game. I can understand why it's been in the App Store top 5 since its release.

Tips and Accessories

Wallpapers - As gorgeous as the default wallpaper for the iPad is, there's plenty more great backgrounds to be found at interfacelift.com already sized for the iPad.
Also I've cut and cropped a few of my favorite carry overs from the past years that haven't yet been cropped by the original authors. Check out my collection here.

Accessories - As you can see in my pics at the top of the post, I picked up this little gem for my iPad stand - the Fellowes Study Stand. I actually picked up 2 since they're only $5 each - one for my desk, oen for the coffee table. No need for a $30 iPad dock. Just grab one of these. And they fold up so you can take one with you.
And I also found this little guy collecting dust in my company's supply closet - a slightly nicer option for a couple extra bucks. You can find them at Office Depot.
For travel, I had to bite the bullet and pick up a case. I got this one. It comes a portable/foldable stand that works great on trays on planes. Worth the $40 (I guess).
I use my static free cloth that came with my iMac to wipe down the screen every now and then. The screen does a good job of "shining through" the finger prints, but it's still nice to have something to wipe it down every so often.

In the words of Ferris Bueller, "if you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up."

Kaitlyn and Eric's Wedding

2010-05-02T21:06:00.003-07:00

Kaitlyn and Eric's wedding featuring Thank God I Miss You by Ben Rector and then the greatest wedding song of all time - Footloose!

Sorry for the mushy start.

Another Day, Another T-Shirt

2010-05-02T20:50:00.004-07:00

"What t-shirt am I gonna wear? Can't decide! Brain anneurism!"

-Tenacious D

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Awkward Proposals

2010-03-01T18:58:00.002-07:00

Well, here we are. Another season almost in the bag. And all we need to do is stomach our way through 2 hours of awkward interaction with the family that raised what grew to be Jake. Oh yeah ... and helicopter arrivals for the big decision. Aviation.

Jake goes with "so in love" for both of the ladies? WTF, Jake.
"My family just shut down their lives to come out here and help me." The whole St. Lucia thing probably didn't hurt, dude.
"Both laugh at my stupid jokes," says Jake. Mom's reaction: "Wow." So far I love Mom.
LOVE Mom. "Is she the girl everybody hated?"
First commercial break. I'll agree with Ando's logic that he's gonna pick Vienna due to a) lack of previous marriage baggage, b) the Hooters girl factor (aka rocked Jake in the bedroom) and c) the fact that she has nothing going on besides being in love with Jake.
Tenley, cool it on the mmhmm's, yeah's and uh huh's with Jake's mom. Just let her ask the damn question.
You know what Tenley's good at? Conversing while crying.
I'm pretty sure this all means that Vienna's time with the fam is going to be a fracking train wreck.
"You need to tell her how goofy you get," says Mom to Jake. Yeah, tell her, but whatever you do, don't show her.
Chances of Jake coming up with the idea of jumping in the pool himself? What number is lower than 0%?
The train wreck is off to a ridiculously fast start. Vienna is like a train wreck engineer. Every move she makes brings this date to a new disastrous level.
Okay. Every girl on The Bachelor and every girl in Jake's family and every girl I know can't all be wrong. Vienna is like rabies for women. Within 20 minutes, every girl in earshot is approaching foaming at the mouth rage.
The female in-laws talking to Vienna: "You and Tenley are so different. Like night and day different. Like you're the day ... and like ... I'm a vampire. Like Jake chooses you and I'll burst into flames and die." Not verbatim, but I think the conversation went something like that.
What just happened? Mom changed her mind and one of the in-laws is crying for judging Vienna? Did I black out over the last 5 minutes? I have no idea how Vienna turned the tide. Seriously.
So Jake opens the Vienna date with "how do you feel about sulphur?" If I were to ask a girl this question at the beginning of a date in an alternative universe, here's the descending list of answers I'd most like to hear. A) "Uh. What? You're weird." B) "I hate sulphur." C) "I LOVE sulphur!!"
It'd be a lot more fun if these 2 were using this mud to hide from the predator. In fact just about anything would be better than this date.
Vienna was married for 3 days? When/how did I miss out on this fun fact?
If nothing else, the bachelor is a vehicle for people to say every cliche they've ever heard out loud and feel like they actually mean them.
No one has ever said "Tomorrow, one of these girls is going to be my fiance" with a frown on their face ... until Jake.
"You captivated me deeper than I've ever been," says Jake about Tenley. I don't even know what that means. I think it's a compliment, but I'm not sure.
My new greatest hope for the finale is that Jake proposes to Tenley and then she says no. Please please please please please.
Grey's Anatomy is still on ... huh.
Tenley and Jake just talked for a long time. I have nothing interesting or funny to add.
You know what I could go for? A lot of cliched voice over from Jake with an extended shot of him sitting like this:
Perfect.
Obligatory ring choosing segment -> obligatory selection of a horrible tie and it's time for chopper arrivals.
Last minute prediction: he goes with Tenley cuz he still feels bad about whatever he said on the boat and just cuz breaking up with Tenley would be so much more of a dick move. And if there's anything we learned this season, it's that Jake is the opposite of a dick.
Woops. So much for my last minute prediction.
Ho. Leecrap this is even worse than I imagined.
And then it got worse when Tenley somehow thanked him for rejecting her. And took crying while conversing to a new level.
Sign of how horrendous the last segment was: I stopped busying myself with the Internet to pay attention to the DWTS reveal. Erin Andrews, HELLO!
Just thought of something that made me physically smile. How pissed is Ali right now?
Well everyone, what have we learned? Being one of the most hated females in Bachelor history pays off in the end. That's what.
I have 3 words for you, ABC, Jake and The Bachelor franchise regarding this season: Fail. Epic Fail.

I got nothing. I'll see about doing "After The Final Rose" at a later date. It was all downhill after they booted Roslyn.

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Roslyn's Infidelity

2010-02-22T20:14:00.004-07:00

It is on. What is it, you ask? It. Harrison. Roslyn. Arms folded grudge match. Is on. It. Plus some more crying from Ali I'm sure.

Reliving Elizabeth's insanely awkward note reading ... coulda done without that.
Just in case you can't tell what's "live" and what's not, the super duper not live stuff is the stuff where they've turned up the contrast so much that you kind of have to squint and everything is blurry. The really not live stuff is at normal contrast ... oh and is all happening in the fracking studio with the audience. Bungie jumping. Two dudes on a couch. Top of Coit Tower. Live studio audience. I wouldn't know which was which without the contrast.
Oooooh, past season catch up when we get back. "You won't believe what happens when these people get together," says Harrison. Unless they combine forces to create the super large hadron collider, I'm probably gonna believe it.
Jesse! My boy! GNARRRRRRR, dude!
Nikki, I was so happy to have forgotten you.
Did Wes just say nipple? I ran it back 4 times and can't say for sure that he's saying nipple. He uses nipples to quantify his good times?
To recap ... nope. No super large hadron collider. Just drinking, flirting and making out.
Oops, wait apparently "with great success comes ..." the need to work with 5th graders and paint life guard stands. Not exactly as quotable as Uncle Ben, but I guess it works.
The Bachelor and someone named Mike Fleiss gave money to Ellen? Who's Mike Fleiss? Oh.
Harrison says "the most memorable women are here tonight." Which girls watching at home just started crying?
Ashley, I haven't forgotten about you.
Did Gia just say that Tenley shits rainbows? Where was this personality during the season, Gigi?
These stories about Roslyn are easily the most interesting stories from the whole season. The season has been that bad.
Pot shots Harrison has taken at Michelle tonight ... at least 5. Don't pick on the crazy ones, Harrison. They don't know you're making fun of them half the time.
All things considered, props to Michelle's crazy ass. She defended herself well against Harrison, Ali's "look at me" interruption and her own condemning footage.
How many more viewings before Jake double closing Ali's limo door is not funny? 100? 1,000?
What the hell is going on? Ali just apologized to Vienna and asked others to stick up for her.
Looks wise, I'll say it. I'm not mad at Ashleigh or Elizabeth.
Of all the cruel ironies, why did they reunite Roslyn with her steamy staffer during the walk through the back halls of the studio?
Harrison, we see that ring on your finger. No reason to try to score points with Roslyn.
"Son, isn't the simplest story the truth?" Yes. Yes it is, Dr. Phil.
How in the hell do they not have any footage of this?
I know what would settle this once and for all. Have her try on the glove!
How great would it be if Roslyn really was telling the truth and all the girls met late one night and formulated this conspiracy? At this point, that's my greatest hope for the outcome of this story.
"Back by popular demand, your bachelor, Jake!" You go to hell, Harrison. You go to hell and you die!
"When we were sitting on that bench, my heart was crying." I loathe this man.
Most unexpected tears of the night: Kathryn. No question. Did you WATCH the show? This guy sucks! What are you crying about?
I told you you blew it with Christina, Jake.
ANOTHER pot shot at Michelle. Chris is ruthless tonight.
For those scoring at home, it's 9:48pm and Steve just went upstairs and put himself to bed. Night, Steve.
These outtakes are tremendously tremendous. (USA! USA! USA!) Harrison's response to what he uses on his teeth is my fav. And Ashleigh's send off.
And someone get Corrie and Tenley their own show.

Next week on The Bachelor, we find out who's on the next DWTS!!! Oh and Jake picks between "sugar and spice." Which one's which exactly?

More importantly, the guy that watched Roslyn why she packed her bags and walked her to the studio tonight ... is named Paulie. And he's single!

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Fantasy Suites

2010-02-15T20:10:00.004-07:00

Okay, it's time for the episode where all the actual dates are just prelude to a phone call from Ms. Career Woman Ali. So much for Eyes On The Prize. Oh and I forgot about the fantasy suites ... probably because the idea of Jake making a move on these chicks is about as natural as a jet planes. Aviation.

The throwbacks to night one are kinda fun. Tenley's name is "Tenley ... like the number ten." Cute.
Holy crap Vienna was the girl that asked to see Jake's abs straight out of the limo. I can't even imagine all the other ladies watching that episode back.
"So I've watched about 5 minutes of this season and I hate this dude." My ever-wise roommate Dave, everybody.
Ali is back "home" which looks a lot like a hotel room ... and sleeps with pictures of Jake by her bed. What do you call someone that puts food on the shelves at a grocery store? A stalker, that's right. (Wrong spelling, but go with me, people.)
2 thoughts about Gia and Jake's time in the city. 1) There's not even a word for how annoying Gia is. 2) Jake can not dance. At all.
Wait a minute. Leap of faith ... jump of the dock into the ocean. Oh. Oh I see what you did there. Not even close to clever or charming.
Ugh. Jake dons the necklace.
Here's a sampling of convo during dinner. Jake: "You're very deep." Gia: "... Like, more than I would ever open up, like, really, like you don't even -- you don't even know." Deep indeed, Jake. Deep.
Somehow the men's snowcross on the olympics has pulled me away from this deep conversation. This course is insane.
"Eh ha. I'm ready to use the key. Eh ha!" She's deep and not shy ... and annoying beyond words.
Tenley arrives just in time for 1,000th helicopter ride in Bachelor history!! You figure they would have rolled out some balloons or some confetti or something.
Tenley thinks Jake loves to dance? Someone roll the Gia date for her.
Fantasy Suite? More like Can't-asy suite! Cuz Tenley has only been with one man ... in case you hadn't heard Tenley the first 489 times. What? No recycling of jokes allowed?
"This came from Chris Harrison ... and I'm really excited about it," says Jake. Holy crap, you sold her, Jake. I might actually be impres -- nah, can't go that far.
Euphemisms for sex learned during tonight's show ... Tenley: "moving forward." Gia: "Ready to use the key."
Oh no, they've shifted to pairs figure skating on the other TV. I'm forced to watch the rest of this date.
Onto Vienna's date ... Putting an eye patch on Jake is like putting a birthday hat on a dog. He's immediately disoriented and he's gonna squirm uncomfortably until he figures out a way to get it off.
"I don't care if we're in St. Lucia or Texas, I just want to be with him." What are you trying to say, Vienna? What are you trying to say?
Well this date is mostly unbearable. Hey look, I was a one-year-old lush!
Gist of the dinner date as best I can tell ... there will be no suspense when it comes to fantasy suite choice time.
Tenley's euphemism for the evening: "show him another side of me." No real need for euphemism in this case.
Uh, so much for suspense of the next segment ... looks like Ali's headed for Lucia.
Why do they even bother asking for bachelor and bachelorette nominees on the website? How long has it been since we've had a newcomer as the main character? If only I had the past 5 or so odd seasons documented somehow ... shit.
Key quote from the Jake/Ali phone convo: "Ehhhhhh." Ali's got a real way with words. I can see why he asked her back.
Wow, looks like the damn editors at ABC got me again. Jake makes a stand. In your face, Ali! Aviation!
That was a really really really long segment to end up right where we were at the end of the last episode.
Gia's head tilt during her video diary makes me want to jam handfuls of marbles into my eyes.
For the sake of drama, I hope he drops Vienna mostly cuz I think her freak out would involve the most acting out. Gia would probably cry and do an annoying whimper very similar to her annoying laugh. And dumping Tenley at this point would just be too cruel for words.
This has to be one of the most numbing episodes in Bachelor history. I'm averaging 0.67 comments per segment over the last 4 segments.
First draft pick - Tenley. Very impressive turn around for her.
Oh Gia. Gia Gia Gia. Your mom was way off, right?! Lesson learned: don't listen to your mom after she's only known a guy for 2 hours.
Did anyone else catch the giant smile on Harrison's face as he walked in to give Gia the boot? Dude was downright giddy.
Gia's complete acceptance of all this is ... bizarre. Sad and bizarre.
Oh and I just noticed she's wearing the necklace thing on her wrist. Please take it off for your own dignity. Good gravy.
What is this dirt road they're taking Gia away on? Are they going to ... take care of her? Seems like the airport would be on a paved road.
Jake puts the cherry on top of the most awkward toast of the season with not only a group hug but talk of how hard it was to get rid of Gia. Smooth as always.
Be proud, ladies. Jake thinks you're "the best of the best."

Next week, good times with the return of the crazies from this season. And enough non-verbal reactions from Vienna and Tenley to keep us all guessing.

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Self Loathing

2010-02-13T11:37:00.003-07:00

Well here we are again. Looks like we're in for another week of interaction that leaves you wondering "what exactly do they see in this guy besides the aviation and the abs?" At least we get some funny accents and a lot of dramatic leaning.

Fashion question - long sleeve shirt while wearing shorts and flip flops ... better than a hoodie leather jacket?
"That's the empire state building with the thing on the top." Really, Gia? Really?
Amazing conversationalist moment #1: "So this is where you're from."
Good news! The mega-annoying laugh has been upgraded to hyperultra-annoying.
"He always as they say 'has my back.'" Who's they, Gia's mom? I don't think anyone knows what you mean.
Gia's brother Erick's hair takes the blowout to new levels. In your face, Pauly D.
Gia's mom is a cliche machine. She's a multi-conglomerate cliche factory. "Reach for them stars, but keep one foot on that ground." She likes to throw in her own little twists though ... obviously.
Onto Ali's town ... full leg and arm clasp hug count: 2. Are they coached on these greetings?
Amazing conversationalist moment #2: "There's a lot of leaves."
Ali: "My mom is not an easy lady ..." she says "... to impress." Whew. That was about to get awkward there.
I'll confess to spending the majority of the Ali family dinner date trying to figure out what was wrong with Gretzky during the Olympic opening ceremonies last night. Did that dude have to use the restroom or something?
Just got snapped back into focus when Ali said she'd marry Jake today. I'm guessing Jake would like to see her open up a bit more. It's gonna be tough when she has all these walls up.
Hmmm, looks like Tenley's date is not going to be a big upper and it looks like Ali loses it later.
Aaaaaaand the streak is broken. No leg clasp from Tenley. Damn your walls, Tenley. Damn them!
I wonder what Mia would have to say about Tenley's routine? Or even Jill?
Unlike Gia's mom, Tenley isn't interested in Jake having her back, she just hopes that "We'll be a we." Tenley's a cliche innovator.
If you ever want Jake to say the word "aviation" just say something like "You saw what Jake loves" and then pause for 0.25 seconds. Guaranteed he says "aviation" with an especially pompous tone.
The Tenley dinner in a word: eeeeeemotions.
Jake to Tenley's dad: "I guess what I'm asking is ... can I marry your daughter ... assuming I pick her from the 4 girls I'm currently dating that is."
Tenley's dad, thanks for playing along. Really, we appreciate it, but c'mon you're not really granting your marital blessing after 2 hours, right?
Onto Vienna's date. Of course she lives in Florida. Reminds me of a segment that Carolla used to do on his radio show called "Germany or Florida" where someone would read a news article about some crazy person doing something insane and then Carolla would guess if the story originated in Germany or Florida. Vienna is one giant game of Germany or Florida.
Jake goes 2 for 4 with leg clasps. You can't win 'em all, Jake.
Jake also goes 2 for 4 with dates involving boats which leads to this exchange ...
Vienna: "You do know how to drive a boat, right?" Jake: "Aviation. Er, I mean. Yes."
Hey, Vienna's dad, I've got 2 words for ya. Consider Lasik.
Is Vienna adopted? Honestly she looks nothing like these people.
So Ali has to go home cuz of her job? But she checks her email on the weekends, what more do these corporate slave drivers want!?!? Probably for her not be gone for weeks at a time dating a pilot.
This is the look of a chick that just remembered how much she hates her competition ... and is ready to jet.
Also, is this a hair style that Ali is rocking? Or is it just ... hair?
Crap I just remembered a clip from "this season on the bachelor" with Ali that hasn't happened yet. So much for the suspense. See you on the exotic date.
This is why I watch the Bachelor. I think this is why we all watch the Bachelor. She held this pose for a good 15 seconds.
Huh. I guess my memory failed me. Later, Ali.
I hope that Gia, Vienna and Tenley have all stood in silence this whole time. Possibly an occasional laugh out of nowhere from Gia that makes the other two roll their eyes.

Next week, Jake puts on a necklace. I think some other stuff happened, but I was too thrown off by the necklace to notice.

A thought about the (not) free Grand Slam at Denny's

2010-02-09T12:01:00.006-07:00

Stories like this make me crazy. In case you missed it, Denny's announced free Grand Slam breakfasts to all takers today, 2/9/10 between 6am to 2pm. I realize this sounds like the unimaginable free meal at first glance, but ...

It's not.

Chipotle did something similar in Arizona last year. Pouncing on the Cardinals heading for the Super Bowl, patrons that wore red got a free burrito on 1/31/09. Again, this meal was far from free.

But Luke, it's literally free. How can it not be free? What part of "free" don't you understand?

Look at the lines in these shots. I actually tried to participate in the Chipotle promo and the line was out the back door when I arrived. Same happened today at every Denny's in the universe.

Lines = time. Time is not free. Let's do some quick math.

Assume you make $10/hr.
Assume you have to spend 2 hours standing in line (aka not at work) to get your free meal and then an hour sitting at the table.
$10/hr times 3 hours = free! Woops, nope. Actually it's $30.

You just gave up $30 of your time to get a free meal that costs you $5 under normal circumstances.

On the other hand, if you go to Denny's tomorrow on your lunch hour ...

No wait (cuz it's Denny's) = $0.
Lunch hour meal = $0 in lost wages.
$5 Grand Slam plus soda and tip = $10.

$30 for a free meal today. Or $10 for a not free meal tomorrow. Hope you made the right choice.

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Reeeeveeeenge!!

2010-02-03T20:58:00.003-07:00

Well I just did some yoga and now I'm sitting down for a nice bachelor blog. All elements of masculinity have left my being. Awesome. The title of this week's blog is in the hopes that Eyes On The Prize Ali really lays the smack down ... on everyone. Harrison has my hopes high via "this week on The Bachelor." Get it on!!!

This week's leather jacket mod ... a hoodie. How very Mayer of you, Jake.
On the surface, I'll say this, Jake. Not too rough on the eyes, this crowd.
Two responses to Tenley realizing she's having the first date. 1) She reads her name has no reaction at all. And then reads "Let's get our love on track in San Francisco" and FREAKS OUT. What the hell? Did she not recognize her own name? Why the delayed freak out? 2) Do you think Gia learned this move from her last boyfriend Carl Pavano.
Plenty more details on Gia and all the other ladies including possible spoilers here if you're interested. Good lookin' out, Ando.
Yes! Ali and Vienna group date. Shit is going down. It is going down!
F you, Corrie! You tricked me! I don't take kindly to tricksters.
Hmmm, this cat fight is much more boring and annoying than I would have expected. They both make no sense.
Write your own fortunes? Barf, hurl, etc. I'd be better off back on the yoga mat.
Jake's giant wooden chest arrives. Gia: "What is all this?" Tenley: "This is a whole lot of clothes to choose from." I can see why Jake likes her sense of humor.
Word count of the Gia/Vienna data so far. Vienna: 3,487. Gia: "This is crazy." 3 if you're scoring at home.
On the bright side, no more horrible giddy laughter from Gia. In its place: insane insecurity. She's very dynamic, that Gia.
Personally I could have handled more of the Vienna wanders the castle with a lamp montage. Wait, no. What's the opposite of more?
So Vienna's eye make up during the confessional ... she was going for Skeletor?
So Jake's got Corrie on the boat and he ... wipes crums off her face and doesn't kiss her?
Holy balls I want to smash this keyboard this is so awkward!! Too close for missiles, switch to guns and make your damn move!
I'd like to call into question Jake's shoes during the aquarium date. That is all.
Not to look too far ahead, but we might as well not even set up a fantasy suite for Corrie's final date, right?
Is it just me or did Ali and Corrie wear virtually the same outfit for their respective dates?
This insanely bubbly side of Ali ... not into it. She LOVES the clenched teeth high pitch voice move. "I'm sooovvvvvexcvivvtedvvvv!!"
"What's that? A crab? ... Well he scored on that one didn't he?" I officially hate this guy.
I tried to listen to Ali and Jake's Vienna conversation, but I honestly couldn't. I'd ask what happened but I don't even care at this point.
"You want to jump in the water? And when I say 'jump in' I mean run towards the water and then stop quickly and get our pants all wet."
If Jake is one thing, it's well spoken. "I can't believe we have to do this again. It's just like ... gaaaa." Actual quote. Verbatim. And he accompanied it with this face ...
This is your bachelor, America. Shoot me. Shoot us all.
"Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm not in touch with my sensual side," says Corrie. I believe her, yo. I don't know why but I do.
Jake to Corrie: "You are not any different than how I hoped you would be." What. Does that even. MEAN!?!? Is this what passes for charming these days?
So Gia says that Jake passed a test of hers. Unless I heard her wrong, the test was "what does a guy do when he has the opportunity to sleep with another girl while I'm upstairs?" You're a real slave driver, Gia.
Aaaaaaaaand the giddy laugh is back. I'm just dry heaving at this point I've barfed so much.
Harrison! Oh I've never been so happy to see you. Bless you, sir, for you mark the end of the episode.
They're RE-PLAYING the "it's okay to fall" clip? All testosterone has exited my body having had to see that scene twice.
I think Jake could have summited the Everest of awkward if he had put his legs over Harrison during the interview ... you know, he doesn't want Harrison to feel left out.
Doh! Corrie gets the boot. I was really looking forward to the fantasy suite exchange.
I liked Corrie. I'll admit it. She's the only one that didn't seem to go all weirdo in the environment of the show.
I know Family Guy says to always end on a good joke, but I've got nothing. You're sucked the life out of me, Jake and co.

Next week, home town time. Looks like Vienna's dad and Gia's mom are NOT going to disappoint. And Harrison has more tricks up his sleeve. He better protect Gia's hawwt.

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Pyromania

2010-01-26T20:38:00.003-07:00

From what I understand, this is the episode Cougar tries to make a transition to Ice Man ... except with fire, a rose fire. Not the best opening ever, I'll admit. Quick -- to the bullets!!

The ladies fill in quite nicely in Liz's absence when it comes to the non-verbal reactions to Harrison. Raised eyebrows, I like that. Exaggerated exhale, yes, work it! Glancing left to right, no! No! No good!
Harrison, answer me something, buddy. What did you think the ladies thought the RVs were for besides loading into them and traveling in them? Last I checked RVs were pretty much designed for a single purpose.
Side note: why did Ali climb into the luggage compartment?
The ladies have assigned RVs like assigned seats in 2nd grade? Odd.
Did Ella just rock a "rollin' with the homies?" RIP, Brittany Murphy.
Having seen the ladies' "home" videos, I just may never turn on my Flip video again.
You set up a tent in a vineyard, Jake? Or a field of grapes? Seriously dude, which is it?
Ali is breaking down the match ups. This is pretty awesome. She just basically asked for the ball on the post against Vienna and even said she'd "take one for the team." We like sports and we don't care who knows!
Okay, stilettos, fear of RVs and lack of knowledge about portable showers aside, Gia's girly-isms are getting to be a little much. The hair tosses and the giggles are kinda not working.
Hmmm, 2 person spin the bottle. Wonder how this is gonna turn out. Barf.
I never imagined turning on Gia so quickly. The laugh. Is. KILLING me.
The date card arrives ... "Next stop: falling INN love." Hmmm, let me guess. It's gonna be a date at a STOP sign. No? We're going to see the Nic Cage blockbuster NEXT? No? Well, whatever it is it better not having anything to do with a quaint motel ... cuz I hate those.
Cry time for Gia. Cue the piano rendition of "On The Wings of Annoying Laugh".
Okay, the RV'ing, the dune buggying, the sand surfing ... I'm starting to wish I was on this date. PS Jake, you suck at sand surfing.
What the hell? An INN? I warned you, Jake!
Why is this Ashleigh/Jake convo so awkward? I'd recommend skipping it all and just going in for the kill there, Ice Man. I think that would go over a lot better than "but anyway" and "what else?"
You know what Ali is? Aware of her surroundings. She's doing the damn rose countdown with Jake himself. Eyes on the prize, Ali.
Giving a speech where you talk about someone without mentioning their name til the end ... seems difficult judging by the number of "ya know's" that Jake just dropped.
We're onto hour 2 on abc.com and for those scoring at home, I just chose "normal commercial breaks" instead of watching an extended commercial at the start ... I didn't see that coming.
The name "Big Sur" has always perplexed me. Why did they leave off the "f" from surf and/or why didn't they spell "sir" correctly. Answer right here: "the name originates from Rio Grande del Sur, the biggest river in the South." What you've got there is a not-so-fun fact. A boring fact.
Per Ms. Rose, Jake just dropped the first "how are you?" of the night by my count ... and this was after a dinner's worth of conversation with this chick.
Uh oh, Kathryn. The last girl that tried out frustration-crying during a date ... it didn't end so well for that young lady.
Also, Kathryn, I just had to go look up your name. Not a good sign considering this bachelor has yet to burn any roses yet tonight.
Nothing says you aren't getting a rose like starting a conversation with "I think you're such an amazing person."
The DOUBLE boot? Wow. We haven't seen a move like this since Big Swayze. I'm starting to be impressed here, Ice Ma--er, I mean, Cougar.
Is it odd to anyone else that the ladies are sad about reducing their competition by 2 instead of 1?
Like Ando said ... "this is the first of many decisions I'm gonna make that no one's gonna understand ... and it's only gonna get worse." Really might be THE quote in Bachelor history (you heard me, Harrison).
Only way to follow up a quote like that ... cry in the shadows of the cabin and then chuck a rose in the fire. Reasonable. Logical. I like it. Classic "if a, then b" scenario.
Honestly what does that quote even mean? Only gonna get worse for Jake? He realizes he's the one making the decisions, right?
I'll say it, the leather jacket over the suit jacket ... is not working, Jake.
You know what Jake is all about? Shots. Tell us something we don't know.
"So how you doing?" count - 2.
Allie's awareness continues by openly discussing Jake's "move" from the previous night and boosting the guy's ego and complementing his decision making skills in the process. Eyes on the prize.
"How are you?" - 3.
"So how are ya?" - 4. Good lookin' out, J-Ro.
It's official, everyone. The Bachelor has gone fully digital. No more phone number if you want to nominate a bachelor. I think this is what the inventors of the Internet were hoping for. I really do.
"Gia, Tenley, you've already received roses this week ... aaaaand you're not boning any of our staffers ... (that we know of) ... so you've got nothing to worry about." Honestly, shouldn't he have to say that every time for at least this season?
Hey Gia, that cross legged stance thing is cool and all, but cut it out.
I appreciate that Jake is laying out a pecking order while giving out the roses.Ali first and then Corrie. All according to plan so far.
Awkward pause ... and let's get dramatic, everyone! Look out, we've got bad lighting, an assistant producer with a clip board and a not-so-steady cam. Shit is going down, people. It is going down!
Even Seacrest would be proud of this cliff hanger commercial break.
I appreciate so much about Harrison's phrasing. 1) "There are two women in there that are definitely not going to be your wife" and 2) "we'll take care of it."
Harrison: "You want me to take away one of the roses?" Jake: "Well if I could burn one of them, that'd be preferable, but I guess taking it away will work."
Jake is like Crazy Gideon tonight. Everything must go! He is stacking them high and letting them fly! Because he's crazy!
Except for Vienna. She must stay ... and drive every other woman on the earth insane apparently.
And the non-verbal award of the night goes to Corrie. This face says "You're welcome, Jake. I'll hang in there and believe in you. You can be my wingman any time."

Next week, "it's not about sex appeal. It's about heart appeal." And cat fights, Jake. Don't forget about those. Eyes on the prize.

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Drama, Episode 3

2010-01-19T18:33:00.003-07:00

I'll admit to being pretty unexcited for this season before it started, but it's probably time to recognize. This biz has been pretty gd action packed and there doesn't seem to be any slowing down. Michelle continues her crazy spiral. Liz continues being a tease. And ABC keeps rolling out washed up celebrities.

Jake rolls out the bike again and the quarter of the way zipped up jacket. At least he let the girl wear jeans this time.
Thank the good Harrison, I was about to lose it if I wasn't treated to a helicopter ride soon. On the chopper blades of love! -- oh wait, wrong song.
Why don't the girls like Vienna again? Honestly I don't remember ... cuz she's 23? Cuz they love extreme sports and she doesn't?
Jake's panic mode pre-bungy is pretty awesome. Kinda reminds me of another pilot that sorta lost it in a pressure-filled situation.
Let's recap Vienna and Cougar's date. "There are no words to describe it." I've got one: boringbeyondwords.
So let me get this straight ... Michelle DOES want to get to know Jake? Or not? Is she just in a constant state of 68% of the way to crying?
Let's take a moment during this unending life draining date to ask the following. How many of these girls would say yes to a proposal from Jake right now? 80%? Higher? The way these girls audition for the show knowing so much about him, they already come in knowing what they need to know, right? Unless it turns out he's put on 50 pounds or became a monk with a vow of silence, these chicks are in, right?
Assuming the last bullet is true, it does kinda make sense that the last few groups of Bachelorettes are generally attractive and generally come with baggage, right? If you're a producer and you know all these girls are already ready to marry the dude, you're gonna cast with maximum drama in mind, no?
What just happened?Man I hope I didn't black out and wax poetic about the bachelor for 100+ words.
Did Cougar just include "Little Nicky" in Lovitz' list of credits? Wow. I take back what I said about him being washed up. I had no idea Little Nicky scored in the double digits on Rotten Tomatoes.
Okay, I'll ask again. Why do I assume everyone I see on reality TV is older than me by default? Is this just me? Every time they tell me that Ashleigh is 25 and that Gia is 26, I have to do a double take.
All jokes aside, this stand up comedy date is not funny at all. See what I did there? With the jokes aside? And the not funny at all? No? It was a play on words. Okay I'll stop.
Will she or will she not murder someone during this season? I put it at about 50/50.
Being the girl that tells the bachelor about the girl no one likes is like being the second guy in a fight in the NBA. You're the one that's gonna get penalized.
"I came here to ..." has officially overtaken "here for the right reasons" now that Roslyn's gone.
Do you know why Corey's stand-up about Vienna was funny? Because it was true. Thanks, Ali. I hadn't quite put it together yet.
"I believe you." Well said, Jake. Well said.
Bravo, Jake. You made Michelle's psycho spiral hit rock bottom. I wonder if she murdered the cab driver ... or possibly asked him to help get her mom some grandchildren? Again I think it's 50/50.
"I never imagined in a million years that we'd go on a helicopter ride," says Ella. I hate to disagree, but I did imagine, Ella. I did imagine it.
All jokes aside ... I have no jokes about the Ella date. Parenthood is serious, everyone.
I'll say 2 things about this cocktail party. 1) Despite all the drama, everything is still a lot more mellow now that Michelle's gone. The chances of someone getting cut are back to a normal level. And 2) one of the girls that I've never seen on this show is wearing a DRESS. Woah.
One thing that really helps keep expectations low on a kiss that may never come ... talking about it for flipping hours with everyone in earshot including the dude who just may be the recipient of said kiss ... maybe ... someday ... but probably not. I'd bring out that football again real quick, Liz.
Ladies, Jake, there's no way you don't know why I just emerged from the shadows to tell you. Last rose, etc. My job is extremely repetitive.
Apparently the dress' name was Valishia. Who knew?
Hhhhhhyyaaah. Awkward goodbye between Liz and Jake. At least you get to do your exit interview while freezing!

Next week: road trip! And Jake commits rose arson! Harrison might actually have to re-think his trademark line. Ladies, Jake, this is the final rose of the night ... that isn't going in the fire.

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Nervous, Episode 2

2010-01-16T10:06:00.004-07:00

Ugh, well here we are on a Saturday morning because Monday night has proven to be a powerhouse that my DVR cannot handle - How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory, Chuck, House and this ridiculous show. Okay, Jake - err, I mean Cougar. Almost forgot.

Apparently there's something going on tonight. Something that Harrison isn't going to stand for. Is it drama that is free of hyperbole? Cuz Harrison ain't having that biz, ya know!?!?!
Kudos to Elizabeth from Nebraska for the non-verbal reactions. The producers are loving her.
"A picture is worth a thousand words ... I have absolutely no idea what that means," says Christina. Wait, like really you don't know what it means? It's a metaphor which is where you use a familiar situation to describe something el -- Nevermind. You probably don't get it.
Hey Jake, what is with the lack of buttons, dude?
My ongoing complaint with the Bachelor continues. Jake, Hal from In Style is NOT your friend. You did NOT set up anything special today. A picture is NOT worth a thousand words. Oh wait.
WOW, that photographer is owning that mustache. Good thing he wasn't involved in our competition.
Christina's "freaking out" count is up to 3 but she really plateaued with that first one. I am freaking ... (wait for it) .. OWERAROUT.
There is entirely too much screaming during the diamond necklace sequence. Get a hold of yourself, ladies. Except you, Michelle. There's no hope for you. You're gonzo already.
Otherwise I really only have the following to say about the pool date: good GRAVY, Rozlyn.
Ali the warcraft widow is crying already and she's only been selected for the date. Eeeeeeeemotions.
Hey Ali, put on a dress and these diamonds - they're gonna be PERFECT for our motorcycle ride and flight on a small plane.
Also, ladies, in case you were wondering, Jake can fly ANYTHING on the airport. Huh? Huh? Ya see what he did there?
Queue the title song. So so so ridiculous.
Ali asks if she can tell Jake the names of her past relationships? No no no please no anything but that horror, Ali. Why couldn't she tell him the names? Honestly I'm asking.
There's one more surprise, Ali. A band you most likely have never voluntarily listened to in your life and probably will never listen to again is playing a private concert for you! Why? Because they were available. Lady and gentleman, Chicago!
Ali's confessional cliche count is off the charts. Do you see how high it is? I had to use a cliche ... to describe all her cliches! Damn you, Ali!
Woah, one of the girls is getting it on with the staff? Harrison is outraged!
My roommate Dave wins the blog. "I was hoping the group date was Jake, the cameraman and 2 chicks."
An empty Six Flaggs? I am so flipping jealous. And they waste it on the swing that spins in a circle? I hate you all.
Oh no. Elizabeth writes notes. She pours her heart into them and then reads them aloud like she's skimming a newspaper article. Bizarre.
Also amazingly she writes even smaller than I do. Like Kevin Spacey in Se7en small.
Jake is apparently "saving the biggest surprise for last" for the 2nd date in a row. Ladies and gentlemen, Boston! (Credit to Dave again on this one.)
Ashley. Ashley's got the crazy eyes. Pull up, Cougar!
"You can go. It's fine," says Michelle. Has anyone ever meant what they said less than Michelle just now?
Cameraman was boning Rozlyn? Allow me to say it again ... good GRAVY!!
You know what always makes things less awkward? Saying "this is awkward."
All right. Look. I agree that Ms. Gravy should go due to having "relations" with the "staffer". Seems likely that she did more than just kiss this staffer on the forehead (barf by the way, Liz and Jake). But you've gotta admit it is a little odd that this expulsion goes down on the same show where Cougar is encouraged to explore relationships with multiple peeps. Just sayin'.
What kind of staffer was it? PA? Key grip? Kraft service guy? That guy that brought her the suitcase and sort of hovered over her while she packed?
Best packing montage ever, by the way.
Chris finally lets the cat out of the bag. The staffer was indeed a he. Imagine if Chris hadn't said he. GRAVY, people!!
I think "here for the right reasons" has officially replaced "amazing," "journey" and "open up" as the buzz phrase of the Jake season and probably the series as a whole.
Who are these girls that are getting roses? Alicia, Jessie, I don't even know you. I'm starting to wonder if they're here for the right reasons.
Jake, whatever you do, don't pick a girl that makes this face every time she's not picked.
Oh no! Pull up, Cougar!
I'm gonna miss Christina. Good confessionals. Fun drunk. Safe to say that I am freaking ... ouwawarawat! Crazy Eyes Ashley on the other hand. Not so much.

Next week, more early departures. I wonder if Harrison is gonna have to cross his arms again. "Next week, on The Bachelor, it's the most times I've had to cross my arms in Bachelor history."

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Hate, Episode 1

2010-01-11T20:23:00.002-07:00

Wasn't quite sure if I was gonna keep my streak alive with this ridiculous show and even more ridiculous blog, but the opening puff piece was enough to fuel my despise for this new bachelor and devote myself to snarking him to death.

The puff piece - no wonder he got the boot. That suit/tie combo on opening night last season was horrrrrific.
"Before I could get back out there, I knew I had to take some time off, walk near a pool, awkwardly walk around my city, spend an inordinate of time alone in a pool, drink some tap water with my shirt off and film some establishing shots reflecting my life as a pilot. Only then would I be ready to be The Bachelor." Bite me, puff piece.
Who was the biggest pansy in the Top Gun movie? Cougar? Drops out before Top Gun even started and his name is later used to describe females. Yeah, let's go with "Cougar" from here on out.
"It's the most dramatic season of The Bachelor ever." Who had 3 minutes, 17 seconds in the hyperbole pool wins.
I think Alexa would eat Cougar alive ... as well as every other chick they've shown in these horrible secondary puff pieces.
We've now had 2, count them 2 ladies rolling out this pose (NNSFW - not necessarily safe for work) during their puff piece. Probably time to start questioning these ladies intentions there, Cougar.
So apparently there was a quota - at least 75% of Cougar's bachelorettes must be 25.
Did I miss anything during the Harrison/Cougar interview? I couldn't stomach it. Had to fast-forward. I assume Harrison made Cougar relive his rejection moment 5 to 49 times over the course of 4 questions.
Rozlyn is a weird flirter. Is it a good sign when a girl grabs your wrist and then walks away?
Emily is a "Fit Model" ... is there another kind?
No courtesy laugh from Cougar on "you got a registry from those guns?" Wow. Cougar trying to step up to Ice Man status.
The captain in the Air Force cleans up pretty nicely. I did not see that coming.
"What's your favorite place?" "Right here. Right now!" "Huh ... well. Mine's snowboarding!" Move to the top of the awkard podium.
AAAAAAAAAND you've immediately been outdone by Ashleigh and the recently watered down sandstone driveway.
My money's on Michelle from Anaheim for the first impression rose.
Allie, the self-admitted Warcraft widow with no voice outdoes herself by tearing her dress.
These ladies are sharp. "I think we should tell her that her flight is getting evacuated." I don't even know ... what that means.
Okay, the football gag ... possibly a little forced but I can't deny that I'm into it. Well played, Elizabeth. And for the record she runs a route better than Cougar throws.
Oh no! Michelle, what have you done? You turned crazy on me and you don't even seem to have taken a drink. Pull up, Cougar! Pull up!
I think Harrison already revealed this, but honestly this night must be 8 hours+ long. This fracking girl is teaching him to dance.
Holy crap how is it possibly getting worse? My first impression rose choice is crying and she hasn't even talked to the dude yet. Worst. Prediction. Ever.
"Looks like Jake could use some help tonight so we called a couple of his old friends ... Bono and The Edge!" No. Wait. It's just Jillian and Jason and Jillian's insane dress.
One thing I'll say about Kimberly ... she's a real puma in the sack, am I right!?!?! Go Thunder!
"Opening Up" count - 1. Over/under for the season: 23.5.
Oh thank God for Harrison. I've never been so happy to see you. This is the most boring opening night ever. Did they forget to spike the punch?
Elizabeth from Nebraska - the football girl ... on the wings of LOVE up and above the clouds the only way to fly is on the wings of love! Oh sorry. Got carried away. Safe to say I'm not mad at Cougar for that pick.
Wow, Michelle (cry-time) gets a rose. I say again, Cougar, pull up!
Just in time to save this horrible episode, Hungry is back. I'm suddenly smiling ear to ear.
This season on The Bachelor ... Jake takes his shirt off. A lot. Except for when he burns a rose! Blasphemer!! And then apparently Harrison has to regulate. Dang.

Well, we're off to a boring start ... thanks to a boring first episode. I can only work with the material I've been given, people.

Luke's Best Music of 2009

2009-12-30T15:17:00.004-07:00

Well, seeing as how I haven't done this since 2007, I have some music to cover.

Let's quickly hit the top 9 of 2008.


Bon Iver I doubt I can say anything original about this album. It's wonderful. Trust me and every other music critic ever.	City and Colour A little emo, sure, but dang this guy writes some tunes that are up my alley. Plus his name is Dallas. I would bet 98% of all songwriters named Dallas are awesome.	Dear and The Headlights This album didn't hit me at first, but like Oregano's* it was worth the wait. Try not to be happy while listening to the end of "I Know"

Fleet Foxes Yet another in the series of great musical artists that are not afraid of beards. At all.	Fleetwood Mac I "discovered" these guys personally (note the quotes) in 2008 and listen to them all the fracking time now. Chain keep us together!	Once The music that birthed the music that birthed the popularity of Glen Hansard and The Swell Season. Whatever it takes works for me because everyone should love this album.

Jason Mraz This dude seems to be approaching male diva status, but his tunes still rule. And for the record, "I'm Yours" came out in 2005. 2005! July, 2005! Why is it a hit now?	Kings of Leon I got this album a little ahead of time and then a year later everyone else realized it was good. Not KoL's best, but KoL's less-than-best is way way way better than a lot of shite out there.	Sigur Ros They don't speak a lick of English! And I don't care!

2008 was the year of the podcast for me. Adam Carolla, Kevin and Bean and others dominated a lot of my iPod time so my overall exposure to new tunes may not have been what it once was. I auditioned (listened to at least once) 1,984 tracks in 2008 as opposed to 2,231 in 2007.

ANYways, some other tunes that didn't make the album cut that I love ...

AC/DC - It's A Long Way To The Top - My efforts to honor the classics continue with even more AC/DC.
Adele - Hometown Glory - She likes it in the city when two worlds collide ... and so do I.
Coldplay - Lost? (Acoustic) - The piano-only version of this song is killer.
Hushpuppies - You're Gonna Say Yeah - Good lookin' out, Guitar Hero 5. Without you I certainly never would have heard this fantastic running song.
Kanye West - Paranoid - Easily my favorite track off the acclaimed 808s & Heartbreak. Unfortunately this album did not approach Graduation's overall excellence for me.
N*E*R*D - You Know What - This song has my strongest recommendation. I have no idea when it came out or if any of the other songs on this album are good, but WHO CARES! This song is gold.
Saul Williams - List of Demands - Thanks to Nike for putting this in their SPARQ ads because I enjoyed both of Saul's albums quite a bit even if the dude is a little out there.
Samuel L. Jackson - Stackolee - This track off the Black Snake Moan soundtrack is fantastic. Easily the best song you'll hear featuring the phrase "I put 9 of my bullets in his mother f'ing chest!"
The Ting Tings - We Walk - This was my personal fav off this album featuring many other more commercially successful tunes.

And with that, on to 2009! This year my total music auditions fell drastically (from 1,984 in 2008 to an almost unforgiveable 1,131 tunes in 2009) but oh well. I was still able to discover 4 ridiculously good albums and some other not so shabby options.

The Untouchables
I absolutely could not leave these off the list.

Frightened Rabbit	One of two bands from Scotland that ruled this list. Credit goes to Ando for being ahead of the curve on this one. I almost feel guilty for not catching on more quickly. They're that good.
Phoenix	It's hard to imagine another band that improves on every release as much as these cats do. Also I just realized my top tier features absolutely no American bands. Europe FTW!
We Were Promised Jetpacks	These dudes opened for Frightened Rabbit and immediately became the best opener I've ever seen (and I've seen a lot - Ray LaMontagne, Martin Sexton and others). Fast strumming is back!
Kings of Convenience	I had some majorly high hopes for this long overdue album and they were met. This album is like taking a bath in happiness. Just wonderful wonderful times.

Must Haves
The next tier of greatness.

K-OS	Kevin (the K in K-OS is for Kevin) comes through again. Just check out track 1 and tell me you're not in. "No one knows what you're doing!"
The Rural Alberta Advantage	Guy on guitar and vocals, guy on drums, girl and vocals and everything else comes through with the surprise album of the year. "Edmonton" fit in quite nicely with my road trip video in case you haven't seen it.
Tegan & Sara	Speaking of consistency, these ladies come through like Phoenix with their 3rd great album in a row. And if Petros likes them, what else do you need to know?
The Temper Trap	The Aussies get a hit on the 500 Days of Summer soundtrack and the rest of the album ain't too shabby either.
TV On The Radio	I was sad to find out that Klosterman doesn't like these dudes (via an off-hand mention in his latest book), but I don't care. "Love Dog" is one of my most played tracks of the year.
The Whitest Boy Alive	Erlend Oye (of Kings of Convenience fame) hits another home run with his other band. Love me some "Courage" off this album.

Bloody Likely
I'm pretty sure I like the albums below, but haven't spent enough time with them to give them my full recommendation. However my initial impressions and other critics' high praise has me surmising these albums are legit.


Manchester Orchestra	Marc Broussard	Mute Math

Paramore	Passion Pit	Snow Patrol

The Swell Season	Tina Dickow	Third Eye Blind

And finally my favorite tunes of 2009 (limiting my selections to one song per artist) ...

1901 - Phoenix - Can you believe he says "Fold it" and not "Fallin'" in the chorus? Me neither.
Edmonton - Rural Alberta Advantage - What IF I'm only satisfied when I'm at home? A question I've asked myself many times before this great song came around.
Me In You - Kings of Convenience - The title by itself might conjure some giggles, but just roll this track and then enjoy your lowered heart rate and raised smile.
Roll Up Your Sleeves - We Were Promised Jetpacks - So difficult to choose just one track off this album. I think I've had stints with 4 different songs named as my favorite. I'm settling on this one for the fantastic riff and sing along fun.
Love Dog - TV On The Radio - "Something slow has sparked up in me" just like this song slowly builds to greatness.
Old Old Fashioned - Frightened Rabbit - Another very tough choice. So many choices with these cats.
Love Lost - The Temper Trap - Do you feel weird when track 1 is your favorite? Like you're not paying enough attention to the full album? Well I don't care, this is a great track 1.
Courage - The Whitest Boy Alive - Show some courage ... like Erlend says.

*It's worth the wait!

This just in! Check back later.

2009-11-17T19:03:00.004-07:00

I weep for the state of sports journalism. Have a look at this article. In case you're click-shy, here are some key quotes regarding Charlie Weis' employment status as the Notre Dame head football coach:

"Charlie Weis is ... saying he doesn't think a decision about his future has been made"

"I don't think that any decision's been made."

"[S]peculation about his future has been the top story in South Bend."

"I don't know."

Sooooo basically ... you've got nothing, right? The story is that ... there might be a story later, but not today. Hey look over here ... and remember to check back again when there's actually news.

This type of "news" isn't the first sports "story" like this even in 2009. The Favre will he/won't he debacle is now becoming a yearly tradition and it features similar non-stories like this one. I remember an actual ESPN ticker in August that said "Favre says he doesn't know if he's going to return to the NFL."

This is what the information age has given us as news: "I don't know." How about we make this deal, sports media? We'll go ahead and assume that no decisions have been made about anything and that speculation is running rampant about all possible stories ever ... until you tell us otherwise. Then, when you have actual news that goes one way or another, you let us know. Here are some examples that you might use to get you started.

Charlie Weis is fired.
Charlie Weis got a contract extension.
Brett Favre won a football match.
Brett Favre spent 3 hours this last Sunday gun slinging and loving the game of football.
Wranglers!

Any of the above would be better than "Charlie Weis: we have no friggin' clue about his status."

But just in case the Worldwide Leader is reading this, I've got some story ideas that I've been working on.

The Colts may or may not win the Superbowl this year. Find out for sure on 2/7/10.

LeBron James is going to determine who he'll play for in 2010 at some point! It could be one of 30-odd teams!

USA to compete in the World Cup. No idea if they'll win or not. Only time will tell.

Manu Ginobli remains a d-bag.

Oh wait, that last one is actually true, but you get the idea.

Hey ESPN, feel free to send my free lance check to the usual place.

John Mayer - Go ahead and judge by the cover

2009-11-11T20:25:00.005-07:00

First things first: I'm a hypocrite. I'm a turncoat. I'm a traitor. There have been many years (possibly including this one) where the term fanboy could easily be applied to my affinity for John Mayer. Cases in point:

I've seen the man in concert around 25 times.
I'll be seeing his trio band this coming New Years Eve and I'll be paying over $150 to do so. See.
The man has 10% of my top 100 played songs and even a higher percentage of all my 5-star songs.

With all that said, let's cut to the chase and discuss Mayer's upcoming album cover for Battle Studies. What the hell, John.

If this doesn't strike you as odd, let's look at it another way.

On the left, a guitar virtuoso just out of school (maybe still in school) and not quite sure what to do about this whole album cover thing.
On the right ... I mean, the over/under on the photo shoot to come up with the above is what - 9.5 hours. 15-20 costume changes, 8 stylists on John's hair.
On the left, "So, uh, do I look AT the camera ... what do I do with my hands? Oh. Oh that was it? You just took the shot just now. Oh. Cool."
On the right, "I'm thinking I make it look like I just pulled off this hoodie ... or no, like I'm about to put on the hoodie ... no, both at the same time! Yeah, and I'm gonna look off in the distance as though I just cured cancer with a guitar riff while tweeting a novel 140 chars at a time that leads to world peace."
On the left, a dude that can really play the guitar.
On the right ... I can't think of anything better than d-bag.

Ever wonder how someone makes the progression from normal dude to ridiculously self important musician? Just look to the album covers.

It's like the evolution of the d-bag.

The poses even line up like he's rising to the occasion.

As Ando said, it might be time to take a step back, John.

PS See ya on New Years Eve. I'll be the one gazing at you from the general admission section wearing a hoodie.

Carrie Moten, You're Fired.

2009-08-11T20:30:00.004-07:00

Let's get the obvious out of the way. Yes, I'm posting for the second time (not to mention an entire 8-minute session of random ass car improv) about a radio segment that most men would not even admit to listening to ever. Deal.

With that out of the way, I'll say that I've probably listened to every War of the Roses segment over 3 years. Maybe longer. (For the record, it's not that hard to do. Podcasts are a wonderfully accessible and efficient means of audio entertainment. They're like TiVo for the radio. Only listen to what you want to. No commercials.) And as I noted in the previously mentioned improv segment, I have a few annoyances regarding the format of the segment. Just about all those annoyances were washed away when "Special K" filled in recenly for Carrie Moten. My immediate and unending thought throughout these segments ...

You're fired, Carrie.

... Uh ... woops ...

Play the record scratch noise right here.

This whole post is a wash. I was about to talk about how Special K has done the Roses segment two times (July 23rd and August 6th) and both times did everything that Carrie never did and made the segment about a billion times better in the process. She gets to the point of the schpiel (aka the scam) in about a thousand less words than Carrie and she makes the dude feel much more comfortable in the process by (imagine this ...) flirting! I was going to talk about how K has no problem "digging" and just outright asking the cheating dudes if they are cheating rather than being all nervous about pissing off a dude that they are outright trying to embarrass. That's the whole point of the segment. No need to try to be cute about it. Just play the role of the nosy florist girl and ask about the chick receiving the flowers! "Are you dating this girl?" "Are you in love with her?" "Are you two hooking up?" "Is it like a girlfriend that you guys are trying to keep it on the down low?" (The last one is an actual quote from the 7/23 show!!!) The answers to these questions are the point of the whole segment! Just ask!

How did we spend 3+ years handling this segment so badly? Carrie, that's how.

As I was just about to write all of the above, I went to look for a link for Carrie Moten and found out ... Carrie actually was fired. Or she moved on. Whatever.

Anyway, kudos to you, Special K. You have taken Roses miles from where it was in the course of 2 segments.

Mental note: next post must be about fantasy football or oil changes or crushing beer cans on my forehead in order to maintain some semblance of manliness.

It's gonna take a montage ...

2009-08-02T09:19:00.006-07:00

... a Vegas birthday montage. What happens in Vegas is chopped up and then put back together with The Whitest Boy Alive as the backing track and then published on YouTube. Behold! Oh and check out some pics too if ya like.

The Bachelorette Musings - Jillian - Season Finale

2009-07-27T20:26:00.006-07:00

Sup. I skipped over "The Men Tell All" cuz I heard Wes was booked putting on a concert for his adoring fans in Chihuahua, Mexico. Ergo, I'm out. Onto the finale! If you really think about it, could this franchise's track history make their finales any less climactic? All we'll learn tonight is who Jillian will date for 6 months before they break up, right? ANYWAY I guess watching the train wreck unfold is what it's all about.

Tonight's questions: will Ed wear his green shorts again? Does Kiptyn have a 12 pack or a 24 pack? Will Ed be able to give Jillian the "passion she deserves?"* Let's find out.

Apparently tonight is the most emotional season finale ever, but I still don't think it will top the most dramatic outside shot of a hotel room light turning on ever from the last episode. Ah, memories.
In a show filled with "journeys," "connections," and "staying true to yourself," what exactly does "slaying dragons" mean? Is Wes the dragon? Or maybe she means Ed's pride?
[Gasp!] White pants!
Jill to Ed: "Do you wanna tell everyone our story?" Ed: "Let me start." Jill: "Okay you start." Me: "Yeah, that's what 'do YOU wanna tell everyone our story' means. You don't need to ask to start when someone requests a story directly from you."
You know what's fun? Job interviews -- er, I mean, a conversation with Peggy. Oh wait, same thing.
Hey, Peggy. 1) I think you're a robot. 2) How 'bout you slow down your blinking subroutine?
Anyone else notice that the family went equally apeshit for Jillian's arrival on both her family dates? Seriously what's with the squeal from Jill on both days and the hopping from the cousin? And what's with Peggy remaining emotionless and seated on the couch during the Ed/Jill arrival and then standing and hugging for the Kiptyn/Jill arrival?
You know what Jillian has here in this episode? She's got "the choice to choose between two guys." Couldn't have said it better myself, Peggy.
Seriously what is WRONG with Peggy? Why is she not facing Kiptyn on the couch and instead facing forward and rotating her head 100 degrees to her right? I used to like Canada, but this woman is giving me serious doubts.
How old is the Cousin Tory? 24? 38? 34? 27? 43? There are very few ages you could throw at me that would result in me blinking.
Do the producers of the bachelor understand that it is possible to go on a date that doesn't involve a helicopter ride? I'm pretty sure I'd be bored on a helicopter ride at this point.
She's picking Kiptyn. No way she doesn't. The chick that took the so-called "bad ass" Wes all the way to the top 5 ... is going to pick the dude that is playing hard to get. And that dude is Kiptyn.
See what they did? See what they did there? They showed the hotel room light turning OFF! And then they showed a volcano erupting! Kaboom! And then they showed a train going into a tunnel! Slam-zam! And then they showed a hot dog going into bun! Shame on you, ABC! This is a family show!
Nice to see they put the two dudes up at different hotels. Wouldn't want to have a "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" scenario on our hands ... or would we? Mental note made for next season.
If you fell asleep or walked the dog or entered into an extremely short term coma during the 20 minutes between the end of Kiptyn's date and Jillian's arrival at the final decision spot, let me catch you up ... I had some yogurt. It was good.
Well I'll be gd'd, Jillian. You're the first chick ever to dump lil' Kippy. Well done.
I'd pay a decent chunk of money to see Jill take a wrong step on the bridge and go head first into the pool. At least it would break up the most boring hour in bachelorette history.
Bigger twist? Reid showing back up in Hawaii? Or Reid showing back up in Hawaii wearing those ridiculous shoes?
Reid's following one of those age old mantras: if a girl rejects you, wait for her to have two overnight dates with other dudes and then propose wearing no tie and ridiculous shoes. Tale as old as time.
Just when you thought getting the boot on the last episode was embarrasing, eh, Reid?
How horrible is it that I'm giggling as Reid drives away? I mean those shoes were just ridiculous! No, but seriously shoes aside ... ridiculous.
Jillian drops the f bomb for the crane shot. Pretty endearing there, Canada. Well done.
ED! Purple tie! Sup, dude. Here's what I would have said if I were Chris Harrison: "Holy shit, ED! Dude, you have no fracking idea what has gone down here today. Man, seriously this is crazy times! Uh, that is a ... that's a purple tie there, my man. Anyway, for real, you really have no idea. Man you're lucky. Now get the f out there!" [pat on the ass]
Just after the proposal, cut to Chris Harrison: "Play them out, Wes!" How great would that have been?

Well ... another finale, another let down compared to Big Swayze. Good effort, Jillian. Good effort.

*When they say passion, they mean boner.

PS ... looks like the Simmons household agrees with me. Check the timing of my tweets vs. theirs.

The Bachelorette Musings: The Final 3 in Hawaii with Jillian

2009-07-13T21:23:00.005-07:00

Well, what better way to spend my last hours of twenty-dom than with the triumphant return of the musings! None, says I. I missed the first 10 minutes thanks to the lovely service at Fry's Pharmacy, but I think it's safe to say I didn't miss out on the moment that all the previews seem to be hinting at ... yeah, that moment. Before it happens, let's just reel off some jokes, shall we?

It's the limpest moment in bachelorette history! Kaboom!
Yes, we choose to forego our individual rooms tonight ... and any chance of arousal. Pazing!!
Jillian. Gentlemen, this is the final boner tonight! Zang!
Gentlemen, I'm sorry. Take a moment. Say your goodbyes ... to getting it on! Kuh-zingo!!
Ed, do you accept this Viagra? Cuz you seem to need it. Zorp!!
Fantasy suite? More like can't-asy suite! Hello!

Okay, onto the show ...

While I appreciated Jillian's rejection of all fantasy suite cards last week, have there always been dub-fantasy-suite opportunities in a given season? I mean, if the chick holds out on one fantasy suite, but not on the next, does that still count as holding out?
Jillian's aboot / about comes and goes like Cruise's German accent in Valkyrie.
Jillian's dress for her outdoor date with Reid looks like a gray top with a yellow skirt ... but it isn't! It's totally a two-tone dress. It's not a skirt/top at all. I'm serious. It's like a hypercolor and those Magic Eye paintings from the mall got together and had a baby. A dress baby.
Reid: "This'll be my first helicopter ride." Jillian: "This'll be like my 5th helicopter ride ... televised ... on ABC."
Helicopter pastor? As Puck from The Real World says, if you get married on a helicopter, you stay on the helicopter. Too obscure of a quote? I agree.
Jillian confirms the answers to her questions way too much. "Did you have fun today? Yeah?" "Did the marriage talk on the helicopter make you nervous? It did?" "Is it insanely hard to figure out if I'm cute or not? Is it?"
Last chance to nominate me while I'm in my 20s! 866-739-3150! Oops, too late.
Is Ed a big Magnum P.I. fan or are those shorts really short? Like Stockton short.
Holy crap, Ed. This is some boring times. Did y'all catch my 10-minute-road-trip music video? Much more exciting than meeting Ed's parents.
Woah! Jillian. That is quite the white out-of-the-bathroom top-thingy you've got there.
Okay, so "I couldn't show Jillian that I really, truly love her" = shoulda ordered up some Cialis from room service, right? Way to keep it ambiguous there, ABC.
Yeah, but, Ed ... did you do IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTT!!!?!?!?
If there's one thing you should know about these videos that the guys prepared for you, it's that they're private. Very private to be exact. So private that only you and eventually all of America will see them.
Is Jillian a robot? Did she just have a reboot or something? "Ed, I do. Have con-ssserns. That I ffffeel like are getting. In the way. Of my. Deh-ssssision." Run that tape back and laugh.
Ed and KG agree: anything is possible.

Well, that was sufficiently boring. Next week does not look bad. Hopefully Wes wasn't previously booked for a show in Chihuahua, Mexico.

Road Trip!

2009-07-07T07:59:00.008-07:00

So Ando and I took a road trip to all these places.

There are lots of pictures. And now there's video.

Luke's iPhone headphones / earbuds review

2009-07-06T21:27:00.006-07:00

I have owned a lot of headphones.

A lot.

I figured I could use my spending for good and review them here. Let's go.

Earbuds in ascending order of goodness

Sony MDR in-ear headphones ~$25	These are good as far as comfort and sound goes. Don't buy the ones with the cord extender. The extender thing is heavy and weighs on your ear. Without the extender, the cord is too short.
V-Moda Vibe II Earbud Headset with Microphone ~$120	These have great sound, but the iPhone control is cased in steel and hangs where the two earbud cords meet. Another set with a pet peeve for me: weighty microphone and iPhone control.
Sony MDR wrap-around earbuds ~$40	These are basically the same earbuds as above except without the cord extender and with the wrap around. I prefer these to the ones above. Same great sound.
Apple In-Ear Headphones with Remote and Mic ~$80	These have the latest and best iPhone control: play, pause, fast-forward, and volume up/down. The comfort is great. The problem for me was that the sound was just not the full sound I was looking for. Maybe they didn't fit my ears right. I got them for my dad and he digs 'em a lot.
V-Moda Vibe Duo Earbuds ~$60	These are the best earbuds I've ever owned in terms of sound. I wear these every day when I'm working out. Only problem is no iPhone control/microphone.
iPhone Stereo Headset ~$30	After all my searching, I ended up with the latest "standard" iPhone buds (which now come with the iPhone 3GS). I prefer the sound of these to the in-ear (allegedly superior sounding) Apple buds above. And the weight of the mic/control is perfect (aka not noticeable) plus the latest ones have volume up/down compared to the old fast-forward/pause only.

My cans review soon to come ...

Amateur Improv: Johnjay and Rich - War of the Roses

2009-06-22T22:14:00.003-07:00

So Ando and I drove around the SD/Wyoming/Colorado area (pictures forthcoming) and eventually we listened to some Johnjay & Rich / War of the Roses podcasts. If you're not familiar, check some 'casts here. Trust me, it will add to the ridiculousness below.

Eventually our love/hate for this segment could not be contained and we engaged in some grade-A first take amateur improv. It was so good we got pulled over for DWI - driving while IMPROV'ING! BOOM! No no no, no arrests. The cop let us off cuz it he thought it was gd hilarious! Zing! I kid I kid. Here goes nothin' ...

The Bachelorette Musings - Hot Dog Jillian - Season Premiere

2009-05-18T20:10:00.008-07:00

Well ... here goes nothing. It's my BS bullet points against the Sports Gal's tweets. (2,000 followers already!) You be the judge. This should also be interesting cuz I only know what I skimmed regarding the most shocking season in Bachelor history!

Jillian, I don't even know you, but 1) you run weird and 2) you drop the cliches with the best of them: "open my heart", "let my walls down", "I don't give an s what he puts on his hot dog." Er. Wait.
Just re-read last season's premiere blog. Looks like I was then referring to Jillian as 'Canada.' I think we can do better than that this season.
Who had 9 minutes in the breakdancing footage pool? You win.
We're 5 dudes in and they're all douches. One of them just said "I'm a catch because I just graduated from law school and I'm an attorney at law."
Look, people. If you think Jake is trying to be an average pilot ... well, I mean, you're just dead wrong. He's looking to be an artist pilot ... or a pilot artist. I don't quite get it but he's trying to make art out of flying single prop planes I guess.
See, the problem with being named Kiptyn ... is that Google has you by the balls. Case in point. And just in case he deletes it, I screen capped the pig shot.
I just spent the entire Harrison interview Googling Kyptin. I assume it was the standard bs: looking for Mr. Right, how did it feel to get owned by Jason, hyperbole hyperbole hyperbole.
It's not flying, okay? It's aviation. Only average pilots say flying.
First impression by John from Boise in a word: hammered.
What are you saying about yourself when you're Brad the financial advisor and your first move is to dust your shoulders off? Dandruff problem? Fan of Jay-Z?
Okay, the word of the day is ... cool. Jillian says cool 0.9 times per meet and greet.
I like how the spray down of the side walk for dramatic effect has ruined Jillian's dress. I blame you, Harrison.
Holy shit. I thought I had ABC on a typo, but apparently not: restaurateur is a word. Are there other words where I can just leave out random letters while maintaining the word's meaning?
Jillian, seriously stop saying cool.
Kyle, I think I already said it once, but you're a douche.
Steve, YOU'RE a douche. I take back everything I said about Kyle.
If I ever appear on the Bachelorette and get my own Spanish guitar riff as I emerge from the limo, kill me. My life is complete.
Greg, YOOOOOOOOU'RE a douche!!! Kyle and Steve, you've been entirely out-douched.
How much would I pay for Harrison to go hyperbolic with the word "douchiest?"
Her dress is fully ruined. It's like she's wearing a mop around her feet.
There's a developing epidemic on the Bachelor/Bachelorette: the "I don't mean to be rude, but can I steal him/her" move. Is there anything that can be done about this? Should anything be done about this? There may or may not be hours of debate waiting for us.
This guy's name is Tanner F? 1) Giggle. 2) Does this mean there's two dudes named Tanner on this show?
That's Juan from Santa MONicaaaaaaaaaa!! (This joke was not meant for everyone.)
One of the out-douched just drew on Jillian's finger. And she's eating it up. I did not see that coming.
Guitar guy kinda makes me miss LeeLee from way back and all her horrificness.
Okay, look, I'm a man. I'm 40. Come at me, etc. With all that said, Breakin' 2: Mike from Astoria seems to be a legit cool dude. But actually cool, not the played out cool that Jillian keeps using.
The guy with the worst first impression ever knows random ass stats about first impressions? In all seriousness, what are the chances?
Speaking of stats, the most insignificant twist in Bachelor history gets an unreasonable response. Your chances dropping from 1/25 to 1/30 does not equate to bombs being dropped.
I just realized I am directly in the age range of all these dudes. I just stared at a blinking cursor for 60 seconds here. There are no words.
Attention, everyone. I have important news. The other Tanner's last initial is P! Best Bachelorette season ever.
Here's what those hamsters jamming out in that Soul car haven't considered: keep up the cruising and all your peers are gonna be in way better shape than you.
Trying to look at it objectively, I think being one of the last 5 proved to be decidedly advantageous.
Apparently the Sports Guy lied about the Sports Gal's twitter binge.
Number of rose ceremony shots of dudes I swear never got out of the limo: 5.
Number of guys that received a rose that I swear never got out of the limo: 10.
Yes! F and P both make it to next week! F! P!
The first time ever where I might have actually needed Chris' help with the rose count. That was a shit load of roses.
All 3 of the douches get the axe. Well done, Jillian. I guess Jillian has good douche-dar? Too far? Probably.
Man, Steve is a douche. He would have left a better impression if he ripped his shirt off and howled like a coyote.
I spent the entire happy portion of "this season on The Bachelorette" looking forward to the moment when the music turned ominous. You're so lovably predictable, Bachelorette.

Summer TV, people. It's pretty good okay.

The Mrs. Buttersworth Name Contest. It's About Time.

2009-05-17T18:02:00.005-07:00

Kevin and Bean recently turned me on to this: http://mrsbutterworthsyrup.com/namecontest/

Let me start by saying yes, I'm as excited as you are. Let's just compose ourselves though and look at this rationally, shall we?

1. This is the best URL you could get?

Typically "vanity" URLs like this are meant to be quick and short so that people can type it in from memory. With that in mind, you went with mrsbutterworthsyrup.com instead of just mrsbutterworth.com (which you own)? And on top of that you went with /namecontest instead of just /contest or /name? My curiosity led me to my 2nd point ...

2. This isn't their only active contest.

They have not one, but TWO other active contests. What does this say about their target demographic? Apparently if you love syrup enough to go to a syrup website, you are extremely likely to then want to a) burn calories on stories about a bottle of liquid sugar, b) do arts and flipping crafts on behalf of Mrs. B and c) "guess" the name of a fictitious animated talking female glass bottle with no legs. One of these ridiculous wastes of time just isn't enough to satisfy people that love syrup so much they have to turn to the Internet in between trying to induce themselves into a sugar coma every morning.

3. Win BIG!

What's "BIG!", you ask? Lucky for you, I read the rules.

BIG! = A year's supply of syrup + $500 = 1 case of syrup ($550 value) + $500

In other words, "BIG!" is a grand except it's as though you are required to spend half of your winnings on flipping syrup.

And while we're here, a year's worth of syrup = a case? Isn't that something like 24 bottles? 24 bottles of syrup? In a year? Holy balls, people. Can you imagine the average weight of the people entering this contest if they're taking down 24 bottles of syrup per year? No wonder they have time to enter in 3 syrup contests. They can use their 3 hours per day on the treadmill to "guess" Mrs. B's name.

4. "Guess" Mrs. Butterworth's first name? Honestly.

I did a little more research and found that Mrs. Butterworth was originally created in 1961 and, according to the marketing geniuses that created this contest, she had a name this whole time, but I guess they felt they'd sell more sugar sauce if Mrs. B maintained a certain sense of mystery? And now, I guess, is the time to give everyone what they've been waiting for. Now that she's 48 and well into the cougar era, it's time for Mrs. Butterworth to become ... Tina Butterworth? Jane Butterworth? Esther Butterworth? Charisma Butterworth? Whatever the name is, I know I'll be lining up for more sucrose juice and I'll be telling my kids about 2009, the year that the 48-year old mystery was solved.

5. Read the rules or you might get burned.

Who is entering a contest about naming a cartoon food product and using obscene language? "Dear Mrs. B, Thanks for all your f'ing awesome syrup. Seriously pancakes would be s without your gd complimentary f'ing goodness. S. Seriously, Mrs. B. You're the s. F. Is your first name Gertrude?"

On the off chance I win, anyone know if there's a market for cases of syrup on ebay?

P.S. Is Aunt Jemima / Mrs. Butterworth the first weird combination of two nearly identical products coming out at once? Did the likes of Deep Impact / Armageddon and The Prestige / The Illusionist realize there's always room for 2 of everything based on the ongoing success of two bottles of syrup modeled after motherly females?

Yes, this is what I did with my Sunday evening.

Snowboarding in Mammoth

2009-03-08T23:20:00.004-07:00

Pardon the self indulgence. I had bigger ideas for this video, but couldn't figure out how to do it in iMovie. Instead ... non-stop sound effects!

The Internet remains awesome

2009-02-08T18:25:00.008-07:00

My quest to keep stats on absolutely everything I do is one step closer to complete now that Berg clued me into gyminee.com.

My self made Google spreadsheet ...

Has officially been replaced with my gyminee.com profile.

This site is what iTunes is to music management, what mint.com is to financial management. Plus it's got an iPhone version of the site for on-the-go tracking.

The Bachelor Diaries - The Jason Edition - Episode 5

2009-02-08T15:19:00.005-07:00

After a 10 minute break to collect myself and realize I'm going to Hell for not saying a single nice think about Nikki, I'm back. Who's up for casual making out ... now with Ty sleeping in the next room? Bonus!

Nervous Texas keeps all her roses in a zip lock baggy? I'm not only NOT weirded out by this, but I'm amazed it took this many seasons to see it. Every chick on the show ever has done this, right?
I'm 14 minutes in and this is all I've got. It's the most boring episode of The Bachelor ever!
When Nervous Texas asked if she could bring her stretchy pants, I couldn't help but think of this.
Never before have 4 girls been jealous of a girl who drove herself to a dude's house, did the dishes and then sat on the couch waiting.
I think Stephanie is wearing a white fur vest hoodie ... for those times when your arms are warm, your chest is cold, and you know you won't be coming in contact with any PETA types.
A blind kissing test? We've reached new heights in casual kissing for The Bachelor.
And then he nails the test? As a woman, are you happy or pissed that he knows your kiss and 2 other woman's kisses that well?
They're openly (and amicably) discussing their jealousies of the other girls? It's weirding me out. Apparently Nikki took all the cat claws with her when she left the show.
Jillian really says "aboot". I'm having a hard time speculating how I'd feel about being face to face with the #1 go-to Canadian dialect cliche.
When Jason asks "if we go to your hometown, who would I meet?" ... I mean, you're in, right. He may as well have just given you a rose, no?
Did Naomi the flight attendant from Carlsbad, CA just pull out "un poquito"?
I really should have an "amazing" count going with Jason. He's picked up on The Bachelor tradition.
Wow, Naomi really liked her date. Single-prop planes and rock walls are the key to Naomi's heart. Either that or she's so desperate for a 1-on-1 date that she would have taken a trip to Taco Bell and reruns of Carpoolers.
This season is suddenly from the twilight zone. Four of the ladies are sitting in the bathroom drinking beer and (again) amicably discussing all of their pros and cons when it comes to landing Jason. I bet the producers are pissed.
I'm glad that Jill and Jason got scones and lattes prior to just chatting and making out the entire time.
Seriously, what is with that shirt/tie, Jason? It looks like "Pink Elephants on Parade" ... except more psychadelic.
Okay, I'll say it. I will happily date Jill, Melissa or Molly if Jason guns them down. Am I wrong or are they all generally the bee's knees? See? This season just turned crazy. I'm talking about how much I LIKE the girls ... 3 of them!
Seriously, they're cheering each other on DURING the rose ceremony! Up is down. Down is up. This season on The Bachelor: Anarchy Reigns!
Since I'm bored, have you heard Christian Bale's freak out? And the remix that followed? Masterpieces both, says I.
Awwwww, sorry, Steph. You got the boot. But hey at least he got your hopes up by saying yours was the best date he went on! Misdirection FTW!
Okay, even I'll give it up. The chick is amazing ... if only for genuinely saying thank you to the most ridiculous compliment-while-being-dumped ever: "You're the most amazing person I've ever met." Yeah, clearly, Jason.
Please! Someone at least mention the shirt/tie. It's like the circus puked all over his chest, right?
It's official, Stephanie the Medical Marketing Manager from Huntsville, AL, you have the best outlook on life ever. You are ... the anti-Nikki.

Wow, next week (and by next week I mean tomorrow) is looking up. Thank you, Naomi's crazy mom and her dead dove that is in need of a wake.

P.S. This is officially the bizarro-season. The outtro just showed two of the girls re-enacting the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene. There are no cat claws, the girls cheer each other on, and the girl that got the boot just left with more dignity than she came in with! What is going on!?

The Bachelor Diaries - The Jason Edition - Episode 4

2009-02-08T12:46:00.005-07:00

Well here I am after putting in a crap load of hours at work over the last month. I was ready to do a marathon and get all caught up before I discovered that neither my DVR nor ABC.com has the week 3 episode available ... so we're jumping straight to week 4.

Let's start off by seeing what I missed. I'm guessing a combination of kissing and cat claws ... hopefully not at the same time.

Nervous Texas had a breast reduction? I have no idea what that means. I mean, I understand the effect of the procedure that she took. But I don't know what that means. Ya know? (what I mean?)
Woah! Natalie just said that only the big man upstairs is eligible to not be attracted to her? Wow. Unrelated note: have you ever heard someone say something not conceited after saying "I don't mean to sound conceited"? No. It's the one guarantee that you are about to hear something COMPLETELY conceited.
Looks like Stick-Up-Her-Butt girl is maintaining the status quo. Well done. I can appreciate consistency.
Beyond all that, it looks like I missed some boobie silhouettes. Shoot.

Aaaaaaand I'm all caught up.

So apparently we have a new tradition: the on-the-spot-song. Great.
What's this? Control freak girl has trouble thinking quickly and potentially embarrassing herself? Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking.
By the way, Lauren saying she knows a little about making music ... you could say that (or you could let her MySpace account do the talking for you).
Seriously, is there anything likeable about Nikki? "That 2-on-1 date is like death." Good times, Nikki.
Am I the only one who laughed when Nikki said "I literally want to cry" as the started crying? Next time, you can just start crying. We get the picture.
Molly was loaned some of Jason's comfy clothes ... which is apparently exactly her style. Which style is that exactly? Loaner clothes? Dude clothes? Comfy clothes? You like comfy clothes, Molly? A recent study revealed that 83% of people prefer clothes that are as rigid, itchy and awkward-fitting as possible. Weirdo.
"First girl in bachelor history to have the walk of shame." I can appreciate owning up to that.
Side note: why didn't Molly get her clothes before going home? Couldn't swing by the closet on the way from the tent to the car?
Wait. I missed out on the Tooth Nazi talking to Jason while crying and vomiting? How did that scene not make the recap?
Man, it would have really been something to hit Nikki with improv singing and improv acting gigs back to back. Even though I'm looking forward to "death" on the 2-on-1 date, this would have been great too.
I'll say it again. Stick-up-her-butt lacrosse coach is twenty-fracking-five years old? I can't comprehend. Can we do some research on her Danny Almonte style?
Oh! Jip. The "couple of hoo-errs" line is scripted? I was excited to see that unfold.
"Feels like a real Hollywood set" you say, Jason? Probably because it is an ACTUAL Hollywood set, dude.
Nervous Texas says "I think Naomi got to kiss Jason about 11 times in their scene and it got harder and harder and harder ..." That's what she said ... "to watch." Oh, you ruined it.
Seriously, try to process this. Nervous Texas and Stick-Up-Her-Butt are the same age. Not possible.
I really appreciate the cut back to the house so that Nikki can start crying about nothing. It had been about 4 minutes. The girl has a skill. She can turn anything into a weepy pity party. 2-on-1 date? Death. 11 year relationship? Should be married with a kid by now. Basket full of kittens? They'll die some day.
Perfect response to "I only want the rose if you wanna give it to me." ... "I hear you." I mean, you can't argue with that. Let's go the judges: 9, 9.5, 10, 9, and an precedented 10 from the German judge. A near-perfect score in the medal round of Question Dodging.
Holy crap. There's 40 minutes left in this episode? I'm kinda glad I missed week 3.
I actually feel bad for the Tooth Nazi. Watching a woman totally break down ... not good times. At least she was keen enough to realize she just got rejected.
OMG Nikki is a downer! I can't imagine that there's even an ounce of fun to be had with this girl. "Get ready to dance the night away!" ... "yay." Shoot me in the face. And I'm just watching her on TV. Can you imagine dating her?
Remember, ladies, if you're looking for a dude that stays in the box, Jason is not your guy. Don't look at me. He said it. Unrelated rant: the metaphorical "box" is more played out than the metaphorical "end of the day". There is no box any more, people. The box is gone. No one is thinking IN the box anymore. Hence, thinking out of the box has lost all meaning. Just end it.
My mind was just blown. Apparently dancing (of all things) is a good metaphor for a relationship. I'm having trouble following along, but apparently in both dancing and relationships ... sometimes you lead ... and sometimes ... you FOLLOW? Huh? I think this dance coach is some kind of transcendent mind because I'm usually pretty quick to pick up on stuff like this, but ... leading AND following? In both dancing AND relationships? Too clever for me.
One thing Nikki has going for her: she can do choreographed dancing! And all she needs is ... (wait for it) ... weeks or flipping MONTHS to prepare. Talented AND fun loving? I just can't get enough of this girl!
Nikki takes a whole new angle on desperation. She pretty much just said that Stephanie should be taken out of the running because she already had a husband. Dead or not. A husband is still a husband. And once you have one, you gotsta move to the back of the line, girlfriend! How can Jason NOT just propose to this girl right now?
In case all my ridiculous conclusions and capital letters haven't made it obvious, re-read my last few posts out loud while applying the most sarcastic tone you could possibly imagine. Hell, read everything in a super sarcastic tone. It's more fun that way anyway.
You'd think I'd be happy now that Nikki got the boot, but I'm even more angry. "You should never ever change?" Yes, you should. "I loved it. Every minute of it." No, you didn't. Are both of these people taking crazy pills!?
This is unreal. She won't stop. "I don't know how much smarter I could get or how much prettier I could get?" A) Yeah, he dumped you because of your lack of intelligence. If you had just known the answer to 14-across in the Sunday crossword, you'd still be in here. Next time, I'm sure you'll hit the vocab harder and land your true love! B) How can you be this conceited whilst being dumped? You don't know HOW you can get smarter? Are you actually trying to say you have nothing left to learn? 100% unlikeable. Nikki.
Okay, enough with Nikki. Back to ripping on Jason. How is he seriously into Stephanie while also being into chicks like Lauren and Melissa? I can't imagine more different females.
Okay, is Jason the biggest mack (aka man-whore) that The Bachelor has ever known? Kissing at the end of one-on-one dates used to be a big deal. This dude makes out with each and every girl at the rose ceremony! I can't figure out how I feel about this.
I don't know what to say about Lauren other than ... her approach to this show is unprecedented ... Don't bother asking, just TELL the dude what to say, think, feel and do. It's bizarre. Again, I don't know how to react.
Harrison! Where ya been all episode, buddy? Maybe your presence could have saved me from spending 90% of this blog ripping on a girl I don't even know.
"Ladies, Jason, in case you have the short term memory of the guy from Memento, in the last 90 seconds, you handed out 2 of the 3 roses you have to hand out ... so this is your last one. 3 minus 2 equals 1. Got it? Awesome."
How about this ... Jason takes a page from Big Swayze's book and rejects them all I'll admit it. I didn't see it coming.
All of their departures were unremarkable ... which I guess is remarkable since the Tooth Nazi was primed for a freak out for sure.

Next week, Jason wears the worst tie/shirt combo in Bachelor history. Yet ANOTHER page stolen from Big Swayze. How dare he.

The Bachelor Diaries - The Jason Edition - Episode 2

2009-01-12T20:34:00.008-07:00

Okay, we're back. It's episode 2 which is where Jason really starts to get to understand how many bad decisions he made. Were there any girls that Jason really shouldn't have gotten rid of? Did he judge some of his 25 possible mates too quickly? Is someone watching Ty?

Who cares!? No time to dilly dally. Episode 2. Go. Now.

The recap of the recap features Jason scrubbing down his biceps in the shower. Should I admit to not doing this? Is this an understood staple of shower hygiene? How dirty can one's biceps get that they need specific scrubbing time.
Also, I think Ty just winked. Kid's got skills. Or a nervous tick. One or the other. Yeah yeah, I know. I've just been formally invited to 13 Beelzebub Place, Hellburg, Hell, 66666.
I'll steal a bit from Adam Carolla when I ask about the vision board ... why do you have to cut the words out of magazines? If you write out the words in your own fancy font, is the board null and void? Is this some strange ploy for Oprah to sell more copies of her magazines?
Apparently later ... brace yourselves, people. The claws are gonna come out. Say it ain't so, Harrison!
Speaking of Harrison, the dude is rocking a blog that puts mine to shame. Seriously, you must read this.
So after the ladies check out the house (and Nervous Texas tries out the bath tub with no water and full clothes), Chris asks "So what did you think of the house?" ... Ladies: "ye-wow-woo-gre-beau-awe-wee-oooo". "Is it gonna work out for ya?" ... "sur-ye-uh-defi-blur-you-dammit-big-time-jlar-yep." I'm pretty sure that's an exact quote.
Step 1: hot dog topping test. Step 2: chicken fight in the pool. Step 3: marriage. Just try to deny that logic. It's like ready, set, go. Or uno, dos, tres. Or 29-year-old male, dating reality show, running diary blog.
Ok, the default rose girl ... she needs to relax. You got your rose. The girls are threatened by you. Move on.
Unnamed blonde girl quizzed Jason on the 3 branches of government? This is what constitutes stimulating conversation? Hey Jason, ready to get crazy? What's the capital of Vermont? No wait. Let's notch it up. A squared + B squared equals what? OMG, we are off the chain, right? This is B-A-N-A-N-A-S bananas! Quizzes!
So you girls actually use the hold-the-article-of-clothing-up-against-your-body as an actual way to determine the level of flattery of said article of clothing? What can that possibly accomplish?
I'll give it up for Robin Thicke's band. They are feeling it considering they're performing for a raging audience of ... two. People. Two people. Seriously, though, as an audience member what do I do when I represent half of the entire audience? Do I make eye contact with the band members? Do I not? Do I bob my head? Do I need to make sure I split time looking at each band member?
I'll say again. Wow, Robin Thicke. You are perFORming for 2 people like no one ever has.
Wait. Default pissed off rose girl is a LaCrosse Coach? Is there a profession that could tell someone less about what to expect from someone's personality? Perfume developer? Wig shop owner? Marine Biologist?
So, when the Goodyear blimp appears on the Bachelor and becomes the most complicated and expensive magic 8-ball ever, who's paying who? Does Goodyear pay the Bachelor for the exposure? Or does ABC pay Goodyear to stoop to such a low? Or is this some sort of shot across the bow of the Firestone clan?
Hey Jason, Seacrest is gonna be pissed when he sees you wearing his t-shirt/vest comboooooooooo. All 4 feet 8 inches of him is gonna go into a little miniature rage all over you. (Oh, c'mon, everbody's doing it. Try it. It's fun.)
I'll say this for Nikki, the girl who is coming off an 11-year relationship and has only kissed that dude since she was 17 ... if she takes kissing as seriously as she says ... well, Jason takes kissing ... jokingly ... [cough]-he'skissingeveryone-[cough]-ahem!
P.S. I just blew my own mind when I realized I'm the same age as Nikki. Is that how I'm supposed to act as a 29-year-old?
Okay, the girl that chatted with Jason after the widower ... the girl who decided to go home to be with her family ... I've never seen that girl before. I'm serious. Who are you?

Woops, my DVR thought that the 8:30-9 block was "Samantha Who?" I'll have to finish this off when they post it online tomorrow. Until then ... kisses are serious business, people. I'm 29. I should know.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're back. I believe I signed off just as the cat claws were being extended ...

As far as drama goes, this was pretty weak. I did enjoy that what's-her-face declared that she wanted clarification because she "deserved it." Talk about stating the obvious, Megan. You're entitled. You're entitled to ... clarification. Don't you let anyone keep it from you, girl!
Jason just used the word "alluded". I'm pretty confident in saying this is a Bachelor/Bachelorette first.
Who was the one girl that actually responded to Harrison's "good evening"?
Ugh! Megan gets a rose and sorta keeps up the tradition with "stop it right now". I really would have preferred "burn in hell, fatties!" Another week of her projecting general malaise at everyone. Great.
I don't think the widower has moved her head yet -- oh wait, she got a rose and then showed us every tendon she has in her neck.
In terms of presenting himself to America, Jason seems to be doing a good job of picking all the young cuties while peppering in some single moms and other good "stories". Right? While we're here, I think Ando makes a point that kissing 4 girls in one episode may be a record ... especially this early.
Oh. The job quitter bites the dust. That's gotta sting. Hopefully unemployment covers the flight home. Try this on your next job interview: "I quite the Bachelor to come to this interview!"

Next week. Shocker! Default Rose is still pissed. At everyone. Great. Plus, what's that running down the beach? It's your kid, widower! Just the drama I'm looking for in an online dating reality show.

I miss Big Swayze and Hillary.

Prelude to a Marathon

2009-01-11T13:27:00.005-07:00

Warning: this post is entirely self indulgent. There's a 98% chance this will only be interesting to me.

So I have my 4th marathon coming up in a week - The Phoenix Rock 'n' Roll Marathon. Most of last year's training was done in Peru. This meant my lungs got a great work out, but the number of long distance runs I could do was lacking.

This year's training has been hampered by ... well, general laziness. I haven't done one run prior to 9am in order to avoid the cold (i.e. no week day runs) and I've been working a lot (60-65 hour weeks) and I had a badly timed (as far as marathon training is concerned) trip to Aspen.

With all that said, I'm going to be extremely interested to see how things go next week. For now, let's have a look at ...

Last year's "long" training run 2 weeks before the marathon:

This year's "long" training run 1 week before the marathon:

And a total comparison of the 3 months leading into the race:

I'll post again in a week-ish to compare the actual marathons.

The Bachelor Diaries - The Jason Edition - Season Premiere

2009-01-06T22:17:00.005-07:00

So I didn't even think I was going to have time to do this thing. In fact, I thought I had missed the premiere because I hadn't set my DVR. But then it turns out my DVR loves me and had taped it. And then I started the thing while eating dinner. And I wasn't 15 seconds in before I was bitching about Newnan to my roommate Dave. I paused it, ate my dinner and here we are.

You know the drill. Snarky snarky here we go.

"Are we Greek?" F Newnan. F that girl. "Are we Greek?" No, WE are not. You are, Pappas. P.S. did you hear that Jesse shredded his last gnar all over her face? Yeah, they broke up.
While we're going down memory lane ... You're my boy, Jessie! Gnar! We miss you Big Swayze. So. So. Much. Okay, on with the Jason edition.
Wow, dude is veiny. Gah.
"Ty's not gonna be around for the whole thing, but he'll be here for the start. We'll probably send him home before I start sealing all kinds of deals. Chicks love veins."
How many times in his life has Ty been called "buddy"? I put the over/under at 47 billion.
Whoever had 2:48 in the pool for the first Harrison hyperbole, you win ... "the most romantic season ever."
There is no way that any less than 100% of these girls worked out on the day of the first party.
"I'm a tooth Nazi. Ha ha ha ha." Uh, yeah, okay. Glad one of us is laughing.
Dominique. It was over before it started.
Melissa (Cowboy cheerleader) ... uh, nice work, camera 2. Good gravy, don't make it obvious or anything.
Yes! We have our first drop-dead-obvious nickname: Vision Board! BTW, did you hear that Oprah's fat again? OMG it's crazy times! Right!?!? She was fat once. And then skinny. And now fat again!
"I handle bitches with a slap," says Naomi. Well, I mean, duh. As if anyone ever handled bitches via some other method.
I'll give it to Jason for being original. He's somehow both nervous AND excited about the party. Is this guy dynamic or what?
Yes, drink, ladies. Drink that sweet, sweet champagne. We'll all thank you kindly for it in a few hours.
Carrie from Kansas is wearing pink eye shadow. There's just no getting around it.
The salsa dance has me cringing like mad. It's too much. Too much, salsa girl.
Stacia, the 24 year old mother of 2 from Utah ... no comment.
Nikki from Chicago ... eyes up here, Jason! Up here!!!
The cringing returns with golfing girl from Michigan. Thanks for that.
So when a Brazilian girl laughs awkwardly after you tell her you know a little bit of Spanish, that's her way of being too embarrassed to tell you they speak Portuguese in Brazil.
Wow, I really dislike Dominique. Her puff piece had the 100% opposite effect than I imagine the producers would have hoped.
And the Tooth Nazi claims the cringe grand prize with the fake teeth. Great work.
"The most shocking twist in Bachelor history" is apparently upcoming. Breathe it in, people.
Great moments in local news: "A rocker is helping out a politician ... at 10." I'm not making this up, people! Who could possibly turn away from such a story?
These ladies are serious. They just did a tequila shot with pops Jason.
Fun fact, Jason has the same birthday as my boy, Lubs. Thanks for the knowledge, Tooth Nazi.
Jason, if you and your veins ever want to do anything for me ... boot Dominique. Boot her now. How about the first impression booting? Can we install that as the new shocking twist?
Anyone wondering how to immediately weird out a dude, here's your answer: "I actually resigned from my job to be here."
Canada is actually making hot dogs? What is that all aboot? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh I kill me. Good times.
I will say this with no sense of irony at all. Mustard is exactly the right choice. No one needs Canada to tell them that.
See what Lauren the teacher did differently from Sharon the teacher? She did NOT quit her teaching job prior to coming on the show. She also wore a leopard print dress that is not exactly cut high. Ya know!? Jerry!!!??!?!?!
"We got a box. It's a box, we got a box." How much would I have lost it if someone quoted Brad Pitt in Se7en when they presented the box? "What's in the f'ing box!?"
I'll say it. I like nervous girl from Dallas.
I'm pretty sure Natalie just asked if Melissa is ready to be a "mendor" to a child. When it comes to mendoring, I have to say I too am unsure if Melissa is qualified.
"I mean he's 14 months so he's still learning," says Megan the mom. Uh, when exactly do you expect your child to stop learning?
First impression rose? More like first im-breast-ion rose! Heyo!!!
Let's give it up for Megan being the first person ever to say "you a-holes" while walking to receive a rose. I really hope this becomes a trend. You must utter a blanket insult to all the other ladies after Jason calls your name at the ceremony. "Erica." "Take that, you hookers!" "Will you accept this rose?" "Of course I will, Jason. Thank you."
At least one more week of the Tooth Nazi. Get your cringes ready.
Unemployed lands a rose? Chick is weird beard.
Drunky who gets engaged and married and divorced on a whim, Dominique (booyah!), Vision Board, 24-year old mother of 2 from Utah and others get the boot.
Whoever keeps saying "whore" but turning it into a 2-syllable word is my favorite. She's my favorite.
Oh, Newnan. I look forward to building on our history of hate with your reprisal this season.
Also, is Jason trying out for a soap opera with his crying on the balcony routine?
Spoiler alert! The winner has a French manicure!

Pretty good times, y'all. I could have handled a girl pulling her version of the "coyotes" routine from last year, but at least we're rid of Newnan. Oh wait.

Biggest Movie Plot Holes, Volume 1

2008-12-20T16:48:00.005-07:00

Okay so I like movies as much as the proverbial next guy. In fact, unless I'm next to my roommate Dave or Harry Knowles and his crazy neck beard, it's likely that I like movies MORE than the next guy. And because of that, I understand that they are movies. They are fictional stories and the whole reason they're entertaining is BECAUSE they came from the imagination of some author or screen writer*. If they were real, then they wouldn't be movies. They would be our boring lives where we get up, eat, work, watch TV and sleep. (Okay, so maybe that's MY boring life ... but anyway ...) I get it. It's not real.

With that said, I can't help but take issue with certain plot holes in movies. Here's a couple.

The rules of Gremlins

In case you were born in the last 3 days, Gremlins is about an over zealous present-seeking father that goes into a shady-looking shop in "China Town" and pretty much steals a tiny creature from an old dude with a sweet beard.

Pops' loot from his theft is a creature (species: mogwai) that is eventually named "Gizmo" and he's the cutest thing alive. But (shocker) we learn that it's not all fun and games with Gizmo. Turns out you have to do more than walk Gizmo and let him out to pee before bed. Here are the rules of owning a mogwai:

Avoid exposure to direct sun light. Descendant of vampires maybe?
Don't get him wet. Interesting. Sounds like this will be a little tricky. Is he allowed to at least drink water? What happens if some Jell-O accidentally drops on him? Does that count as wet?
Don't feed him after midnight. Here's where I take issue.

As I already mentioned, I understand that I'm objecting to a single innocent (and plot-driving) piece of admnistrivia within a movie about a previously undiscovered species that is a fluffy biped male (I think?) living teddy bear that was shop-lifted out of China Town ...

But still ... don't feed him after midnight? Are we talking Eastern time? Greenwich mean time? What happens on daylight savings day? We're supposed to understand that mogwais have some sort of complex internal biological clock that actually keeps track of time by the hour? Let's say Gizmo scores some frequent flyer miles and you take a flight from NY to AZ and you land in Phoenix 1AM AZ-time. Can I feed the guy (girl?) or no?

And moreover, it's ALWAYS after midnight if you think about it. It's 7:38pm right now ... which is ... after midnight from last night. When does the clock reset? 6AM? 8AM? Maybe mogwais like to sleep in and breakfast isn't usually until after noon.

All I'm saying is I like rules and try to follow them. You give me a mogwai as a gift ... and this kid is going to starve to death.

In the end, none of this matters because (spoiler alert) wouldn't you know it, all of the rules end up getting broken in the movie and dang if what follows isn't exciting. But still ... no food after midnight? Impossible rule to follow, I say.

Doctor Octopus' demonstration in Spider-Man 2

The super villain is Spider-Man 2 is a nuclear physicist who eventually goes bonkers and tries to kill Spiderman (er, uh, spoiler alert - sorry, forgot). But before losing it, the movie reveals that "Doc Ock" is actually trying to use his knowledge for good. He's trying to use nuclear fusion to come up with un-ending energy. The key word there is nuclear. He's trying to learn how to control nuclear-level reactions.

And how do you prove your worth to Os-Corp (the company that's funding your research)? Well you put on a demonstration of course and invite all your colleagues and a bunch of media members. So he puts on this demonstration where he reveals the following:

He's developed 4 mechanical arms that are necessary to attain the nuclear reaction he's hoping to achieve.
These arms are "impervious to heat and magnetism." Uh, wow, that sounds pretty impressive and useful. I chuck these things into the sun and ... it's all good? Dang. Wait, what? There's more?
The "smart arms" are attached to his body by something that appears to attach itself to each vertebrae in his spine. You sure you're not a bio-chemist too, Doc? Cuz that kind of interface doesn't sound easy to pull off. Huh? Still more?
The arms are controlled by his brain through a "neural link". "Nano wires" feed directly into his cerebellum. And THIS still isn't what you want to demonstrate today? You think maybe you could pass those plans to me then? Cuz I pass right by the patent office on my way home. Oh, still more to show off? Sorry for interrupting.
These arms will help him control a nuclear reaction inside an environment no human hand could survive in.

Without taking a breath, Doc Ock just revealed arguably 4 scientific break throughs that would change the world as we know it. Finally, one of the people observing this demo pipes up. And what does this chick ask the doctor? Well, let's list out all the questions she doesn't ask:

With this amount of ridiculous mind-blowing technology, what the crap do you need funding from Os-Corp for?
Seriously, you didn't even mention all the pins that stuck in your vertebrae. What the hell, dude?
It's IMPERVIOUS to heat? You sure you know what that word means?
So walk me through this. You have the skill to create both a neural link and a material that's impervious to heat, but the only way you've figured out how to control a friggin' nuclear reaction is basically by MANUALLY taking control of 4 smart arms? You have to drive this thing?
Oh, and here's a related question. How long did it take you to learn how to control 4 extra appendages? Is there some sort of course at the annex that teaches you how to triple the amount of arms your brain can control? And we're not talking about using them to make a sandwich or even build a car. We're talking about controlling fusion!
And finally, speaking of nuclear reactions, in the name of heat-impervious smart arms, why the hell are we about to try to set off a nuclear reaction in a flipping4th floor loft apartment in Man-flipping-hattan, New York?! They didn't choose the location of Area 51 because of its natural beauty. They picked it because they needed a place to. Test. Nuclear. Reactions.

No no. None of those. What does she ask instead? Something to the effect of ... "If those smart arms are so intelligent, what is to keep them from taking control of YOU?" And THEN he points out the "inhibitor chip" that protects his "higher brain functions"! I mean, are screen writers taking crazy pills?! She asks about the one plot element that will eventually be the key to Doc Ock turning evil? It's the worst attempt at foreshadowing I've ever seen.

Again, I know it's fake. I know it's a movie about a guy that can stick to walls because he was bitten by a radioactive spider, but did they have to introduce the "inhibitor chip" via the most improbable question ever (given the circumstances) spoken by an extra that was probably off the set before lunch? Not to mention that the inhibitor chip reveals that he has learned how to separate "higher" brain functions from "lower" brain functions and then translate which functions are which to some kind of computer AI!? Was Ock going to skip over his 5th scientific revolution if she didn't ask?

What I'm trying to say here is ... know your audience, screen writers. The people that are coming to see Spider Man 2 are not expecting to see something that resembles a documentary. They're expecting to overpay for crappy popcorn and see some special effects. You don't need to ground every plot point in reality. And if you're going to try to do that, how about using some reality where all the demonstration observers freak out and run for their lives when they realize they're about to be blown to nuclear smithareens along with the rest of Manhattan?

P.S. My favorite sci-fi movie is The Matrix: a movie based on the idea that we're all living in a big shared dream while our combined body heat is farmed to keep a civilization of robots alive. Hypocrite? Looks that way.

*Unless of course the movie is "based on true events," but I already ranted about that here.

Hey, Chatty Cathy

2008-11-30T20:15:00.004-07:00

Hey, friend. That bench you're sitting on whilst having a fully involved cell phone conversation. Yeah, it's not actually a bench. It's a piece of exercise equipment. It's a piece of exercise equipment at a gym that is pretty fracking crowded and it's likely that I'm not the only other person that would like to use it at some point tonight. And moreover, it's not like there aren't multiple benches or even tables with chairs that aren't also pieces of exercise equipment scattered all over this place. And no, I'm not one of those annoying guys that will give you the stink-eye until you hurry up your work out and get off the machine. I'm reasonable. I'll go do another exercise and check back in 5. Oh, I forgot, you're totally thoughtless and you're still sitting on the crunch machine and talking on the flipping phone.

It's not the economy or America's place in foreign affairs that gets me worked up. It's this kind of stuff. To quote a Maitre D from a certain restaurant in Chicago ... "I weep for the future."

Is anybody listening to me?

2008-10-17T12:36:00.005-07:00

You know who I'm a fan of? Clerks, attendants and the like who ask you questions and then immediately stop listening.

Here's a conversation I had at the Fry's pharmacy recently:

Clerk: "How may I help you?"
Me: "Hi. I'm here to pick up a prescription for Johnson. It's a canine prescription."
(She moves towards the shelves with all the prescriptions and starts to look around.)
Clerk: "What was the name?"
(Beat.)
Me: "Johnson."
(She rummages through the prescriptions. Eventually she grabs one and starts to look at it.)
Clerk: "Is it a canine prescription?"
(Double beat.)
Me: "Yyyyyep."

...

What do I do with that? She asked me 2 questions and 2 questions only. They weren't follow up questions or extra necessary filters to help her. She asked me for the only 2 pieces of information I had already supplied her! Johnson. Canine. Johnson? Canine? Johnson. Canine.

Maybe next time I should say "Hi. How bout you wander over to the prescriptions and guess randomly at my prescription. If you need clues, just ask and I'll answer."

Here's another example that happens probably 80% of the time I go to Chipotle.

Clerk: "What would you like?"
Me: "Chicken burrito with rice and black beans."
(She plops the tortilla in the little warmer do-hickey. Moments later she plops the tortilla back on the counter.)
Clerk: "Rice?"
Me: "Yes, please."
Clerk: "What kind of beans?"
Me: "Black, please."
Clerk: "What kind of meat?"
Me: "Chicken, please."

!!!

Once again. I've delivered the exact information the clerk clearly needs. I've been to Chipotle a couple times. I know what they're going to ask. It's not like I'm just firing off random burrito ingredients.

"Yeah, can I get medium salsa, black beans, guacamole, a burrito, cheese, a diet coke, chicken, rice, side order of chips and salsa ... oh and lettuce ... on the burrito that is."

I'm not a Navajo code talker here. I'm giving my order in the most logical way I know how. And still I'm forced to deliver all of it twice. I guess maybe I'm just asking for too much competence in the clerks of the world.

Wait. Let me rephrase.

Me: "Am I asking for too much here?"
Clerk: "You wanted too much?
(Beat.)
Me: "Yyyyyyep."

Kings of Leon at The Joint, Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas

2008-10-13T08:52:00.008-07:00

So I attended the Kings of Leon show at The Joint at the Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas this last weekend. Before I get to the show I'd like to say I'm proud of myself for powering through one of the most obnoxious concert going couples that I've ever been exposed to. Some highlights:

They had at least 10 rounds throughout the 3 sets of music that night. And no less than 3 drinks were immediately knocked onto the ground. Immediately. Not a drop imbibed. And one of the drinks spilled all over drunk mom's leather jacket.
Drunk mom put on and took off her awesome leather jacket at least three times.
I call her drunk mom because she mentioned that she was a 33 year old mom many times. One time, she slipped and said she was 35. And then collapsed into a pile of laughter on her companion, drunk dude.
Drunk dude managed to both slow dance and dance in a hip hop fashion to many KoL songs including Milk and Revelry.
Drunk dude recorded the first 30 odd seconds of most of the songs on his digital camera. Who the F re-watches 30 second clips of concerts? And that's not even considering how horrible the sound is on all videos recorded via digital camera.
I hijacked at least 5 of their arm-outstretched self photos. My smiling mug is all over their KoL pics. They noticed one of them and then drunk mom could not stop laughing about it for at least 2 songs.
I'm proud of my hijacking efforts, but I'll never out do the gentlemen in this photo. Flawless victory.
Drunk mom and drunk dude eventually decide they're best friends with the couple to their left. Why? Because one of them is from Rancho Cucamonga, CA. They even take a foursome pic to commemorate the evening. Scratch that, it was actually a fivesome pic ifinyaknowwhatimean! [cough]hijacked again![cough]

I mention all this as a means of pointing out how awesome the show was. I had a great time and of course have been rolling KoL uninterrupted since.

The first opener was The Stills. They played for 30 minutes. They should have played at least one song from their old albums instead of non stop new biz. I look forward to checking out their new album. And I like their guy on keys who wears a fedora or a bowler hat without fail.

I had no idea who the next opener was until they began playing. The bass line of Inaction kicked in and I rejoiced. We Are Scientists played a good set of old and new stuff. I think it's fair to say their older stuff is stronger. The Great Escape FTW! Also their drummer did anything but mail it in. Guy was killing it, especially during the first album songs.

Next up ... Nacho! Nacho chants filled The Joint during the set break.

Then Kings of Leon trotted out to their Gregorian chant intro music. I'm pretty sure their set list was comprised of all the songs below ... listed in descending order of awesomeness.

Sex on Fire - This song just does not quit and singing along was rampant on this one.
Manhattan - Caleb said they played this because they were mourning OU's loss to Texas that day. This was a big turning point for me on this tune. Song went from good to great for me.
Razz - I almost became the yessssss person on this song. I really never would have guessed Razz would make the set list.
Milk - Big crowd pleaser which I was happy to see. And this might be the #1 song for the Kings in terms of being very good on the album, but being completely epic in person.
My Party - It's tough to take your eyes off Caleb on this one. And the breakdown/come back still really get me.
Cold Desert - Goose bumps for me on this one. Caleb really kills the verses.
Four Kicks - Jared's opening bass line rules and I was dancing immediately.
Slow Night, So Long - Last song of the encore, still a great send off. Once again Jared rules this song.
Charmer - This song is a masterpiece if you ask me.
Revelry - You know the faint "woo hoo hooooo" that Caleb does at the end of the first verse? He pulled back at that point and the crowd was right there to fill in.
Use Somebody - The crowd sang the back up part on this song. Great times. And this was the final song of their encore. Don't forget my prediction about this tune.
McFearless - Surprisingly not a huge crowd pleaser, but one of my super favs.
Knocked Up - First song back from the encore. Lots of singing along.
Taper Jean Girl
On Call - Still a killer sing-along tune. And Caleb still motions "c'mon c'mon c'mon" with his hands during the break before the final chorus. Crowd responds as usual.
The Bucket
Closer
Black Thumbnail - singing along on the first verse of this song is really fun
Crawl - Show opener. Solid groove to this one.
Fans - The acoustic guitar makes it's only appearance!
Molly's Chambers - Still one of my least fav KoL tunes, but I ain't complaining.

Fantastic show for $35ish. I gotta get to seeing these guys more often than once a year.

Shout out to cousin Emily who took in all 3 bands for the first time. I'll be shipping her some CDs soon. And props for ordering a pitcher of margs and then letting me down pretty much the whole thing alone due to tequila that "tasted funny". And a shout out to the over-the-top Penn State fans that basically ate dinner with us at Pink Taco ... And then received the remainder of our pitcher when we jetted for the show.